Blog #57... Don't hurt my feelings....

It was  a tough weekend. I did the fluids, thinking that it would help with the side effects of the chemo. The only thing it did was make my inner gut  hurt worse. It made me feel. so  full and I felt like I could be one of those balloons hanging on the wall at the fair, that you throw the metal arrows at and pop the balloon for a prize.Except there was no prize at the end of this game.  I was in pain and there seemed to be nothing I could do to make the pain go away. So, I laid there all day Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I would take my pain pills and just sleep on and off as much as I could. 

The chemo gets me every time. There is nothing that seems to make me feel better. I got a new prescription filled on Saturday which cost me $220.00 and the only thing it really did was give me a headache... something I really had not had before now. So, I guess you can assume I will not be taking that medicine again.  It is suppose to help with the digestive system where the pancreas is slacking, I would rather just suffer through all that than I would adding any other side effects to this horrible disease

 On these days that I am bed , I am not able to get up and do anything to myself. No makeup, no wig, no clothes ...other than pj's no nothing just brush my teeth, eat what I can and drink as much as I can. I get up and take hot baths and as I pass myself in the mirror I avoid looking at that person that I no longer recognize. She is not the person I was 8 months ago, mentally, physically, nor emotionally. I still see parts of myself in the mirror when I am fixed up but I don't like the part of me I see when I am not. Call me selfish and vain, I don't care, When you step into my shoes and you feel the every day fighting for your life you would understand it too! 


I was telling my brother in tears today (which I always feel bad when I have those breakdown moments and he is the one I am sharing with, because he really doesn't know what to say) ...that it's almost as if when I am feeling good enough to get out of the house, I need to go places where I don't know anyone. Where someone is not looking at me, judging me and saying you need to gain some weight, you are too skinny. I swear I don't think I can take another person saying that to me. I feel judged by a disease that is doing the best it can to take my life away from me, and I have to stand there in front of someone telling me how skinny I am. Don't judge me. Don't judge anyone. If you don't have something nice to say to me, don't say anything at all. It's hurtful .. It hurts me and makes me cry, not that I would dare let the person see that, but it does. I have to live my life so far from the way I use to and it's so not fair the way I have to justify myself and my weight. I don't ask for anyone's opinion and unless you are sick or have been through what I am going through you have no idea how hard of a battle this really is. I cry enough... I don't need the hurt from other people to make me cry too! All my family and friends I talk to about this make excuses for people, there is no excuse. I am giving this battle 150% of myself. I focus every single moment of my life on getting better. I do things I don't want to do but I do them because I want to live. I want to see my baby grow up.

 I don't want to lose this battle! I cry because the chemo takes me to the brink of heartache every single week I do it, and  when I get up and feel better I am so happy. Then.... someone always hurts my feelings. I am not a punching bag. I am a strong woman but I am only as strong as my heart and soul will allow me to be. Now... I wish we would not have put off the next procedure until 11/10 I wish we would have done it last week. I want this nightmare to end. I want to be in remission. I beg God every single night to save me. To heal me from this pain, this misery, this scariest thing I could ever go through in my life. I want to be on the other end of this disease helping others. 

I know this isn't just happening to me, it happens to so many people when they get sick, they get the same crap they have to deal with, with other people that generally have nothing to do with their inner circle of support and friendship. . I just know that until you have cancer  you have NO IDEA how it feels. Even my doctors have no idea how this feels.The mental stress of this disease is tough. I called a friend today that lost her mother a couple of years ago  and all I could do was cry and apologize to her that I had not been there for them more because first hand I know what it feels like. I would have never known that if I had not been sick, and that's a shame. 

I am up at work today. I don't feel normal but I felt good enough to come in and do my job. It always makes me smile to be able to get out of the house and come to work. I was a workaholic. I love my career and I am so grateful to the families that are my clients that stand by me and support me through this difficult time.  I am fortunate that I can work and make a living from home and/or at the office.  

Things are going to get better. I am done crying over something someone else has said, but listen don't hurt people. Think about the things you say before you say them. It's not even about me being sick it's just showing compassion and concern for your fellow friend!  

Don't cry for me pray for me... and don't say I am SKINNY! 

Blog #55.. Taking a chance

CT Scan confirmed what I already knew, the 6 tumors that were treated are all gone now. Hooray! That of course didn't surprise me. I am just glad that there isn't much more left to do. There is one tumor that is close to my heart that the week of November 10th, Dr.Chamsuddin wants to treat  with direct chemotherapy, a pretty simple procedure. I wanted to have it done this week but to be honest, I am just now feeling good and I need a little more time to heal and just take so me time for Christy Hicks. Since May it has been a whirlwind of procedures and chemotherapy.  I have the one tumor left on my lung that needs to be addressed and apparently we are doing that one last. I'm sure that will be close to the middle of November too. And hopefully that will be the last procedure we have to do, then do a pet scan  and when it comes back clean,  take my last  round of chemo therapy... Glory day when that happens.. I will be continuously monitored, but fortunately throughout all of these procedures the cancer has not spread anywhere else and there have been no new tumors come up in my liver..... nor my lung and that makes for a great chance of me being and staying in remission. 

