Blog 64... Praying for Remission..Elf on the Shelf and The Tooth Fairy....

Another oncology appointment today....just had my  blood work done  and I met with the PA. Everything with my blood was excellent she said. My white cell count is normal. She ordered another cancer marker today, so hopefully Monday I will get the results back.  I anticipate a large drop in the number since we have gotten all the tumors that were left. I guess I can't expect them to be normal.... but with my disease and success nothing is impossible! I have learned to expect the unexpected. 

Things are good with me. I am up and out and about. I get a little tired and I can't do all the things that I use to do, but that isn't long term. I am healing and in healing you have to take things as they come. To be honest... I am just so glad that I can get up and be out doing most of the things I want to be doing. 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have spent the day thinking about how special this Thanksgiving really  is .. How 10 months ago I wasn't sure that I would make it to this point. How doctor after doctor told me I would be dead within 12 months. I think about the path that I have traveled through this disease:

Being told at the ER  I had Stage 4 liver cancer 2/6/2014...Worst day of my life! 

Meeting with the first oncologist that referred me to the hospital for a biopsy

Biopsy one and two being told they were  benign 

Getting the call back that I had cancer and it was bad

First Pet Scan stating I had cancer in my liver, bones, and lung

Going to Emory for a second opinion and being told to take chemo and expect 12 months

Going to Piedmont and being optimistic but not reassuring about my disease and being told not to do the Y90 that it is the last resort

Flying out to MD Anderson and bone scan confirmed I did not have bone cancer and said I could live a while with chemo

Flying to AZ for a alternative medicine opinion on treatment 

Coming home to Atlanta and doing 6 weeks of alternative medicine 

Follow up with Oncologist (at the time) ordered CT Scan 

Oncologist reviewing scan and telling me I am now much more progressed in the disease and telling me I was in denial of the disease.

Taking the scan to Dr. Chamsuddin to review and discuss Y90 option once again 

First testing to see if I was a candidate for the Y90... I was and only on the right side.

One Y90 treatment 

Second Y90 Treatment 

One, two, three, four procedures to burn the tumors on the right side 

Pet scan shows 98% of the cancer in my liver is gone

Chemoemoblization of the tumor near my heart on my liver

Procedure to burn the tumor on my lung 

CT Scans, sonograms, and X-rays in between all of this to guide the success of my recovery 

This all has been in 10 months. 10 months that have been the longest 10 months of my life. But the most valuable 10 months I could have ever asked for....

I was so confused when I was trying to make the right decision. I had reservations doing the Y90 at the hospital... because they told me I didn't have cancer not just once but twice. I trusted Chamsuddin but I was not sure about the pathology department there and I felt that maybe that was not the place I was suppose to be. I ran from what I knew was my only hope and I felt that was justified. I kept calling Dr. Chamsuddin and following up with him about where I was on my path. He didn't always answer the phone when I called but he always called me back. He never pushed me into making the decision to do the Y90, I don't know why he didn't tell me what an idiot I was.... but he let me come back to him and he allowed me to make the decision to save my life, and I am so glad I did. 

We sometimes have to see things for ourselves. We have to go and search for what we hope is a better alternative and then when we are ready to make the decision to do what we should have done long before ....then you realize how foolish you've been. 


I was telling my brother today, I pray to God it's all gone and there is nothing left for us to treat now. I have my Pet Scan set for 12.11.2014 at Emory. I will be taking the disc to Newton Hospital and hoping that Dr. Chamsuddin will read it again while he is off and we can celebrate a remission. That is all I want for Christmas, but if we aren't finished with this round....  I am ready to start kicking ass again.

I'm excited tonight our elf of the shelf "Elfie" comes back and also may daughter has lost her second tooth, so I anticipate a visit from the tooth fairy. It's going to be a very exciting Thanksgiving morning to wake up to at my house.  Elfie left her this letter....



I hope each and every one of you has an amazing Thanksgiving. 

Blog #63 ... Thanksgiving Blessings....

I had what I hope is my last procedure on 11/24/2014!  I'm scheduled to  have another  Pet Scan the second week of December and we will have some answers to the one question we all have... Did we get it all?

