Blog #93 1 year of treatments and chemo

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It's amazing how fast a year really does go by. 1 year ago this coming Friday,  May 22nd, I've been on my chemo treatments, procedures, and medicines to get me to a better place. A road that I began with no end in sight. No way of knowing where that road would ultimate lead me or how  long I would have to travel down it,to get me to where I was suppose to be. A road that was unpaved and untraveled like any road I had ever known. It's almost like I went in with this person telling me the direction to go but  never promising to get me to the end. It's  like I was traveling on the road and would have to stop and rest and get gas.. In those times I was recovering and all of the sudden out of no where the engine would start back up before I was even really ready to hit the gas again! I would hit the pedal and I would take off hard & fast without even knowing where this road was heading next... other than... I knew no matter what I had to keep traveling, hitting that gas, and keep looking towards the end no matter where it would lead me. I had to make this work. 

It wasn't always easy. I remember all the nights I would cry. I would beg my brother to not make me do another procedure again week after week with  no real time to feel good enough to do it and I seemed to find myself pushing through some of the toughest days of my life not because I wanted to but because I had to... I wanted to live and I made a commitment to myself and Dr Chamsuddin  and I had no choice but to fight. Fight harder than I ever had before for anything. 

Looking back now 1 year later.. I have made all the  the right choices. I made the decision  I could do it and I put everything I had inside of me to make it through those tough days. I'm still on the road and I'm still going strong. I'm still fighting. I'm still believing that I can see this disease through to the very end. I've seen and felt ways in my life that I never dreamed I would go through. I've rejoiced at the outcome of my procedures and I've cried when things haven't been the way I wanted them to be. I've been happy and sad. I've had really good days and days that I was so sick I had no idea if I would be able to ever get out of bed again...I've been a roller coaster with my body, mind, and emotions. I've had to trust in the doctors that I have chosen to treat me, especially Dr Chamsuddin I couldn't trust him anymore than I do.  I have all my faith in him. Faith that he makes the right choices for my treatments. Choices in when and what needs to be done. I have gone into every thing  he's done for me knowing as a patient and as a person he's always had my best interest at heart. My brother Greg and I were having a heart to heart talk one night, the kind of talks that we rarely have, it's that kind of talk that takes your emotions and shakes them to the core of being so emotional on so many levels. I was saying something about Dr Chamsuddin liking me (as a person) and how it made it so much easier to get through all of this. He said " Christy, it's so much more than him liking you, he loves you like so many other people do" I am one of those people that I grow on you. I'm bullheaded and determined but also resourceful and understanding I don't even pretend to have all the answers through this disease. I leave that to the professionals. I ultimately have the say so in my health ..as all patients do but I am a believer in the treatments I'm doing and that makes all the difference. I haven't had any decisions to make other than when I initially had my first Y90 and agreed to starting down that road to my recovery ...best ...decision I ever made. The best decision I could have ever even been offered to me. 

It was my only HOPE. Hope was all I was given and thank GOD I took that hope and ran with it. I get teary eyed sometimes when I sit down and think about where I was and how far I have come. It's not been easy by any stretch but it's been worth every ounce of fear, pain, discomfort to be here today and alive. I am defying the odds. I am one of the lucky ones   I respond well to the treatments and I'm able to tolerate the chemo for the most part.  I have my days that after my chemo treatments I am dead tired and hurt all over. After a year you would think I would be use to it and in some ways I am and others it's hard to accept it! I do the best I can. And that's all I can't expect of and for myself. 

I had chemo today and my two friends I always sat with for months and months now  are no longer there ...they have both gone into remission and I was a bit sad to go without them today. I sat next to a very sweet lady and we had a great conversation. She usually goes on Monday's and with it being Wednesday and just going in to follow up on something she had done on Monday  not having treatment ..she wasn't prepared for having to do the chemo today...so when my sister showed up with a pizza from Mellow Mushroom we had us a little pizza party and it made the day better. I can walk into a crowded or nearly empty room and leave there with at least one new friend. That's me ...it's just who I am. I love hearing about other people's lives. You can learn a lot out of life by listening and not talking! That's the truth.  

I've learned a lot about myself over these last almost 16 months. I've learned to take life one day at a time. I've learned to be stronger than I that I could and that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to take what others think about me and make it my own. I have learned to understand that not everyone will like me and not everyone is nice and caring. I've seen some people run so fast out of my life for their own insecurity reasons and I've seen some of the most amazing people running to me with open arms. Life gets tough and sometimes people can handle it and sometimes they can't. It's a personal decision to put your   own self aside to be there for someone else. It's not easy to watch some one suffering and fighting for their lives! This disease has touched my life in ways only the fear of dying could ever touch! I have had to have those sit down moments that decisions had to be made just in case. The reality of what this disease really brings to your life isn't something I could even begin to describe! It's that knife through the heart moments in those conversations that had to be had and those choices that have had to be made just in case. For me I've taken care of myself pretty much all my life. I've been a very strong and determined single woman. I have worked for every single thing I have and I have taken great pride in that. I won't let the end of my life be without me having the final say so in my arrangements, decisions for my little girl, those are some of the  hardest parts.... I found about being sick but I honestly didn't want to leave anything for my family to have to decide. I have even half way written my own eulogy I wanted to leave this earth having my final say so to the people I love. I know that some people see that as a negative thing that I planned those things out but it's no way an indication that I have given up its being prepared. We  should all be prepared. One day it's all of our final days and if you know when yours will be than you must be pretty darn smart.  

Opening my life and heart up to the world with my disease hasn't always been easy and  to be honest it's  been heartbreaking to share some of the news. The disappointments and fears of my own personal insecurities have been shared with my readers because you can be the strongest person and still have fears and be afraid. It's okay to be afraid. It doesn't mean your weak because you fear something what makes you weak is if you don't keep trying your best to overcome whatever obstacle you are personally facing. 

