Blog #87 Emory, MRI, and Hope for Remission

On my way to Emory to have an MRI early this morning, to see if the tumor board will approve a resection of my liver on the right side. Doesn't that sound like a horrible way to start the week? It does in some ways and yet in others it could be what gives me back a Cancer free life and how can that be horrible?

I'm very nervous as to the results. I am a control freak and traveling this journey there isn't a thing I'm able to control. I just have to "GO WITH IT" sometimes that really is just the hardest thing to do. I have all my faith in Dr Chamsuddin and if he feel this is my only option than I refuse to question it. I know he will only lead me down the road of success through fighting this 

Yesterday,  I spent most of the afternoon crying when no one else was around and just cried my eyes out. Cried because I have this disease .. I cried because I still have to fight.I  Cried for the unknown which is dumb because really there is nothing to cry about when you don't even know what you are crying for. I have to do this. I have to go lay my little body in a tube for 30 minutes while a machine spins around me making images of my body so that the specialist on a board at Emory can make a decision about what can and should be done with me. This Cancer is nasty. It's slow growing but regardless it's growing inside of me as we did the Y90 I pray to God got it all... but the issue is this beast just wants to come back! It likes me. It like attacking my body and as I work so hard to fight to get rid of it apparently it's  fighting just as hard to stay just where it is! 

I'm okay. I'm recovering well from the last Y90 a few days ago. It takes a little time and my body needs rest and it's really hard to rest good when you are taking steroids ...those just seem to jack me up. I only slept a few hours last night. My mind kept wondering all over the place. I want to just tell it sometimes to just stop thinking to give me break! It doesn't work. 

It been a tough week I loss 3 people I know that had Cancer and were fighting for their lives. I hurts every time I hear about anyone passing from this horrible disease but it doesn't do anything less than make me want to fight harder.

 

I'm not a quitter I have never a day in my life been a quiter and I'm not about to start now just because the battle has gotten tougher. I have the strongest desire to live inside me. I want to see my little girl grow up. I deserve this. Everyone deserves this and like so many before me and so many that will  be after me I will fight my ass off to the bitter end. 

I have things I want to do and I am hoping that I can see those things through to the end of success. 

I'm almost there to get this done and I've put my big girl panties on and I will walk into this appointment as confident as I always do and know no matter what I feel inside I have a mission to accomplish and this is just another step in my ultimate recovery. 

The MRI was a success. I have never had one before ...so I really didn't know what to expect. I knew it couldn't really be that different from a CT Scan or a Pet Scan. I was taken back immediately, that's the plus of being the first patient of the day. I had to change into a hospital gown and a huge pair of hospital pants.  I laid on a the scan table and was given an IV for the dye that would be administered during the test (another thing I wasn't expecting) the machine is weird. It's like a tunnel you are pushed into and you are given huge headphones I wasn't sure what those were for until I was in the machine and the buzzing and machine itself was incredibly loud. It wasn't bad in and out of there in less than 20 minutes. I left the hospital thinking... well lets say not thinking and didn't get a copy of my disc. Once I got back to work Dr Chamsuddin called to remind me ( I'm not sure he thought he had to remind me but I think he thought I would have been there already. Because he knows I'm on top of it. I'm there before he even ever calls to see me) so I had to get  my driver(Chris) to come back and get me. I couldn't drive  because I have to taken a pain pill as my back hurts and I'm  still recovering from the procedure, Chris took me back down to Emory, I waited an hour, and off we went to Covington to drop it off at the hospital.

  It's there and when he gets the chance he will view it. It's been a long day and now I'm home laying in my bed resting and trying to recover before having to go and do chemo on Wednesday morning. Tomorrow should be a full day at the office, at least I hope so.   

A friend of mine texted me today and I thought I would share what she said about Dr Chamsuddin:

He is everything I would want in a doctor.  So glad you have him in your court!

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Pray that the best decision is made for my future because I plan on living a long time and fighting for every day I have if I have to!!!

Blog #58... My incredible REWARD~!!!

Last Wednesday… I saw my oncologist; I was not feeling well at all. I was having all kinds of stomach issues, so much pain in my abdomen that he said he could hear the roaring without even using the stethoscope. He agreed that I didn't need to do chemo that day, he asked when my next procedure was going to be, I told him Dr. Chamsuddin would be back on the 10^th of November and he was planning on getting the last fraction of the tumor on my liver with the chemo and burning the one spot on my lung when he returned.

