Alternative Medicine Blog #9

I went to Emory yesterday, and as optimistic and hopeful as I was, the answers were  not what we wanted to hear.  His recommendation was chemo, and with chemo once a week, my life expectancy would be one year with treatment. One year. 

The pain of hearing a doctor say, "You have one year to live" the words have echoed in my mind a thousand times, since that moment. I wanted to run out of that room. I wanted to call him a liar, I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare. I look at my life and I have always tried my best to do the right thing. I have always taken full responsibility for every decision I have made. I have raised both of my girls not only emotionally, physically, and financially without a dime from either of their father, not one cent.  


I could sit here and dwell on all that I will miss,  and all the things that  will continue to go on without me and be sad,because I am sad. But, I can not allow this disease to take my pride and dignity. My hope is still there, but I know for a fact with chemo, I would only have one year to live. And while taking a poison into my body and making myself sick, I will not do it. I can not imagine  leaving this earth with no hair and feeling so horribly sick day in and day out for all the days that I have left to live. I have seen it with several people I love, I have seen them suffer, and I will not allow this for myself nor for my family, that I love so much.

 I am choosing alternative treatment, I know for a fact with traditional medicine there is no healing me, there is no survival and there is no more than 12 months. Alternative medicine is my only "HOPE" I pray that it works, I pray that these doctors I will be seeing can get rid of this disease in my body, I don't know for sure. But what I do know is without these treatment they can give me, I have no other hope for survival beyond 12 months . I will go to Arizona and stay there for 6 weeks, treatment will be 2-3 hours every day, they treat me with everything natural to clean my blood and rejuvenate my immune system to fight off the disease. This way I can still work full time, and not miss a beat on taking care of my family. My career means the world to me and I am going to work every day as I get better and heal from this.  I know in my heart I am making the right decision. I know that I have no other choices in prolonging my life and I am ready to make this happen and get on the road to getting rid of what the doctors are telling me is terminal. I want to live. I don't want to die. I have to have hope and inspiration that I can get through all of this and come out the other side of this disease a better person, sister, friend, and mother. 

I don't know all there is to know about cancer, I don't want to know, What I do want to know is how to cure it. As I always say Don't cry for me Pray for me!

 This is a very tough time for me and my family, we are all struggling really hard with the news and taking each day minute by minute to get through this nightmare and heartache we are all enduring. I can't put into word how much I love my family. My sister Lori, her husband Ben, their beautiful 3 children Jimbo, Georgia, and Ansleigh.  My Brother Greg and his brilliant daughter Devin.  My daughter Samantha my best friend in the world, the person that I have counted on my whole life, Evan my miracle of love and new beginnings at the age of 40, and Landon my little Grandma's boy. My family is as close as any family could ever be, and without their love and support I would never make it through a day of all this pain. They keep me inspired, encouraged, and loved every single day! 

My Life... Blog #8

When this whole "Cancer" thing came into my life. I wanted to hide from the world. I didn't want anyone to know that I had cancer. I wanted to just keep it close to home with me, my friends, and my family. Then as the word started spreading around, and people started posting things on my wall, which in turn made other people wonder what was going on with me, and it snowballed,. fast! As much as I wanted to just have those few days to myself to think about what this meant in my life, I was answering questions for people that were concerned for me. I felt so much comfort in the outreach I received from so many people. 

Then, I decided to bring my passion into the situation. I wanted to start a blog, a blog about the truth about myself , a place where people could come and read what is going on. I wanted to share my heart and soul, I wanted a place to be me and show my strength in hopes that I could help someone else.  And I have done all of this. It's not easy. It's not easy sharing news that hurts your heart so bad that you feel as if you can not breath but in the same sense after the shock of the news you want your positive attitude to be remembered for whom you are always. 