Today, I met with Dr Carter,  my oncologist, we have had a very good relationship throughout  this last year together as doctor and patient! He's very open to listening to my thoughts and concerns. When I have talked with him about not feeling well enough to do the chemo treatments he's always been open to agree and understand me. He's a good man and he really had a compassion for his patients as well. Out of all the oncologist I had seen he was my best choice for managing my treatments I could have found. Dr Chamsuddin referred me to him and that was another wise choice. Today we talked about a chemo regimen change.  He didn't like the idea, mainly because my body has responded so well to the gemzar and all the medical procedures I have had. He thought that staying with the gemzar at this point was my best option. He said there are so big gun's chemo that he could use but there was no sense in those while I am not needing them. He said as long as the tumor market is down and I've done so well with all the other stuff we will leave it alone. He said there may come a time that we have to pull out the hardcore chemo maybe 2 or 3 years down the road but for now I'm doing excellent and to keep up the good work. I wish chemo was over. I wish this while nightmare would end but I just have to get going strong and giving this mess my all! I may deal with this the rest of my life my hopes are that I won't but my fear of it spreading or dying is bigger than my fear of doing the chemo so I stick to the plan. The plan is working. 

I have some great news. It's summer my little Evan is out of school for the summer and unlike last year we joined the neighborhood pool and I've been able to get my work done early in the day so that I can get out and enjoy the warm weather and spend some real quality time with her. Last summer was horrible I was not able to do anything. I promised her last year that I wasn't always going to feel this way and next summer would be better, and it's worked out just like I said it would. 

I may not be able to do all the things so many other mothers can do right now but I love her and I am giving my all to every aspect of my life. One day she will be able to read these blogs and understand so much more about me than she ever would have otherwise!! 

I am scheduled for the all so dreaded next pet scan ...Thursday May 28th.  I am praying for great news. Praying that the last Y90 was able to get those new 5 tumors that showed up and that there is no new tumors there. It's going to be what it's going to be. I pray for great news. I asked the oncologist office to order my Cancer marker today.  I have not had one since mid April because I didn't want any new news before going on my Mexico trip.  Tomorrow. will be when I find out about where the marker is. I hope it's down, that will give me some indication of what to expect with the pet scan. The Cancer marker has been a great indication of my Cancer. It went up only when the new tumors showed up so if it's way down from the last one at 180 I'll be very excited. They say not to count much on the tumor marker but thus far mine has been spot on!!!

I have high hopes... I feel great and look even better. My attitude is good and my will to live gets stronger with every day I fight this monster inside of me! I have had a lot several people reach out to me this past week with someone they know being dx with cancer. It's always heartbreaking to hear of someone new being told the worse news of their lives! You don't know or understand what Cancer really means until it happens to someone you love! I make one recommendation to every single person and that's to set up a consultation Dr Chamsuddin that's really the only advice I offer because without him I would not be here today and if I could give anyone the most precious gift it would be to have him as their own doctor.   I sing his praises and I am sure I drive people nuts but there isn't a person that will ever read my blog, meet me, or even know me that won't hear about this man and all he's done for men when someone gives you your life  back why wouldn't you want that doctor on your side. I give praise where praise is due. He was the only doctor willing to take a chance on me he took me under his care and has given me all of himself as a doctor he had/has to give. I know I'm needy. I know that I can be a royal pain with all my questions. He answers the ones he wants and tells me he's ignoring the ones  he doesn't want to answer because it's never always cut and dry as to what he's going to do until he gets in there and starts doing his thing. Some things I don't need nor want to know and he leaves it at that! 

Next week will lead us to what if any direction we will be heading in next. I am anxious to know and ready to see where else this road may lead me next. Regardless of what may happen I'm in the best hands possible and prepared for whatever may happen. I'm thankful for such a great doctor to have on my side. He's a great doctor and more than that he's a great man. Some doctors have no bedside manor... they get so use to be a doctor and refuse to  see past their profession to find it within them for compassion for their patients. I'm glad that Dr Chamsuddin... is a very compassionate man. He tries to hold back but he doesn't fool me. I see right through him and that's what makes him so great to me! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Please continue to pray for my recovery and know that I truly believe God answers prayers. I'm still here and alive and every day I wake up he's answering mine! 

Blog #86 Third Y-90, Inner Peace, and Living Life.....

It's going to be another big week for me. I am scheduled for my third Y-90 treatment on this Thursday. I am more ready to get this done and over with than I am anxious for the procedure. I have a little anxiety but I am pretty good and secure  when it comes to getting this treatment. I am not put to sleep, I am just given a twilight injection. I am hoping the success of  this treatment is as good as the last two treatments were for me previously. 

I know that I am fortunate.... that I am able to have another injection and hoping that the treatment gets these new five tumors, and not only stops them in their tracks but will keep it  from anything else coming back! 

Life is really good. I am feeling good and I can honestly say that I have an inner peace that I have not had this entire journey. I have had a lot of fear. I allowed my mind to go to those "What if " places that any one would go to. I let myself fear life because I was so scared of dying. I just think that it's hard to be positive while you are fearing every thing that may or may not happen. I have told and forced my mind to stop.... to just appreciate the life I have . To enjoy life. To make plans. I didn't make plans and I made excuses saying that " I might not feel good" I don't do that anymore . I make plans and I have made my plans for my Mexico Girls Trip 60 days out and now we are 38 days from boarding the plane... It seemed like the time would never get here and we are now almost half way to the time to leave. I am glad now we didn't plan for April, May will give me enough time to get to feeling better and get my strength back. 

I had another person I met online contact me this week, I found myself giving some really good advice. I know each of us have our own journey and I know that we all have the same kind of things that run through our minds.  This person was saying how they needed to get their affairs in order just in  case. We should all have our affairs in order some of us are not even given a chance to fight for our lives some people die in an instant with a accident, a heart attack, or even a gunshot just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Getting your affairs in order doesn't mean that you give up, it just means just in case something happens you have things in order for the people you leave behind. I have all my stuff together. I have my will made out. I have written letters to my little daughter, so far to the age of 16, I cry sometimes when I have written some of these letters but I think it makes me happier to know that I can be a part of those special days just in case I don't make it through this or anything else life has to throw at me. 

I decided that I am going to be happy ... Happiness is about letting go of the fears and letting your heart and mind  enjoy all the things you have in your life that you love doing! I don't miss any of my little grandson's ballgames. I go to Evan's gymnastic classes. I try my best to be a good mama, and grandmother. I just know that life is short no matter what you are facing and for me I think that you can be happy through anything you are facing in life. It's a choice and I totally chose happiness. 