  Dr. Carter said I could take a break from the chemo until after the next procedure.  That was music to my ears! I was happy to hear I could get a 3 week break, and allow this worn out, damaged body of mine to heal a little and rebuild itself for the next round of procedures and chemo treatments.  In the meantime they were concerned about my pancreases, as it was very tender in that area and Dr. Carters PA order a pancreases blood test to rule out pancreatitis.  I was stressing for days over that test. Who wants something else to go wrong when you are fighting one monster, I worried until Friday when the PA called and said my pancreases levels were a little elevated but it was not anything to worry about.  Dodged that bullet, and I was a happy girl. My cancer marker also came back it went from 287 to 278. Not down much, but hey… it went down and didn't go up and that’s what being cured is all about.

Friday I felt good, Saturday & Sunday I felt awesome. I felt like me again, it brought tears to my eyes several times over the weekend. Just the fact that I felt like getting out of the house, and doing things that I had not done since I found out I was sick . The joy of not hurting,  and not having to sit down because I was tired. The happiness of realizing that how bad I have felt over the last 6 months is not going to last forever. That when it’s all done and I am through with all the procedures and chemo that I will feel good again. I needed that reminder. I needed to feel good again to reboot me for the next rounds of procedures and chemo. I told someone over the weekend I felt like feeling this good was my reward for all that I have been through so far.  It’s mentally hard to go through all that I have been through. Your mind can play tricks on you. Not that you want it to… it’s just that it gets so involved in what is happening in the now and it’s like it wants you somehow to believe that you will always feel this way. I know now I will not  and I am so blessed to have had such a good weekend. I almost forgot that I am a cancer patient … I don’t think I could ever forget all the way but I allowed myself to put it on hold in my mind and enjoy the happiness that the weekend offered.

Saturday, I took Evan and Landon to my friends little girl Christen’s birthday party. They had a blow up jumpy and those two monkeys had the time of their little lives playing with the kids and just being outside on such a gorgeous day.  Landon did not  spend the night because when it gets dark and bed time he wants his mommy or daddy so I told him I would pick him up the next afternoon for the other birthday party on Sunday.  Saturday night we went to my friend Tonya’s Halloween party it was a lot of fun and the kids had a blast on the hayride.  Sunday we met some special friends at Mellow Mushroom for lunch, went to the other birthday party and once again enjoyed a hayride.  Then we ended the weekend at a church carnival, where the kids had a great time playing games.  When we first got to the carnival we decided tot do the cake walk, well Landon and I did, Evan wasn't having any part in it. After the first go round, the music stopped, the announcer called #25 and there was Landon standing on the 25. He won the cake walk and his face in that moment he won was priceless. I had no down time this weekend and to be perfectly honest, I didn't need it. 

The weekend was awesome. I spent it with two of the people that mean the most in the world to me.  All weekend at random times out of the blue my little girl would come up to me and ask “Mama, you feeling okay?’ I could honestly tell her that I was… But, each time she asked me I would think about what the question truly meant. How much this disease affects my sweet and innocent little girl’s life too, she worries about me …probably more than anyone else in this world. She sees the every day in and out of this disease and it truly almost breaks my heart that she has to see it and deal with it. I know that she strong but no little 6 year old should have to be this strong. What other choice do I have? I have to be a mother, I want to be her mother, sick or not, I want her with me all the time. She is what keeps me going at times. She loves me unconditionally and for me that is my REASON to fight for my life.

When I am well, she is going to be so happy … We are going to do all the things we have been missing out on over these last 9 months. I have an agenda. I want to be done with all my procedures and chemo by the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. I am hoping that that is realistic. 2/6/2015 I want to be cancer free. I want to be back to my life and full force in accomplishing any and every goal that I set forth for myself.

