This past Sunday I woke up to the most miserable pain in my right shoulder than I have ever felt. A pain that I could not even describe where it started and stopped, it just felt like it was engulfing my shoulder and back with stabbing pain. My first thought was, the port has gotten infected. Since the doctor inserted the port the day of the Y-90 treatment it has not felt great. It is a rectangle box looking thing that sticks out under the skin and a tube that goes up to my neck. It's not the most pleasant thing, and besides it's a foreign thing inside my body. I got my neighbor to drive me to the hospital. I was not and will not take any chances with my body. I have to listen to what it's telling me, and if there is pain, I want to know the source and should be proactive with making sure every thing is working the way it's suppose to. When I got the ER the doctor said, he did not think it was the port, it looked good to him but at my request they would do a chest x-ray and a ultrasound, just to be sure. There could be numerous things wrong, the port could have been infected, I could have had a blood clot, or the port had shifted and hit a nerve.
I wanted answers and I was not leaving the hospital until I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this port was not my complication. After the test, the doctor said the port looks perfect, the position is perfect and there appears to be no blood clots. He said that it may have shifted some and may be on a nerve and prescribed me some more pain medicine and sent me home. I went home and rested the rest of the day, and when I woke Monday morning the pain so so intense I was screaming in pain and crying. Luckily, my doctor that performed the surgery called and said that the right shoulder pain is from the radiation getting into and killing the cancer cells and they are hitting a nerve that is generating from my liver up to my shoulder. I knew he was telling me the truth because on my first liver biopsy, he hit a nerve that day that caused a lot of right shoulder pain that went away within an hour. My doctor was so happy I was in such pain, and advised me to call the oncologist and have him prescribe me morphine for the pain. After taking the morphine, I felt like a vegetable, I took it every 4 hours like clock work, until the next morning, when I took it, it made me feel so out of control and so bad that I was determined that I could deal with pain more than I could deal with the way that morphine made me feel. It was crazy. I stopped taking it several days ago and I have to be honest I never want to take that stuff again. I am alive and I want to feel alive and taking that took something mentally away from me that I just can not deal with!
I wish I never was faced with this disease. The ER doctor said "You don't fit the profile for liver cancer, You look so good I would have never know you were as sick as you are" I have to say this is what makes this disease so hard for me. It's almost as if I don't believe I am sick when I look at myself in the mirror, but the further along I go into the process of recovery I feel the effects I had not felt before of the disease. Maybe it's not even the disease it's the side effects of this disease that effects me.
Cancer really sucks. Being told you have a certain life expectancy is hard. I had to change oncologist when I decided to do the Y-90 treatment because my traditional, old fashioned doctor said he didn't believe in it. His only solution for me was chemo and I had been told several times that would not save my life. I am not in this battle to live until tomorrow or next week. I am the warrior doing everything I can so that in 15 -30 years I am still here and living a good life. I only have hope and my faith and for anyone to challenge either of those things isn't good. I am going to win or lose this battle on my terms, the things I believe in, the things that give me HOPE and if someone isn't on board with that, than they are on the wrong healing ship!
I am not in denial of this disease, what I am is a woman fighting for every right that she has to save her life. To leave no stone unturned in trying to find the right way to heal me and cure this disease from my body. I have no idea if I will ever be cured but what I believe is that I can maintain my life, I can be one of these people living for many years fighting off the progression of this disease. I am doing everything I need to do, and that is what makes this battle so hard. I have no idea how long I will live, I just know that through my faith, dedication, and constant encouragement and prayers from others I can stand to fight another day.
I cry a lot, when I was first diagnosed I had no idea what this disease would mean in mine and my families life. It's heartbreaking, but together we face each day and new challenge that comes about and pray that I overcome something that is trying it's best to kill me.
The longer I go through this recovery the more people I am hearing about getting this disease. It breaks my heart.It is a disease that everyone else gets, not you, that's how I felt. But you know what, I have cancer, and I have to take the bull by the horns and try every bit of ammunition I have to beat this monster. I know that everyone tells me if anyone can beat this disease, it's me. That I am the strongest person they know ...Sometimes I wonder if I am really strong at all.I know I am because I get up each day and I face this with all that I have inside of me. I don't falter from the plan, even though sometimes I have every excuse and reason to do so. What makes me a warrior is my ability to not let this defeat me. To not give in the the disease I have been told I have and realizing that every day I wake up is a new chance to beat this. I know a lot of people in my inner circle worry about me all the time, they pray for me. and they encourage me even when they are afraid of the outcome of this horrible disease. Nothing is set in stone ... No one knows what will and will not happen with me. I just know that I want to live one day at a time. I want to embrace the good days that will give me encouragement and hope through the rocky ones ahead. They say You have to get worse before you can get better. I thought that saying was so stupid, that is until it happened to me.