 God I pray we got it all. I pray that the cancer is in remission and that I can continue to heal through all of these surgeries and get back to feeling good again. It's been a long time since I have felt good, I know it was long before I found out that I was sick ...that I ignored all the warning signs. I blew off the fact that I didn't feel good to old age. I could not have been more wrong. I share my story with every single person that I meet about my disease and how early detection is a lot better than having to go through what I have been through.  Cancer is a sneaky and terrifying monster that only shows it's face when sometimes it's just too late to do anything about it.  

I was very progressed in my disease (75-80% covered in tumors)but I found a doctor that was willing to take the chance with me and to do what he could to save my life... I am one of the lucky ones in this disease. One of his staff members  told me last week... I was his "pride and joy" That made me feel so good too. I just know that he has spent a lot of time outside of doing the procedures mapping out a plan of attack and revising it as we have gone along. 

I know this past 5 months has been as tough on him and it has been on me. We are a team. He told me with all the love and support I've had that it truly has helped me so much to get to this point.  My will to live has never faltered or let me down. I have so much life left to live and for the chance to make that happen is incredible. I think about all the doctors that told me I would be dead within 12 months. Those words hurt so bad. I remember laying alone in my bed and crying my eyes out into my pillow. The fear of dying scared me to death.  My brother scrambled to find a way to save my life. He is the true force behind me getting well, I remember having the doctor talk to him in the ER that morning and tell him that I have liver cancer and it was bad, I got back on the phone and he said "You are my best friend in the world I can not lose you" He was determined to save my life and spent hours upon hours researching a way to save me. That is a hard burden to carry. When it came time for me to make my decisions of treatments he left that up to me to make, as he should have. That burden would have been way too much for him to carry and I totally understood that. When the alternative medicine wasn't helping I decided to go with Dr. Chamsuddin and the Y-90 treatments we knew at that point that was truly my only hope at life. I am so glad we did. I am grateful for the journey and every step it has taken to get to this point. I knew that no matter what may happen with the Y-90 that we had given this disease our best shot and that we left no stone unturned. 

 My brother and I were talking the other day on the way home  from the hospital and he told me about sending my records and stuff to a hospital in Florida for them to see if there is anything they suggested to do when I was first diagnosed .. The only suggestion they gave that day was ... "To make me comfortable as he could  until I passed away".  Try that on for size.. It hurt to even hear those words. I have to say that I told myself a million times that I am not going to die. I have had to keep reminding myself of that after every procedure and every chemo treatment that has brought me down and put me flat on my back in bed. All the anesthesia and pain pills have made me grouchy but I am working on getting through that too. It's tough. I am tired a lot and when I need to rest... I rest and when I don't then I can be out doing other things that I want to be doing. 

How amazing is it that I have been given this second chance at life? I can't find the words to say how grateful it makes me feel. I just know that I have been through so much and I could not have made it through a day without all of you that love and support me! I want to do something... amazing  with my life. I want to make sure that every person that has faced or is facing this disease has a way to find the strength to make it through it  and to believe when you are told there is no hope. Not to be afraid to go for killing the cancer no matter how tough the circumstances of doing so may be. 

 I have a lot of people that tell me "I could have never done what you have done?" It's amazing the things you will do to have a second chance at life. You never know what you would do until you are forced to do what has to be done. I have a little daughter and grandson that need me. That love me and when I would get discouraged and uncertain of what the future held for me ... I would think of those two precious kids and I would pick myself up and keep  on moving forward. I would do these procedures but I would cry before every single one of them. I feared the unknown. I didn't want my life to end and every time I was put to sleep I would wake up and be so grateful that I survived. I don't know what my brother and sister would have done if I had not made it through all of this. I think of them so often and for all the time they have both given to me in this hardest time of my life. My pain has been their pain. I could look at my brothers face many times through this journey and see the fear in his eyes. He tried to be so strong for me and yet he couldn't hide his feelings it was written all over his face. 

The first day I found out I was sick my whole family came to the office to be with me and for us to plan an attack against this monster. None of us had any  idea what to do or even what  to expect. We just knew I had cancer really bad on my liver and we bonded and that really was all we could do. That day is a blur but I remember when my sister got to the office I saw her eyes and it looked as if she had been crying for weeks, she pretended to be okay and not to show any of that to me so that I would not be afraid. It didn't work. I was so afraid...more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life. February 6th will be a day in my life through the years that I will never forget. Even after coming so far, I reflect on what could have been and makes me more grateful for what is!  