I tell Evan all the time that every single day mama is getting better (whether or not I believed it at the time) I just know that God is with me. That all the people that pray for me, support me, encourage me, and care about me is what is saving my life. That I have a purpose in life, I never knew what it would be and I am not sure that I know how to go about what I feel is my purpose but I know that I want to give hope and guidance to other people facing the same fate that I was told I was facing.  Liver cancer isn't always a death sentence. I want that clear pet scan so I can send a letter to every single one of the oncologist that gave me no hope

except for chemo and 12 months to live that if they would open their minds and hearts to something new and could possibly save more of their patients lives.  The old school way of medicine isn't the most inventive or life saving way of handling patients and their cures. Every time I tell someone how Dr. Chamsuddin tells me all the time I am not suppose to be here, it tears me up. It’s those words that I mean I should be dead by now that rip me up inside. I chose the route I felt right in my heart about. I chose the doctor that I felt would give me the best chance at my life, and I rolled the dice. Something I knew nothing about, I researched on the internet but you really never know the side effects or the outcome until you try something. I was willing to try anything to save my life and that gamble brought me right here… so far… 98% cancer free. The u-turn of my cancer…and the chance at a long and happy life. I am blessed, I am amazed, and I am forever grateful!

After this little break and feeling so darn good that I have been rewarded with I am ready for another battle. Another chance at getting cancer free…. and being given a chance that most people are not given. I wish I could make every day for the rest of my life perfect. Life doesn't work that way… We all have our good and bad days we take them as they come and we make the best of what we have to do. So, I am not waiting on the chemo until after the procedure. I have my next appointment a week from today and I think that I am going to tell him lets do the chemo next week again. I don’t want to chance this monster spreading and there is a reason behind why I do the chemo … I am revived and ready to start again. Life is always about the little breaks to rebuild yourself and to keep going no matter what all you have going on in life. That’s why the work week is 5 days a week with a 2 day break.

I wanted to post the pictures of the weekend. These are the moments of my life that mean the most to see these two so happy and enjoying the day. This journey is hard but these moments of happiness make all that pain worth every second I have endured.

Don’t cry for me…. pray for me….

Blog #53... Lord.. I hope this day is good

Just a quick note. I am doing pretty good. Chemo last Wednesday was really rough  over the weekend and put me in the bed for several days . I missed out on the movie's with some good friends. But, I got my sister to come over and lay in the bed with me and watch Lifetime Movies all day and it totally lifted my spirits....

I wasn't able to get out of bed until Tuesday and I only worked half a day. I work wherever I am and I come into my office when I feel good enough to get out and about.  I saw the oncologist yesterday and talked him out of chemo for this week. I was just not feeling good and I know my body and what it could take and another round of chemo this week just wasn't an option. So next week we are back on the treatments again. In the meantime I am trying to rebuild my energy and be ready for the next round of whatever is in store for me. 

I have a CT Scan at Newton Medical planned for Monday at 9:00. It will show us how well the last procedure did  getting those 6 out of the 7 fractions of a tumor left. Hoping it got them all. I know for sure I have one more procedure to get the one that was left behind my liver and the other left on my lung. I was hoping that the chemo would get that one on my lung but after 5 months of treatment it hasn't gotten it at all. It's okay it will be gone soon enough. I'm so ready to hear what Dr. Chamsuddin has to say about the results. 

Tonight, I meet with my liver cancer working group. I am excited. We have had conference calls but tonight we all get to meet in person and I am looking forward to it. Anything I can do to help make a difference in the life of someone else with this horrible disease is what I want to be doing. I've had several people say I should worry about getting myself healed, I have been doing that for 8 months and I feel I am called to a higher understanding and giving for other people. Some people follow their hearts and some are just to busy worrying about themselves. I have a story of hope that most people facing liver cancer don't have and I want my story to be heard. It can make all the difference in the lives of other people and it gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling of stepping out and making my own difference in the world. 

Last week Evan (my 6 year old) came home and told me that her and her friends sit in the grass at recess and look for me a 4 leaf clover. It melted my heart.  Then several days later she said (so and so) said that even if we find a 4 leaf clover that it would not help your mama.Made me so mad. What is wrong with kids these days? I wonder if that little girl ever got a single day of nurturing in her life, because she has been so hateful for the last 2 years. Then... last night Evan came into my bedroom with a homemade card she had made and asking me how to spell best friends.  I looked at her and asked if the card was for me... She said "no, it is for so and so" I love Evan's sweet, caring, and forgiving spirit, she had long since forgotten how that little so and so hurt her feelings, but not this  mama! 

