Blog #22 " The reality of this disease"

The sad part about having cancer is... there are so many things you have to do, so many of those things are a constant reminder of the disease and the uncertainty of tomorrow.  

I chose this picture for my blog today because as a mother we want our children to need us, to want us, to love us, and to believe that we can do anything. So today was a tough one for those reasons alone..... 

This morning, I received a call from my Insurance Company, I was finally assigned a case manager. I requested a case manager, several weeks ago  to make certain I was following the guidelines, as far as what they will pay and trying to  get quicker responses on required  treatments and tests,  that have to be certified, along with making sure all these pending claims I have with them get paid.  

In our conversation I didn't realize how detailed it would be. How she would go over those kinds of things that no one fighting for their life really wants to think about... much less have to have to have the discussions of their long term care needs, that you may have further down the line in this disease. 

I broke down in tears several times, first time was when I had to repeat for the millionth time my story of how this cancer all came about, all the things I have been through, it hurts so much reliving the details of how my life changed in a blink of an eye. When I have to talk about cancer, I think about it. Sometimes I just wish I never had to think or talk about it ever again, and usually that is every single day! 

 Then she asked about Hospice care and  explained how they pay those kinds of claims and she would help me throughout the process of everything! How I should make sure I have people to take care of me when I am in and out of the hospital. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell her that none of those things were going to come into play in my life, I am going to be healed and I will no longer ever have cancer again.

 As much as I wanted to say that, all I could do was cry thinking about the pain that her words brought into my life today. I hate Cancer, I wish that it was something that a simple pill could get rid of... like a sinus infection does with antibiotics. Makes me mad as hell that I am sick. The thought of me having to have hospice come in and take care of me in my final hour is almost unbearable to think about. No matter how strong I am, conversations like these are the worst. They are truly the WORST~! 

I try my best to believe that I am going to be well, and there is always some thing lurking in the background of life that takes all my confidence and within a second can change it all. When I hung up the phone with my Insurance Company I called my friend Ashley and cried my eyes out, I opened up my heart to her and shared my fears, and sitting there on the other end of the line I knew she was sharing her fears with me. She said she just can't wrap her mind around the fact that I am sick! How she is in denial and feels it really can't be true. I know that feeling, I feel that way too. 

I wonder sometimes if all cancer patients feel this way about their own lives. It's hard to know because I don't think most people want the answers for their lives that I am always asking my doctors for. I want to know, I don't just want to wake up one day and I can not get up and go to work and I just drift away from life and not know what to expect. I want to know how time is going to go with this disease and no one has those answers for me. It makes me mad. It so unfair that you are given this disease and you have to fight for your life and you have no idea in the world how long of a life you have left. 

It is not easy going through this disease. It's not easy living a life of uncertainty but when you really think about it ... We all live an uncertain life. I could sit here and dwell on the things that we discussed this morning, but I have worked all day .. Dried my tears and kept going! thought on an off about certain aspects. I decided to share this in my blog today because these things are important to prepare for yourself or even someone else you know.  Cancer is a silent killer, someone told me that last week, and to be honest, I believe it. It's something that is living inside of you, killing you. Taking the very life you have inside of you and destroying it day by day. I don't understand how that can happen. Why it happens to some people and not others. 

At lunch today, this guy walked by and asked me if I were saving the cur-tons from my salad to feed the birds. I laughed and said "No, I am eating healthy and a healthy diet doesn't include those" He chuckled, I then told him "those things could be the difference between life and death" He walked away. He might not have given  it much thought now in his life, but if someone he knows gets sick, he will be considering it a whole lot more then. Life changes and things that change usually makes us all see things through new eyes 

I finally have my t shirts made and ready to send out..... You can log onto Paypal and send $10 per shirt with a $2 per shirt shipping charge to singlemombook@gmail.com, in the remarks section please include your size request and mailing address,  and we will have them out to you in a few days. I have an amazing friend sending out the shirts for me and she works a full time job herself, as well as being a single mom, and focusing on me all the time, so be patient with receiving them for a week at least. She is doing all of this out of the kindness of her heart and I appreciate her very much~! I will also be adding a link to paypal on the side of the blog  along with a photo of the t shirt! These shirts are to help me in paying for the alternative treatment I am doing, nothing greater to give to then saving the life of someone that wants to live so badly and has so much to live for! Thank you for your orders and support through this journey! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me to beat cancers ass! 

Thanks as always for reading and sharing this journey .... No one is an island and we all need a friend to help us through some of the tough days in life. 

Blog # 21 "Fears, Desires, & Overcoming"

I HAVE CANCER & I HATE IT..... 

 I  honestly never really  gave any thought.to what that meant...It  always happened to other people, never in my inner circle... and I thought no more than (oh no) to what cancer meant in someones life.  

I will live with the worry of having this disease inside of me, for the rest of my life. Even if the miracle I am expecting  to happen, I will always be wondering if it has  come back and if it has spread. I see my life flashing before my eyes every single day, and it's painful. I am tired of hearing about how I need to have a good and positive attitude, because honestly, I am doing the best I possibly can under the circumstances. I have become this person that is fighting a disease and I am not the happy go lucky person I once was. I wonder if I ever will be that person again? I hope so, but at this moment I am not sure. 

When something like this happens it turns your whole world upside down, it takes your heart and soul to the core of pain that you have never known before and it's almost as if cancer is able to attack you mentally, emotionally, and physically. I know every one says "Keep positive" Well let me tell you this,  you try waking up every single day of your life and fighting for another day of life and I can promise you that you will have those down moments, and if you say you wouldn't or you don't .. I call "BULLSHIT"! 

I didn't start writing this blog to sugar coat and spread rainbows and unicorns all over the Internet, I started this blog to spread the experience, the good and bad days and the truth! And don't we all know how much the TRUTH hurts sometimes?

 I am realistic, and in being so, I know that I am fighting as hard as I can, but the pain of a shot I get once a week, the nights I wake up with severe headaches, the desire to eat piazza, steaks, candy, bread, and drink a good ole cup of coffee (like I have for the last 20 years of my life) I start missing the old me. I miss things. When I begin missing them, I get upset. I am normal. I know that  most people could not do what I am having to do. I am so sick and tired of veggies, salad, and fruit, but I have no other choice then to get my body as healthy and clean as I can. I have no idea what the future holds for me, none of us do, but most of you don't walk around every day fearing for your life the way that I do. I am so stressed out, so worried, and my mind just will not back off, as much as I try. I fight off the fears I face and sometimes they come and slap me so hard across the face that I have no choice but to melt down and cry. 