I take a lot of pride in my job. I think with me continuing to work, my business servicing my customers and writing new business it really has helped me in my recovery. It has kept my mind busy and an I know that an idle mind can make you sicker in ways that you create yourself. I have not changed anything about my life over these last 14 months besides trying to get well from each procedure and chemo and being down and out for a few days. I have tried to remain "ME" I think there have been times that I felt that I had to change I had to be this person I didn't know. This sick person with cancer.  I no longer feel that way. I am me, I feel healthy and happy and I don't think I have to change anything ..... adjust maybe, sometimes but not change. 

I have found comfort in music too. Country, rock, whatever... I turn on Pandora and just pick whatever I am in the mood for. Sometimes.... I listen and cry and sometimes I dance like no one is watching.  I get in the car sometimes and some catchy song will come on and I just sing my lungs out. I love those uplifting, get you out of your seat kind of songs that just make you want to smile and be happy. When you get down and out about whatever you have going on in life... music can truly sooth the soul . I believe that!

No chemo tomorrow I think it will be to hard to do chemo this week and the Y-90..... so I am going in for blood work tomorrow and hopefully my counts will be up from what they were last week. I am feeling good tho. It's weird the lower my white cell count is the more energy I have another friend that does chemo with me said the same thing last week. Bodies are weird. 

I am happy with how I am looking these days. My hair is coming back but I am still wearing a wig. A friend saw the new wig picture I posted and asked if I went and had my hair done. She thought it was my real hair, which is a good thing but it's not. I just laughed because I thought if I had this great hair I would never wear a wig another day in my life. I keep thinking about all the people that can't afford to change wigs as much as I do. I don't wash them I just buy a new one. I need to be giving away some of the older ones I have ... If anyone is interested in them. I will be more than happy to mail them to you. Just a thought. 

Sunday is Easter, I was telling my little grandson's father last night at his ballgame that I got engaged on Easter in 2003. He had my engagement ring hidden in an Easter egg. It was sweet and cute. He was a good guy and he's happily married to someone else now. But I am always reminded of the engagement ring in the Easter egg this time of year. Another old boyfriend always teased me about that and said he was going to do the same thing one day, he never did. Good thing since we also broke up. Life is funny how certain times of the year or situations make us think of milestones in our life long since gone but not forgotten.

 I have every thing all ready for Easter my brother and I went to lunch today and I had him stop by Hobby Lobby on the way back to the office, poor thing, he called and got his vehicle and was sitting out in front of the store waiting on me after me taking so long, he has waited on me more in the last 14 months... than he ever did before. When we did mortgages he opened my own office to get me out of his hair and now he doesn't leave my side. He is the best brother in the world. I know his heartache as been more than he would have ever let me see or know over these last 14 months but we had a long talk last week and I told him we have done all we can do. We have gone near and far, high and low, up and down, and all around to cure me and there is no stone that we have left unturn and we can not live  the rest of our lives worried about what could happen. It will happen no matter what we want,my fate is truly in God's hands and I am at peace with it all. I want to live and I do believe I am a miracle but the fear of what could be can drive a person insane... We have to live and we have to live to be happy and worrying about things we can not control will not do that for either one of us. 

I have another friend that has cancer I am good friends with his brother and the brother has told me more than once that his brother was at peace with things. I could not understand how in the world he could be at peace. I thought I could never be at peace with my disease and it's just another thing I was wrong about. Life is what it's going to be.. I do not control the future. I can do my best as I have and will continue to do so but I have to find the peace that lies within us all at some point or another in our lives where we just let go of the control and just live. I want to live. I am happier. I cry don't get me wrong but I don't have the questions in my mind like I did, because I won't allow it. I want to spend whatever time I have left on this earth inspiring others, being happy and spending time with the people I love, I have truly seen and felt what love is about over these last 14 months. I have been consoled  by some amazing people. People that have given of their hearts to me and my family and not expected anything in return and I am so grateful for them all. It's really hard to find true and good friends when you need them. You don't have to find them... They find you and boy have I been fortunate to have had them come to be with me without reservation or fail when I have needed them. I am a giver and at first it really took a lot for me to accept what I have been given without trying to offer something in return.  I have learned to accept and say Thank you .. because I know that they would not be doing the things they have for me if they didn't want to do it. 

It's kind of funny. My little Evan was playing on the playground over last weekend at my nephews ballgame and we told her not to wear her boots because she would want to play, she didn't listen (she can be a little hard headed like her mama) anyways, she wore them and got hurt. Chris thought that she tore her ACL. We brought her home and she cried in pain and cried in pain so  we took her to Newton  Medical Center, by the time the PA came into see her, she was up walking, 2 hours after the injury she was fine, but we were already there so we waited and just had her checked out anyways. Her dad, step mom, and little sister all came too. It was a family reunion.  They said they were glad to see me, he had not seen me even picking up Evan every other weekend because I was always home in my pj's with my wig off and I refused to let him see me.They said they had asked Evan how I was and she said ... I was in the bed a lot.  He said they had assumed the worse but it was so reassuring and refreshing to see me looking and feeling so good I just I just had not thought about it. I know I put my selfie's on facebook a lot only because I want people to see I am looking and feeling good. It's been an important part of this process as I so publicly share my journey through this horrible disease. 

No word from Obama yet on my letter, I may not hear a word but hoping that it reaches him and tugs at his heart strings enough to want to do something to not only help me but others in my same situation. When I did the Y-90 and had such great success with it I was determined to make sure every oncologist gives every patient in my position the opportunity to do the treatment but looking deeper into this the first step is making sure that these insurance companies will pay for it first. It's the steps the process of helping others that seem to be changing in my desire and hopes in making a difference.Even if these people are getting the information for the Y-90 they may not be able to have it because it will not be approved by their insurance carriers. That is why I started my petition to make my insurance carriers accountable and to help change the path for not only myself but for other people as well. I hope that through my journey I can make a difference. I am no  Florence Nightingale,I am just me... Christy Hicks a woman that has a  desire to do something bigger and better for the success of not only myself but for others along my own road I am traveling . 