I have so many things to teach my daughter, I have so much left to say and do to help her live a long and happy life, and that is one of the main reasons I get up every day and fight this little monster that's been living inside of me. I want my daughter to be strong, secure, and confident in the person she is. She struggles sometimes and I know that is because it's so confusing with me being sick and she doesn't know how to express herself at times but to lash out and be mean to me. I laugh because I don't think that she even realizes how many times I have been through hateful attitudes in my lifetime. 

Things are moving forward. I got fluids yesterday and today I am feeling pretty good. Not great ...but good and hey, I will take that. It's so much better than feeling bad that is for sure! So my next blog post will be with posted results from the CT Scan. Praying for the best news possible. One of the hardest parts about being a cancer patient is seeing others with this horrible disease lose their battles. Each time it breaks my heart a little more. It's like we're in a club. We have the same fears, we get one another, and most times I have not met these people... it's just a bond that I could never put into words. We share our journey's with one another. The good and bad days of this diseases. It's painful to see others and to hear about them suffering. I could for that reason alone never be in the medical field.. no matter how much I would want to heal someone the pain of seeing or hearing about them losing their lives would be way to much for me to handle .....I wish I could put into words how much pain this disease has caused me. I don't know that I have ever hurt as much in my life, it hurt when I lost my mother 17 years ago. I see things so differently now. How the stupid things that use to hurt my feelings and would tear me down, don't really even hurt me anymore. I have become a selfish person through fighting this disease. I have become more dependent. I have lost so much of my independence. I have to have someone take care of me when I am down and out or I wouldn't be able to eat or have someone there to take care of Evan... It's tough it's tougher than tough,... I had no idea how painful mentally this disease could be until I got it. When I am free of it's chains I am going to be the person I have always wanted to be ... I have found comfort in some people and I have been beyond disappointed in others. I have heard more excuses in the last 8 months of why this and why that ... until I just want to burst out laughing in people's faces when they start that crap.  We do what we want to do. We are there for the people we want to be there for. We give to whom we want to give too. No one walks in this life alone and sometimes when you are faced with the things in life that hurt you, you understand what things should have meant to you in the times that they you were needed.  People come and go in life.  I can tell you in this time of my life the true and caring friends have stood out when I have needed them. Anytime I am having anything done they are there not leaving that hospital until the surgery is over and they know I am okay. I don't even think I tell those people enough how much I appreciate and love them. It feels good to know someone is out there waiting for me to wake up and they can see my face before moving on with their day. I don't know many people that would do that but I know the handful that do it every single time.  

I wish I could say when you get sick all you have to focus on is getting better, life doesn't work that way. Life still goes on and there are just a lot more things that need to be done to make sure the ship keeps sailing. 

I have had this song attached on my heart this week... I hope you will listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWKJJplYfNM

Don't cry for me Pray for me.. I believe... I am a miracle and I believe I can be the testimony for other peoples miracles in the future. 

Blog #43..... Onward and Outward with this Monster

It's been one of those days. The kind that takes your breath completely away from you with a phone call, that could ultimately change the course of everything as you are told the doctor needs you in his office right away, with no explanation. The news wasn't as bad as my heart hurt that it would be, it's a change of plans in treatment and having surgery not only this week but next as well.  I am okay with that, I just hope my poor body that has already been through so much in the last 60 days... will be. 

I am having another procedure Friday where the doctor will go in and burn off the one tumor in the middle of my liver, it's deep within the right and left side and very hard to treat. Then... on Wednesday next week, I will once again have the Y-90 where they go in through my artery in my leg and inject the radiation microscopic beads into my liver to get the last 10% of the tumors that are left on the right side of the liver.  I had the Y-90  for the first time May 22, 2014, it was tough but I survived. I just had the burning procedure 3 weeks ago, and that was rough, mainly because he burned 6 larger tumors, and luckily this time he is only going to be burning one, hopefully that will be a walk in the park procedure compared to last time. Keeping my fingers crossed. 