My choices were limited from the start of this disease. I am at stage 4 and yet I feel good. I think the biggest problem I have is .. How can I be so sick, and I don't feel it or believe it?  I don't want cancer. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave the people I love and yet traditional medicine has no cure for the cancer I have. I want to scream. I want to know what I did to get this disease. I want answers. If I had the answers then just maybe I could resolve this in my mind. What has sucked the most is getting different answers from every single doctor I have seen. The only thing the traditional medicine doctors have agreed upon is that "I can not be cured" How heartbreaking is that? 

I know there are a lot worse off people then me right now, and I pray for them too. I just deserve to try and understand what is happening to me. My whole life I have always put everyone else before myself. I would go without anything I needed to give to someone else, and I want my turn. I want to be healed. I want this cancer to just be gone at my next oncologist appointment. I want to be normal ... Well, as normal as I once was again.LOL

This could be any one's reality at any time. I had no idea on 2/6/2014 that a visit to the ER would change my entire life in those moments of trying to figure out why I had a pain in my side.  Cancer is a lonely disease. It's one that plays with your mind, one that controls your thoughts even as hard as you try and fight those fears off, they are there. They are more obvious on the days you get your blood taken, you go for new test and procedures .  This kind of fear, no one deserves. 

The good thing about this all, I am doing the alternative treatments. I don't really feel bad, besides a little nausea sometimes and a headache here and there. I have a very caring and kind person taking care of my medical needs and making sure I am getting what I need. Everyone in his office is amazing. I have faith in them doing everything they can to heal me, and yet the fear of this monster inside me being stronger than what we have in store for it, makes me afraid.  But, I go 3 days a week, I take my supplements twice a day, drink my water 3 times a day, and try to rest as much as I can. My sleeping schedule has gotten better, I don't wake up every single night in the middle of the night (wide wake) like I use too. Now, I sleep almost the whole night through. Except for last night with the headache, of course. The mind is a mystery and I think it controls so much more of our body and spirit than we give it credit for must days!  I am a fighter, and I will not go down without the best and strongest fight I have inside me. I am fighting every day. I am determined to hear "CANCER FREE" but along that journey I will be afraid and discouraged at times. We all get discouraged we all sometimes second guess ourselves with any decisions in life. Life isn't easy. It's like if you take the road to the right, sometimes as if you should have gone left. There is no way of knowing how things are going to turn out in life without going through the experiences. We all hope to always make the right choices, but because we are human and can not see into the future with our crystal balls, it's never a guarantee how thing will turn out. Most of our lives whether it's in medicine treatments, marriages, friendship, or just driving down the road, we have to put our faith in other people. Some will let us down, some will be the best friends we could have ever asked for, and some will break our hearts, but we have to keep putting our faith in other people out there to have the things we need for our lives. No one can live in this world all alone, and we all need relationships in one sense or another. 

I want you all to know that it's scary. I face my fears every day when I get up, go to work, get my treatments, and do my every day things in life, I have to do. I am not the same person and when the treatments are over and I am on the other side of this I am hoping that through all of this pain and suffering I have done and gone through, I will be better and stronger than I ever was the day before I was diagnosed. 

I got a call from a friend the other morning, she was crying so hard that I began to cry not knowing what she was even saying to me, When she was able to speak she told me a a friend of ours son had passed away. I felt horrible pain, I had not seen this young man since he was a little kid, and the thought of the pain that this friend is going through has really taken my heart and soul to a very painful place over the last couple of days. I only real person close to me that died was my mama, and I remember the day like it was yesterday, the pain I felt just about killed me, and I can not imagine losing a child. My heart breaks for her and I hope that through the next several days ahead she faces, she knows that there are people in the wings loving and praying for her. I hope that each of you will pray for my friend Missy Westgate as well. She needs all the strength any of us can give to her and her family right now! 

Life is no guarantee of tomorrow. I even if you are facing some of the things I am facing. Do your best to be strong and have faith that everything will turn out okay,. That's what I do. I give my life my all, and sometimes my all is mentally and emotionally painful, but I can never give up, and no of you should ever give up in your own journey. Life is full of miracles and surprises, the baddest of days can turn into the most glorious of them too. Be strong in what you believe, what you are working for in your own life, and know it's okay to be afraid, it's normal, but in those moments of fears and uncertainty in life know that there are people that love and will support you through the storms of life. I want the world to know I'm a weak and incredibly strong person that has been determined to fight for her life, love her family and friends, and to do the best she can with every single day that she is given. That is all anyone can ask of me and can even ask of you. I don't talk about my kids on my blog every much because it's painful, I want this journey to be about me and I keep most of this stuff from them. I don't want my little 6 year old daughter fearing for my life as much as I do! She knows I am sick and all I tell her is I am getting better every day! That's all a small child needs to know and especially now, if the time were to come that I should have to explain more to her, I will. 

Don't cry for me ... Pray for me... Because prayers are stronger than any man/woman could ever be.! 

Blog #20 "The Things you don't even think about dealing with cancer"

The Things that you don't even think about......

It's day 6 of my treatment. I get up earlier on the days I have treatment.. so I can get into the office, work a few hours and then hit the road to The Genesis Center, in Cumming GA. The distance between my office and The Genesis Center is about 35 miles one way. It takes me an hour to get there. I am usually there getting treatment an hour and a half, and I can't eat before treatments.. so, I am starving, and  I have to eat before going back to work, and then I have another hour drive back to the office. I generally leave the office between 8:30 or 9:00 and get back anywhere 1:00 and 1:30. Come back to the office and do all the things I had left over from the day before, and all the new things I added to my to do list while I was at treatment. 

I get off, I have my child and my grandson most days at my house. Evan has games on Tuesday and Saturday with practice on Thursday nights. The thing about being sick for me is... I just don't have the time to be sick. I am running from sun up to sun down like everyone else is. 