This is a tough time in my life. A time that I could just escape the world and run and hide. The news keeps getting worse for me, but because I feel so good, I look so good, and I want to be all good, I guess believing what I am being told is almost impossible to believe. I want to say I don't have cancer. I want to say I am cured as I once thought I was, but I can't. I have been diagnosed  with Stage 4 caner on my liver, a spot on my lung, and possibly in several of my bones. I want to say I am not terminal as I have been told that I am but I am. I may live 5 years I may live 1 year, but what I want you all to know is, I am fighting. I am believing that I am not sick, and we are approaching this all with the most positive and ambitious attitudes that my family and I can. We are not stupid. We are a family that wants to save the life of "ME" a person that does not want to die, that does not want to leave this earth with my two daughters and grandson to miss me and me never see my daughter's get married, or my little girl all through the years of her life. It breaks my heart but what I can not do is give into this disease. I am either going to live or I am going to die and either way I am going through this time happy and the best person I can be. I agree, most people would crumble in a time like this, and believe me I have my moments, but in those moments I have the most amazing people in my life to lift me up and to keep me going. I am strong but my strength is being inspired by so many of you that believe in me and my willingness to live and beat this. I am going to Emory today to meet with the Director Clinical Trails and Oncology and MD Anderson next week. I am hopeful. I am certain that if there is anyway to find a cure for this my brother will find a way to save me, he is trying his best! 

I have no idea what the future hold, today, I feel great, I am living my life as this disease doesn't exist in every second that I can find the strength to feel this way. Cancer SUCKS... I hate cancer, I never dreamed it would touch my life, as unexpectedly as it has. I am eating as clean and healthy as I possibly can. I am fighting and believing that I can maintain a life that I want for myself, my family, and my friends. 

A Big Day BLOG# 7

How do you put into words the unknown? How do you describe something that takes your breath away? How do you stay strong in your faith, when everything about you is questioning what is happening in your life? 

I know how you do this all, you pray, you believe, and you never lose hope that there is always a chance at anything we face. I have my moments of despair that I break down in tears, and once I have cried, I pick myself up and I find that extra push to keep going, to keep believing, and to know that I have no other choice in this life than to stay at my most positive and inner  determination to overcome all that I am facing. 

I had no idea the morning I went to the hospital that CANCER would be upon my life. I had no idea that my life would be forever changed. That the life that I once knew would require me to not only change so many directions my life but to find a inner peace that I can and will overcome this. 

I fear the unknown, but as long as I am breathing on this earth I will fight the battle as hard and as mighty as I can. I wish there was some magic pill I could take to make all of this go away, I even wish this were a nightmare and I woke up to the new person, I am today. However, there isn't so I have no choice but to fight and fight hard. 

I am scared to death, as anyone would be in my position. But I believe, I believe that I have so much more to do and share in this world and I BELIEVE that I can overcome this. 

As I go today for my pet scan which is the tell all of where all the cancer is in my body, I have been begging God, to make this an easy day for not only me but for my friends and my family. This is a tough time in all of our lives. The times of uncertainty but mainly of unionity!  I am loved. I know I am loved! This journey of cancer is unlike anything I have ever known before. It's melted my heart with love and compassion from so many, and it's ripped out my heart and soul to the core of who I am. I'm not the only person in the world that has faced this disease some have won and some have lost the battle and it's a battle that scares everyone you love and that loves you!

The answers for me are coming, I am getting the best advice and planning of this attack from the best hospital's and doctor's we can find. We are giving this disease the best run for it's money and I hope that I cross the finish line in victorious abundance. 

Thank you all for reading, for praying, and for thinking of me and my family. We are as close as any brothers and sisters could be. They are my rocks, my life, and my world, and without them, I would never be the person that I am today. 

DON'T CRY FOR ME..... PRAY FOR ME!!! 

Blog #6 "The Journey"

In my last blog, I had the best news anyone could have ever asked for, the tumor's were reviewed by the pathologist by microscope and determined to be BENIGN! That was a glorious day. That day I felt the world had  lifted off of my shoulders, I could breath the fresh air all around me and I was totally flying on cloud 9.... 

Unfortunately, that was short lived, I got the call on Monday to come to my doctor's office within the hour. I was at work, and being a single mom, it's a little tough to drop everything and just go in to see the doctor. Besides, I was fine and anything she had to say to me, I thought it would be okay talking about  over the phone with a consultation.  I called and spoke with the doctor, and all the fears of this horrid disease rush back into my life like a freight train. The news I didn't want to hear, the tumors are malignant.  I cried in disbelief, I wanted that miracle I thought I had received, I dreaded sharing the news with the people that love me and with all of you that have been praying for me. It hurt so bad. The fear and unknown are the hardest. 

Things have not progressed any where since the call on Monday, other than I did see another oncologist on yesterday, and he was amazed how healthy and great I look. He must have told me that 10 times, and it was the best news I had heard in days, I only can see myself through my eyes and when you are going through all of this you loose perception of how you really do look.  So, even though I got no answers for the cancer, I got reassurance for my self esteem and in moments that I have been facing, it makes me feel good. Something most people could not begin to understand but it's something that helped me and how I was feeling about myself.  