There is a lot being done to get this cancer out of my body, but my liver has held up incredibly well and with  no damage at all  to the function of my liver. In our meeting yesterday we talked about "What if's" that was a hard conversation to have, the "what if "... I had not had these procedures so far, the disease would be so much more progressed by now ...and I would be yellow and in liver failure. I had nothing but tumors all in my liver and now I have hardly any. It's the moment that you think "Thank God, I am alive" I look back as the road I have traveled to get me to this point and it's been a lot of searching and HUGE decisions that have had to be made, and ultimately I have had to make them myself. I am glad of the decisions, I probably would not be alive right now if I had not made these decisions. I am grateful to be alive, I really am. I never one second wanted to die, I feared death, and I am sure there are a lot of people that thought like I did at the beginning, if you have liver cancer, it's a death sentence. I'm so glad that it's not. 

It's not that I want to beat the odds to prove anything to anyone, I want to be the beat odds because I want to live, I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to have my life back. The last 6 months have been a whirlwind. A total whirlwind that has taken my life and shock it up completely. I will always be a cancer patient. I will probably never feel free of this disease. I hope that I am in remission, I hope that I am cancer free, I know that I am not far from the end of this journey and to stay on top of the disease making sure it hasn't come back and treating it if it does. I may fight this battle the rest of my life, or it could be that we kill all these tumors and I never face it ever again a day in my life, there is no telling what can/will happen.  So when I think about being rid of this disease I don't think of it that way! 

School starts back a week from Monday,  I am probably going to miss open house on the 8th, it makes me sad, but I would rather be done with this stupid cancer procedures and onto recovery for the rest of her life of open houses..... I have missed out on a lot these last 6 months. I have been either stuck home in bed sick, doctor appointments, or in the hospital. I hope that all changes really soon! That's one of the most painful  things about having these disease for me, is missing out on things with my Evan and Landon. I spend a lot of time trying to explain this to them both. They are so young and can't possibly understand... but I try. Evan and I have spent a lot of time in the past several months crying about me having cancer, now we just talk about how every day I am getting better and beating this monster inside of me.  

I have a great life, one that has been very challenged while trying  to beat this disease! But,  I think I have done a great job of managing my business part time with a full time responsibility. I have worked very hard as trying to maintain, build, and give my all to my health, family, and business as much as I possibly can. I had been told many times that I should hire someone to run my business but honestly..... I love working. The second I feel better after any of my procedures I am back at work, I may not be able to stay all day, I may not be able to do all the things I use, even  as fast as I could, but I have done my best and I have loved every second that I felt good enough to work in the office instead of laying in the bed sick answering calls.  The challenges are only temporary. I have had to remind myself of that over and over again. People (friends) get mad at me for being at work, it's who I am. I am an overachiever and I want to be successful not for anyone but myself and I love being an Insurance Agent. Believe me, I will be hitting you guys up for letting me quote your insurance in about another 60 days. I am allowing myself to get better and then I am full speed ahead.... as I always have been! 

A lot of people have said they would not have been as brave as I have through this, that they probably would have laid in the bed and cried and/or given up by now. You never know how strong and tough you are until you are forced to find the strength to keep going and keep fighting. This isn't easy but it's not as hard as you think it is, if you want to live and you are the one that has to fight to make that happen. We do what we are forced to do. We do what we have to do. And we do what we sometimes never expect ourselves to have to do. It's life. There are no exception to who this disease effects hopefully none of you will ever face this horrible disease but know if you do or someone that you love does, it is a battle and it is a fight for your life, and your life is certainly worth it all. 

Thank you all so much... please be praying for me and my family as the next several weeks are going to be tough on us all again but we have been down these roads before and this time there is so much less left to rid my body of and hoping that it makes it easier for me and my healing time and process. I appreciate all of you and know that I am so grateful to have all the love and support I do... Day in and day out every single day of this journey! 

DON'T CRY FOR ME.... PRAY FOR ME!!!  

Blog #35... Fighting for my life....

This is going to be a big week in my fight against cancer. I am having the Y-90 treatment this coming Thursday morning at 9:00 AM. I am nervous but I am more hopeful than anything else. I wish I had a crystal ball to see what my future holds, it would make this whole journey a lot easier. It would give me the insight of what I should and shouldn't try in this journey. Unfortunately, there is not crystal ball, beside my mind. doctors, treatments,  and the prayers from all of you that have helped  in getting me through this experience.