These almost 10 months have been a long hard road.... I just hope the pet scan comes back and there is nothing left to touch up or do anything else with...But, if there is something left I have to keep going.  It will be disappointing if something still lights up but if anything it's small and tiny little details that I will have to brush up. I have conquered most of the monster and being told that we conquered it all will make me so happy! 

So...this Thanksgiving I am thankful for Dr. Chamsuddin. He's the best doctor, and I know I wouldn't be here without his expertise in saving my life.  I wish there was some way that I could repay him for all that he has done....Because he truly has gone above and beyond what is expected of a doctor to get this horrible disease gone from my body. 

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner with my family. With all the people in this world that mean the most to me. It has such a special meaning this year  and I want to plan something special for each of them. I was thinking that I could make a Thanksgiving jar and have every one write down on a piece of paper what they are most grateful for this year and put it in the jar and continue the tradition year after year.  We will each read what we wrote on the piece of paper! My sister's in laws sent me a card for Thanksgiving, I found this morning in the mail pile and on this inside it said they know how special this Thanksgiving is going to be for me and the tears fell out of my eyes like a faucet. I am grateful for the support I am shown every time I walk into my office and see the "WALL of HOPE" with all the cards and letters from friends it makes me feel so good.  Once I am in remission I am going to take them down and put them all in a special place for lifelong keepsake.

I hope each and every person that reads my blog has a very Happy and Joyful Thanksgiving. That you all  know how precious life is and can be! 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me! 

Blog # 62 Precious Moments

Opening my life and heart on this blog isn't always easy. I have had to share with all of you... some of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. The things  that I could not wrap my mind completely around in those moments, where it seriously has taken me months to understand the full effect of something that has happened. I am a tunnel vision person, I always have been and certainly always will be. I see the small picture. I see what is directly in front of me, and I don't question nor ponder the future, I take what is in this very moment and I deal with what is right in front of me. I have been criticized for that many times in my life. That I don't plan for a future that is suppose to turn out how I envision it in my mind to be honestly... none of our lives ever really turn out that way... in the whole scheme of things. Things always happen along our journey's to accomplish our goals and either side track us or completely change the direction in which I our lives were planned in our minds to go. 

My vision for my life has not turned out how I envisioned it to be. I never dreamed I would have two children as a single mother 18 years apart. I thought that I would raise Samantha and I would be this empty nester learning how to live alone (something I have never done).  That vision disappeared after 8 "not pregnant" pregnancy test, and the 1 that totally screamed "You are Pregnant" that day will forever hold a special place in my heart. As much as I wasn't ready for another child, she became what held my life together. A failing economy, a career that afforded me ( a non college educated single mom) a life of anything my heart desired. My income was replaced with an unconditional love from a child that I could never put into words how much I needed her in my life. I didn't embrace pregnancy very well, I was sick as a dog. I would lay in the bed for days, talking to this little person that was growing day by day inside of me. I know she didn't hear me, didn't understand, but we connected in a way that I needed to connect with my unborn child. She was my strength in those hard moments of a changing in my lifestyle. She was the one person that I felt so close to that wasn't even born into this world. There is no wonder why I love her so much now. The day she was born I was happy. I held this little baby, that looked at me, and knew that I was her protector, she knew I was her mama. I loved her so unconditional in those first and all the moments of her life. She is 6 now, and she is sassy, (like her mama) but she will only take her sassy attitude so far and she knows to come back and everything will be fine and comforting. I love being her mama.  This past 9 months has been tough tho. It's been a hard time for both of us.   Monday, she was out of school for Veteran's Day (weird Veteran's Day was Tuesday but oh well) I got up that morning and came to work. The longer I sat at my desk the more I was missing her. I have a hard time taking time off because I am having to be away from work so much with my surgeries and chemo. 