I am trying to get in with an Emory doctor, I am scheduled to see him on the 13th of March and I am working on getting in with him sooner, more like next week if at all possible.  I am scheduled to go out to Houston Texas, on March 4th for several days of evaluations. I want to know all of my options, I have been told there is a pill you can take that will stop the cancer from growing and spreading, but when you ask a local doctor here his response is "What pill?" I am not afraid of chemo but I have to be honest if there is a way around that and me searching for every single option there is out there to find it, that is what I want to do.I don't know where this journey will lead me, and I have no idea what the outcome will be, as no one in the world knows what tomorrow holds, I just know that I will do all that I can as a person to fix this and to make everything normal again in my life. 

 I am still working full time. I sometimes want to break down and cry because I have so many people calling, texting, and messaging me and I feel bad that I can not get back with everyone right away, I am just so busy at work, I am trying my best to keep my life as normal as I possibly can. My job means the world to me, besides it feeds me and my kids, I have to work, I have a lot of responsibility so if you are one of those people that I have not had time to return your call please know that I am so grateful and I will do my best to get back with you when I can. It's hard when I get home from work too, because I want to give my little daughter all my time when we are together. So, what I am saying please don't get upset with me, I have a lot going on and I promise I will update as much as a I can on my blog or return your call when I get a minute to myself. 


Cancer is that unknown thing that comes into your life, not only has it gotten into your body but it tries it's best to take hold of your heart and soul. I will not allow that to happen. A determined and happy attitude and being positive is all that I can allow myself to feel. Believe me there are times I get down and I am afraid, but I am a fighter, I have always been a fighter, and I always will be. I have so much to live for ... I am loved beyond all that love could ever be defined by, my brother and sister are my rocks, they have been with me every single step of this journey, never leaving me alone to face a moment of what this disease my do in my life. They are the greatest people in the world, I know my brother worries about me day and night and I pray that he finds a peace that is so important for all of us to make it through this journey and maintain a sense of sanity.  I put out there all the time how much my family means to me and I know that if I could  have hand picked my brother and sister I couldn't have ever picked anyone better than the two of them. 

I want this to be cured, but in the meantime I am fighting like hell!  

Once again I am going to say " Don't Cry  For Me, Pray For Me" 

I appreciate each and every one of you that have taken the  time to read my blog, pray for me and my family, and that have  connected  with me through this journey! 

God's Grace was upon me.....Blog #5

To be honest, I don't really know where to begin. This last week and two days has been nothing short of heartbreaking, wrapped all around a miracle. 

The diagnosis of liver cancer is never good. All  four doctors I had seen said "It's really bad" in my mind, I know what really bad meant, in my heart, I wanted to know that I could fight it. That I could do treatments that would save my life. I wanted it to be okay, I tried staying strong, and when someone I loved would call me and start crying on the phone, I had to go into Christy Hicks shut down, I had been told over and over again that my attitude would save my life, and therefore; I could not allow the fear to overrule my desire to live. So, I told all the people that cried not to cry, I was going to be fine. All the while inside I feared death. I feared leaving this earth and leaving my little daughter and grandson. I knew what it meant  "It's really bad" the masses were all over my liver, large masses, that I was never given the dimensions, and I never asked. I was afraid. I was to afraid to ask questions, because I was not sure that I really wanted the answers. I was being the strong person that I had been raised to be, while the inside of me, that no one saw was having the biggest pity party, with a huge smile on my face. 

When I went in to the hospital on Friday to do that test that would be the one treatment that could prolong my life, I got there, went back to registration, and the lady said "We don't have the order to do your procedure" I was furious because I had already been pushed back and hour the day before and I hate waiting. My patience was limited. So after registering she sent me back into the lobby until she could get my order and then I would be taken back. The longer I sat there the madder I was becoming. this test had been decided on Tuesday early afternoon, and now 3 days later, there was no order. My sister said she had the doctors card in her purse and thought that it had his cell phone number on it, it did. I called and he was furious, and told me to get the hospital staff on the phone. I don't know what was said but when the lady from registration handed me the phone back, she didn't have a smile on her face. 

It still seemed to take a while, so I wanted to go and see if I could find the doctor and talk to him, we were met by his nurse, and she stated he wasn't in yet, and had a busy day, and I told her, I didn't care, I wanted to talk to him as soon as possible, she said she would pass the message. 

