Blog # 38.....The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Days of Cancer...

I have to  say.... this journey get's harder and harder as it goes along. The chemo treatment set me back, pretty much all of this  week. It wasn't so much about being  tired as much as I was hurting in my right shoulder and liver, again!  There were three days this week that I could barely lift my head up to get up and use the restroom. I would have to have someone pull my arm to get me out of bed. I would eat whatever it was I could and I would even do that laying there in the bed, getting crumbs every where, I had no choice, I could not sit up. That is a horrible feeling, one that I never dreamed in a million lifetimes that I would have to deal with. In those moments I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream out to God and ask "Why me? Why must I suffer so much?" I felt bad for feeling that way, and yet, I could not help myself. I get on this pity party when the pain hits me, I fear that I may never feel better again, that I may never be the Christy Hicks with a spunky attitude and high energy anymore!!! It makes me break down to the depth of my soul and fear the future. And then like magic, I start feeling better and I am able to get up and be in the real world again and I am happier than I could have ever been before. 

This disease is tough. It takes every insecurity in my mind and soul and breaks me into a million pieces. People are always asking what they can do for me, there is nothing, I have to get through the pain, I have to lay there on my left side and not move a muscle in fear of hurting and just take the pain pills every 4 hours  until the pain goes away. This week I called my doctor, I was seriously ready to just give up, it hurt so bad, I see the pain this causes  my little 6 year old daughter and the fear of her mama being stuck in the bed and how it  makes her feel. I missed my niece and nephew's birthday party, ion Monday  and cried most of the day wishing I was there. I was hurting so bad there was no way I could have been there but when Evan got home from the party she cried and said she wanted me to feel better because I can't do anything with her anymore. It hurts so bad to hear her say that, and I just continually tell her that I am working on getting better and that mama is going to have good and bad days and hopefully she can remotely understand. I am not good at this, I don't have all the answers but I am suppose to keep the faith and believe that I will come out the other side of this and be a better person, for all the pain and suffering I am enduring. It makes no sense to me. And I do it all because I want to live. I want to be better. Because I am strong even in my weakest moments, I find the strength to endure it all/  

I would do anything to be healthy and  to not have to face the fear of death every day of my life. I want to hear that "I am cancer free", and would even be happy with "we have it under control and we can manage this disease." I want to live and yet every day I am fearful I may no wake up. 

The world doesn't stop because someone is sick. hospitals, and doctors want to get paid. I have been sent to collections, I have people calling me about bills that were first considered pre existing condition and denied. I have to deal with procedures being denied with me owning a balance due of $90,000.00 .... I lay in bed sometimes and think what the hell is someone sick suppose to do. I pay for insurance and yet, my insurance wont pay for every thing. What can I do? Anyone got a money tree I can go pick from because I just don't know what else I am suppose to do. The frustration of some smart ass calling and saying "how are you going to take care of this bill today ?" I am not, most times I get so mad and I just hang up the phone. I am being harassed and being tormented with a disease that I have no control over. An average person could not handle this. I want to run away. I want to pretend I am not sick. I want to go to bed one night and sleep on my right side as I always have and feel comfortable. Damn it! I want to be me again. and I don't know that I can ever be the person I once was. 

There are days that I don't want to talk to anyone, it's not that I don't want to,  it's just I don't feel good enough to talk. Nothing taste the same. Nothing feels the same. I feel myself getting angry over petty stuff that doesn't matter just to release some stress and anxiety at times, because if I don't I feel as if I may fall completely apart. I wish my mama were here to lay in my bed with me day and night and hold me tight. I need her, and makes me so mad that she is gone. I want her so bad to be right here with me. I want to feel her comfort. I want to be held so tight. I want her and yet I must face the fact that I can't have her with me. It makes me mad as hell.  I don't dream anymore. I guess it's because I never fall into a deep sleep with the pain, and just not being able to sleep good. I hate complaining and yet I have so much I feel I have the right to complain about. 

I am finally feeling better and able to write my blog and sit at my desk and feel semi normal again, and I have chemo again today. I hate it. I wish I didn't have to go. I wish there were other choices for me to try and save my life, there just are not any more choices. I have searched the world over. I never wanted chemo I swear I would never do a day of it, if I thought there was another way to save my life and to get me through this horrible nightmare I live every single day! 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs I want to hate everything in my path some days I want to be mad and it be okay. I want to give up on the days I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am forced to be strong and get through all this pain and suffering. It sucks. 

I was thinking the other day about that movie "Terms of Endearment" When the mom called the daughter and she was  so sick and the mom was going on and on about so and so and gossiping and how the daughter broke down and said she didn't want to hear it she didn't feel good.  I understand that moment in the movie  so clearly now. It's heartbreaking when you can put yourself in that scene in the movie and know how the character felt. I surely do. I keep to myself a lot these days, I lay in my bed with the entertainment of a television that makes no sense when you are laying there with morphine pills that makes everything just a distant thought. I don't even enjoy reading anymore, or my favorite shows I have always loved to watch. They bring me no peace in my life now. 

Okay, I am still alive but today I wanted to share the hurt and painful moments and things of a cancer patient. To see the inner part of a disease that most people are so willing to tuck away from the world so that don't seem weak. Everyone wants to be brave and a warrior. I am ... I just happen to be a very honest warrior ... I am fighting this battle the best I can. I have good days and bad days I have all my strength and then I have none. I am just a woman that wants to live... a woman that will fight this battle and pray every day that the next is a better day than the day before was. Thank you all so much for following me. For reading my blogs for seeing this disease for the ugly truth it brings into someone's life. This isn't easy but writing gives me a sense  comfort and peace I would not have without sharing with all of you.

There are a few bright spots and that's the love of my family and friends. I don't share all the heartaches with them because I would never want them to hurt as much as I hurt myself. I keep a lot of my feelings bottled up and today I shared them on my blog, and it feels good.  I will go to chemo today with a good attitude and the determination to beat this disease and do the best I can to 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me....