Cancer doesn't stop your life it complicates it.. It causes stresses that you don't even consider looking in from the outside. Sometimes, I come home and I just get into the bed and lay there. I want to relax but ...I hear the kids screaming and crying down the hall because so and so took so and so from so and so. Ugh! I just wish I could explain that I need to rest, I need them to be on their best behavior and it seems since I  have found out that I have cancer it's even more complicated at home with these two. 

I am doing my best to say calm and at a peaceful place but who could be at a peaceful place when everything in their life is so overwhelming?  I have a full time job that requires a lot of me, and I have been told by many people, just slow down. The one thing that some people can not understand is I love my job, I love my customers, and doing this or any job makes me happy. It fulfills me. I have always been a workaholic and overachiever and cancer will not take that away from me,EVER! 

I just want everyone to know that as happy as I am that things are going in the right direction for me, it's hard to give up 3-4 hours 3 days a week to go and get treatment. It isn't the place I want to be. I wish I didn't have to go, but because I have cancer and I have chosen this right path for me, I must do some things I don't want to to to get back and overcome this monster I have living inside of me. 

I have some amazing friends that come and sit with me while I am having treatment .. I love the company and love that it makes the time seem to go by so much faster, and its' awesome catching up with some people that I have not seen in a very long time.  It makes me happy and makes the times I have to be there more bearable. 

I hate complaining about anything but ... I have that right.  I am just grateful that I don't work at a corporate office because I think my choices of treatments would be more limited than the choices I have now in being self employed! The positive in all of this! 

I am getting better. I just want things to continue this way. I shared all of this today to show you how tough this is for me and all the adjustments to my life I have to make to make this all possible and how complaining isn't going to change anything. Just suck it up and deal with it!!! 

I was about to post this and I see this post on my wall from an old high school friend and thought I would share with you all...... It made me laugh... 


So sick of people complaining about their day or their commute then seeing people dealing with serious issues. So before you post your daily bitch, look at your life compared to what others are going through ( Christy Hicks and Carla Brannon Poe) and so many others and decide if life is that hard it or you are a Whiney sissy that needs to be happy with what you have and shut up.

Blog #19... "Amazing News"

My cancer markers are coming down...

Today, is a good day! I went for my alternative treatment this morning. I had been a little worried over the weekend because I was having some real pain Saturday  & Sunday in my rib on my right side. I was worried about my liver and wondering why it would be hurting. I am no doctor, but I knew there was something going on with me. I waited to say anything to anyone until this morning,  when I saw the doctor, I don't like worrying anyone.  

So, when I went in for treatment the nurse said the doctor had ordered more blood work. It worried me a little. I had just gotten my blood work on Friday when he was out of the office, and the numbers looked good to me, I began to wonder if I had missed something. I sat there that hour with my friend Mary, and every time I saw the nurse I asked if the doctor was going to go over the blood work with me from last week and if he would explain to me why he was ordering more, she kept reassuring me, that he would.  I am totally  on top of my health and  my blood work, I review it from each time it is taken to make sure every little test and number is getting better. I will be an expert by the time all of this is finished. 

Finally, my treatment was done and the doctor walked in, asked if he could talk to me in front of my friend, I said "Of course" ( That worried me too, I must admit) He said my numbers looked great, he was ordering more blood work today because he wanted to see how the treatments were working with getting this cancer problem resolved, because the original blood work was from just what I was doing before I started my treatments there. He said that he will be checking my blood a lot, to see how things are working. I felt a huge  relief in that moment....

I knew on Friday that my cancer marker C19-90 had gone from 1450 to 1350 and I was celebrating that, what I had not noticed was my LD was 928 at MD Anderson, and now it is 298 .. Once again this lower number was from  before this treatment that he is giving to me at his office. I was ready to jump up and down. That is amazing that my cancer marker has gone down 630 points. I am getting better and now with this treatment I know I can kick this cancers ass! It's the moment of happiness that I am seeing how good I am doing. I hope that this continues to decrease and I will have no cancer in my body anywhere ... EVER again! 

Then, I asked about the pain in my right top rib and he said "Anytime you are having this treatment and you have pain it is a great thing, it means it's killing the cancer. Apparently when the cancer is dying, it swells up and dies off, which sounds odd to me, but I believe it. I am so excited .. I know that the pain I feel is worth every second of my discomfort if I can make this nightmare go away. 

I just want this more than anything else I have ever wanted in my life. I want to be well, I want to know that I will never miss a second of the joys in my little Evan's life. I took her to a birthday party this weekend. She painted a seahorse, I helped her a little and when she was finished I picked it up, and painted "Love you, Mom" on the back, I couldn't help but get emotional thinking and wondering if this would be the last time, her and I could possibly do something like this together. I cried and I could not help myself. It's the way things go, some things overwhelm me more than other. 

I was at the nail salon the day before getting my toes painted, and the lady asked if I wanted a manicure for $10. She looked at my hand, and said "Your nails are so healthy" I burst out in tears. It was not that she upset me, it's just describing my nails at healthy made me freak out... Stupid things can upset me. It's silly I know but hey, I have the right to get upset from time to time. 

This journey through cancer has many up's and down's there are good days and there are bad days, I know that no matter what kind of day it is, I can make it through this. I will forever be changed, and you know, maybe that is my lesson in life, and maybe just maybe I am here to help each of you see your own life through  new eyes. Don't get me wrong, I wish I never had cancer, but because I do, I am going to make the best of it. Share my story, be it my strongest or my weakest moments. I am no robot I am a mom, a sister, a Aunt, a Grandmother, and I am someone that has feelings and has hopes and dreams. I want to live a full life and I know that 45 isn't but half as far as I want to go.

Thank you all for your love and support The new and old friendships I have and for following a journey that is full of not only the journey of cancer, in the good and bad ways that is lived throughout my life and my families. 

Sharing hope is the best present you can give another. Don't be afraid to share with your friends and family. Cancer isn't a dead end in anyone's life it's just another obstacle that can be overcome. Watch me!!!!! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me and the continued successes of my full recovery!  

Blog #18 " The good and bad days of Cancer"

CANCER is a lonely disease.....