I'm excited about the future.  I am hoping the Y-90 does it's job and does it as perfectly as it has the past two times. I hope that I go to Mexico and have the greatest time and enjoy the memories I get to make with some very good and special friends. I hope that my petition continues to grow and spread  my message that medical necessity should be determined between the doctor and patient.  I did not realize that I could read message from people that signed the petition, there was one that meant the world to me ... Everyone deserves their mother. I took that one to heart and hope you will too because it is true. You can sign my petition on the right side of the blog on a desktop version, and you can also chose to share it on FB the more this gets out into the world the better off I and everyone else traveling now or in the future with this disease will have their own chance at getting this treatment to save their lives. When you do something not only for yourself but for others along the way how could it not be a great thing?

Don't cry for me ... Pray for me....  Life is so great and I plan to live mine to the fullest as should you. 

Blog #82... 13 MONTHS...

 I am one week from my next pet scan. I am anxiously awaiting the results and hoping that this little monster is completely gone! This stupid cancer isn't giving up easy that's for sure! It can't outsmart Dr. Chamsuddin.. I believe that with all my heart... 

I had chemo this week and it went fine no complications to speak of. It was a funny because it was Wednesday and the weather was going to be in  the 70's.... so that morning, I decided I was going to wear flip flops. I have to be honest, earlier in that day I wasn't so sure I had made the right decision because my feet were freezing. I had to be at the Oncologist office at 10:15 that morning, I did the routine we always do when I get there and I walked back into the back to find a sit for my treatment. I found one, sat down, pulled the lever for the recliner and one of my flip flops flew across the room and almost landed in the lap of the sweet lady that was sitting across from me. Everyone in the room getting treatment started laughing. It was the highlight of the day that was for sure. Then I got up before being hooked up to the machine for treatment and went into the bathroom,The roll of toilet paper was not on the hook thing... so you had to roll it out in your hands, I did that and accidentally dropped the toilet paper and that sucker rolled all over the bathroom floor before I could get a grip on it to tear off the yucky part... I came out of the bathroom laughing and said "Ya'll would have died if you were in there with me to see what happened" Everyone laughed again. It was so funny I felt like butter fingers all day that day. 

Things are really looking good with me. I have no real problems besides my lower back pain. It's weird how it's started hurting so much lately, pretty much since my last procedure. I am hoping that the pain will go away soon. It's tolerable at times and then others.... I have to go home and take a hot bath and then lay on a heating pad to get rid of the pain.

My attitude is really good. I am just believing the end of this nightmare is near.  Someone close to me went to the doctor yesterday and they were asked all those medical questions about family history of this and that... They said that I had liver cancer. This person said they looked at them and asked the story of my cancer. When they were finished telling the PA she looked at them and said "I worked in an oncology office for 15 years and it was so hard on me I had to leave. I have never heard of anyone having their liver covered 80% in tumors and them being doing so good as she is doing. At the office I worked at we would have given her no hope" They smiled and said "I know it's a miracle" The PA asked who my Interventional Radiologist is and where is was working they told the PA and she was blown away that he was working at such a small hospital. 

This made my day. Made me reaffirm the fact that I am a miracle... I know every day that I am alive it's a true blessing. Today marks 13 months from my dx. It's hard to believe that 13 months have gone by on one hand and then on the other it feels like 13 years. It's just the battle I have to face. Life isn't always easy but life for me is much better than the alternative. Much BETTER! 


My cancer marker went up a little  this week. I am thinking it's because I had not had chemo in 3 weeks. I was getting a 2 week break and was suppose to have chemo last week but the weather changed that because they closed early and called me to cancel my appointment ... I had chemo Wednesday this week instead. We have changed my regimen to every other week. My oncologist says this Gemzar (chemo brand) I am taking starts to take a toll on the body and even though for the most part I am tolerating it pretty good right now it starts causing different effects on the body. I think doing it every other week works. I have to make sure I keep myself healthy other than for the cancer. I know my body and I listen to it. I am doing everything I can and am told to do so I know we can see the end of the journey soon and be in remission where we have been trying to reach over the last 10 months. 

This stupid cancer is hanging in there. I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other night and I could relate to what the doctor was lecturing about when she was describing the tumors and how it was happy in there. I feel like my cancer has been happy in my body too. Where it feels that it wants to live and grow as we want it gone and dead. We will win I have no doubt about that. 

Next Friday..... is another big milestone in this journey and I ask you all for your prayers that this monster is gone. We were so close before the last procedure so we have to be there or much closer this time. 

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It means so much to me. I know that through this journey I have had some people reach out to me that I would have never thought would share their thoughts of my inspiration in their own lives and it touches my heart in places that they will never know not only that they felt that way but that they shared their feelings with me. 

I don't have to much to share this week just wanted you all to know I am doing good. I am feeling better. And my attitude is right where it needs to be ... On POSITIVE......


Don't Cry For Me.... Pray For Me... Prayers are answered every day ....Mine sure have been! 

Blog #78....One year later.... The day I wasn't expected to see....

One year ago today....I was told that I had liver cancer and it was very bad. I will never forget that day and moment  as long as I live. 2/6/2014 changed every thing I thought I knew about my life. It changed me as a person, mother, friend, sister, and a woman. It changed how I saw the world and how I thought these things only happen to other people. 

I really had not known or even heard  much about cancer. I didn't know what it was going to mean in my life! I knew in my heart and soul in those first few days  that my time left on this earth was probably very limited, I knew that liver cancer was certainly a death sentence. 

 I spent the first several days thinking about having to leave my little girl on this earth without her mama and the pain was so unbearable for me. I cried so much those first few  days. It hurt me so bad to know that I was sick, and to know that it was consuming 80% of my liver... the and chances for me to live were not great or even hopeful at all...really! I denied my fears to everyone I knew, I showed on the outside what I longed to feel on the inside. I didn't want anyone I loved hurting as much as I was hurting. I knew if I stayed strong they would have no choice but to stay strong themselves.

