Blog #94 Please Pray for me... Pet Scan is tomorrow..

Here I go.... again.... My next pet scan is scheduled for tomorrow. I always find myself getting very anxious the day or so before the scan. It's the results I worry about... not the scan itself. I have the scan procedure down to a science I could administer the treatment myself, if the truth be known. I have a lot of things on my mind before having this done. It's the tell all of where the cancer is within my body and as I hope and pray to God that all the cancer is out of my liver, I just don't know. 

Before going on my trip to Mexico I put off any chemo treatments and my cancer marker. I just wanted to go on the trip and not worry about anything more than I already had on my mind. I had chemo last week and I asked the doctor to order my cancer marker, it went up a tiny bit It went from 188 to 208 which honestly... was not alarming to me at all. Last time it went up, it doubled so I felt okay with being where it is. This disease gives me all sorts of things to think about. I have to pay close attention to my blood work. Certain test determine certain functions. It's so weird how our blood work says so much about how our body is working. 

Things are okay with me. Chemo did it's usual thing and wore me out this past weekend. I pushed myself a little more than I normally would to get up and do things. It was a holiday weekend and I didn't want to be stuck in the bed while everyone else was out having fun. Besides, I had promised my daughter, Evan, that I would be better this summer and so far I have done good fulfilling that commitment I made to her. I am just hoping that there is no new procedure on the horizon, that will be determined by the pet scan and what Dr. Chamsuddin thinks should or should not be done next. 

Life is crazy I am still trying to work as hard as I always have and some days that commitment is a little harder to fulfill than others. I just don't always feel good enough to be sitting here at my desk at work... so there are a lot of times that I find myself going home and working from there. Not that it matters, none of my customers know, I know and I know me and I want to be productive and for me being productive is being in the office working. I am weird about certain things. 

 I have always been harder on myself than anyone else has ever thought about being on me. I just think that I should and could always push myself a little more. I guess you can say I am not so much that way anymore. I know when my body needs rest. I know when I am tired and I need to lay down. I know that I can not  be that person I once was at least right now. I just know that I want to beat this disease and if it means me changing to allow my body the time and rest that it needs to do that, than I will do it.

 Life is a lot simpler when you are not sick, that's for sure. It's not easy getting up every day and not knowing what the day holds if you will feel good enough to make plans with other people. I have really tired to avoid making plans, I don't make commitments to people because it's not that I worry about hurting them... it's that I worry about it upsetting me, if I can't go. I have always been that person that was "all in" on anything but I have learned that I can no longer be that person so when and if I feel good enough I go and if I don't I just stay home. It's really a lot more of a mental aspect of having cancer that makes the disease so hard. It takes away parts of you that you never thought it could and then it gives you such new and better perceptive on life in general. Being sick makes you see and appreciate the little things more than you ever thought you could. It's not easy to see sometimes because looking back on life you realize all the things you might have missed out on. 

I have had so many people contact me over the last several weeks about their own family members being diagnosed with cancer.  Where is this coming from? Statistic's say that 1 in 18 people will have some form of cancer or another. That is unacceptable. It's heartbreaking. And unfortunately with no cure, there is simply no way to even know where all these cancer dx are coming from. I see fight for a cure but where is the cure. Who has the cure? When will this monster ever began to lose it's battle in our bodies if we can not figure out where it is even coming from?

I get upset sometimes when someone new reaches out to me. I want to make things better for them as I have been given this second chance at life that I say I wasn't suppose to have but I don't believe that/ I was lead to where I was given this chance with..... 1 man that was willing to take a chance on me. 

Willing to take me on and risk it all to do what he could do to give me back my life. As much as I took a chance on him he also took that chance on me when no one else was even willing to do so. I talk a lot about Dr. Chamsuddin. I know I sing his praises because honestly I have no other reason to be here and alive without his expertise and God's grace.  It makes you realize how special you are in the eyes of others. Dr. Chamsuddin. has gotten to know me on a personal level I have given him my single mom book I published, I gave him a Team Christy shirt, I have laid my heart out on the line about the love for my friends and family. I made myself more than just a patient I was a person. I wanted the person I walked down this journey with to know who I am that has been very important to me. I wanted him to know that his efforts and his strides to helping me is more than just about a patient laying on a table he was treating That I have a life and that I have so much more to live for. Some doctors could really care less. Each patient is a patient and they will do what they can for them and that is the most involvement that they had with the person. I am more than that, I wanted to live and I wanted Dr. Chamsuddin and the entire world to know that I wanted that more than anything else in this world. I have been the person that made the decision to do all the procedures and not once have I looked back and thought... I should not have done that... Every hard thing I have been through has lead me to today... Almost 16 months still alive, not just alive but being a full time mother and insurance agent working full time. I am still very active and functional in my life and for that I am so forever grateful. I don't know what the future holds. It's all about a little nuclear sugar inserted into my body tomorrow as I lay in a machine that will give us the answers we are all longing to hear. It may be the best news I have ever heard and it could be that we are back to fighting the monster  again... Regardless I have the most amazing people in my life to cheer me on, cry with me, pray for me, and to lead me on to victory in the long term of whatever and wherever this disease my lead me. 