It's weird how this disease can sometimes make you feel so isolated from the world. I got a text message this week from my group of girlfriends, that I call "The Covington Girls" wanting to know if I could meet for lunch. I couldn't go, I was headed 45 minutes in the opposite direction for treatment that day. I cried, because I wanted to go, I seem to be reminded every day how much my life has changed. Before now,  every chance I got to get together with them, I did. 

Now, this disease has totally spun my life in a new direction, it's about doing what I can to save my life, and in doing so... I am going to be missing out on a lot of things. I know it's worth it, and I am fighting this fight that no one understands except for the people that cry every day, have sleepless nights, and wake up every morning just to hear my voice to make sure I made it through the night. 

That is a hard feeling to carry in your heart, you know why people do the things they do, it's unspoken, most of the time. The hardest part of this disease for me is seeing my brother and sister having to suffer through the pain and worry as much as I am. I worry so much more about both of them as I worry about myself. I wish every day that this will just go away, to give the three of us some comfort, and to not let them suffer through any more heartache for me. We are as close as the three of us can be, and what I feel, I know they feel too. I do my best to not cry to them, to not upset them, to not make their hearts hurt anymore than they do.

The one lesson I have learned through this journey, that I don't like so much is.... People have their own lives and sometimes they do not need the burdens of another person to interfere with theirs. It's okay, you known when someone should not be a part of your life, and making choices is what friendships are about, you have some that last a lifetime and some that fade away in the distance. No regrets, you only need the people in your life that want to be there and will always be there.  People often  seem to disappoint us, but what can we do about the choices of other people??? Sometimes, it's really just to hard for people to be a "FRIEND"... I get that. And hey, it's okay... we all have to make our own choices in life, don't we??? Be okay with choices that are made throughout your life, the ones you make, and the ones that are made for you, those things always happen for a reason. 

Friday, I had great news... my cancer marker that was taken at MD Anderson a few weeks ago... was at 1450, and before beginning this new alternative treatment, and only drink this special water, and taking some vitamins and supplements, my cancer maker is down 100 points to 1350. That was awesome news. I am so glad to see it going down. I am excited to see that marker changing and decreasing. The plan is to check my blood and cancer markers every 2 weeks. So, I will be anxious to see how much it goes down again, next week. It's working.

 I was meeting a friend for lunch on the way back from treatment, and I was thinking about all the places we could go eat, my favorite place to eat is "On the Border" I love their cheese dip. I could seriously dive into the bowl and eat the entire thing myself,in one sitting.

 I was talking to my brother, while I was trying to decide, I said,"I think I might go to On the Border, and get chicken fajita's and dip my chicken in a little of the cheese dip" Guess what he said "I wouldn't do, you are doing so good. What you are doing with your diet and treatment so far is working, I would not change a single thing" As much as I wanted to hang up the phone, lie to him, and go do it anyways, I said "You're right"...

Temptations in life are always there and I am thankful that I have someone to lead me through this journey, and lying to him would have been lying to myself.So I had my usual salad, instead. 

 As long as you are truthful to those around you, you can always be truthful to yourself. Being strong and dedicated to this recovery is tough sometimes, I just know that I want this cancer cured,and the only way that I know how to make this happen is to be honest, dedicated, and never allow my wants to over rule my needs. I wanted that cheese dip but I didn't need it. 

I want this disease out of my body, and as I pray to God every night to save my life, I also tell him, what a amazing leader for him I will be, because I know that he can and will heal me. 

I have some awesome fund raising things going on, I designed a 
T-shirt, that I thought would be cute, I drew a simple little sketch, and put it on Facebook. The next thing I know my friend Mimi, had contacted a friend of her's that owns his own printing company, she had sent him the sketch, and asked him to design what I  wanted, and ordered 200 shirts, and would not let me pay a dime. They will be ready next week and I can not wait to get my hands on them. They will be for sale through my Paypal account, and all funds for the shirts will be used in helping me to pay for my alternative treatments. It's expensive and I thought that selling these T-shirts would be a great way to help me in making this full recovery more financially manageable. The shirts are $10.00 and I hope that I see these shirts bought and sold all over the country. I want people to know I am fighting for my life, I want the shirts to mean something to the person wearing them, that they know and will spread the message of not only my journey with this horrible disease but will make more people less afraid to reach out in their own journey's of uncertainty in life. My friend Mimi has also set up a go fund me account, if you would like to make donations. Please do not feel obligated to do so, I think it's a great way to give as little or as much as you want to give. I feel funny doing it, but I won't lie the treatments are expensive and I really could use the help.. Here is the link to donate if you wish....http://www.gofundme.com/7ptw48....I said in the beginning of writing my blogs that "cancer" isn't something to be ashamed of, it's nothing any of us can control, and we never asked for this, we are only asking for love, comfort, and a cure. 

Thank you all for continuing to follow my journey, spread my message of a cure, and my hope to help someone else facing their own fears and uncertainty. Life is very short, and you have no idea what tomorrow will bring, Just know that hope, faith, comfort, and prayer is sometimes all you need to get you through some of the most difficult days you will face. 

  

Blog #17 "Great Reassurance"

What a difference a good night sleep can make! 

I went to bed last night so full of questions and concerns. I think the fact that I was going to see the oncologist today, scared me a little. It was that reminder that I am not doing the whole traditional medicine thing, that I suppose most people do. I was second guessing myself, and wondering if I am making the right choices, and fearing what he would say at my appointment this morning. 

I am not the cancer EXPERT, I only know what I have been told about my own cancer, and honestly, it's been a bunch of information that has varied in meaning from one doctor to the next.  That is what I suppose goes along with second, third, and fourth opinions really is all about 

This morning, I thought about writing down every thing I am doing in my alternative treatment method, but I decided I knew that treatment like the back of my hand now, and it would just be easier to explain it all. 

