Last Wednesday… I saw my oncologist; I
was not feeling well at all. I was having all kinds of stomach issues, so much
pain in my abdomen that he said he could hear the roaring without even using
the stethoscope. He agreed that I didn't need to do chemo that day, he asked
when my next procedure was going to be, I told him Dr. Chamsuddin would be back
on the 10th of November and he was planning on getting the last
fraction of the tumor on my liver with the chemo and burning the one spot on my
lung when he returned.
Dr. Carter said I could take a break from the chemo until after the next
procedure. That was music to my ears! I
was happy to hear I could get a 3 week break, and allow this worn out, damaged
body of mine to heal a little and rebuild itself for the next round of procedures
and chemo treatments. In the meantime
they were concerned about my pancreases, as it was very tender in that area and
Dr. Carters PA order a pancreases blood test to rule out pancreatitis. I was stressing for days over that test. Who
wants something else to go wrong when you are fighting one monster, I worried
until Friday when the PA called and said my pancreases levels were a little
elevated but it was not anything to worry about. Dodged that bullet, and I was a happy girl.
My cancer marker also came back it went from 287 to 278. Not down much, but hey…
it went down and didn't go up and that’s what being cured is all about.
Friday I felt good, Saturday &
Sunday I felt awesome. I felt like me again, it brought tears to my eyes
several times over the weekend. Just the fact that I felt like getting out of
the house, and doing things that I had not done since I found out I was sick .
The joy of not hurting, and not having
to sit down because I was tired. The happiness of realizing that how bad I have
felt over the last 6 months is not going to last forever. That when it’s all
done and I am through with all the procedures and chemo that I will feel good
again. I needed that reminder. I needed to feel good again to reboot me for the
next rounds of procedures and chemo. I told someone over the weekend I felt
like feeling this good was my reward for all that I have been through so
far. It’s mentally hard to go through
all that I have been through. Your mind can play tricks on you. Not that you
want it to… it’s just that it gets so involved in what is happening in the now
and it’s like it wants you somehow to believe that you will always feel this
way. I know now I will not and I am so blessed to have had such a good weekend. I
almost forgot that I am a cancer patient … I don’t think I could ever forget
all the way but I allowed myself to put it on hold in my mind and enjoy the happiness
that the weekend offered.
Saturday, I took Evan and Landon to my
friends little girl Christen’s birthday party. They had a blow up jumpy and
those two monkeys had the time of their little lives playing with the kids and
just being outside on such a gorgeous day.
Landon did not spend the night because when it gets dark and bed time he
wants his mommy or daddy so I told him I would pick him up the next afternoon
for the other birthday party on Sunday.
Saturday night we went to my friend Tonya’s Halloween party it was a lot
of fun and the kids had a blast on the hayride.
Sunday we met some special friends at Mellow Mushroom for lunch, went to
the other birthday party and once again enjoyed a hayride. Then we ended the weekend at a church
carnival, where the kids had a great time playing games. When we first got to the carnival we decided
tot do the cake walk, well Landon and I did, Evan wasn't having any part in it.
After the first go round, the music stopped, the announcer called #25 and there
was Landon standing on the 25. He won the cake walk and his face in that moment
he won was priceless. I had no down time this weekend and to be perfectly
honest, I didn't need it. 
The weekend was awesome. I spent it
with two of the people that mean the most in the world to me. All weekend at random times out of the blue
my little girl would come up to me and ask “Mama, you feeling okay?’ I could
honestly tell her that I was… But, each time she asked me I would think about
what the question truly meant. How much this disease affects my sweet and
innocent little girl’s life too, she worries about me …probably more than
anyone else in this world. She sees the every day in and out of this disease
and it truly almost breaks my heart that she has to see it and deal with it. I
know that she strong but no little 6 year old should have to be this strong. What
other choice do I have? I have to be a mother, I want to be her mother, sick or
not, I want her with me all the time. She is what keeps me going at times. She
loves me unconditionally and for me that is my REASON to fight for my life.
When I am well, she is going to be so
happy … We are going to do all the things we have been missing out on over
these last 9 months. I have an agenda. I want to be done with all my procedures
and chemo by the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. I am hoping that that is
realistic. 2/6/2015 I want to be cancer free. I want to be back to my life and
full force in accomplishing any and every goal that I set forth for myself.
I tell Evan all the time that every
single day mama is getting better (whether or not I believed it at the time) I
just know that God is with me. That all the people that pray for me, support
me, encourage me, and care about me is what is saving my life. That I have a
purpose in life, I never knew what it would be and I am not sure that I know
how to go about what I feel is my purpose but I know that I want to give hope
and guidance to other people facing the same fate that I was told I was facing.
Liver cancer isn't always a death
sentence. I want that clear pet scan so I can send a letter to every single one
of the oncologist that gave me no hope
except for chemo and 12 months to live
that if they would open their minds and hearts to something new and could
possibly save more of their patients lives.
The old school way of medicine isn't the most inventive or life saving
way of handling patients and their cures. Every time I tell someone how Dr.
Chamsuddin tells me all the time I am not suppose to be here, it tears me up.
It’s those words that I mean I should be dead by now that rip me up inside. I
chose the route I felt right in my heart about. I chose the doctor that I felt
would give me the best chance at my life, and I rolled the dice. Something I
knew nothing about, I researched on the internet but you really never know the
side effects or the outcome until you try something. I was willing to try
anything to save my life and that gamble brought me right here… so far… 98%
cancer free. The u-turn of my cancer…and the chance at a long and happy life. I
am blessed, I am amazed, and I am forever grateful!
After this little break and feeling so
darn good that I have been rewarded with I am ready for another battle. Another
chance at getting cancer free…. and being given a chance that most people are
not given. I wish I could make every day for the rest of my life perfect. Life doesn't work that way… We all have our good and bad days we take them as they
come and we make the best of what we have to do. So, I am not waiting on the
chemo until after the procedure. I have my next appointment a week from today
and I think that I am going to tell him lets do the chemo next week again. I
don’t want to chance this monster spreading and there is a reason behind why I
do the chemo … I am revived and ready to start again. Life is always about the
little breaks to rebuild yourself and to keep going no matter what all you have
going on in life. That’s why the work week is 5 days a week with a 2 day break.
I wanted to post the pictures of the
weekend. These are the moments of my life that mean the most to see these two
so happy and enjoying the day. This journey is hard but these moments of
happiness make all that pain worth every second I have endured.
Don’t cry for me…. pray for me….
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