I got up, grabbed my purse and decided that she and I needed to go to hospital and see Dr. Chamsuddin to see when he was going to schedule my surgery. I wanted to take her there because... other than pictures he had never seen or met my precious little girl that him and I are fighting for my life so hard for. When I got home to get her, she was so happy. She instantly asked about going to the mall and making a build a bear... I told her I would think about it.  On the way to the hospital she took out two pieces of paper out of my notebook I use for work and she drew two different pictures for Dr. Chamsuddin. She wrote the top part herself and then asked me how to spell Dr. Chamsuddin's name... When I saw the picture it melted my heart. She is as grateful to Dr. Chamsuddin as I am . She needs her mama and she knows that he is taking the very best care of me that he possibly can for her. 

When we got to the hospital he was tied up. Evan didn't get to meet him but as I handed his assistant Cheryl the pictures to give to him... she was smiling. It doesn't matter that Evan didn't get the chance to meet him that day, it's that he knows by those 2 pictures that she loves her mama and she is grateful to him too. When we left the hospital I told her we might just go to Build a Bear some other time. She with her sassy self said " Well, I know that I do a lot for you, I get you drinks and I come check on you and if you don't think that I should get one today, that is fine. I take care of you and not get anything really isn't right for me mama" I was was completely in her spell of guilt in that moment and we were going..... 

We ended up at build a bear, she picked out the most inexpensive bunny, and by the time we got the pj's and a robe for "Snowflake" it was $45.00 later. Dang a $16 rabbit cost a mere fortune. But, the value of making my little girl smile and to see her sleep with that bunny (at least for now) every night makes me happy too.  

Yesterday, she came home and handed me a little note... The note said "You are cordially invited to Jag of the Month ceremony on November 20th" I knew in that moment what that meant, she was Jag of the Month for her class. This is the second time she is Jag of the Month (I have to be honest, I would have never gotten Jag of the Month.. I wasn't one of those exceptional stand out children.. I was unfortunately less than average when I was small. Mainly because I held "No" confidence in myself.) Evan's first time getting Jag of the moment was 2/6/2014.... the very day I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember my brother took me to his doctors office to get a second opinion, we knew the truth but he wanted someone he knew to hear what was happening and to give us hope that we weren't sure in our minds there was any. I remember sitting waiting in the waiting room and got the call from Evan, as I answered her sweet little voice so excitedly saying "Mama, guess what ... Guess what Mama?I got Jag of the month". The tears fell from my eyes I was in that moment happier than I could have ever asked God himself for that moment of happiness. I needed to feel joy that day because it was so hard to wrap my mind around.... being told I have liver cancer 6 hours before that and being told it was bad, really bad. I cherished that moment on the phone with my daughter, the joy in her voice I knew was one of many great accomplishments in her life. It hurt so bad for  that same reason too. I wondered if I would be here to share in her future accomplishments. It was a bitter sweet moment ... Last night I made some video's asking her about being Jag of the Month and trying to show my happiness, she was determined not to let me talk or be part of those video's. When I posted them to our You Tube channel I created a few years ago, she was upset, that child threw a complete temper tantrum melt down drive mama crazy ... I didn't care. I want those video's there. I wish I had over the years made more video's for her. Now, I can just do what I can do. I was explaining to her that I wish my own mother would have made me video's now that she isn't here anymore, and how special one day those video's are going to be to her. 

Over the last several months I have taken a few moments when I've had time to write her notes. A little letter  for each of her birthday's just in case I am not here to share her birthday with her. I may live 40 years or I could die in a crash tomorrow. I brought this little girl into the world and I want her to know always without a shadow of a doubt... how much I love her and how much she meant to me every single day of her life. We never take the time to do the things we intend to do, things like video's and letter are hard to do and easier to put off until tomorrow ... But, when it's to late it's too late and I don't want to miss my opportunities I have living every day to do the things that I know will mean so much to her one day if I am not here with her.  

A 6 year old child understands things in what is a 6 year old child's mind. She doesn't understand what cancer, chemo, surgery, and me being really sick means in the big picture of things and if I can keep her thinking in the small picture of it all then I have accomplished a huge goal with her. 

