The chemo gets me every time. There is nothing that seems to make me feel better. I got a new prescription filled on Saturday which cost me $220.00 and the only thing it really did was give me a headache... something I really had not had before now. So, I guess you can assume I will not be taking that medicine again. It is suppose to help with the digestive system where the pancreas is slacking, I would rather just suffer through all that than I would adding any other side effects to this horrible disease
On these days that I am bed , I am not able to get up and do anything to myself. No makeup, no wig, no clothes ...other than pj's no nothing just brush my teeth, eat what I can and drink as much as I can. I get up and take hot baths and as I pass myself in the mirror I avoid looking at that person that I no longer recognize. She is not the person I was 8 months ago, mentally, physically, nor emotionally. I still see parts of myself in the mirror when I am fixed up but I don't like the part of me I see when I am not. Call me selfish and vain, I don't care, When you step into my shoes and you feel the every day fighting for your life you would understand it too!
I was telling my brother in tears today (which I always feel bad when I have those breakdown moments and he is the one I am sharing with, because he really doesn't know what to say) ...that it's almost as if when I am feeling good enough to get out of the house, I need to go places where I don't know anyone. Where someone is not looking at me, judging me and saying you need to gain some weight, you are too skinny. I swear I don't think I can take another person saying that to me. I feel judged by a disease that is doing the best it can to take my life away from me, and I have to stand there in front of someone telling me how skinny I am. Don't judge me. Don't judge anyone. If you don't have something nice to say to me, don't say anything at all. It's hurtful .. It hurts me and makes me cry, not that I would dare let the person see that, but it does. I have to live my life so far from the way I use to and it's so not fair the way I have to justify myself and my weight. I don't ask for anyone's opinion and unless you are sick or have been through what I am going through you have no idea how hard of a battle this really is. I cry enough... I don't need the hurt from other people to make me cry too! All my family and friends I talk to about this make excuses for people, there is no excuse. I am giving this battle 150% of myself. I focus every single moment of my life on getting better. I do things I don't want to do but I do them because I want to live. I want to see my baby grow up.
I don't want to lose this battle! I cry because the chemo takes me to the brink of heartache every single week I do it, and when I get up and feel better I am so happy. Then.... someone always hurts my feelings. I am not a punching bag. I am a strong woman but I am only as strong as my heart and soul will allow me to be. Now... I wish we would not have put off the next procedure until 11/10 I wish we would have done it last week. I want this nightmare to end. I want to be in remission. I beg God every single night to save me. To heal me from this pain, this misery, this scariest thing I could ever go through in my life. I want to be on the other end of this disease helping others.
I know this isn't just happening to me, it happens to so many people when they get sick, they get the same crap they have to deal with, with other people that generally have nothing to do with their inner circle of support and friendship. . I just know that until you have cancer you have NO IDEA how it feels. Even my doctors have no idea how this feels.The mental stress of this disease is tough. I called a friend today that lost her mother a couple of years ago and all I could do was cry and apologize to her that I had not been there for them more because first hand I know what it feels like. I would have never known that if I had not been sick, and that's a shame.
I am up at work today. I don't feel normal but I felt good enough to come in and do my job. It always makes me smile to be able to get out of the house and come to work. I was a workaholic. I love my career and I am so grateful to the families that are my clients that stand by me and support me through this difficult time. I am fortunate that I can work and make a living from home and/or at the office.
Things are going to get better. I am done crying over something someone else has said, but listen don't hurt people. Think about the things you say before you say them. It's not even about me being sick it's just showing compassion and concern for your fellow friend!
Don't cry for me pray for me... and don't say I am SKINNY!
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