It wasn't long after that I was taken back to the outpatient area that they prepared me for the procedure.  In no time the orderly came and got me and pushed me back to the OR.  My brother, sister, Chris, and I were all there. When I was pushed and left in the hallway, I saw the doctor, he smiled and I asked him "Where are my roses?" He laughed. It was an intense moment, I had no idea why I was left in the hallway in front of his office, I had no idea what the procedure would entail, and I had no idea what it was keeping me together, or than my faith.  

He walked up to my bedside, with a real confused look on his face, he said "I have good news and I have bad news. What do you want first?" I didn't know. I just thought he was going to say he could not do the surgery, when he said "I am going to give you the good news first. I biopsied all three of the largest masses on your liver, and they all came back benign.  I could see the reaction on my brother and sisters face, the look of relief on my brothers face, as my sister hit his arm with a smile on her face. A moment that will forever be engraved in my mind. I can tell you what my reaction was, I looked at Chris and he had tears in his eyes. These were words that none of us had expected. Especially the doctor. He had without my knowledge told my brother and sister 3 days before that I was in Stage 4 and that I would not make it 6 weeks, Neither of them told me that, they carried that  burden for 3 days on their own, the heartache they must have felt I will never know. Before pushing me in for the procedure, I told the doctor I had something for him, I handed him my single mom book I published... I had written him a message inside and this is what it said :

I want you to have this book in hopes that you will read this and truly get to know the person I am. The strength I have to survive so many things in my life. I want to live, yet I don't know at this moment how we together are going to make that happen. I want to live. I want to see my little daughter and grandson grow up. I wanted you to know how much I am loved and needed in this world. Thank you for all you will do in making this happen. 
Christy Hicks 

The bad news was he was putting off the test he was planning to do on Friday, and he said "Most doctors would say it's not cancer, go home." He said "I  can't do that, I would love to say this is a miracle and if I go in like I am about to do and biopsy all of these and they come back benign, then I suppose I have to believe it. If they come back cancer then we are going straight down the hall to do the next test. We all agreed. My brother left, he didn't listen to much after the benign statement and testing them again. He said he just went outside and sat by himself. That he was just in shock. It was as shocking to hear the word benign as it was to hear the word cancer. 

The procedure was painful, more painful than the few days before. I think that there were some upset people working in that hospital that thought that he didn't need to redo a biopsy.  There were some attitudes floating around and the OR was really intense where it was happier before. I just laid there with a million things running through my mind, I didn't need the singing, or the happy nurses, what I needed was the rest of these tumor to be benign I wanted a miracle. I needed a miracle. 

Not long after the doctor was finished my sister and my friend Tammy came back into the room, Tammy had gone and bought me some cupcakes and chocolate covered strawberries. Chris brought me some beautiful roses and the sweetest Valentines card.  Not long after they were in the room, the doctor came back in, and he said "I'm sending you home. The pathologist says they are benign. I am sending them for a second opinion, I will have them cultured, and I want you back in ten days for an MRI. He was dumbfounded, I am not even sure he knew what to do or say. He said "I've dealt with cancer for 30 years and I have never seen anything like this before" According to what my brother tells me the doctor had  said. When I went to stay in recovery the nurse could not believe the news. She said "it so rarely happens" I am sure she didn't even know what to say, every time she would walk into check on me I would say "I can't believe the miracle I received" she would smile. She left for the day and I had a new nurse came in, she shared a story of her sister and how she had been bleeding for weeks, went to one hospital and they sent her home and said nothing was wrong, a few days later my nurse, her sister, made her go to another hospital, and they did an emergency hysterectomy and save her life.  Miracles happen all the time. Sometimes people are not willing to believe in miracles because they can not explain it, and to be honest why would the grace of God and a miracle need any explanation at all, It's all defining in itself. I want my testimony to bring each and every one of you closer to God and this has brought me and my family. I can not sit here and say that my mama wasn't in heaven at God's feet begging him herself! There is no way to explain any of this. No way to show you a miracle other than a diagnoses that appeared to be fatal for me 3 days before, turned life saving miracle today! 