 My life flashed before my eyes, I began writing notes to my little girl for all the birthday's I probably was not going to be here for. I tried my best to make amends with things in my life that I felt I needed to do. I said the things that I needed and wanted to say, I wrote my will and planned my daughters future without me. I had a million things running through my mind, and as I feared so deep in my heart and soul that I would not survive the one great thing about it all was I didn't feel sick. I hurt in my side and I knew the cancer was there but I felt fine. I would ask  my brother over and over again "I feel healthy. How can I be so sick?" He would always reply "I don't know but you really aren't healthy you are sick" I knew it but I could not allow this disease to  take the core of who Iwas and change me and force me to give into what I thought was my destiny. I just could not do it. I wanted to be strong if for no one other reason's than for my daughter's and grandson. They needed me and I needed them. I wanted to live and yet I wasn't sure I would and if I did... how long I would I even  have.  I was told by 7 out of 8 doctors that I would do chemo for 12 months and that would be my life expectancy. 12 months ...  

I cried when no one else was around. I begged God to spare my life. I hugged my little girl and grandson tighter than I ever had before. I let my mind think of all the things that I could try and do to help in saving myself. I didn't want to die. I feared it so bad. I feared that my family would have to sit there and watch me wither away until I took my last breath's on this earth and I don't think  anything ever hurt me as much as those feelings did. I was so close to death and then....... I tried every thing... I drank drops of peroxide, I took baths in baking soda, I changed my diet to completely to eating healthy, I traveled all over the country meeting with doctors, I did vitamin C through my veins 3 days a week, a shot of vitamin D once a week, sat with a heat lamp shining directly on my liver 3 days a week for 1 hour at a time, I sat in a heat box in my living room several times a week for 20 minutes.... There was nothing I wasn't willing to try to get rid of this disease, and through all this time I did all of that over 6 weeks and went back for a scan and the tumors had grown a little and my cancer marker went from 1480 to 8800... I knew I was headed in the wrong direction. I had been determined that I would not do chemo. I didn't want to do it, I feared it more than I had ever feared any thing in my life but I knew in those moments the results from my scan coming back, I knew what direction I had to go, I had no choice! I had to give myself the best shot at killing this cancer and it was apparent what I was doing was not working.  I called Dr. Chamsuddin and asked if I could bring my updated scan to him to review and we made an appointment for the Monday after Mothers Day...   

Evan on World Cancer Day 2/4/2015

Dr. Chamsuddin gave me a glimmer of hope. He never committed to me to save my life. He said "Your only hope is the Y-90" He saved me ... He will never know my appreciation and my heartfelt bond I have with him. He pulled me through this disease that should have been my death sentence and he used his expertise and took a chance on me when I am sure he wasn't sure that I would even make it.I often wonder how it felt to be him in those earlier days and even still. Having to take me into do all these procedures and see all my friends and family each time before he did what he was going to do for me. I know that has to be tough. He has a heart even though he is a doctor, he has feelings. He told me one time, my support system has been a lot of the success of my procedures. He knew from the first day that he met me how loved I am and I can only imagine how tough that is. I guess he puts the personal aspect out of his mind, or else how can you try and be the best you can be if you think of anything outside of what your job is. He has a talent beyond what I could have ever expected as a patient. Without him, I would be gone from this earth by now, I would be a memory to the people that love me.

 I would be the voice they long to hear on the other end of the phone, or the face they missed seeing every day. I have a bond with my family that is amazing. We grew up so differently than we are now. I know that I can never repay my brother and sister for everything they have done for me through this. I just know that without them I would not have been strong enough to make the tough choices I have had to make and survived. They are as much of my survival as anyone else is. They don't read my blogs, I think because it would hurt them to deep to read my inner most heartfelt feelings but they love me just the same and hopefully one day they will feel strong enough to want  to read them and know how it felt to be the inner part of myself through all of this. 

 Dr. Chamsuddin never said either way  if I would or would not make it through all of this... but I know he was hoping and praying I would, as much as my family and I were. He gives  me his all when he is working on killing this monster inside of me. I know that! I hope that he knows I am more grateful than words could ever express! He gave me my life back, I don't even know if I can find the words to say how amazing that truly is to me. I know I still have my moments that I get upset, but I am still fighting the fight, it's not gone completely but it's 99% gone and that is incredible.  I don't fear that I will die anymore. I just know that I want the cancer gone. I want to hear those words REMISSION. I was hoping and been praying that I would be done with every thing by today, my one year anniversary, it didn't happen,and that's okay. It's okay because I am here I am alive and I am better in so many ways than I was 12 months ago. We are all hoping and praying that the last procedure a week ago this past Monday got all 5 tiny spots of what is was left of the cancer. My next Pet Scan is being scheduled for sometime mid March... As we are all anxious to hear the results. 

1 YEAR.......

I'm a walking, talking, and living miracle. It wan't my time. Maybe I cheated death out of taking me and I can't say enough how grateful I am for that. Life isn't about money, rising up the corporate ladder, it's truly about living life, being loved and loving, family, friends, and happiness. Finding happiness in times like I have faced have been tough at times but I have really worked hard at keeping my spirit up, keeping a positive attitude, and being strong enough to face every thing I have had to face and to keep fighting the fight. Cancer is terrible. Just the mere word makes me sick... I hate cancer. I hate all the people that I have met and have known that has gotten cancer too.

Today, I survived what I was told I would not. 12 months later and I am still here, strong , not in remission, not cancer free, but alive and happy, and so very close to being there and that is more than I could have ever asked for 1 year ago. 

Thank you Dr. Chamsuddin, for not ever giving up on me, for taking a chance in  saving my life, and for the amazing experience you have in making a difference in the lives of other people. I hope that today you celebrate my life because you are such a HUGE part of me having a future to live. Thank you a million times over. I will forever be grateful to you and for your amazing staff at Newton Medical Center for taking such good care of me. For being there to do what you all do best... Saving lives. 

Blog #71 Make the most of every single day!

I'm just getting through another down weekend of chemo. I have my treatments on Wednesday mornings and by Friday mid afternoon, I am down and out in the bed! Yesterday, was Sunday 1/4/2015 and it was my oldest daughters 25th birthday. I had to force myself out of the bed yesterday to go out and celebrate her birthday. I could have asked to go one night this week, and I am sure that she would have understood, but I didn't want to miss her birthday. I have never missed her birthday in 25 years and just because I have this stupid cancer..... I refused to allow it to hold me back on living my life..... no matter how bad I felt. 