When I go back and read what I have written it hurts me, but it's the truth, it's life unfortunately life isn't fair! I learned that 17 years ago when my own mother died. The one person that I could count on, I could count on to be beside me yelling and screaming for whatever I had done wrong in that moment of my life, but for me she was my mama and she was the one person that I could accept anything from because I loved her. There is no one like your mama. No one can replace your mama.  

It's funny my family and closest friends do not read my blogs. They would all prefer me not to write them. At first I thought it was because they were afraid writing them would hurt me to bad, but honestly it hurts them to bad for me to put it all in writing. It's more real when it's written. 

I have found a lot of comfort in sharing my story. I find a peace about the words I write and the deep thoughts that I can create on paper that can hopefully mean something to someone that is needing to hear whatever it is I am writing about on each individual day. 

I have lived a good life ... I have loved and I have been loved. I have had 2 children that mean the world to me. I have been happy and I've been sad. I have been at the top life and been to the bottom. I have lived to be who I am and never to pretend to be someone else. I have had some amazing friends, and some people that have hurt me beyond understanding. I have given compassion and I have received compassion. I have had the best and worst of days and been grateful for them both. 

I don't know how long I will live. You don't know how long you will live. It's about living today, appreciating what you have, recognizing what you want and going for it...day by day. 

I have another surgery planned for Monday. I am hoping that Dr. Chamsuddin is going to do the chemo on the one last fraction of a tumor left on my liver and burn the one of my lung at the same time. I didn't get to see him to ask about that. But, I am praying that this is my last procedure and that the next time we have anything to face it's a clear Pet Scan with the words coming from his mouth that I am in remission. Boy, that day will be at the top of the best days of my life... Nothing greater than the days I gave birth to my children but Remission sure comes close. 

Thank you for reading and sharing my story.  Knowing that I have so much love and support behind me makes this all possible.  I have had a couple of people reach out to me this week about their own health and I honestly can not say enough that a second opinion at Newton Medical Center with Dr. Chamsuddin may just be one of the best things you ever did in your life too. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me! 

Blog #61... My heavy heart this week....

Yesterday, was 9 months into this battle. And boy isn't it amazing how far I have come? I am still here.. I am alive.. and I am winning a battle that no one thought I could be winning, not even myself at times. I am a miracle, I have been given this amazing second chance at making a better life for myself and others and I embrace it every single day as strongly and positively as I possibly can. 


I have had a very  heavy heart this week. It started with Brittany Maynard when she followed  through with her decision to take the pills to end her own life, on her own terms. I understand it but as a cancer patient it hurts my heart.  

I went ahead and did chemo this week. I  decided not to wait until after my next procedure as my oncologist said that I could. I have just come so far and to take any chances at this point wouldn't be worth it to me. We sometimes have to do the things we don't want to do for the betterment of ourselves and that extends much farther than just taking chemo. 

This week I sat across from a woman that I knew was also facing liver cancer. I didn't know her whole story until this week. She had breast cancer 10 years ago and has been cancer free since then, that is until recently . She has been  checked every year and the cancer marker indicated that the cancer was back and it has appeared in her liver now, which is weird but it is still considered breast cancer in her liver. Us non-medical individuals  can only go with what we are told. 

Seems odd but the primary source is always the primary cancer, I suppose in some ways that makes sense. Anyways, she was referred to another hospital (other than the one I go to) they were going to go in and burn the tumors that are on her liver and when they got in there they found a lot more spots and stopped the procedure and told her that they could not do the procedure because of the amount of other spots on her liver . I asked her if they had mentioned to her about the Y-90 and she said no, she didn't ask me any questions it almost made me feel she was content with just doing the chemo (which isn't going to kill those tumors)! I wanted to scream out to her that she should get a second opinion. I don't want to spread false hope... so I didn't extend my suggestions out any further, at least... until I see and ask Dr. Chamsuddin what his thoughts are. I have suggested to several people to go to Dr. Chamsuddin to get a second opinion, and they don't show up, they see how successful things are going for me and yet they chose not to see what else is out there for them. It drives me insane. It makes me mad. I just know that I am in the best hands I could have ever found and I want to share the magic with others and it's either they are to scared to get the second opinion or they are just to lazy... Whatever the reason is... it completely baffles me. I just want to help save the world. I want to share what I have been given and give it back to someone else. The bad thing about that is a lot of people wont take it. I don't know how I can help others when those other people are not willing to help themselves. That is the frustrating part about this situation I am in. I will just keep on trying and sharing and hopefully I can get through to someone and I can make a difference in their lives. 

