Blog# 73... Don't come running when you think it might be too late.....

Eight more days.... and then  I am back... for what I hope is my last procedure. I'm actually looking forward to it. It's  amazing that it will be two months gone by since the last time I was in the hospital. I guess that is why I am not dreading it as much as I normally do. I am just ready to have this disease gone. I am ready to scream out to the world "I am in Remission" That day isn't even something that I can wrap my mind around at the moment. I don't know how to  feel something that isn't  the truth so I can't say what being in remission is truly going to feel like for me. I just know that it's going to be amazing and I have worked hard to get to that point. 

Yesterday was a day that put perspective on things for me... Something very simple, yet very profound...

I was walking outside of my front door to meet Evan from getting off the bus after school.. I was taking her to sign up for gymnastic's. She has been wanting to go for months and I have not committed to signing her up because of being sick and never knowing how I was going to feel. I was willing to wait to sign her up when I knew that I could not only make the commitment to the class but to my little girl. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt my daughter in any way and disappointing her with me not feeling good enough to take her would have hurt us both. ...

 As I walked outside my neighbor came practically running over into my yard, saying "Christy, oh Christy" It took me by surprise. I looked at him as he continued saying "I am so glad to see you, my wife and I saw the ambulance in front of your house last night and we were so scared" I looked at him and asked "Ya'll thought the ambulance was for me?" He said "Yes, we sure did, I am sorry" I said "Don't apologize I am doing good" I was nice and quickly excused myself from the conversation and cut him off. What was important to me was telling my little girl I was taking her to sign up for gymnastic's. Let me explain my thoughts a little further. The fact that him and his wife saw the ambulance in front of my house last night ... and he comes running over afraid something had happened to me with such a caring heart... Well they have known I have been sick for 1 year and not one other day during that year have either one of them bothered to come over and check on me, and when they think something is wrong (like so many other people) they come running feeling guilty or whatever they must be feeling that I became a priority in their day all of the sudden. I am not here to make other people feel good when they realize how they should have been when they are thinking it's too late to change things.  I just have no time for people that have no time for me! Life has slapped me across the face on numerous occasions and you know what? I have learned the lessons, took the initial pain and have realized I am better off without some people in my life. I am a very honest person. I don't sugar coat a single thing. If I don't like something I don't pretend to like it. I am not going to just agree with someone because it's easier. I am going to be "ME" and I am going to stand for who I am. I am not a thief, nor a liar, I am honest to a fault, and I do write a lot about the things I do in my part of life to make someone else feel better. It's not about tooting my own horn, it's about hoping to make someone else realize there are other people in the world and how good it actually feels to help others.  

Reading this blog you may think my attitude with my neighbor was mean as I cut him off. I am not sorry for that. I am sorry that the world is so focused on themselves sometimes that they can not reach out to someone else in their time of need and just lend a shoulder to cry on. I was also thinking this morning as a song came on the radio, a song that made my mind go directly to the thought of slow dancing. The intimidate moments that I have missed over the last year. The feeling of being held close cheek to check and slow dancing body to body. I miss  that. I could almost feel the warmt of slow dancing in that moment and realized I need to go out and slow dance with someone. I need to feel that sense of comfort. I have been in a relationship for 6 years and I have been longing for comfort over this last year and through this disease and realizing all the things I have settled for and missed out on  in life I realize what I will  not settle for any longer. This disease will forever change who I am .... I deserve to be happier than I ever have before. For some unknown reason God has chosen to spare my life and I can only assume that he plans for all the rest of the days of my life to be happy and fulfilled and not living a meaningless lie with someone that doesn't feel the need nor the desire to comfort me.  I said I am honest to a fault and sugar coating a lie doesn't make it the truth! 

 I don't know what my personal life holds but I do know that I have something bigger than me to fulfill with the world and I am going to do all I can to not just be a person focused on what the world can give me but what I have been given to offer to the world. 

Don't cry for me ....Pray for me! I wanted it all and settled for less,. no more .. We can have it all if we are willing to wait for it!