On the ride over to the restaurant I felt fine, I guess the 45 minute wait for a table and  having to stand most of the time and smelling all the different foods, I felt so sick. I had to get up from the table as soon as we were seated and hug the toilet in a public place (first time I've ever had to do this) I just could not hold back the nausea any longer and I did my best to not make a big deal of it. I wanted to  cry though, I wanted to get my food to go and get home and back in the bed. I fought the urge to do so and I made the most of what was not such a good feeling for me. Last night wasn't about me, it was about Sam and I wanted things to be as normal as I could possibly make them, even if I was suffering inside for it. There are times in our lives we have to look past ourselves and do what is right for others. Everyone all day kept telling me not to go, I wasn't listening. I had to go... I had to celebrate my daughters birthday and I had to prove to myself that I would not allow this disease to control my whole life, and I did it.. Accomplishment number 685... 

It's a new year and I am up and at work. Still not feeling great but better than I did last night. I am ready to get back to work full time. I am planning 2015 to be my most successful year in the Insurance business so far! Things have been going good. I had a great year last year considering all that I have been through. I have written 228 new policies in 2014 and I am  proud that I have done so well considering all that I have been going through. I appreciate all my clients and they know if they need me I am a phone call away! That's the great thing about doing business on my cell phone, I am always accessible! 

Seems a couple of times a week I am hearing about someone else coming down with some form of cancer or another.  It's insane. I share my knowledge to the best of my ability. I am certainly no cancer expert, but I do know a heck of a lot more now than I did a year ago. I think the initial shock of being told you have cancer is the one of the most heartbreaking things you could ever hear. Every single person fears cancer in their lives. It's not a reality until it hits your life in one form or another, whether it's you or someone you know and love that get's the dreaded news. My sister and I were talking the other day about chemo, she said "I had no idea what chemo was about until you got sick and I came with you that first time" I didn't either. I had no idea what to expect. I know the day of my first biopsy I was about to lose my mind. I know I had never been more scared a day in my life as I was that day. I was horrified. I wanted to be told it wasn't cancer, I wanted to believe that this was just a nightmare that I was going to wake from any second. Never happened. I was sick. I was very very sick and yet, all I could do was believe that I could beat this. That I was going to do every single thing I possibly could to save my life. I was willing to walk to the edge of insecurity to live my life. I was willing to risk it all , all the days I had left to live to have the chance to live a longer and better life than I had before the cancer. It was a risk. There was no certainty in the outcome of what my life was going to be. Each time I was put to sleep and Dr. Chamsuddin did his thing, I was at risk of not making it through the procedure. I knew that in the very back of my mind, but I didn't allow it to control my decisions. I wanted my life more than I have ever wanted anything else. I was willing to fight for it, I am still fighting for it, and I will succeed what should have been and celebrating in what is going to be... Me in remission.  

Attitude is so important. I always thought that was a crock before now. I thought how can you make yourself believe if you want something bad enough it will happen. I am now a true believer in that,  I believe anything is possible that you set your mind to. I think I am a PRIME example of that. 

Life is worth  living whether you are sick or not. It's about continuing to live your life no matter what you are facing. We all face problems in our lives. I had a friend on FB one day write something like "Wish I were anyone but me" I made a simple comment.... "I would be glad to trade places with you" I haven't seen her post another negative comment like that. It's all about us and our own accountability in life. There are a lot of people that always blame everyone else for their shortcomings. Please... we make our own decisions we chose what we do and no one can force us to ever do anything. Accountability is an important part of growing and learning in life. I take credit for all my own shortcomings, I have learned something from every single one of them. most of the lessons I have hated to learn and hated to accept. But, I am better for them all. 

Life is short.. Not a single person on this earth knows when it will be there last day here. I say make the most of every day whether you are diagnosed with a terminal illness or you are just fighting demons from the past. Today is a new day. 2015 is a new year... I am going to be in remission from a disease that was suppose to take my life... What amazing thing are you going to do?

FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE... IT'S WORTH EVERY SECOND OF THE PAN!!!!! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me!!!  So close to freedom of this disease and yet I continue to fight to make sure that I have the rest of my life to live. Be happy with you because sometimes you are the only person that can get you through to another day!
 

Blog # 62 Precious Moments

Opening my life and heart on this blog isn't always easy. I have had to share with all of you... some of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. The things  that I could not wrap my mind completely around in those moments, where it seriously has taken me months to understand the full effect of something that has happened. I am a tunnel vision person, I always have been and certainly always will be. I see the small picture. I see what is directly in front of me, and I don't question nor ponder the future, I take what is in this very moment and I deal with what is right in front of me. I have been criticized for that many times in my life. That I don't plan for a future that is suppose to turn out how I envision it in my mind to be honestly... none of our lives ever really turn out that way... in the whole scheme of things. Things always happen along our journey's to accomplish our goals and either side track us or completely change the direction in which I our lives were planned in our minds to go. 

My vision for my life has not turned out how I envisioned it to be. I never dreamed I would have two children as a single mother 18 years apart. I thought that I would raise Samantha and I would be this empty nester learning how to live alone (something I have never done).  That vision disappeared after 8 "not pregnant" pregnancy test, and the 1 that totally screamed "You are Pregnant" that day will forever hold a special place in my heart. As much as I wasn't ready for another child, she became what held my life together. A failing economy, a career that afforded me ( a non college educated single mom) a life of anything my heart desired. My income was replaced with an unconditional love from a child that I could never put into words how much I needed her in my life. I didn't embrace pregnancy very well, I was sick as a dog. I would lay in the bed for days, talking to this little person that was growing day by day inside of me. I know she didn't hear me, didn't understand, but we connected in a way that I needed to connect with my unborn child. She was my strength in those hard moments of a changing in my lifestyle. She was the one person that I felt so close to that wasn't even born into this world. There is no wonder why I love her so much now. The day she was born I was happy. I held this little baby, that looked at me, and knew that I was her protector, she knew I was her mama. I loved her so unconditional in those first and all the moments of her life. She is 6 now, and she is sassy, (like her mama) but she will only take her sassy attitude so far and she knows to come back and everything will be fine and comforting. I love being her mama.  This past 9 months has been tough tho. It's been a hard time for both of us.   Monday, she was out of school for Veteran's Day (weird Veteran's Day was Tuesday but oh well) I got up that morning and came to work. The longer I sat at my desk the more I was missing her. I have a hard time taking time off because I am having to be away from work so much with my surgeries and chemo. 

