Blog#69 New Year Resolutions

I skipped chemo this week!  I was scheduled for it on Christmas Eve. I did go and have my  blood work done, as that is a weekly event regardless of chemo. I  had to sit back in the infusion area until a nurse came by and talked with me about my results. As I sat there I looked and every single chair was full, I teased one of my friends there that I couldn't do it, because I had no place to sit and get my treatments. She said I should tell the doctor that, and I would have if I had seen him.

 I felt guilty looking at all the people sitting there getting their treatments and being the Christmas Eve heroes, that I just didn't want to be. Stupid how something like other people doing what you are suppose to be doing can make you feel guilty! I know I should not feel guilty about anything, I have done my fair share of those treatments almost 7 months now. 7 months of chemo. Yuck! It's doing what it's suppose to be doing and that is making sure this cancer doesn't spread... for that I am lucky and plan to spend my New Year's Eve doing it myself. Not that I want to but I have to .... 

Another Christmas has come and gone. The anticipation of Christmas morning and the hard work it takes to make the magic happen.. comes in and out  the same day... and then  it's over ... I spend 30 days getting ready for 1 day. Sad but true. I am ready to get my house back in order. Take some toys to Goodwill for the ole...out with the old and in with the new. Evan has so many toys, I could get rid of half of them and I don't even think she would notice. Since she is at her dad's for the weekend, I just might do that. Shhh.. Don't tell her. Loving the shirt below my sweet friend Linda had made for me... I wrote that on a comment and said I should have a shirt that says that, and now I do.. Thoughtful! I love it.....

I'm feeling good. My blood work was a little alarming last week (due to the chemo) but all my numbers are back up and as the nurse put it... It looks beautiful. It's strange to live by my blood work and to see it low and knowing that the poison I am required to put in my body is getting rid of bad cells and yet it's also killing the good cells too. There should be a way to kill only the bad cells and not the good one's but I don't know that will ever happen in my life time! I believe someone is going to find a simple pill one day that will cure every form of cancer and not so many people will lose their lives to this horrible disease. The key is finding a vaccine that they can keep anyone from ever getting the disease in the first place. I need to be a scientist now. To late for me but not to late for someone in the world. I often wonder how many billions and billions of dollars has been spent on finding the unknown cure already? What if the answer is so simple that it's become to complicated for someone to figure out the cure... That could happen. It's often right before our very eyes to answer whatever questions we might have. Sometimes... we over think something so much that we can't ever find the solution. 

I am ready for the new year. 2014 has been the year from and of  hell. The year of fighting and putting life on hold to beat this monster. I am ready to live again. I am ready to get back into the office full time. I am ready to be me again, the new and improved me, but me non the less. I have decided to start back at the gym at the beginning of the year. I think exercise will be good for me, not over doing it but enough to tone up my body and get me feeling healthier. I have not felt like going to the gym over the last several years, especially the last 11 months but now that I am feeling better, I have more energy, and I feel the need to help make the best me, that I can make. I owe that to myself, every one owes it to themselves to be healthy. I see a lot of very overweight people in the world and they are doing their bodies an injustice. Being overweight causes a lot of complications in life, maybe not in the moment but most certainly in the future.There are some people that just refuse to do anything and there are others that are just afraid and don't know where to start to get better, you start at the beginning, you take it one day at a time and do the best you can, you are doing it for not only yourself but for the ones that love you too. 

I've been thinking of my new year resolutions.. What I want for my life, for the rest of my life. It's simple I want to be in remission, I've been working on that goal for a while and hate that I carry it on into the new year, but hey, from 80% to 1% of the cancer in my liver I can't complain about a thing. I want my year to be more about happiness that about cancer. I want to get through these last few chemo treatments & the last procedure and start my year off the best I can..... So here's what I have come up with:

1. Get back into the gym slowly 

2. Come back to work full time

3. Spend more quality time with Evan & Landon and take them on a special trip

4. Let go of the past and see more of my future

5. Write and publish the book Evan and I are working on together

6. Remission

7. Stop chemo

8. Cook more at home

9. Show the world the new and improved person I have become

10.Help others facing the same things I have faced in and with this disease.