It's a miracle. It's the hundreds and thousands of people that have prayed for me. It is the Grace of God that I am going to live. It is a miracle that God heals. I believe that with all of my heart. God gave me a blessing. God knew it was not my time to go and even if he had thought it was all the prayers to save my life was a testimony to God it really wasn't my time.  I have always believed in God, I go to church but I have not always read my bible and prayed like I should have. I can tell you this, I begged God to save my life, over and over again. I begged to let me do what I am suppose to do in this world and that I am not finished and my testimony could make all the difference in the lives of so many other people. I am here and I feel good. I am still on rest this weekend because of the pain from the biopsy but my life is left to live and to share a message of hope, faith, grace, and Gods mercy. I am the luckiest person alive and I will do any and everything I can to spread his word. 

***This would be an incredible story if this is where it ended... Unfortunately, I received a call the following Monday stating that the pathology department was wrong, it was cancer, and it was not good... Continue to read my journey..... Through this mystery of cancer........ *****

BLOG #4 BIOPSY AND TESTING

When I started this blog, I decided that I wanted to be honest, upfront, and share this journey, in hopes to help someone else. I wanted a place that I could share in the process of what this disease does to you in the midst of a recovery. That someone else may face this same circumstance one day and through my words and story that it may help them in helping someone else as well.

It was the worse day of my life when the ER doctor told me it was liver cancer. I wanted to scream... and here I sit one week later, and I am still wanting to scream. I thought this kind of thing only happened to other people, I never dreamed I would be the person fighting for my life to rid my body of this horrid disease. I don't feel bad, I don't feel like what a cancer patient should feel like (at least what my mind imagines someone so sick to feel like) it's a disease that just attacks your body and doesn't express itself until you go for a routine check up or just an ache or pain. As horrid as it is, how can it lurk into your body and destroy you on the inside, and does everything it can to take your life away from you? I want the answers to these questions and even the doctors from the best school, and the most brilliant minds can not come up with the solutions to these questions. 

I went and had my liver biopsy on Tuesday. I was told to be there at 8:30 because my biopsy was scheduled at 11:00 and I needed time to get my chest x ray done. I did as I was told, my brother, sister, oldest daughter, and I were there.  I laid in a room forever, finally they did my x ray, and then I laid in that room again. Nothing to eat at midnight so by noon I was starving. There was nothing to drink either, as the dripped that liquid in me through my veins, I had to get up and go to the bathroom a lot. There I was in a hospital gown, that stupid thing, your whole butt hangs out of, luckily I didn't have to go out into the hall to get to that bathroom, believe me I would have. Reminds me of the story when my little girl was born, I had order my oldest and I a good dinner at the hospital that night and had it delivered, I got up to pay the guy and realized I forgot my wallet, walked back across the room, and I could hear Samantha bursting out in laughter. When the guy let she told me my gown was tucked into those big fish net underwear and my whole butt was hanging out. That story always makes me laugh. It was funny! 

My poor sister, Lori, I kept telling her to go and check when it was going to be my turn. The last time she checked she said they were coming now. I was pushed back in my little bed that had become my home for the day, and when we got to the operating room, I had to lay there in the hall waiting for the nurses to get everything ready.  As I laid there, A nurse walked by with a container of chili in her hand, as she approached me I reached my hand out, I was joking as I tried to take her food, I know it freaked her out, and it gave us all a little laugh, as the anticipation of going to that room and the unknown of what was going to happen scared me to death. I had been telling my nurse all day that I needed a "Knock Out Shot" she never showed up with one. 

 When I was wheeled into the room, my family was allowed to stay in there with me until the doctor was done talking to me and ready to do the biopsy . I wanted to cry, I wanted to jump out of that bed, I wanted to run away, I wanted to call all the doctors liars, and never face this issue again, I was running on the inside as I laid there and waited for the doctor to come. I was really about to get up and go look for him myself, I just wanted whatever was going to happen to happen and I wanted it over so quickly. 

The doctor came in, told me that he is almost certain that is liver cancer, and it's bad. There is a treatment that they can do for me but I have to be a candidate, so on Friday I have to go back to the hospital and do the test. I had that on my mind, as he explained how this was going to happen. The doctor asked who everyone in the room was, and everyone introduced themselves. He looked at me and said "You are not married?" I replied "No, if you are rich and you can save my life I will marry you" Everyone in the room laughed. He was a kind man, and he told me not to look as he put the needle in after I had a little shot in my IV what they call "twilight" I could hear things but I laid there still, I guess I was out a little but looking back I feel I was awake and alert the whole time . The doctor sang to me during the biopsy. I can remember and yet I have no idea what song he had sung for me .  The worse part was having to stay in the outpatient center for 4 hours after the biopsy. I guess  I thought I would just go home right away, I complained, a lot. I just wanted to get home. I wanted to go home and just lay in my own bed. There is no place like home when you are not feeling well. 