I got up, grabbed my purse and decided that she and I needed to go to hospital and see Dr. Chamsuddin to see when he was going to schedule my surgery. I wanted to take her there because... other than pictures he had never seen or met my precious little girl that him and I are fighting for my life so hard for. When I got home to get her, she was so happy. She instantly asked about going to the mall and making a build a bear... I told her I would think about it.  On the way to the hospital she took out two pieces of paper out of my notebook I use for work and she drew two different pictures for Dr. Chamsuddin. She wrote the top part herself and then asked me how to spell Dr. Chamsuddin's name... When I saw the picture it melted my heart. She is as grateful to Dr. Chamsuddin as I am . She needs her mama and she knows that he is taking the very best care of me that he possibly can for her. 

When we got to the hospital he was tied up. Evan didn't get to meet him but as I handed his assistant Cheryl the pictures to give to him... she was smiling. It doesn't matter that Evan didn't get the chance to meet him that day, it's that he knows by those 2 pictures that she loves her mama and she is grateful to him too. When we left the hospital I told her we might just go to Build a Bear some other time. She with her sassy self said " Well, I know that I do a lot for you, I get you drinks and I come check on you and if you don't think that I should get one today, that is fine. I take care of you and not get anything really isn't right for me mama" I was was completely in her spell of guilt in that moment and we were going..... 

We ended up at build a bear, she picked out the most inexpensive bunny, and by the time we got the pj's and a robe for "Snowflake" it was $45.00 later. Dang a $16 rabbit cost a mere fortune. But, the value of making my little girl smile and to see her sleep with that bunny (at least for now) every night makes me happy too.  

Yesterday, she came home and handed me a little note... The note said "You are cordially invited to Jag of the Month ceremony on November 20th" I knew in that moment what that meant, she was Jag of the Month for her class. This is the second time she is Jag of the Month (I have to be honest, I would have never gotten Jag of the Month.. I wasn't one of those exceptional stand out children.. I was unfortunately less than average when I was small. Mainly because I held "No" confidence in myself.) Evan's first time getting Jag of the moment was 2/6/2014.... the very day I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember my brother took me to his doctors office to get a second opinion, we knew the truth but he wanted someone he knew to hear what was happening and to give us hope that we weren't sure in our minds there was any. I remember sitting waiting in the waiting room and got the call from Evan, as I answered her sweet little voice so excitedly saying "Mama, guess what ... Guess what Mama?I got Jag of the month". The tears fell from my eyes I was in that moment happier than I could have ever asked God himself for that moment of happiness. I needed to feel joy that day because it was so hard to wrap my mind around.... being told I have liver cancer 6 hours before that and being told it was bad, really bad. I cherished that moment on the phone with my daughter, the joy in her voice I knew was one of many great accomplishments in her life. It hurt so bad for  that same reason too. I wondered if I would be here to share in her future accomplishments. It was a bitter sweet moment ... Last night I made some video's asking her about being Jag of the Month and trying to show my happiness, she was determined not to let me talk or be part of those video's. When I posted them to our You Tube channel I created a few years ago, she was upset, that child threw a complete temper tantrum melt down drive mama crazy ... I didn't care. I want those video's there. I wish I had over the years made more video's for her. Now, I can just do what I can do. I was explaining to her that I wish my own mother would have made me video's now that she isn't here anymore, and how special one day those video's are going to be to her. 

Over the last several months I have taken a few moments when I've had time to write her notes. A little letter  for each of her birthday's just in case I am not here to share her birthday with her. I may live 40 years or I could die in a crash tomorrow. I brought this little girl into the world and I want her to know always without a shadow of a doubt... how much I love her and how much she meant to me every single day of her life. We never take the time to do the things we intend to do, things like video's and letter are hard to do and easier to put off until tomorrow ... But, when it's to late it's too late and I don't want to miss my opportunities I have living every day to do the things that I know will mean so much to her one day if I am not here with her.  

A 6 year old child understands things in what is a 6 year old child's mind. She doesn't understand what cancer, chemo, surgery, and me being really sick means in the big picture of things and if I can keep her thinking in the small picture of it all then I have accomplished a huge goal with her. 

When I go back and read what I have written it hurts me, but it's the truth, it's life unfortunately life isn't fair! I learned that 17 years ago when my own mother died. The one person that I could count on, I could count on to be beside me yelling and screaming for whatever I had done wrong in that moment of my life, but for me she was my mama and she was the one person that I could accept anything from because I loved her. There is no one like your mama. No one can replace your mama.  

It's funny my family and closest friends do not read my blogs. They would all prefer me not to write them. At first I thought it was because they were afraid writing them would hurt me to bad, but honestly it hurts them to bad for me to put it all in writing. It's more real when it's written. 

I have found a lot of comfort in sharing my story. I find a peace about the words I write and the deep thoughts that I can create on paper that can hopefully mean something to someone that is needing to hear whatever it is I am writing about on each individual day. 

I have lived a good life ... I have loved and I have been loved. I have had 2 children that mean the world to me. I have been happy and I've been sad. I have been at the top life and been to the bottom. I have lived to be who I am and never to pretend to be someone else. I have had some amazing friends, and some people that have hurt me beyond understanding. I have given compassion and I have received compassion. I have had the best and worst of days and been grateful for them both. 

I don't know how long I will live. You don't know how long you will live. It's about living today, appreciating what you have, recognizing what you want and going for it...day by day. 

I have another surgery planned for Monday. I am hoping that Dr. Chamsuddin is going to do the chemo on the one last fraction of a tumor left on my liver and burn the one of my lung at the same time. I didn't get to see him to ask about that. But, I am praying that this is my last procedure and that the next time we have anything to face it's a clear Pet Scan with the words coming from his mouth that I am in remission. Boy, that day will be at the top of the best days of my life... Nothing greater than the days I gave birth to my children but Remission sure comes close. 

Thank you for reading and sharing my story.  Knowing that I have so much love and support behind me makes this all possible.  I have had a couple of people reach out to me this week about their own health and I honestly can not say enough that a second opinion at Newton Medical Center with Dr. Chamsuddin may just be one of the best things you ever did in your life too. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me! 

Blog #58... My incredible REWARD~!!!