 I have all the faith in my doctor. He is an incredible man, and regardless of which direction I went in this journey searching for a cure, he was there for me to talk to and to guide me in my journey. When we decided a few weeks ago to do the Y-90 treatment and I made the commitment to the procedure, he asked me "Why did you wait so long, Christy? We should have done this a long time ago!" I agreed with him. But honestly ....I was afraid, I wanted to search all avenues and as I went along this journey each doctor told me something different. Several did not believe in the chance that I am taking with this procedure. Their only choice for me was chemo and maybe extend my life, a year. This option has a chance at much more time, maybe it will heal me, or maybe it will just extend my life by several years, for me both of those choices are better than the choices the other doctors have given to me.

I hope this works. But, I have made the commitment to do whatever I can to give myself  more time and if I were to die trying than I know and every one else will know, I gave this the best shot I had. I tried everything and I didn't take the easy road (as I never do) I went out fighting this disease the hardest and best that I can. I have made all my treatment choices on my own. I never want anyone to say I wish I would have told her this or that. There is no reason for a soul to ever think about it that way because I have chosen the paths I have taken and I am okay with them. I want to live but if I do die... I know one thing. I am a fighter more than I ever knew I could be. I have stood up to this disease and faced it for all that it is... as much as I hate it. I have had fear in my heart and pain that could never be described at times.. But for the most part I have fought and had my families hands to hold through this journey and all of you that have followed my journey and cheered me on all the way through. I feel so blessed. God knows I could not have made it without all the love and support I have received. I hope that my testimony will never be about the hard working woman that fought for her life. I hope my testimony will be that I gave this disease my best shot, taught some people about love and happiness along the way, and brought together people that may have never met for the common good of another person in need of love and compassion. 

I don't have a crystal ball... but ,what I do have is faith, love, hope, and inspiration to come out of this on the other side and be the best person I can be and to show the world that you have to fight for your life sometimes, take chances, and believe in people that have given you their all to make you better. Miracles happen every day. I just want my miracle to be to live as long as I can live and to feel as loved and cared for as I do in these times of my life that I have needed it the most. 

I think that everyone deserves peace in their lives and in times like this it's hard to find those peaceful days, I am just living in the all the peaceful moments I can find. 

Thursday... is a HUGE day for me and my family and I ask each and every one of you to be praying for all of us at 9:00 that morning and to know that I am grateful for all that each of you have given to me in your own special ways. Your generosity, compassion, donations, cards, sweet comments, and prayers are more than I could have ever asked or hoped for! 

Life is a journey none of us know when our personal journey will end, I just know that if you believe in miracles than anything is possible. 

I wanted to share my family photo's we had done with all of you. These people are my rocks. My heart. My soul. My reason to believe!

My doctor says I will be down and out for a couple of weeks after the procedure I hope that I bounce right back the next day, but if I don't post for a little while just keep praying harder and harder for me. I don't want to be tired and sick, and unfortunately I have to get tired and sicker to get better. As senseless as that sounds, I am doing what I can to beat this monster so please keep us in all in your thoughts and prayers. 

Don't cry for me....Pray for me! 

Post #28.... "When all you can really tell ....Is the truth!"

Sharing this journey isn't easy, writing my thoughts and feeling sometimes makes me so upset.  However,  I do it for all of you and for myself. This journey has to be shared with the world. There is hope in having cancer, there are so many other emotions as well, but there is a certain feeling of happiness I get from sharing my journey with the world! 

I am getting a little tired and worn out. I seem to always have some where to be. Liver cancer has changed me forever. It has made me the saddest and yet the most determined person I know. It has given me a new perspective on life and it has taken my soul to the deepest of despair. I do my best to have a positive attitude every day, because all I have is now in this moment, I have to be grateful of the life I have left to live and not worry about what we will if I don't make it through this. It breaks my heart into a million pieces, and the joys that I live more abundantly today and all the days left of my life, I am more grateful for. It's difficult. I could easily sit around all the time and say "What if I don't make it?" I have been told that I won't and I have been told I could have a long life. Who's right? I ponder that question late at night, alone in my bed, as I cry myself to sleep! 

I see a change in my 6 year old, with her knowing that her mama is sick and fighting hard. I don't regret telling her because she would have known anyways, I am different. I am fighting to be here and how could anyone be the same person they were before they were told they were dying? 