Once I was released and got home I had some pain pills I had been given a few days before and the pain from the biopsy was horrid, so I took them every 6 hours, and after about three time I was sick, the medicine made me sick no matter how much I ate before I took them. I feel as if yesterday was a bit of a blur, I laid on the couch all day to watch tv and until late in the night I could not tell you a single thing that was seen on that tv. 

Tomorrow morning I am back at the hospital at 7:00 for an 11:00 procedure.  I wish I knew what this entails and yet in my nervousness I didn't bother asking. I just want something to kill these cancer cells in my body, I want to go back to normal. I want my life just the way it was, and I have no time or patience for this horrible disease. I know and every single person has told me, it is all about your attitude, And as scared as I am... I am being strong, determined, and dedicated to kicking the shit out of cancer. Cancer isn't any stronger than I am and I will fight this battle with every ounce of hope, faith,and energy I have. I will not sit back and let this disease win, I have the most precious little girl in the world that loves and needs me. I know that she is what made my life whole and there is no way in this world that I can leave her. I will beat this disease, it may take every ounce of my energy  but it will never take my spirit and my desire to live my life.  I have Chris at home being my nurse, he is determined himself to save my life, he is on the internet day and night trying to find the answers. He is taking great care of me, I have no idea what I would do if he were not here with me, to make sure I get up from the pain, making me food, handing me my drink, standing in the bathroom while I shower making sure I don't fall from being dizzy on the pain pills. He is such a great person, and I truly do love him. He is going to be the person that goes through all of this horrid disease affects with me, and he is facing it like a champion. Please pray for him and all that he will be going through to help me to this recovery process. 

I can not put into words the feeling of being told you have liver cancer,and what it  feels like. I am scared but I am more hopeful than I am afraid. I have the best family and friends, the love and support is something I would never begin to repay so many people that have shown me such love and kindness. People think they are bothering someone going through something like this, but honestly people are needed to help in the recovery a simple phone call full of laughter is one of the best medicines. I am already sick and tired of hearing about cancer, I hate it with a passion, and yet I have no choice to talk about the solutions to solving my problem. My brother has been given/taken the task of saving my life in his hands, and that is a heavy burden to carry. I don't want him to carry that burden and yet that is who we all are. He loves me and he is determined to find the solutions to saving me, and I have to say I hope with all my heart that he does. It's in the doctors and God's hands and I am sure that I can and will beat this. Please as my title says don't cry for me, pray for me. Pray for my brother, Greg that he finds comfort and peace and that God let's him know that he is taking care of us all. My heart breaks to put my family through this, the people that love me so much, and that have done nothing my whole life than support, comfort, and love me. I am so lucky to have all that I have. 

Blog #3 Praying for "NO" snow tomorrow.....

Day 4.... of this craziness and I sit in my office, doing all that I normally do on any other workday, and I find myself stressed out about this stinking snow that is suppose to hit Atlanta tonight, or tomorrow morning. I can go and stay at a hotel to make sure that I get to the hospital for the testing, but how do I make sure that the doctor, and the technicians get there as well? It's crazy,  I had so many  hurdles jumped through to get me into an oncologist quickly and yet the fear of snow may just put a hold on all the things I need to do to get the testing done. Aggregation is setting into my mind. 

So, today I ask for prayers that I get this testing done tomorrow, that the delay in the weather is not even a factor and that I can get the answers to all of mine and my families questions as quickly as we were anticipating them to be. 

This weekend, I laughed a lot. I have a lot of support and great friendships that are leading me to the road of the unknown with a guiding hand and caring hearts. I am the lucky one, I have all of them to help me and to keep me from worrying while they are try to try and carry  the burden of uncertainty for me. I am loved and through the love I feel, I know I can and will conquer all. God has a plan for me, I have been working on fulfilling that plan over the last several years with my blogs, books, and friendships I have made along the journey. I know my journey of inspiration has just begun and I know through God and all of our prayers my life will be saved and blessed in and through me.  As the blog title states... Don't cry for me, Pray for me .... Please! 

Blog #2

Last night was a friend's surprise birthday party, throughout the day I was thinking about not going. I wasn't feeling that good, I was hurting several places and just wasn't sure I wanted to go. I didn't want to be that person that everyone was sitting whispering and pointing "there's that girl with cancer" kind of thing.

