BLOG #39 Cry when I want to, laugh when I can.....

I am finding it really hard to find the time to write my blog these days. I have had some serious set backs of pain and a  cough that have put me down for a few days at a time. So, the days I am feeling good, I am at work and trying to continue to make a living to support my daughter and myself. I get depressed on the days that I am not able to get up and come to work, I love working, I am a very energetic, overachieving person! I have been a workaholic my entire life and to have this disease that interferes with that, makes me sad at times. I listen to my body, and I do what I need to do to truly get me through another day, and if that means, taking pain pills and laying in bed, then that is what I have to do on those days. I take the way I am feeling, day by day, I don't make plans with anyone for the future because I have no idea how I will be feeling on those days, and the last thing I want to do is make plans and have to break them. The biggest part would be getting my hopes up in doing something and then not feeling good enough to go and do it! That  would really upset me, so I avoid plans at all cost. 

I did 2 Friday's of chemo and I was off last Friday. I would like to say it felt great not doing the treatments but I was very sick with a cough that caused more liver pain, in turn caused me to be stuck back in the bed for a few days. I cried but what am I going to do about it? I have to live with this disease, no matter what it throws at me and do it with the grace and dignity I have in my heart to get me through it. 

Lately, I have been wishing for a crystal ball, so I can look inside and see where my future is going to lead me. Unfortunately, there isn't one and therefore; I am forced to live each day one by one. It's tough. Most people don't live day by day. I see posting things on FB like, "Can't wait... 2 weeks from today, I will be at the beach" as they are counting down the days. Believe me I get it, I just am sitting here hoping to feel good and make it another day to be with my little girl. 

This disease has taken over my life, doctor appointment's, treatment's, medicine, pain, and heartbreak. I have people that tell me to find the peace in things. I can't find peace, I will never find peace in dying and leaving  my little girl. I will not leave this earth in peace, and I am hoping that I can find the peace that the bible describes in heaven... but I just don't know. I have so many things left undone! So many things left I want to do!  So much more time I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up, there is no peace for me in leaving this earth and leaving them behind. I have no idea how much time I have left to live. I have no idea when one day I will wake up and no longer be the person I am today and be unable to take care of myself, I don't want that. I don't want to be left here for someone else in my family to take care of me. I want to just go in my sleep and not wake up , where my family will not suffer and have to watch me wither away, I beg God every night not to leave me that position, because no one deserves to have to take care of someone dying that they love so much, it's one of the hurtful things I know in my heart and I pray to God I don't have to have  them do that for me. I have been saving my donations just for that cause in case I get where I can not take care of myself that I will have money for my family to have a nurse come and stay with me, and take care of me.  I have not told anyone what I am saving my money for, but it's now out in the open. It's important for me.  For 45 years I have a been a very strong, independent, self sufficient woman, and to have to be taken care of is heartbreaking for me. I want to take care of myself, I have always been the one taking care of everyone else and now I am sick. It's unfair and pisses me off. I'm 45 and should be looking at at least 30 more years of life instead of worrying if I will even be here tomorrow. 

Monday...  is a big day. I have the follow up Pet Scan to see how well the Y90 worked on my liver and to make sure the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else in my body. I am more frightened than I have ever been in my entire life. I am ready to know the results and then on the other hand I am afraid what the results could be. I am hopeful. I am praying harder than ever before that the scan shows tremendous results! The few people I knew that had cancer I was always excited the day they got their pet scan's... That's the outsider version, the insider version isn't no where near that excited. I just don't know what these treatments of radiation and chemo have done to my body, and I fear the words that I don't want to hear. I fear it's spread, because it can, but honestly that is why my doctor had me do the radiation and the chemo together so that it would not have a chance to spread. I am just the patient, I am so unfamiliar with the world of cancer, what works, what doesn't, and where this road will leave me. I am blindly putting my faith into a doctor that I feel I can trust and that will do every thing he can to save my life. I want him to save my life, and I know even if he doesn't ...I have chosen the best doctor to lead this journey and do what he can to make certain that he did his best. When someone does their best, that is all you can really ever ask of them. 

I have lived a great life. I have two beautiful daughters, a handsome grandson, a brother and sister everyone should be so lucky to have, 3 nieces, 1 nephew, and a great brother in law. I have been to the top of the world financially, and I have learned some valuable lesson's along the journey back to broke once again. I have picked myself up, dusted myself off, and rebuilt an amazing insurance career, that has exceeded my expectations and I feel that I have always been a friend to a friend in need. I have laughed a lot, I have had very minimal sorrow in my life, (when my mama and dog died) I have always been one of those people that has faced the world and never been afraid to jump head first and see where the journey would lead me. I have loved and been loved and I have been let down and I have have let others down.  I have a sharp mind, and good sense of humor. I have cried, laughed, and rejoiced in the pleasures of life. I have been strong my whole life, because I never had any other choice. I have dreams and desires. I have lived a great life and I have been fortunate enough to have the desire to share my journey in my words. I have written and published a single mom book. I have written an inspiration book, a romance novel, and a erotic novel. I have so many aspirations in life and still as I face this illness I am always thinking about what dream I want to make come true next. I live every day as strong as I can. Cry when I want and laugh when I can. I have so much to live for and so much more to be grateful for. I am just one person, a one woman crusade that has the strong desire to live and see my daughter grow up, graduate college, get married, and give me grandchildren. I want what we all want, and it may be that I don't get to see the future. But, what I will not do is worry about not seeing the future so much that I don't enjoy and notice the present.  I live each day the best I can, some days are much tougher than others, and I lay there reminding myself on those days, this too shall pass. 

Thank you all for reading and knowing the heart and soul of someone that wants more than anything else in the world right now, to beat this, to live a long life and to show the world that being a warrior isn't being part of any army ... It's a one woman mission to live another day!