My wonderful sister, Lori went with me today!  She never wants to miss an appointment and doesn't even like me doing my alternative treatment for that hour I am doing it, alone. The great thing about that is so far... I haven't had to do any of it alone. I have lots of friends that live on the north side of town and they have been offering to come and sit with me, it makes me feel good and it make the time go by so fast having such good people come and share the hour or so  with me while I do the treatments. Tomorrow, my friend Julie and her cute daughter are coming to sit with me. I have not seen Julie in about twenty years, we have kept up with one another on facebook for many years, but it's going to be great to see her again in person. It always amazes me the people that come when someone is in need, I have always been that person, and now that I am the one in need, it feels great to have to troops rally around me! You have no idea how much that means to someone going through what I am going through. Some people I am closest to have surprised me and disappeared, and some of the people I would have never expected to be standing by my side are my biggest supporters. 

The doctor's appointment was EXCELLENT today! I worried for nothing, he walked into the room, and wanted to know all about the alternative treatments I am doing, I explained it all, from the water I drink, to the supplements I am taking, and all the blood testing that is being done out of Greece.... I told him that I wanted to send all the blood results to him for reviewing, and that I had decided I felt so good, that I wasn't wanting to do chemo now. I was expecting a lecture, instead what I got from him., was total support., He said he wanted me to continue in what I am doing, that I looked great, my blood looked even better, and that we should do the alternative treatments for 6 weeks and we will re-evaluate on May 1st. In the meantime... he wanted to be in the loop of all my blood results and he would be there if I needed him. He thought I was doing the right thing, and seemed to think it was working good for me. I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe a traditional medicine doctor would agree to what I was doing, and I suppose you could say I was SHOCKED. Shocked.... but glad and in that moment I felt reassured in knowing that what I am doing is promising and is the right thing for me. I am so happy.  

I worry too much. I over analyze everything. I want to know without a shadow of a doubt that this is this and not that. Sometimes you just have to believe, have faith, hope and trust yourself. I keep on as I always have trying to remind myself of this my whole life! 

It was a GREAT day, I snuck off with my sister for a few hours, had lunch and did a little shopping, we only had an hour and a half but it felt good, I felt normal, I felt like a woman and not a cancer patient, something I have not felt in the last seven weeks.  I had one of the most perfect days, the sun was shining, I got the reassurance I was hoping and seeking, and I got to spend all of that time and positive energy with my best friend in the world, my sister.

I have focused a lot of my time on this disease over the last several weeks, it's hard not to. But, I realized today, that while I am stressing over CANCER, I am losing memories and important moments that I should be enjoying.  I can not allow cancer to define me, even as uncertain as it makes my life. I want to make more memories with my family and the more attention I give to this STUPID CANCER, the less time I have making memories of happiness. 

I just want to be happy and I know even with cancer...... I can and will be happy!  I deserve it ....cancer certainly doesn't~~~~

Today, was a Great day, and that is all any of us can ever hope for.  When we were almost back from downtown, my friend Mimi called, when I answered she told me how she had seen my drawing for the fund raiser  T-shirts I wanted to do. She said "I have already sent the this to my friend in Greenville, SC and he is printing 150 adults and 30 kids shirts. He will have the proof for you to review tomorrow and I am picking them all up on Saturday!  She said "I won't even do this unless you let me pay for the shirts" I got tears in my eyes, the friendships that have come in and through this horrible disease, are simply amazing. I can't wait to see what they come up with, and I know that I will love them. The shirts will be $10.00 and I will be checking on how much shipping will be, I can't imagine that shipping would be more than $3-4 dollars, so it's pretty reasonable and will help me in the expense of the alternative treatments that insurance will not pay for. I will keep you all updated on when and where you can purchase the shirts from. My sister has volunteered to be the person handling all of that for me with orders and the money. 

Don't cry for me, Pray for me... Thank you all for the friendships and for the support. 

Blog 16 " How will I know God, when my time is ending?"

Tomorrow, I see my oncologist here in Atlanta, that I have chosen to follow in my cancer journey. I am not sure how happy he is going to be with me and my choices of treatment. I feel like I am going to have to explain my decisions to him. Like why I am choosing to get my body as healthy as I possibly can, instead of starting chemo right away! And doing the alternative treatments. 

I don't feel sick. Yet, I am apparently very sick with cancer. It scares me. It makes me want to cry. I want someone to tell me what's going to happen to me. I want someone to explain to me how I can be so sick, and I not feel the least bit sick at all? Why have I been to 5 different medical doctors and each one of them has given me not only a different source of my cancer, but all different chances of my life over the next 6 weeks to 12 months????? Am I dying each day? And I want someone to explain to me how dying feels so I will know  when I am starting to die? I want the answers ....and yet all I can do is try my best to fight for my life. I want to know... God, I want to know! 

Is this going to be coming to the end of my life? Shouldn't I have some signs that I am not going to make it, other than a few radiation based test that shows something a little different with each test that is administered?

I don't want to die. I don't want this to be the end of Christy Hicks, the person that wants all these things that I have yet to accomplish in my life. The person that is determined to live a long life, and yet I am afraid I might not wake up tomorrow. It's a horrible feeling. I think of these things. I fear the unknown and I honestly get mad to hear all these people saying don't worry about it, you are going to be fine. Really? Are you God? How do you know?Because I have no idea myself!!!  Is it because I have the spunk of a 100 women all put into one?  Well, so did my mama and now she's been gone for almost 17 years.  

Life really sucks sometimes!!!  Life seems to be going along just fine and then Shit Happens that changes everything you ever knew. I am pissed off. I am sad, angry, bitter, and frustrated. I don't want to know what death feels like. I don't want to lay here in my bed and wither away from the world, while all the people I love and that love me watch me fade away like the ending of an old black and white movie, my life then lost forever, other than in the minds of the people that loved me. It breaks my heart, it takes me deep within my heart and soul and feels like a knife stuck inside me. The thing about it.... no matter what I am going through life goes one. Day after day I work and keep my faith and always in the back of my mind in the fear that I am dying. Who wouldn't fear that? If you were me and didn't.... you would be lying to everyone including yourself.  This is no picnic, and I am not even wanting to be where I am in life, the problem is... that it isn't my choice. I didn't chose terminal cancer. I hate it. I thought this only happened to other people and not me. Mistake!~ It happened and it sucks. 

I beg God every night to please not let me or my family suffer. We are suffering enough. I don't want them to see me leave this world other than how I am in this very moment. Why would anyone have to suffer through any disease?It makes no sense to me. As I write the tear drops are falling like a waterfall out of my eyes. I know I say don't cry for me ...pray for me. But, honestly tonight I deserve and want to cry for myself. 