A lot of people would rather linger in the background and not get noticed. That's fine but everyone's lives has a story to tell and some people are more vocal than others. I remember at the beginning when I started this blog my brother asked me not to write it. I think he thought it would hurt me, he didn't want anyone having the ability to hurt my feelings with me being so raw and open with this whole thing. I know him nor my sister have ever read a single one that I have written, they live the disease with me day in and day out. One day my sweet Evan will have the chance to understand what all her mama has gone through. One day when I am old and grey I may just print them all out and hand them over to her. I believe she is going to love to write like I do. She is creative because I have always taught her how to be, even with our made up bedtime stories of whatever, she enjoys the make believe of it all. She get's it and I love that. That's why I want us to write the book together. I want to show the world in her words and in her drawings how a 6 year old sees cancer.  It's something we are doing together. Something that will forever be as precious to me many years to come, as the day we finish the book! 

I hope the changes in the new year will bring a lot more smiles than tears. I have cried a river in 2014 and I just don't believe I have any more tears to cry. Life is hard sometimes but it's also very rewarding! We all most go through the tough times in life sometimes to get to the blessing we never expected! I am good with that. 

I pray for all the people I know facing cancer in their lives. I pray that they find the same answers to their disease as I have! I hope each and every one of them knows they're the heroes I see every day as I follow their journey's! I think to myself sometimes if so and so can keep doing this so can I ... I do find inspiration in other people as I hope that find in me. Nothing is easy but it's a lot easier facing your troubles with people cheering you on all the way to the finish line. I am almost there. I am so close and I know that without a shadow of a doubt I will be free from this monster and I will be a whole lot better person from the experience. Thank you all for reading and following along this winding road of recovery with me. I could not make it without the all the love and support I am shown... 

  

Blog #58... My incredible REWARD~!!!

Last Wednesday… I saw my oncologist; I was not feeling well at all. I was having all kinds of stomach issues, so much pain in my abdomen that he said he could hear the roaring without even using the stethoscope. He agreed that I didn't need to do chemo that day, he asked when my next procedure was going to be, I told him Dr. Chamsuddin would be back on the 10^th of November and he was planning on getting the last fraction of the tumor on my liver with the chemo and burning the one spot on my lung when he returned.

  Dr. Carter said I could take a break from the chemo until after the next procedure.  That was music to my ears! I was happy to hear I could get a 3 week break, and allow this worn out, damaged body of mine to heal a little and rebuild itself for the next round of procedures and chemo treatments.  In the meantime they were concerned about my pancreases, as it was very tender in that area and Dr. Carters PA order a pancreases blood test to rule out pancreatitis.  I was stressing for days over that test. Who wants something else to go wrong when you are fighting one monster, I worried until Friday when the PA called and said my pancreases levels were a little elevated but it was not anything to worry about.  Dodged that bullet, and I was a happy girl. My cancer marker also came back it went from 287 to 278. Not down much, but hey… it went down and didn't go up and that’s what being cured is all about.

Friday I felt good, Saturday & Sunday I felt awesome. I felt like me again, it brought tears to my eyes several times over the weekend. Just the fact that I felt like getting out of the house, and doing things that I had not done since I found out I was sick . The joy of not hurting,  and not having to sit down because I was tired. The happiness of realizing that how bad I have felt over the last 6 months is not going to last forever. That when it’s all done and I am through with all the procedures and chemo that I will feel good again. I needed that reminder. I needed to feel good again to reboot me for the next rounds of procedures and chemo. I told someone over the weekend I felt like feeling this good was my reward for all that I have been through so far.  It’s mentally hard to go through all that I have been through. Your mind can play tricks on you. Not that you want it to… it’s just that it gets so involved in what is happening in the now and it’s like it wants you somehow to believe that you will always feel this way. I know now I will not  and I am so blessed to have had such a good weekend. I almost forgot that I am a cancer patient … I don’t think I could ever forget all the way but I allowed myself to put it on hold in my mind and enjoy the happiness that the weekend offered.