It's been hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I am almost free of this disease. I knew when I first got sick... that people do not live through liver cancer. And here I am 98% free of it's hold on me. I am winning the battle. I suppose I will remain  skeptical until I am cancer free. Until the day the pet scan comes back and there is nothing that lights up, then I will know and believe I beat this monster. 

I am one of the lucky ones, God brought me to the doctor that would do a pure miracle in my life, and I tell him all the time how grateful I am for him. I think to be honest he gets sick of me telling him but I want to make sure he knows... I deserve my life. I have been through more than 5 other people all put together. I have lived my life fighting for every thing I wanted and every thing I have gotten. The world has been cruel to me at times. I never questioned "why me?" when I got sick. I have always said I have been challenged in life,. I sometimes think God will be standing at the pearly gates when I get there one day and saying to me "You kicked ass in your life" I believe that because you know even with the odds always stacked against me I have come out of things being better than I was expected to be. I didn't grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth, mine was plastic...but you know what... I never allowed that from stopping me from being the best person I can be. I am a giver, even though my whole life I have been taken from I have still had a huge heart for others and that is something a lot of people can not say. I think that it's why it's so important to me to write these blogs, to share my journey, to reach out to people facing their own uncertainty and not to promise them everything is going to be fine with them, but to reach out to be a friend,  someone to talk to and someone to share their insecurities with. I am a pretty good listener. 

Life is funny, I say all the time that I have changed. I guess I see things through the eyes of a person that has been afforded a second chance at life, sometimes that totally overwhelms me. Makes me question what have I done so good in life that I deserve a second chance, and to be honest I think it's because I want it and I am willing to fight for it. I am willing to go beyond what I understand things to be and take a chance on something and hope that it worked for me as it has for other people. I have been blessed that my body has reacted so well to all the things we have been doing. I want the world to know that if I can be strong enough to risk it all, every one can. I would rather risk it all then sit back and do what it takes to live long enough until what I am doing doesn't work anymore and I die. Why not go for the gusto?  

I am happy. I am still in pain sometimes!  I will hate taking the chemo until the last time I take it and I will pray every night once I am off the chemo that I will never have to take it ever again... I get fussed at by Dr. Chamsuddin about my weight. I try and tell him that I eat three meals a day and he doesn't seem to believe me. I do eat, there are times when I seriously have to force food into my body and I do it because I know that without nutrition I wont heal and I could actually get sicker. I do my best to stay well and I do eat even when I don't want anything to eat even if it's only a few bites. I have had to push myself through this disease on so many levels. This disease could have taken my spirit easily. It could have sent me into a deep depression. And believe me there have been times when I have wanted to give up. The pain, the uncertainty, and just the simple fact that I am sick is enough to deeply hurt anyone. I would not allow any of that in my life, except for short periods of time . There are moments when I melt down. Moments where my fears overrule my logical thinking.Mainly it's when I see on social media every one out having fun on the weekends and I am stuck in my bed unable to get up and do anything because the last procedure or chemo treatment has gotten me down once again. I feel sometimes I ride a roller coaster, the up's are so awesome where I am feeling good again, feeling close to being who I once was, and then the low's hit and they sometimes truly hurt my heart. I get through them only to go through all of that over and over again. It's hard. I can not lie to you. It's a mental thing  for me, it's all about remembering how good it feels to feel good and how the feeling bad isn't going to last forever. 

I have people that encourage me. I have people that give up a lot of their time to be with me. To call, stop by, and just check on me. They have no idea how great it makes me feel to be so loved.  I am a proud person. I have always been a little vain about my appearance. I love clothes I use to shop for new clothes weekly, always walking around in heels, and being sexy. Right now, Olive Oil is sexier than I am. It's tough being like this... But I would rather be like this, than to not be here anymore at all. I have to accept myself for the way I am now and understand that my body will not stay this way forever. 

This disease is tough all around I struggle sometimes, but even people that aren't sick struggle. It's life we are to dealing  with the things that happen and hopefully when we come through our challenges we become better people. I know I am better since having cancer, I think I have shown a lot of people how simple and precious life really is. How we are not promised perfect health forever and how things can totally change for any of us on a dime. ....

Take chances in life without taking a chance... I would not be here today! 

Don't cry for me...Pray for me. I am blessed beyond words for the recovery and the prayers that I have been receiving from so many people. People I know and people I don't...