I came home from work today, and I had a package. It was from a friend of my mothers. I opened the box excited, and when I pulled out the pretty bag, and reached inside to pull out the gift inside, I found the box from my blog photo. My mama and her friend use to spend hours and hours locked in here friends room with their own smut box, they would cut out words and phrases in a magazine and they would make letters to people. You could hear them from 4 blocks away, laughing their butts off about the letter each of them had created. I could hear in my mind my mama's laughter today. This box, means the world to me, and when I opened the box, it had a sweet card, and a bunch of words and phrases already cut out for me. It was the greatest gift, I love it. As happy as it made me, it also made me long for my mama's arms. As much as I want to see her again and feel the comfort of her loving arms around me again, I am just not ready to go to heaven to get that. I ask her every night to save my life too. I beg for my life, and I know that someone has to listen. That my prayers have to be answered. 

Tomorrow is a new day,another day I have to fight this disease. And I am hoping for a day with no fear and no tears, I try hard. It's hard though. The strength I have to keep going isn't the tears and fears I have when the sun goes down and I am in my bed alone thinking about everything that could be. 

Please continue to pray for me and my family, we are all struggling to wrap our minds around this and just make it day by day and finding all the reasons we have to be grateful and happy for! 

Blog 15... "My first round of treatments"

Big Decisions in my life...I made up my mind, I started alternative treatments at The Genesis Center, in Cumming, Georgia, on yesterday.  I met Dr. Sloan and his wife about 4 years ago, we connected and became facebook friends. We have been friends all these years, and I would see his post about alternative treatments, but at the time none of that related to my life, so honestly, I reviewed it all in passing. Never paying much attention. I did however relate alternative treatments to him, and simply forgot in my state of fear and confusion.

  It wasn't until I was out in Arizona, at a different alternative treatment center that  I realized that I could have simply just scheduled to see Dr. Sloan, here in Atlanta  instead of traveling so far away. Don't get me wrong I would have loved to live the full spring in Scottsdale, AZ. I would thoroughly enjoy the warm weather, however, I have a small child, all of my family and friends are here in Atlanta and I don't think I could have handled being out there all alone. I am grateful that I thought of Doctor Sloan and glad that I was able to get in and start my first treatment on yesterday. That shot of Vitamin D in the booty ...isn't feeling so hot today, but hey, no pain no gain, as the ole saying goes. 

I am realistic in my disease. The traditional medicine treatment could give me a couple of years, with the chemo so many other things go wrong with other area's and often times the cancer spreads to areas that it wasn't at before. I didn't and do not want that for myself. I am believing in what statistic's can't prove. Because believing what statistics have proven with my disease... I will be dead in 12 months with chemo. Every doctor has given me a different answer... therefore; I believe I have to go with what my body and mind feels is right and give it the best shot I got.  

I can't lie to you or myself ... and say that I know this going to work 100% .. I don't know that for sure. What I know is... that I want to be healthy .. I want to see the alternative medicine results in my blood and in my scans in the next 6 to 8 weeks and I want to know that what I am doing is working. There is no way to do that, unless I do it.  I feel good, I keep saying that but for a patient with STAGE 4 live cancer, I don't feel, like I should feel with this disease. I feel that I should be sick, I should have no energy, I should be on this total decline of health, and yet, I don't I feel bad, at all. I work everyday! I am a mother. A grandmother, sister, friend, and all the things that I have always been to everyone that needs me. 

 I am not without concern, but my faith and hope overrule what uncertainty can bring into my life. Not one time have I heard anyone say to me "Christy, I am sorry you are sick and dying." Where they have no hope...(because everyone does) what I do hear is "Christy, if anyone in the world can beat this... you can!" How can I go wrong with trying my hardest to beat it?

I have a lot of pressure right now, eating healthy is hard, working full time, Evan in school, playing softball, my grandson playing baseball, games and practices, and all the other things that go along with just living life. I try my best to be every thing to everyone and sometimes I want to scream... And believe me I do. Who wouldn't just break down sometimes?

I never asked for cancer. It's not welcome in my life and yet like a thief it has come into my life and is trying to take the very heart and soul of who I am ... It's terrifying. I hate it. I want to just go into my own skin and rip out all the cancer, and let it know who the boss is, but I can't do that either. I chose my picture for the blog because that is how I see cancer, a big scary monster, and there I am taking my photo and smiling with it...  So... what I am doing is having the strength to make tough decisions for myself and my family to be here to be the person I have always been. I am a survivor, I have been challenged all of my life, and sometimes .....I didn't have to fight as hard as I am now, but cancer will not kill me, I will not allow it! I will not give it the satisfaction of hurting me and the ones I love so much. I want to live. I want to be here to see my girls and grandson grow up into older adults themselves. I have not always been the perfect person, but who has???What I know is all I can do is try my best! To give this fight all that I have to rid my life of this horrid disease. Along this journey I have seen the inspiration I have given to others to eat better and take better care of themselves. That is amazing to me.  

I hear people telling me all the time how much they admire my courage. It's just you never know how courageous you can be until you are forced to have it.  I want everyone to know that in this life I have lived, I have had up's and down's but my greatest moments are the moments ....I share with my family. I can not ever begin to tell them how much they all mean to be. They are my heart and soul in my life....and  my happiness. The people that I count on the most to pick me up in the moments I fall. Like going through this. We are stronger and wiser together as a family. 

Cancer can be beaten. I believe that. I hope that I am one of the survivors on the other side of this giving hope and courage to others that are facing the same uncertainties that I am facing everyday. I have no idea what all the things I am doing to get rid of this disease are doing to my body, I just know that I am doing outside of the box things that over time have been proven to work with many other people. Most people sit back and are quiet about all of this, don't spread the word, don't spread the knowledge, is my opinion. I am ready for this fight. I have my boxing  gloves on and I am hitting hard at incredible speed. It's about the journey that I want people to understand and relate to, cancer is hard. I wake up and that is the first thing on my mind every single morning since I got diagnosed.  I wish that it wasn't but because it is... honestly, it makes me more determined to beat it. I could hide from it, I could run away and believe everything about death that I have been told I will face or I can reach deep within myself and believe that without a doubt I will not be another one of modern and traditional medicine statistics ever!  I've always marched to a beat of my own drum, and with cancer I will continue to do so. 