I am still working as much as my body will allow me too. I go in and if I am feeling bad I leave, go home. rest, and try it again the next day.My work does not define me as a person but unlike so many people in the world, I love working, it gives me a sense of accomplishment and these days anything I can do to make myself inspired and feeling better is what I want to be doing. This journey is going to be a long one. One with lots of unanswered questions and lots of times that I may questions myself and my doctors. But I must say I am putting my faith for once in this journey to two doctors that are on the same page with my treatments and the desire that one of these doctors has in his heart to heal me. I could not ask for anything better than that from a doctor. He has been by my side this entire journey, whether or not I used his treatment or not, he was there and for a doctor to care and to go above and beyond for me all that he has is simply unheard of these days. I am not patient number blah blah, I am me, Christy Hicks a mother and woman fighting for her life that he takes interest in making my life better and longer.To be honest, I can not say that about any other doctor I met anywhere else along this journey. I know some people have faith in their doctors even when it seems that the doctors don't have much faith in their patient. I truly feel that with the right team anything is possible. This disease is not the patient only fighting it is friends, family, doctors, and strangers alike joinging together to help in making things better and brighter.
I have said numerous times how disappointed I am in some people. Let me say this my disappointment in other people no longer matters to me. what matters to me are the people standing here in these moments of uncertainty in my life with their kind words and prayers that are what matters. Someone not being a friend to me is fine because they lost one of the best friend they could have had if they were ever in my shoes. We all learn our own lessons, and some people learn them the really hard way, but we all face our decisions in life at one time or another.
Cancer is no joke.It's there all the time lurking and moving about it's a matter of finding the right treatments to contain it to certain parts of your body and to keep it from spreading every where it wasn't before the treatments! I have thought long and hard about this but if I knew today were my last day on this earth and I had something I could say to the people I love, it would go as follows"
Greg (my brother) you have been the rock that has held us all together! I could not have asked for any one else that would have supported me, encouraged me, believed in me. and loved me more than you have. I am so grateful and I want every day of your life filled with happiness. That you let me go, move on with life, and know that I will be that angel on your shoulder doing all that I can for you.
Lori (my sister) you have been my best friend all of my life. You have always shown me the errors of my ways and did it with a kind loving heart. I will miss you every single day but I know that I will see you again. Please allow yourself to find happiness take care of those babies I love so much and know that you are and will forever be my best friend.
Sam (my daughter) the person that made me grow up and be accountable for all my decisions. My true love always since the day you were born. The love of my life. I have always been so proud of you and know that I am always going to be with you. I love you more than words can ever say you are my heart and soul.
Evan(my little daughter) the bright spot in my life when everything else was falling apart. You gave me love, hope, courage, and the strength I needed in a time I felt I had none. I loved you the second you were born and I love you more every single day. You are what has completed my life. I want you to grow up be happy and do something amazing with your life. Be a writer build on what mama started from and know that my love for you is as deep as the earth and everything all around it.
Landon (my grandson) you are the most handsome boy in the world. I love you so much. I was so excited the day you were born, I know you will do something amazing with baseball you go make Grandma Christy proud and know that I will have a front row seat in heaven watching you play all the rest of your life. I love you
Georgia (my niece) you are the sweetest. Your kind heart and love for me is felt every single time I am around you. I love you so much and I remember the day you were born it was one of the happiest of my entire life.
Jimbo (my nephew) you lady killer. Don't you let the girls distract you from doing amazing things in life, they will try. You are so handsome and every day I wanted to come over and hold you and never put you down. You and your sister mean the world to me and I hope that you will always remember how much I truly do love you....
Ansleigh (my niece) I can't believe how you have grown before my vary eyes, you are beautiful and your softball abilities are amazing. You will go far in life and the sky is the limit for you. Please know I am always cheering you on and I will forever be your biggest fan.
Devin (my niece) the shy little girl has grown up to be an amazing woman. You will do great things Devin. I hope that whatever path of medicine you take that you will fight for a cure for cancer. You will be an amazing doctor one day and I hope that you reach every star in the sky because you are simply amazing.
Tonya (my friend) You have been one of the most amazing friends I have ever had. You are always cheering me on and picking me up when I fall. Our friendship was meant to be and it has been one I cherish most in the world. I love you...
Ashley (my friend) what can I say, you make me laugh. You are a great friend, the best cook, and a great mama. Having you as a friend has made me one of the luckiest people in the world.I don't want to leave you because I love your exciting stories and I want to be your friend with you always and forever! No matter what... I will be I promise you that!
Kristy (my friend) you have been amazing for me and Evan through this illness. Your kindness and friendship means the world to me and I can not thank you enough for always dropping everything to be there in my time of need.
Nanny (my sweet friend) I love you more than words can say. You have been the see all know all person in my life and you still like me through it all. You make me laugh and you give me hope throughout my life. I wouldn't have made it in life as far as I have without your love and comfort. You are one of the people in this world that means the most to me.
Mimi (my friend) you have been amazing. Every single step of this journey you have been there. You have given so much to me that I could never repay you for it all. I love you.
Jerri (my friend) you have been a great friend. Throughout the years of working together and then just being a great friend. You have been so kind and I love you so very much!
Kelley (my friend) my early morning phone calls to listen to me bitch and complain and then to make me see how funny it all really was. You are awesome. You are a great friend and I will forever be thankful for facebook bringing us back and closer than ever before. I love you...
To all my Covington Girls (Tammy, Tiffany,Crystal,Sherry, DeAnn, Debbie, Robin Allison) you girls are the best. I know without me life will go on but I hope as you all get together and go on our girls nights out, that in some form or another you will take me with you.. I love you girls so much and you will always and forever be some of the best friends any girl could ever ask for ....
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