I was telling a couple of people yesterday that I was speaking with, when I first got sick and several months into this disease, I cried a lot. I would cry myself to sleep some nights. I would lay there and just feel sorry for myself .. For the mere fact that I was sick and I wasn't sure how bright of a future I had. I had been given such bad news from so many doctors... that I felt very helpless and hopeless and I kept fighting that off. I would only allow those thoughts for a very short period of time, had my little pity party and I got up and kept going. What other choice did I really have? I wasn't really as sad for myself as I was for my family and friends that I knew would break their hearts if I didn't make it. That's a tough thing to really think about . It hurt so bad... that I almost could not allow myself to think about it. I could not imagine how bad it would hurt for them to say goodbye to me, and the sad part about death is life goes on. They would have to go on without me. I know that they would... but I am not sure that life would be the same for my brother, sister, my girls, and grandson if they lost me so quickly. It happens though, more times than not especially with this form of liver cancer. Liver cancer is a bitch. It's a toughie.
I have had so many people tell me that they don't think they could have done what I have done and been so determined and strong. Let me tell you this.. You never know how strong you can be until you are forced to be stronger than you ever knew you could be. This disease isn't easy. It causes me a lot of pain, it takes me down and out for several days in a row, it hurts my family and friends to the brink of insanity at times seeing me go through all the hard times. I have somehow been able to maintain my sense of humor about me. It isn't easy and sometimes I am just angry. Angry that it had gotten so far before I even knew I had the disease. Mad that I have so much to live for and this horrible monster tried it's best to strip that all away from me! I fight this invisible disease that I will never see. I know that it's there, but it's barely there anymore and God am I so grateful for that. This last hospital stay my brother slept on a cot next to me at the hospital he was determined not to leave me. He was a trooper, they came and woke us up all hours of the night when we left the hospital we were both exhausted. I know how uncomfortable that little so called bed was he was sleeping on and as many times as I offered him to go home and get some sleep, he refused to leave me there. He is a great brother. I think he knew this last procedure was a tough one and he wanted to be there. I was grateful ...
I have been traveling this road for only 8 months and 8 months almost feels like a lifetime. It's something I think of every day of these 8 months of my life. Not a day has gone by that I have not had it crossed my mind in one form or another. I try my best not to give the disease so much power in my life but I think sometimes it's understandable. As you battle and are forced to do things you have never done before a day in your life.. Take pain medicine, sleep more, lay around and relax instead of getting out and doing whatever fun you use to do, you are reminded by all the little knick's and cut's on my belly from all the procedure's to rid this horrible little monster from inside me! I see this skinny person in the mirror. 46 and forever changed in many ways from a disease. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror with my wig off. I walk by sometimes and catch my reflection in the mirror and think to myself .... "Who is this person?" I know it's me. it's just a totally different me. It does hurt sometimes... then I put on my little wig, make my face up as I always have, and I put that smile back on my face. It isn't easy having all these changes, I know sometimes I make it seem that way, it just isn't at all. I have my days I wish this wasn't my life, but I would not wish this on anyone else. Well, maybe... I will be nice!
I avoid crowds. I avoid anyone that might be sick. I don't sleep with my little girl anymore to avoid germs. I am lost without the companionship that she has always brought into my life when I go to bed, and then I wake up and she has sneaked in my bedroom and gotten in bed with me in the middle of the night. I love waking up to her precious little face. The one person in this world that truly needs me more than anyone else ever will. At 40... having a baby was tough. But, I knew she would be my lifesaver and she has been more of a lifesaver than I could have ever imagined she would have been. I think I need her more than she needs me. She brings me so much joy and I just know that I have to be better not for me but for her, to give her the life that I brought her into this world to have. I have a commitment to her and I am determined to fulfill that .....
Things are moving along in my recovery. I had chemo on Wednesday, and hopefully it won't wear me down like it usually does... Yesterday, I didn't have to take any pain pills or Motrin and then today I am hurting no rhyme or reason for the pain, weird. The book fair is at Evan's school, I told her I wasn't going to be able to go, but I think I will. I just am trying to stay out of the school for the obvious reasons with all the sickness and kids but I can not let my fears of those things hold me back from putting a smile on Evan's face this morning. So, I am going. I have to make choices that I never dreamed I would have to make. I hate it. Sometimes it makes me so mad, but what good does getting mad about those sort of things do, besides waste my time and energy. I just want to be well, I am almost there! I wish I had done these treatments when I first found out instead of waiting 3 months... but we have to find our own ways in things, I left no stone unturned and I made the choices that I felt were best at the time and that is all any of us can do.
I am a proud woman, cancer warrior, and mother. I am fighter. I have fought my whole life for one thing or another. I will never be that weak coward that sits back in the corner waiting and hoping someone else will come along and fix everything for me! That never happens anyways.
Life is short my friends. We never know what tomorrow will bring . 8 months ago in an instant my life changed forever.But let me tell you this.. My life has just begun. I am a better person. A stronger person. A more determined person than I ever was before and through this journey I have shared my story with people that hopefully can not only appreciate their own lives but can see through the sorrow of being sick and the strength to fight as hard as I can to save my life. It's a journey just like any and every thing else in our lives. We have to be strong to survive just about all the curve balls life throws our way!
Update: I went to the book fair not only bought a lot more than if I would have sent $20 like the rest of the parents did. She is happy, she got what she wanted, and it put a smile on her face and that's worth more than any amount of money. I even stayed for lunch and it was pretty good.
Update: I went to the book fair not only bought a lot more than if I would have sent $20 like the rest of the parents did. She is happy, she got what she wanted, and it put a smile on her face and that's worth more than any amount of money. I even stayed for lunch and it was pretty good.
Don't cry for me... Pray for me!!! God hears and answers prayers every day all day long.......
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