Don't cry for me ... Pray for me.... 

Blog #14... "My decisions for treatment"

WOW! I've been  overwhelmed with information and suggestions. One doctor say's one thing, and another say's something completely different. It's a journey that has been very hard on me emotionally. I have had my up's and down's. The day where I'm convinced that chemo is the answer to saving my life, to being completely being turned around, by the alternative medicine doctor. I wish this whole process was cut and dry. Where I go in get some treatment, with a 100% guarantee that I will be healed, unfortunately, I don't think anyone can tell me that. 

My options are limited here, I have chemo, and take poison into my body trying to shrink the cancer, while killing the bad cells, it's also killing my good cells, the ones I need to fight off the diseases my body my catch while in treatment. I told my oncologist at MD Anderson that when I got chemo I would stay away from other people, to try and avoid catching anything else others might have. You know what his response was "You don't have to do that, you can go out and do every thing normal" My thought is my immune system is being beat down with the chemo why in the world would it be okay for me to be around people and risk getting sicker? Am I off base on this thought?I don't think so! Besides the fact that there is no specific chemo that will treat my type of liver cancer. There is not much research on drugs for liver cancer, because only 2% of cancer in this country is actual liver cancer. Discouraging?, it is for me! I was going to do chemo, after leaving MD Anderson, I had my mind made up. I was going to go against all that I felt to be right and do the treatments to live a longer life, (I hoped) The doctor didn't say I would live a longer life with the chemo, he THOUGHT I could live a longer life. Thought and know are two different things. All I do is think about the information I have stored in my mind every single day. 

One thing that is helping me to make up my mind in treatment is that every doctor that has seem me, say's "Why are you here?" I laugh because they are in shock that I have stage 4 liver cancer, and look so healthy. I feel so healthy and besides the test results that have been done, I would not believe that I even have cancer. 

So, I  feel good, I want to stay that way, and therefore, I have decided that alternative treatment is my best option, at least at first. I am going to try and beat this disease with getting my body into the best possible health that I can. I am dedicated to eating extremely healthy, every time I think I want a something sweet, I think about the fight and the urge to cheat disappears. This hopefully won't be for the rest of my life, but for now it is what I must do to get myself well. I have had several people say you can eat what you want, I don't think so, I think eating that way got me into the position I am in now.I don't expect everyone to believe me on this or anything else. I just know what I feel is right for me, and in doing so I own this disease.... and it will not own me. 

I wish I didn't have to make any of these decisions. I wish the answers were laid out before me and I knew the way to go with this all.It's not that simple. It's not black and white in the sense that this is the miracle answer. I have to have hope and faith that the decisions I make are the right ones for me. I don't expect my brother or my sister to make these decisions for me, it's not their life ultimately, it's my own. I will not allow them to carry the burden of choosing my recovery, nor should they have too. I will live or I will die, but let me tell you this, I will go knowing in my heart and soul that I am making the choices for myself and what I feel will be best for me and my family. 

This journey is no fun. Sometimes, even with a huge group of people all around, I feel alone. That too is a choice to make that you  yourself control the cancer, and it's progress, than it controlling you....

People tell me all the time how much they admire my strength, Believe me it isn't easy, it's a road of self journey that is sometimes so hard to bare that you don't even know what to do next, I just pick myself up, close down the pity party and move on!  One day at a time. That's how I want to now live my life. I have always looked so far into the future and tried to predict what would be, now I just one to wake up each tomorrow and know that I AM going to  beat cancers ass.  

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me... As always! 

Blog #13.... Journey Forward.......

I HATE CANCER ....

Tomorrow, my brother and I head out to Phoenix Arizona!  We are going to a alternative treatment center, for a consultation, only.  I have asked several of the oncologist that I have met with about doing alternative treatment along with doing the chemo. They all have said "it won't hurt you" .. Which I plan to do both, I wish I didn't have to do the chemo.... I am deadly afraid of taking chemo into my body, and yet, I met with the doctor at MD Anderson and he says chemo is what is going to contain and manage my disease, and ultimately my life, so then what choice do I really have, but to take it?

This past month has been a nightmare!!! A time in my life that I wish that I could block out, and totally forget about for the rest of my life, and unfortunately that isn't possible. I see the pain that this disease has caused my family. The look of fear in their eyes, as we all try to get this upbeat attitude in front of one another and cry ourselves to sleep at night,  often. I have the best family in the world. We have never had the traditional life, and I think through the heartaches and struggles we have endured together has made our bond stronger than anyone could ever break. We get frustrated with each other, we may ignore a phone call or two here and there over the years, but you better bet your ass when it comes to needing one another we are there in a blink of an eye or quicker! 

Life hasn't been easy for us, we always  just our mom to love and nurture us. She had a hard time in life, and yet, she was all we had and did the best she could! . When she died on 8/20/1997, it was what I thought to be the hardest day of my life,.I never wanted to feel that kind of  pain I felt on that day, ever again. The years go by and I still miss and love her, but it doesn't hurt as much. Now, I wish she was here. I wish she was here to cuddle and comfort me.... that kind of love and comfort that only a mother can give you. I would do anything just to talk to her, just to know that she was by my side. It's hard. It's the toughest of times in my life, and I want to scream sometimes. I need to be held and I need to feel loved in my moments of total weakness. I have one friend in particular at my moments that I am so upset, he is the one person I can pick up the phone and call, he doesn't give me advice, doesn't scold me about crying, doesn't tell me to get off my pity party, what he does is he sits and listens. If he cries along with me, I am not sure, but it's in those moments all about me and what I need and I don't think I could make it some nights without his unexpected friendship. To be a unselfish friend is amazing. I needed this person to come just to listen to me and he came at the perfect time in my life! 

