CT Scan confirmed what I already knew, the 6 tumors that were treated are all gone now. Hooray! That of course didn't surprise me. I am just glad that there isn't much more left to do. There is one tumor that is close to my heart that the week of November 10th, Dr.Chamsuddin wants to treat with direct chemotherapy, a pretty simple procedure. I wanted to have it done this week but to be honest, I am just now feeling good and I need a little more time to heal and just take so me time for Christy Hicks. Since May it has been a whirlwind of procedures and chemotherapy. I have the one tumor left on my lung that needs to be addressed and apparently we are doing that one last. I'm sure that will be close to the middle of November too. And hopefully that will be the last procedure we have to do, then do a pet scan and when it comes back clean, take my last round of chemo therapy... Glory day when that happens.. I will be continuously monitored, but fortunately throughout all of these procedures the cancer has not spread anywhere else and there have been no new tumors come up in my liver..... nor my lung and that makes for a great chance of me being and staying in remission.
It's been hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I am almost free of this disease. I knew when I first got sick... that people do not live through liver cancer. And here I am 98% free of it's hold on me. I am winning the battle. I suppose I will remain skeptical until I am cancer free. Until the day the pet scan comes back and there is nothing that lights up, then I will know and believe I beat this monster.
I am one of the lucky ones, God brought me to the doctor that would do a pure miracle in my life, and I tell him all the time how grateful I am for him. I think to be honest he gets sick of me telling him but I want to make sure he knows... I deserve my life. I have been through more than 5 other people all put together. I have lived my life fighting for every thing I wanted and every thing I have gotten. The world has been cruel to me at times. I never questioned "why me?" when I got sick. I have always said I have been challenged in life,. I sometimes think God will be standing at the pearly gates when I get there one day and saying to me "You kicked ass in your life" I believe that because you know even with the odds always stacked against me I have come out of things being better than I was expected to be. I didn't grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth, mine was plastic...but you know what... I never allowed that from stopping me from being the best person I can be. I am a giver, even though my whole life I have been taken from I have still had a huge heart for others and that is something a lot of people can not say. I think that it's why it's so important to me to write these blogs, to share my journey, to reach out to people facing their own uncertainty and not to promise them everything is going to be fine with them, but to reach out to be a friend, someone to talk to and someone to share their insecurities with. I am a pretty good listener.
Life is funny, I say all the time that I have changed. I guess I see things through the eyes of a person that has been afforded a second chance at life, sometimes that totally overwhelms me. Makes me question what have I done so good in life that I deserve a second chance, and to be honest I think it's because I want it and I am willing to fight for it. I am willing to go beyond what I understand things to be and take a chance on something and hope that it worked for me as it has for other people. I have been blessed that my body has reacted so well to all the things we have been doing. I want the world to know that if I can be strong enough to risk it all, every one can. I would rather risk it all then sit back and do what it takes to live long enough until what I am doing doesn't work anymore and I die. Why not go for the gusto?
I am happy. I am still in pain sometimes! I will hate taking the chemo until the last time I take it and I will pray every night once I am off the chemo that I will never have to take it ever again... I get fussed at by Dr. Chamsuddin about my weight. I try and tell him that I eat three meals a day and he doesn't seem to believe me. I do eat, there are times when I seriously have to force food into my body and I do it because I know that without nutrition I wont heal and I could actually get sicker. I do my best to stay well and I do eat even when I don't want anything to eat even if it's only a few bites. I have had to push myself through this disease on so many levels. This disease could have taken my spirit easily. It could have sent me into a deep depression. And believe me there have been times when I have wanted to give up. The pain, the uncertainty, and just the simple fact that I am sick is enough to deeply hurt anyone. I would not allow any of that in my life, except for short periods of time . There are moments when I melt down. Moments where my fears overrule my logical thinking.Mainly it's when I see on social media every one out having fun on the weekends and I am stuck in my bed unable to get up and do anything because the last procedure or chemo treatment has gotten me down once again. I feel sometimes I ride a roller coaster, the up's are so awesome where I am feeling good again, feeling close to being who I once was, and then the low's hit and they sometimes truly hurt my heart. I get through them only to go through all of that over and over again. It's hard. I can not lie to you. It's a mental thing for me, it's all about remembering how good it feels to feel good and how the feeling bad isn't going to last forever.
I have people that encourage me. I have people that give up a lot of their time to be with me. To call, stop by, and just check on me. They have no idea how great it makes me feel to be so loved. I am a proud person. I have always been a little vain about my appearance. I love clothes I use to shop for new clothes weekly, always walking around in heels, and being sexy. Right now, Olive Oil is sexier than I am. It's tough being like this... But I would rather be like this, than to not be here anymore at all. I have to accept myself for the way I am now and understand that my body will not stay this way forever.
This disease is tough all around I struggle sometimes, but even people that aren't sick struggle. It's life we are to dealing with the things that happen and hopefully when we come through our challenges we become better people. I know I am better since having cancer, I think I have shown a lot of people how simple and precious life really is. How we are not promised perfect health forever and how things can totally change for any of us on a dime. ....
Take chances in life without taking a chance... I would not be here today!
Don't cry for me...Pray for me. I am blessed beyond words for the recovery and the prayers that I have been receiving from so many people. People I know and people I don't...
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