I don't feel sick. Yet, I am apparently very sick with cancer. It scares me. It makes me want to cry. I want someone to tell me what's going to happen to me. I want someone to explain to me how I can be so sick, and I not feel the least bit sick at all? Why have I been to 5 different medical doctors and each one of them has given me not only a different source of my cancer, but all different chances of my life over the next 6 weeks to 12 months????? Am I dying each day? And I want someone to explain to me how dying feels so I will know when I am starting to die? I want the answers ....and yet all I can do is try my best to fight for my life. I want to know... God, I want to know!
Is this going to be coming to the end of my life? Shouldn't I have some signs that I am not going to make it, other than a few radiation based test that shows something a little different with each test that is administered?
I don't want to die. I don't want this to be the end of Christy Hicks, the person that wants all these things that I have yet to accomplish in my life. The person that is determined to live a long life, and yet I am afraid I might not wake up tomorrow. It's a horrible feeling. I think of these things. I fear the unknown and I honestly get mad to hear all these people saying don't worry about it, you are going to be fine. Really? Are you God? How do you know?Because I have no idea myself!!! Is it because I have the spunk of a 100 women all put into one? Well, so did my mama and now she's been gone for almost 17 years.
Life really sucks sometimes!!! Life seems to be going along just fine and then Shit Happens that changes everything you ever knew. I am pissed off. I am sad, angry, bitter, and frustrated. I don't want to know what death feels like. I don't want to lay here in my bed and wither away from the world, while all the people I love and that love me watch me fade away like the ending of an old black and white movie, my life then lost forever, other than in the minds of the people that loved me. It breaks my heart, it takes me deep within my heart and soul and feels like a knife stuck inside me. The thing about it.... no matter what I am going through life goes one. Day after day I work and keep my faith and always in the back of my mind in the fear that I am dying. Who wouldn't fear that? If you were me and didn't.... you would be lying to everyone including yourself. This is no picnic, and I am not even wanting to be where I am in life, the problem is... that it isn't my choice. I didn't chose terminal cancer. I hate it. I thought this only happened to other people and not me. Mistake!~ It happened and it sucks.
I beg God every night to please not let me or my family suffer. We are suffering enough. I don't want them to see me leave this world other than how I am in this very moment. Why would anyone have to suffer through any disease?It makes no sense to me. As I write the tear drops are falling like a waterfall out of my eyes. I know I say don't cry for me ...pray for me. But, honestly tonight I deserve and want to cry for myself.
I came home from work today, and I had a package. It was from a friend of my mothers. I opened the box excited, and when I pulled out the pretty bag, and reached inside to pull out the gift inside, I found the box from my blog photo. My mama and her friend use to spend hours and hours locked in here friends room with their own smut box, they would cut out words and phrases in a magazine and they would make letters to people. You could hear them from 4 blocks away, laughing their butts off about the letter each of them had created. I could hear in my mind my mama's laughter today. This box, means the world to me, and when I opened the box, it had a sweet card, and a bunch of words and phrases already cut out for me. It was the greatest gift, I love it. As happy as it made me, it also made me long for my mama's arms. As much as I want to see her again and feel the comfort of her loving arms around me again, I am just not ready to go to heaven to get that. I ask her every night to save my life too. I beg for my life, and I know that someone has to listen. That my prayers have to be answered.
Tomorrow is a new day,another day I have to fight this disease. And I am hoping for a day with no fear and no tears, I try hard. It's hard though. The strength I have to keep going isn't the tears and fears I have when the sun goes down and I am in my bed alone thinking about everything that could be.
Please continue to pray for me and my family, we are all struggling to wrap our minds around this and just make it day by day and finding all the reasons we have to be grateful and happy for!
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