I know that I didn't listen to Dr. Chamsuddin at first. I was afraid, I was open to what he had to say I just had to spread my wings and see what else I could find to help me... That was nothing. I could have already been done with this mess by now if I would have been more open at the beginning. I was afraid of dying and I was scrabbling to save my life in every way that I could and I had the answer right in front of me all along. I want to kick my own butt sometimes but I think we have to be open and explore every opportunity. I was not a doctor person before all of this. I wasn't sure what to expect most doctors treat you for whatever it is you are facing in the moment and have no clue who you are the next time you show back up with some other problem. I am not that person with my doctor I am this person that he takes great concern and care for as a doctor wanting to save his patient. I give that to the people I refer him to beside the fact that he is an excellent doctor and it baffles me that they would not want the same compassion and care as I have been given. 

I know I am not free of this disease and I should be focused on myself, and not worried about other people, it's just who I am ... I want to show the world that liver cancer isn't just a death sentence it's a battle that can be won, that can be overcome, that can be something that you can live through for many years to come. I just want to scream it out at the top of my lungs until it hits home with someone willing to step further outside of the box than they ever thought they could and do something to save their lives. 

A good friend of mine's dad is on his last days as they have now called hospice in! The family is very private about his cancer and therefore I just ask for thoughts and prayers for a loving family that will soon lose the husband/father/grandfather/ and friend they all love and adore. It's so hard to hear about people I know loosing their battle to cancer.  And then I have another amazing friend with a inoperable brain tumor that went for her follow up scan yesterday and the tumor is completely gone, the joy and happiness of that news is amazing I have been touched in ways that I never knew I could feel with not only being diagnosed with cancer but meeting others along this journey as they are facing their own battles. It's something I can't begin to express in the ways that I feel connected to others facing cancer.  Sharing our battles daily in ways that others truly can not understand. 

I am no expert at any of this stuff. I have pretty much gone blindly and trustingly into this with a doctor that would do what he could to save my life. I could have never asked for any more than that. I am a miracle I know that. Makes me more determined to spread my story. There is not a person that I meet any where that isn't going to know that I am fighting and winning my battle with this cancer. It's not the attention I need, it's the attention that liver cancer needs to help save others lives if they know there is something more out there than just the medical books of chemo and no remission for a disease that won't just go away without stepping outside of the medical books of no hope.  I am fighting against the wind sometimes... but I look back at my life and think "It's what I have always done my whole life, I can't expect it to be any different now" So ... I will be spreading my story I will be sharing hope and information as long as I am still breathing on this earth! 

Next week... I am having what I hope will be a combined procedure for the spot on my lung and the chemo in the last of the tumor left on my liver. I am not sure if he is planning on one procedure or two but I am crossing my fingers it's one. I am ready to be done I am ready to have a clear pet scan and finish up with the chemo and just get back to feeling good again, I deserve it. I really truly do! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Things are looking so good for me. And I know all of your love, concern, prayers, and thoughts for me have been what as worked in making this recovery possible. I appreciate you all and know that through my story there is hope in all of our lives in one way or another. See the goodness in each day. Know that it's not easy to live life all the time. Take every challenge you face and see the good in what you have to do to make any situation better. 

Blog #60... What is right for you .. may not be right for anyone else.

I have learned a lot over these last 9 months. I have learned what is important and what truly isn't. I spent most of my life thinking one way.... to completely have my thoughts changed by a disease that could have taken my life. It's weird how something like cancer can make you see yourself and the world clearer than you probably ever would have. 

Today, I am thinking of Brittany Maynard. The controversy that is around her decision to chose to end her own life. I see so many negative comments. On one hand I  understand their feelings, as before getting sick... I would have felt the same way. I would have thought she was selfish and all those "What if's" because her life was not mine nor anyone else but her own choice to live or die the way she did....