After a long and personal debate I decided to go, I had gone out earlier in the day and bought a new shirt, (as women we know something new to wear makes us all better). As I had walked around the shop looking at everything she had 2 or 3 times, not feeling really good enough to want to buy anything, but knowing it would make me feel better, I settled on a shirt.

 I came home and a friend and her family came over, we talked about these new events in my life, and at my suggestion we went for ice cream. It was beautiful outside as we sat in the sun, talked and laughed, it felt so good. It was the perfect thing to ease my wondering mind, I had when I was sitting at home alone before they arrived. I realized the idle times are the hardest. The times when you are alone and your mind has all the time in the world, to wander all over the place, it does it's best to go to the scary and dark places, that would scare anyone to death. It's a battle my friends to keep the faith, to steer fear from your mind and heart. I would like to think that I am so strong that I never have these horrible fears of "what could be" but I don't think anyone is strong enough for that. It's your mind and the fear of the unknown that makes this whole thing so hard and heart breaking. In my moments of alone I think about my kids, and grandson. About the people that I created in this world, that I love beyond anything else, the fear of not seeing my little girl growing up, is a horrible feeling. I love her so much and she loves me. The last 5 years of my life have been some of the very best days of my life. She was not expected and yet she was what I needed in my life is so many ways. She is my little mini me. She is the person that sleeps next to me every night. The first person in my day to speak to  me and always says "I love you mama" She wakes up in the middle of the night almost every night, if she can't feel me, crying out for me. I can't help but let my mind think of these things as I try to fight back the thoughts.

I want to live. I will do anything humanly possible to save my life. I can not imagine that God would allow me not to get through this. It's not my time. It's not my time. It's not my time. 

I went to the dinner, got all dolled up, and had a great time. Met some new friends, shared my story, but talked about so many other things. The sweet woman that sat beside me, she was great. It felt good to be out, around people. Cancer is hard, the isolation I am sure that some people feel can break your spirit. That is why I am so glad that I have such good friends and such great support to get me through all of this. 

When I was at the oncologist on Friday, I had 6 people with me. When we got home and were talking about how overwhelmed the doctor must have been with us all in there, my brother said "Did you see that one lady, she was there all by herself to have chemo, how sad is that?"  The world get's busy. People do their own thing and don't think about what other people may be going through, you should. Take the time to pay attention to the needs of the people around you, you may give someone the greatest gift in the world by giving of your time. 

The night of my ER visit my friends Tonya and Ashley came over, they wouldn't have taken "No" for an answer even if I had said it. We all sat around talking, as I asked Ashley if they were leaving for her birthday trip in the morning, she looked at me as if I were crazy and said "We are not going" I was surprised and asked "Why?" She said "I am not going with this going on with you, I can't go and have a fun weekend with this news" In that moment my heart smiled.  How do you ever repay a friendship like that? That's love and I have to tell you love is the BEST feeling in the world. 

This is a scary time in my life. The unknown is really hard, and I hear if it is in fact cancer it may be the hardest thing I will ever do to overcome. I am scared, I can not lie, but what I will say is I am up,it's Sunday morning, I am alive, I have faith and hope beyond all that I can imagine and I have some of the greatest people in this world behind me and beside me leading me into whatever it is that I will be facing and for that I am the luckiest person in the world. This journey is something that is at the moment nothing that I know anything about, I have not gotten on the internet to do research, mainly because I don't know what I am search for specifically and I do not want to scare myself to death. There are horror stories all around, there are triumphant stories, there are good and bad deals with people, hospitals, doctors, and whatever. I don't want to be afraid to fight this, therefore, I keep myself in faith, wait for my results, and know from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes, that everyday that goes by I am stronger and stronger to face and beat whatever is coming my way.  As I keep saying  Don't cry for me, Pray for me. I mean it. I don't want to cry and when I feel that I am, as I started to when I was writing about my kids, I stopped myself, I must be strong, I must be the warrior that my body and mind needs. It's more of a mental thing when it comes to cancer, you have to be mentally able to handle it or you will fall apart, so I am seriously preparing myself for this recovery! Pray for me, and pray more. Please ask God to save my life, I deserve it, we all do! 

Blog #1

On Wednesday  night, I was hurting in my right side and in my back. The pain wasn't horrible but it hurt, and some thing just wasn't right. I knew that and as I continued to be awoken through the night with the pain , I knew I needed to get in and see the doctor. I kept taking hot baths and just hoping the pain would just go away, and it never did. At 6:30 A.M.  I forced myself to get up, get dressed, and drive myself to the hospital. I was thinking kidney infection, or something of that sort.