Everyone else tries to tell me what I need to do, when I need to do it.  I feel like a lab rat sometimes, but being this little lab rat may be the one thing that saves my life. My brother is doing all that he can to make this disease go away, I fear that he will always worry and then my biggest fear if I don't make it through all of this he will always wonder what he could have done differently. There is nothing, he is doing everything .. He reads day and night, he looks at every single thing he finds to make this all go away. I just don't want him to ever question himself because he has done for me what no other person would go to these extremes to do to save my life, and he has done the most amazing job. He has forced me to do things and go places I have been reluctant to go, but I have done it because he has only my VERY Best interest at heart. How many people can say they are loved that much? I am loved. I know in my heart and soul how much  I am loved and without that I would not make it through any of these days of uncertainty with a smile on my face,as much as I do now. . I am lucky! 

 Everyone needs someone that they can go to, that they can confide in, that they have no expectations! Every one needs good friends, and I have many of them, it's just every one is so busy, every one has their own things going on, their own struggles, and I hate bothering people. Sometimes, I just feel like a broken record, and I hate it. I wish Cancer never had to come from my mouth, but then I would have no story to tell, no victory to proclaim, no lessons to be learned. 

The lessons I am learning on this journey are tough, really tough. I wish I would have taken better care of my body! Wish I never smoked! Wish I had always eaten healthier,!  We can live on what we wish we had done we have to move forward with what we NEED to do now,. and for me. I am taking better care of myself and I can only move forward and hope for the best and have faith that I am going to live a long life and come to the other side of this manageable cancer, and make some difference in the lives that I touch along the way. I was at Sunday School (in a new class of 25 people I only new the teacher, my friend Robin Payne) she knows what is going on with me, and asked if I had any prayer request. I sat there, and I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to ask a room full of people to pray for me, I wanted then to pray for another woman, I have never met, I have only met her amazing mother and father on the wait to get on the flight to come home to Atlanta, and through our age differences, we had more in common than I do with most people I have known all of my life, I felt such a connection to this couple, not only for the fear of their daughter having cancer, but for the fear they had within themselves and what this disease does to a family. I wanted my Sunday School class to pray for them instead of myself, I have a ton of people all over the country praying for me, I wanted my prayers shared with them!  I cried as I asked, and told my story but I also told of how I wanted to help others facing all these fears I myself are facing. God has a way of making me stronger to give my strength to others around me, I believe that and I will never miss an opportunity to reach out and help in making something a little better or brighter in someone else's life, because I will never be anyone other than, me, Christy Hicks, a giver, fighter, and believer that I can beat this and be the person I wish I had always been all along.  

Blog #12 "Chemo"

Another day gone by...... and finally.... within one  month to the day  of this disease entering my life, I have answers. I have a plan of attack, and yet, I sit here thinking of how taking chemo is going to change all the things in my life, most importantly spring break for my little daughter  within the next couple of weeks. I have to plan my life around my chemo treatments, and I have so many questions and yet, no one can tell me really how my body with react to the treatment until I get the treatment and figure it out on my own.

 It's scary. I don't want to sit in a room full of other people that are sick, and yet I know me, I will find comfort in sharing our stories in fighting this disease as these chemical go into our  bodies  and tries it's best to fight this monster inside of us all . 

Sometimes, I want to scream, I want to be mad at someone, I want to know that through all this I will endure ...that I come out on the other side of cancer being okay and well. The unknown is the hardest part.

I could dwell on my feelings, because honestly I have that right, I have earned that right as a cancer patient. But, as a strong and determined woman, I can not allow this to be who I am. I will not give this horrid disease all of me there is to be in this world, just because it's there and I have to get treatment to rid it of my body. 

The cruelty of this disease and the things you must endure to rid it.... isn't fun. No one wants to be sick, no one wants cancer, and it is always a fear that each and every one of us has in our lives, and here I am a cancer patient about to face the unknown treatment and I hate it. 

I want this nightmare to end. I want to be well. I want to know that without a shadow of a doubt these chemicals they are going to be putting  into my body will work! There is no guarantee, so I have to have faith and believe in the healing I need to survive my life that I have so much left to do and live for. My life means something, not only to me but to many people that love me. As all patients we are special and we want to feel and be treated that way. 

There are so many things that I want to do, and I want to accomplish. I just know that cancer, is my set back, it's just a bump in the road to how fast and furious I can get to where I am going. 

Being strong is hard sometimes. I had to be strong to get the answers I needed, now I have them and know which direction I am heading in and it scares me. It should scare me. I can not imagine one person that has faced cancer and chemo treatments not being a little scared. 

The first day of treatment is two weeks from today. I will get treatment for 2 hours on Friday's for 2 weeks in a row and then I am off for a week. Then I repeat that 2 more times and back to Houston for another scan to see how the chemo is working with shrinking my cancer. 

Most people would not appreciate the word "Manage" when it comes to their cancer, because as cancer patients I would think the best and only news we want to hear is "curable" I know that curable isn't an option in my case, so manageable is good enough for me. I want to live!~  

The best news through this journey is that my cancer is contained to my liver, it is not in my bones as the pet scan had indicated and the doctor, assured me it was bone cancer from Atlanta. (Second and Third opinions should be mandatory in every cancer patients journey, for this reason alone.)  Before, I was told that I would not be a candidate for a transplant because the cancer was not contained in my liver, now this information changes the whole ball game for me, I will now be a candidate if need be. The doctor told me yesterday with it not being in my bones that I have 100% better prognosis. I wanted to cry and yet all I could really do was sit there with a smile on my face and a huge burden taken off my shoulders.  I feel good, I am scared and I wanted that to be known. I am not some super hero woman that I can handle any and everything without fear and concern. I am a mother, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, I am someone that wants to make it through this journey and when I reach the other side I will find the pot of gold under the rainbow  I plan to always be following in this scary journey of managing my disease. All we have is our hope and faith to keep us going, and I will not falter from believing that I will make it through this not only stronger, but a much better person in the end. 

This journey has taught me so much. Made me think about things I had never thought about before and as scared as I am .... I am more determined than ever to kick cancers ass, and making a statement of hope, faith, and courage along this journey I travel.  I hope that I can help other people. I know some people wonder why I would want to help other people because honestly no one in the world deserves to have cancer and no one in the world deserves to feel shame, sorrow, or even loneliness from this or any other disease. The world isn't always a nice place. There are some really mean people in this world, and as much as that makes me sad, it enlightens me to even be a better person!