You never know what it is like to be sick ...until you are sick! You can never know how it feels to be told that you have cancer and that it will take your life in a horrible way. There are no words that I... nor anyone else can say that can express how that feels. You can pretend someone says it to you ...but it's so different when it's a reality. I can not even begin to understand the fear and peace in those final moments she had in her life. To go with the grace and dignity that she so wanted is something amazing to me. With me having cancer my biggest fear and pain I feel is that my family would have to watch me suffer through the end of this disease. It's the most heartbreaking thing I think that could have ever happened in my life. It's not so much about me suffering it's the people that love and surround me that I would not want them to watch me in those final days that my life is just taken away from me little by little.

 I chose to fight for my life. I never allowed myself to believe that I would die. I couldn't because I have so much to live for, yet none of us are promised tomorrow, not now and not ever. As much as we all wish there was a way to have cured Brittany, there was no way, she was told that she had 6 months to live. To be told you are dying  is the worst feeling in the world ...until you are living in those moments of death. I don't know that I would have the strength that Brittany had, because I am a believer, I am one of those people that believe in miracles, they happen every day, look at me I am one of those miracles. I've cried for Brittany. A woman that I have never and never will meet, she gave me a lot of things to think about as she has done for so many. She chose the route that she wanted to take. She fought for what she believed in  and I can only imagine the horrible things that people have said to her, but at the end of what she felt was her life she made her choice, I personally admire and respect her decision. I wish she would not have had to make it, that she never had to take that medicine that took the last part of her life here on earth away from her, but her wish came true and that is what matters most ... Brittany died for her belief's, her purpose, her desire to die with dignity and grace. God Bless Brittany... You are a stranger to me but we had a common disease that bonded me to you..... 

We are all given the chance to make our own decisions in life and believe me your views and values change when you are facing a life threatening disease! Cancer is horrible, cancer isn't a disease that is an easy fix it's mentally as difficult as it is physically

I am still off the chemo and my appetite is better than it's been in months and months. I feel good a feeling that I have been longing to feel again for so long. I see that light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to having another procedure next week. I am ready for Dr. Chamsuddin to finish what he has started, so that I can go on with my life. I can live the life I been giving a second chance at living. How many people are truly given a second chance at life? How many take that opportunity to do something that could help others? I don't think I will ever know the answer to that question but what I do know is... I think about all the things I am going to do when I hear those words that my pet scan is clear! I have some influence to make in some certain doctor's views. I want them to know that if I can survive they have a greater chance at helping their other patients survive as well.  I am living proof that  these treatments work. 

I've connected with some amazing people through fighting for my life. I have met people with cancer that I sit next to every Wednesday and we share our stories while we are there to get our chemo, the poison that is going into our bodies as we try and save our lives. We share something that I can not share with most people I know. We encourage one another, we asked questions, and we cheer one another on in our victories no matter how big or small they may be. My friend I usually sit next to is older than me, she is the sweetest person. She is there every other Wednesday from 8-4 getting chemo and sitting right there beside her is her husband, waiting to do whatever it is she might be needing. The other day I asked her "Do you rent him out?" She laughed, actually the whole room laughed. It's so  sweet to see them together so in love and happy... in what is probably the scariest time of their lives. Makes me jealous. You can not pretend to love someone, it's there and shining bright as a full moonlit night or it's not there at all. I love to see people so in love, these days it's rare, I must admit! 

Today, I see my oncologist again as a follow up. I have decided to go ahead and get chemo this week. I want this monster gone and I think the break I have had over the past several weeks has been good for me, it's built me back up and I am now ready to continue this journey and see it to the end of the CANCER FREE zone. I have come so far. I have given up my life over the last 9 months to get myself well and what's a few more months in the journey to be in remission of a disease that takes most people's lives?

I hope you are all having a great week and are finding ways to make yourself happier today then you were on yesterday! Happiness isn't something you go searching for.. Happiness come from within. Be happy in all that you do. Because it's one of the most important parts of life that most people seem never to find. I have another friend that has cancer, I spoke with his brother several times and he said "We are all at peace with this disease" That is a great way to be, I am not quite there yet, peace and cancer for me just can't be combined. Life is short so find the happiness in any thing and every single thing around you. I do my best to do that myself. 

Don't Cry For Me.... Pray For Me!