Saturday, I took Evan and Landon to my friends little girl Christen’s birthday party. They had a blow up jumpy and those two monkeys had the time of their little lives playing with the kids and just being outside on such a gorgeous day.  Landon did not  spend the night because when it gets dark and bed time he wants his mommy or daddy so I told him I would pick him up the next afternoon for the other birthday party on Sunday.  Saturday night we went to my friend Tonya’s Halloween party it was a lot of fun and the kids had a blast on the hayride.  Sunday we met some special friends at Mellow Mushroom for lunch, went to the other birthday party and once again enjoyed a hayride.  Then we ended the weekend at a church carnival, where the kids had a great time playing games.  When we first got to the carnival we decided tot do the cake walk, well Landon and I did, Evan wasn't having any part in it. After the first go round, the music stopped, the announcer called #25 and there was Landon standing on the 25. He won the cake walk and his face in that moment he won was priceless. I had no down time this weekend and to be perfectly honest, I didn't need it. 

The weekend was awesome. I spent it with two of the people that mean the most in the world to me.  All weekend at random times out of the blue my little girl would come up to me and ask “Mama, you feeling okay?’ I could honestly tell her that I was… But, each time she asked me I would think about what the question truly meant. How much this disease affects my sweet and innocent little girl’s life too, she worries about me …probably more than anyone else in this world. She sees the every day in and out of this disease and it truly almost breaks my heart that she has to see it and deal with it. I know that she strong but no little 6 year old should have to be this strong. What other choice do I have? I have to be a mother, I want to be her mother, sick or not, I want her with me all the time. She is what keeps me going at times. She loves me unconditionally and for me that is my REASON to fight for my life.

When I am well, she is going to be so happy … We are going to do all the things we have been missing out on over these last 9 months. I have an agenda. I want to be done with all my procedures and chemo by the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. I am hoping that that is realistic. 2/6/2015 I want to be cancer free. I want to be back to my life and full force in accomplishing any and every goal that I set forth for myself.

I tell Evan all the time that every single day mama is getting better (whether or not I believed it at the time) I just know that God is with me. That all the people that pray for me, support me, encourage me, and care about me is what is saving my life. That I have a purpose in life, I never knew what it would be and I am not sure that I know how to go about what I feel is my purpose but I know that I want to give hope and guidance to other people facing the same fate that I was told I was facing.  Liver cancer isn't always a death sentence. I want that clear pet scan so I can send a letter to every single one of the oncologist that gave me no hope

except for chemo and 12 months to live that if they would open their minds and hearts to something new and could possibly save more of their patients lives.  The old school way of medicine isn't the most inventive or life saving way of handling patients and their cures. Every time I tell someone how Dr. Chamsuddin tells me all the time I am not suppose to be here, it tears me up. It’s those words that I mean I should be dead by now that rip me up inside. I chose the route I felt right in my heart about. I chose the doctor that I felt would give me the best chance at my life, and I rolled the dice. Something I knew nothing about, I researched on the internet but you really never know the side effects or the outcome until you try something. I was willing to try anything to save my life and that gamble brought me right here… so far… 98% cancer free. The u-turn of my cancer…and the chance at a long and happy life. I am blessed, I am amazed, and I am forever grateful!

After this little break and feeling so darn good that I have been rewarded with I am ready for another battle. Another chance at getting cancer free…. and being given a chance that most people are not given. I wish I could make every day for the rest of my life perfect. Life doesn't work that way… We all have our good and bad days we take them as they come and we make the best of what we have to do. So, I am not waiting on the chemo until after the procedure. I have my next appointment a week from today and I think that I am going to tell him lets do the chemo next week again. I don’t want to chance this monster spreading and there is a reason behind why I do the chemo … I am revived and ready to start again. Life is always about the little breaks to rebuild yourself and to keep going no matter what all you have going on in life. That’s why the work week is 5 days a week with a 2 day break.

I wanted to post the pictures of the weekend. These are the moments of my life that mean the most to see these two so happy and enjoying the day. This journey is hard but these moments of happiness make all that pain worth every second I have endured.

Don’t cry for me…. pray for me….