Blog #99. My Fight Goes On

My pet scan showed that the Y90 didn't work this time on the right side of my liver. That was very disappointing! We are going to re-treat them this coming week with using the ablation method in trying to destroy them . I was extremely  thrilled that the cancer had not spread, it's always in the back of anyone's mind going through this. I tried not to think  that way  but your mind plays tricks on you when you are scared and uncertain about a situation you are going through. 

Well tomorrow is Father's Day. It's not a day that I celebrate my own dad. My dad wasn't ever really much of a father to me. He wasn't dependable nor willing to give of himself enough to be what a little girl needs in her life. I think what's made me strong enough to fight this horrible disease is all the disappointments I have been shown in life ...by so many people. Like my father, I rememeber sitting on the curb waiting for hours with my little suitcase by my side waiting on him to come and pick me up. He never showed up. 

I remember my mama calling and screaming at him over the phone calling him every name in the book. I can't imagine what made a man not love his child enough to just show up on the weekends that the court said he could see me. I feel that he didn't want to be bothered by me. I grew up knowing how he felt.  His actions spoke a whole lot louder than his words ever could. Because of him and several other people I grew up to be stronger and more independent than any young girl should have to.

 My brother was the man of our house (even as little children) he was the boy and he was made to be strong! I think sometimes about that and what a hard role that had always been for him. He's carried not only his own burdens but he's carried mine and my sisters too. He's always wanted to make things right for us. Especially with me getting sick it's changed him in ways that breaks my heart. He's so much a part of my journey and my heartaches are his heartaches. Sometimes ...I wish I could just do this on my own and not share anything with my brother or sister, because it's so painful it's so uncertain and so open ended to what the outcome could and will be. It breaks my heart. I see my brother pacing the floor, he doesn't say a word and sometimes he would rather me just not talk because me talking hurts worse sometimes. I just wish I could make this all go away. 

It's a horrible disease it's not just about me it's so much more about the people surrounding me and that love me.  3 of my cheerleaders are going to be out of town next week while I'm in the hospital all week. I was teasing my friend Tonya about whose going to bring me food that I won't be able to eat... We laughed. I want everyone to live their lives I know it's hard to do things and enjoy themselves when I'm going through so much but I'm going to be just fine. I'll be in and out of there in no time. 

Evan has gymnastic's camp next week from 9-5 which makes me happy, that will keep her little mind occupied. I know at night when it's bedtime she's going to be calling and missing me.  I tell her mama has to do all of this so I can be here for a very long time. 

She's 7 and I really think she knows more about Cancer than most 40 year olds. I wish I could keep it all a secret and pretend that everything is perfect but going through all of this and being so sick and down so much there is no way I could. No child deserves to have their mama sick. Mama's are suppose to take care of their babies and I find Evan happy taking good care of her mama! It's okay it's our realty and sometimes we just have to go through the storm to get through to the rainbow. 

I'm praying for the rainbow and I'm doing whatever I can to make this my opportunity to live and that's all I can ask of myself!

 Life is so full of uncertainty...it's what you do about and with the uncertainties as to your outcome. I just know that I want to make a difference in my story. It's not it's about the good days it's all the days in between and how you deal with making it through each and every single day the best you can. When I woke up yesterday the first thought I had was about being glad I'm alive. I'm just so glad to be alive. So glad to have the opportunity to keep going and fighting. We all want to live. 

I get scared a lot. I get to the hospital and I get hooked up with my port to IV's and they take bloodwork and I lay there waiting to be taken back to the  radiology department. I sign my consent forms and I hear "we're about to give you the good stuff" I lay there wondering how long it will be before I go to sleep1...2 and out. I wake up in recovery and that's the best part of the day I'm wake which means I'm alive. Another successful procedure and another step closer to beating this monster. I'm happy! This procedure wasn't so bad. I woke up hungry which is so rare and other than being really tired and a little sore on my left side under the bandage I'm feeling pretty good. I am planning on taking it easy this weekend. Just laying around and relaxing. Getting myself ready for two more rounds of treatment next week.

 

I don't know that I would be who I am today if I had not been treated the way I had in my past. It's made me stronger in ways and more unsure and insecure in others. The insecurities I've known in my life are the things that are hidden deep from the world, they are on the surface of my heart ...but buried so deep that most people can never see. I don't let my feelings show like I use to. If I did I would be in an argument with someone all the time. I just sit back and do what I have to do every time something new comes up. I'm okay with that. My sister and I were talking yesterday and she said that she knows I get my feeling hurt because I am the type of person that would be there for everyone all the time and she said. Most  people aren't like that. Boy do I know that. I'm a giver but I've found through this I am and will be less of a giver to some people. Not to be mean but I owe the people that have been by my side every step of this journey the most. I'm changed in ways I never dreamed that I would change. I've been shown love and support by people that I never dreamed I would. 

It's okay I really don't need anyone to do anything for me. I'm pretty self sufficent. I try my best not to ask for help. I feel bad when I have to ask someone to do something for me I don't want to bother other people. For an independent person to have to depend on other people ....it's hard. 

I hate having Cancer. I hate being sick. I hate being this person that I don't even recognize sometimes. I just know that if I didn't have my will to live as strong as I do I couldn't make it through this. Believe me there are times that I think it would be so much easier to just give up. If I give up I die and that's not an option it will never ever be an option. 

 I woke up hungry and still very tired. I ate and fell back to sleep several times. Dr Chamsuddin came in to check on me. He pushed down on the incision and asked if it hurt, of course it did. But all went well and I was released and I'm home resting until Monday with my next procedure. I'm going to be admitted until Thursday! 4 days in the hospital doesn't sound exciting but I know those 4 days are leading me closer to a the rest of the days of my long life so I go in and do what we do to get this monster destroyed. 

Things are moving along smoothly as they can be. Hoping next week goes just as smoothly and I have no complications. I'm ready to have a big ole remission party one day soon. That's the goal. 

Please say a prayer for me and my family next week that everything goes as planned and I'm able to come home as soon as possible. There is no place like home. I hate being in the hospital other than getting those pain shots that can immediately take away the awful pains I have. 

Thanks once again for reading and sharing my story. 

Don't Cry For Me...Pray For Me!!!