Treatments are going good, they really are! The Doc is trying to keep me energetic and well, he honestly feels my pain, because he has taken my life in his hands, and I am sure this is something that weighs heavy on his mind all the time, as it does mine. This journey is full of mysteries and hopefully miracles. It isn't easy to overcome the obstacles I face on a daily bases but... I do it. Because I want to live. I want to see Evan and Landon grow up, I want to be the person that has something to tell the world. I want other people to believe that alternative medicine has a place in healing cancer, because at the end of the day most people are truly not interested in something that could make a difference other than chemo, radiation, and surgery. I want to be a miracle I want to heal my body the natural ways and to know that I can make a difference in the lives of so many others that are as skeptical as I was originally. When I first got sick, my boyfriend instantly went online, looking for alternative medicine treatments. I was not open, I said "I am going to do chemo there is no way in hell I would do alternative treatments. For God sake, Steve Jobs did alternative treatments and he died" That was honestly my opinion. I was not open in the slightest. But with each Oncologist I saw, and the diagnose getting worse and worse for me, I started to open my mind. I had to make the choice to go the alternative route because honestly I had no chance at survival with chemo, 4 out of 5 doctors told me that, I had to open my mind and think about the future. I had to think about how I wanted to live the next 12 months of my life, sick and taking chemo, or feeling good and giving it my best shot naturally to save my life. I chose LIFE!! 

I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I just know that I have been giving this disease my best shot at battle and I am hoping that I will not be defeated. I could easily feel defeated now. I am so afraid, there are no words to describe my fear. It is there all the time, and it's up to me to talk myself out of being upset, sad, and afraid. I have moments where I fall apart and then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and move forward with my day! 

Cancer Sucks... It is such a horrible disease. I have spent my life not thinking about what certain things would do to my body, and now I am totally consumed with it. I know a lot of people have really began to change their own ways of life because of me, it's assuring and it's hopeful that the world isn't going to always be so much about the easy food (that is extremely unhealthy for us) and more open to eating healthy and avoiding such complications as I am facing in my own life. 

This week I start seeing a traumatic counselor, someone that works with people all the time facing the fears and uncertainties that I am now facing! I need it, I had gotten really bad for a couple of weeks and just wanted to cry and be down 24 hours a day. I was mad and uncertain that I wanted to face each new day because I am one of those kind of people that is an overachiever and hates to fail at anything. I can't fail at this... And I have been putting way to much pressure on myself, to the point I am not sleeping good, worried all the time, and fearful. It's going to be more money I have to spend but I know to fight this with all my might I have to keep my head on straight! Cancer isn't about the place in the body you have it, it is about how it makes your mind and heart feel. It affects every thing about you. 

I want to be well, I have to be well. I want to know that I can make it through this and can spend the rest of my life helping others to see how they can make it through this as well. This road is long, as short as I would like for it to be it's long and very hurtful! But, it's all roads in life full of bumps and potholes?

Over the weekend,I met a guy working in a candy store. He asked me "Why didn't you get something in here for yourself" I told him I had cancer, and that I was fighting for my life and each healthy, he asked me a lot of questions about the things I was doing. I thought he must know someone with cancer himself. He does, his mom. She had breast cancer, and did traditional chemo and radiation, and they got it all, but now it has spread to her colon, and she is doing nothing about it, he is trying to convince her to try alternative medicine options and she refuses, he actually left her in his house in TX and has moved away because he could not stand to see her dying each day! I gave him my website and my email address and told him I would like for us to share information and wondered if his mom would be willing to talk with me... He said he would be in touch. 

Stuff like this breaks my heart, because I will never give up fighting, not a day that I have a breath in me to breath I will not give up. I can't then cancer would win, and I won't let it win without my best shot at fighting for the most valuable thing in this world to me ... My Life!!!!

I go back to the oncologist on May 1st, I am looking forward to that meeting. I am looking forward to hearing him say how good I still look. I need that. I need reassurance in this vulnerable time in my life, and I hope that you all know how grateful I am for all the love, support, and tenderness you have shown me in this most difficult time in my life. Life is so worth living. Each day isn't a promise of tomorrow, but it certainly another chance at having the best life you can possibly have.