I was taken back into a room immediately, within 5 minutes the doctor was in there, and said he would be back after speaking with me about the pain for a few seconds.In no time in walks a radiology technician sayings she was taking me back for a CT Scan.  The scan didn't hurt, didn't last long, but as I laid there on that table, I was worried. Anytime you have pain in your side and back, anyone would be concerned about what's going on with their body.

After getting back to my room the nurse walked in and said she was going to take my blood. I joked and said "I was hoping you weren't going to have to do that" she laughed and said "Everyone says that" I waited another thirty or so minutes and another doctor walked in, he sat down, he just had a weird look on his face, I could see something in his eyes, and it frightened me.  He said "Good news is no kidney stones, and your blood work looks really good." He sat there a second, and I could see a tear in his eyes, and I said "You have bad news for me, don't you?" He looked at me surprised and said "How do you know I have something bad to say?" I didn't want to say he had it written all over his face, so I simply said "I don't know why, I just do" That is when he had tears rolling down his face and said that there are so many nodules all over my liver. I began to cry, I begged him not to tell me that. I sat there without even knowing what to think or what to say, as I reached for my phone and started calling my brother as I dialed I said "I can't comprehend this, you have to talk to my brother. I handed him the phone when he answered as he proceeded to tell my brother that it was really bad and I have liver cancer. I'm not sure what my brother said but the doctor handed me the phone back as my brother said "I couldn't hear him" I think it's because a knife went through his heart in that second as it did for me and nothing else could be heard nor understood. It was one of those moments in my life that I will always remember, the moment that took every bit of life inside of me, and crushed my soul and heart in one second with that horrible word "CANCER"

My brother, sister, brother in law, and daughter all met at the office. We talked and cried and just sat there not knowing which direction we could go, what the outcome of this horrible news would bring to our lives. It was longest times of my life in silence on the outside in a room full of people and the inside of my mind was racing, thinking about my girls and grandson. The thought of not being there with them all the rest of the days of their lives was killing me inside.  I couldn't think of anything else in those first few hours but that I was dying. As the word spread and people were calling and saying they were praying for me I was grateful, but I was also just numb to it all. I wasn't sure that I was even going to wake up the next morning. As the day went on,I was able to wrap my head around more of the situation, and I knew that no matter how scared I was, and how bad or not bad this cancer was, I had no choice but to fight for my life. The more messages I received from people saying the same thing over and over from hundreds of people about "I am the strongest person they had ever known in their whole life, and how if anyone can beat cancer it was me" I knew in those moments that I read those words how right they all were. I am the strong person for everyone else, I give so much to others and never ever take anything in return. I love the people in my life, my friends, my family mean the world to me, and I know through all of the words of encouragement they have given to me that I can beat this. I could not even attempt to beat this without all of the love and support I have been shown and given. It has amazed me of the outpouring from people for and about me.

I saw an oncologist on Friday morning, my brother, sister, daughter, friends Ashley, Aaron,and Tonya all went back into a room and sat there waiting for the oncologist to come in and give us some answers. I think the doctor was a little surprised to see us all in there. She answered questions, told me how healthy not only I am as a whole but how healthy my liver and blood work are. She gave us reassurance and much needed words of hope  for the future, she even said this may not even be cancer, from the paper work it is bad all the things on and in my liver but that I am in great shape and treatment is available. She is doing a biopsy on Tuesday of the liver and it will give the answers we need to move forward. There is a process to this madness called CANCER,  so unfamiliar to me and almost everyone that I know. I just know that I will get the best treatment and I know no matter how big, small, or non existent this disease is inside me, I am loved and I will get the best and most urgent care in this world to save my life. I want you all to please pray for me, but I want you to also pray for my family and friends. The people that have taken me into their hearts and souls through all the good and tough days in my life and strengthened me with their love and support!

It's not that I see life differently, I just have a clearer vision of how precious life really is. I have said numerous times on facebook, don't cry for me, pray for me. That's what I need the most. I am feeling pretty good, my energy is great, my attitude is in check. I can't deny it would be easy to hide away from the world, cry my eyes out, and dwelling on what could be. But, I am strong and I have to attack this disease harder than it is attacking me and know that I can win this battle. Mind over matter.