Last Wednesday… I saw my oncologist; I was not feeling well at all. I was having all kinds of stomach issues, so much pain in my abdomen that he said he could hear the roaring without even using the stethoscope. He agreed that I didn't need to do chemo that day, he asked when my next procedure was going to be, I told him Dr. Chamsuddin would be back on the 10^th of November and he was planning on getting the last fraction of the tumor on my liver with the chemo and burning the one spot on my lung when he returned.

  Dr. Carter said I could take a break from the chemo until after the next procedure.  That was music to my ears! I was happy to hear I could get a 3 week break, and allow this worn out, damaged body of mine to heal a little and rebuild itself for the next round of procedures and chemo treatments.  In the meantime they were concerned about my pancreases, as it was very tender in that area and Dr. Carters PA order a pancreases blood test to rule out pancreatitis.  I was stressing for days over that test. Who wants something else to go wrong when you are fighting one monster, I worried until Friday when the PA called and said my pancreases levels were a little elevated but it was not anything to worry about.  Dodged that bullet, and I was a happy girl. My cancer marker also came back it went from 287 to 278. Not down much, but hey… it went down and didn't go up and that’s what being cured is all about.

Friday I felt good, Saturday & Sunday I felt awesome. I felt like me again, it brought tears to my eyes several times over the weekend. Just the fact that I felt like getting out of the house, and doing things that I had not done since I found out I was sick . The joy of not hurting,  and not having to sit down because I was tired. The happiness of realizing that how bad I have felt over the last 6 months is not going to last forever. That when it’s all done and I am through with all the procedures and chemo that I will feel good again. I needed that reminder. I needed to feel good again to reboot me for the next rounds of procedures and chemo. I told someone over the weekend I felt like feeling this good was my reward for all that I have been through so far.  It’s mentally hard to go through all that I have been through. Your mind can play tricks on you. Not that you want it to… it’s just that it gets so involved in what is happening in the now and it’s like it wants you somehow to believe that you will always feel this way. I know now I will not  and I am so blessed to have had such a good weekend. I almost forgot that I am a cancer patient … I don’t think I could ever forget all the way but I allowed myself to put it on hold in my mind and enjoy the happiness that the weekend offered.

Saturday, I took Evan and Landon to my friends little girl Christen’s birthday party. They had a blow up jumpy and those two monkeys had the time of their little lives playing with the kids and just being outside on such a gorgeous day.  Landon did not  spend the night because when it gets dark and bed time he wants his mommy or daddy so I told him I would pick him up the next afternoon for the other birthday party on Sunday.  Saturday night we went to my friend Tonya’s Halloween party it was a lot of fun and the kids had a blast on the hayride.  Sunday we met some special friends at Mellow Mushroom for lunch, went to the other birthday party and once again enjoyed a hayride.  Then we ended the weekend at a church carnival, where the kids had a great time playing games.  When we first got to the carnival we decided tot do the cake walk, well Landon and I did, Evan wasn't having any part in it. After the first go round, the music stopped, the announcer called #25 and there was Landon standing on the 25. He won the cake walk and his face in that moment he won was priceless. I had no down time this weekend and to be perfectly honest, I didn't need it. 

The weekend was awesome. I spent it with two of the people that mean the most in the world to me.  All weekend at random times out of the blue my little girl would come up to me and ask “Mama, you feeling okay?’ I could honestly tell her that I was… But, each time she asked me I would think about what the question truly meant. How much this disease affects my sweet and innocent little girl’s life too, she worries about me …probably more than anyone else in this world. She sees the every day in and out of this disease and it truly almost breaks my heart that she has to see it and deal with it. I know that she strong but no little 6 year old should have to be this strong. What other choice do I have? I have to be a mother, I want to be her mother, sick or not, I want her with me all the time. She is what keeps me going at times. She loves me unconditionally and for me that is my REASON to fight for my life.

When I am well, she is going to be so happy … We are going to do all the things we have been missing out on over these last 9 months. I have an agenda. I want to be done with all my procedures and chemo by the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. I am hoping that that is realistic. 2/6/2015 I want to be cancer free. I want to be back to my life and full force in accomplishing any and every goal that I set forth for myself.

I tell Evan all the time that every single day mama is getting better (whether or not I believed it at the time) I just know that God is with me. That all the people that pray for me, support me, encourage me, and care about me is what is saving my life. That I have a purpose in life, I never knew what it would be and I am not sure that I know how to go about what I feel is my purpose but I know that I want to give hope and guidance to other people facing the same fate that I was told I was facing.  Liver cancer isn't always a death sentence. I want that clear pet scan so I can send a letter to every single one of the oncologist that gave me no hope

except for chemo and 12 months to live that if they would open their minds and hearts to something new and could possibly save more of their patients lives.  The old school way of medicine isn't the most inventive or life saving way of handling patients and their cures. Every time I tell someone how Dr. Chamsuddin tells me all the time I am not suppose to be here, it tears me up. It’s those words that I mean I should be dead by now that rip me up inside. I chose the route I felt right in my heart about. I chose the doctor that I felt would give me the best chance at my life, and I rolled the dice. Something I knew nothing about, I researched on the internet but you really never know the side effects or the outcome until you try something. I was willing to try anything to save my life and that gamble brought me right here… so far… 98% cancer free. The u-turn of my cancer…and the chance at a long and happy life. I am blessed, I am amazed, and I am forever grateful!

After this little break and feeling so darn good that I have been rewarded with I am ready for another battle. Another chance at getting cancer free…. and being given a chance that most people are not given. I wish I could make every day for the rest of my life perfect. Life doesn't work that way… We all have our good and bad days we take them as they come and we make the best of what we have to do. So, I am not waiting on the chemo until after the procedure. I have my next appointment a week from today and I think that I am going to tell him lets do the chemo next week again. I don’t want to chance this monster spreading and there is a reason behind why I do the chemo … I am revived and ready to start again. Life is always about the little breaks to rebuild yourself and to keep going no matter what all you have going on in life. That’s why the work week is 5 days a week with a 2 day break.

I wanted to post the pictures of the weekend. These are the moments of my life that mean the most to see these two so happy and enjoying the day. This journey is hard but these moments of happiness make all that pain worth every second I have endured.

Don’t cry for me…. pray for me….