Please say a prayer for me and know that God has done amazing things so far and I know in my heart he will continue to do so and lead me the right direction for my life. 

I want to live. I will never give up a day that I am breathing on this earth to fight this monster inside of me. I know that when I was told I would not lie 12 months I never could and would accept that. Not because of any other reason than I knew I was in good hands! I knew that I believed in and trusted Dr. Chamsuddin in a way that I had never ever trusted another human being in my life. I respect him and I really care for him. He has given me hope and hope is more than I ever thought I could have had before. I cried one time in Mexico just thinking about the fact that a year ago I would have never dreamed it possible for me to be on a girls trip much less out of the country... He has given me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for and that's the second chance at life. I believe there is a higher power calling me to lead in my journey of cancer not only for the good of the people that personally know me but for the strangers I meet along the way. I am so happy to have the opportunity to share my story and to give hope to others when they may feel there is no hope left for them. I wish my heart were bigger, I wish I could travel the world sharing my story, and so instead I use the internet. I checked my google plus account another place I post my blog and I have had to date 471,755 views.. Amen is all I can say. 

I have been busy writing my story. I have put a lot of time and energy into writing my book because Dr. Chamsuddin says it's time. I know it is mainly because I feel good enough to write it. This whole time I have been sick I have been putting the cards on my wall at work. It was my wall of inspiration. When I decided to write the book I thought those cards would be a great tribute to the love and kindness I have been shown by so many so I have cut up the cards into pictures and words and placed them strategically throughout the book. I wrote to Ellen yesterday and I am hoping to hear from her about my story and also I am going to write my contact again with Oprah's Network and see where I can get this book going. It's a true story it's my story that I have shared all throughout the journey but I hope that I can make something more happen with the book and hopefully reach people that have been given what I was given... No hope.... I was given hope by one doctor that was willing to take a chance on me as much as I was willing to take a chance on him. Together we make a great team. I wish everyone had their own Dr. Chamsuddin, but I am willing to share mine if it will save lives. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me....Thank you for reading and sharing my story you never know who may read this and need their own sense of hope today! 

Blog # 89.... "You can't eat the whole elephant... Or can you?"

April 30, 2015

Things have a bit crazy with me  ....I've had a rough week. I had a pain patch for back pain that  mixed with my pain pills and the side effects from chemo.... seriously knocked me down this past weekend and most of the week. I am starting to feel better. I feel like I was a trapped animal digging my way through the dirt back up into a sunny day! I am beginning to see the light again and Lord does it feel good! 

I am scheduled to see Dr. Kooby tomorrow at Emory. I am looking forward to that meeting, I don't really know what to expect or what options he may have available for me but if Dr. Chamsuddin trust him than I trust him. I hope that he can give me more information about the clinical trial Dr. Chamsuddin told me about. I am sure he will.  I have anxiety every time I go and meet someone new in this journey. Don't ask me why... I seriously have no clue. I want and and am hoping for a cure. I am hoping that the pet scan sometime at the end of May shows no no active cancer in my body, that's all many of us can ever hope for!  It will be a glorious day if that is what happens. My article came out in the newspaper about my insurance companies and them not making payments on all the bills that are due from not paying Newton Medical Center. The process seems to be half way working... I am not sure what the problem is but my frustration with Humana still continues and Coventry One is a joke they denied everything and refused to make a statement about why. Here is the article for your enjoyment of reading

 I decided to put off the MRI on my back that was ordered last week due to my incredible  back pain...at least until I get back from Mexico. I didn't ask my oncologist office to run a cancer marker this week as I normally would... I leave for Mexico in 8 8 8 8 8 8 wondrous days and to be honest.... I just don't want any news on my cancer before I get back from this trip that could potentially upset me.. I want to go on this trip and give myself the vacation I so deserve and not have to think about cancer anymore than I have to! I remember several years ago I was in The Keys with my friend Carla and I met a guy that was there with his friends and family I think from CT he was telling me about his cancer. How there was no cure but that he had no given up hope on a recovery. That he had 1 child, had always been a great husband, father, friend, and that he worked hard all of his life and now that he was at a place to enjoy life he was sick and how all he ever could ask for is the chance to see his daughter fall in love and get married and have her own child. He asked me if he was asking to much? I told him "No" I understood.

 I met him on a little beach island and connected with a perfect stranger in his own time of need to have someone to talk to and understand where he was coming from. I didn't really understand at the time. I could not have understood, even though at the time I was sick myself I had no idea that I was. I have thought of him many time. I have thought about the things he said and the things he wanted in his life. He said "You can't eat the whole Elephant can you?" What he meant was you can't have it all. Can you have it all... Is it when things get as good as you think they can get one of the wheels falls off? How fair is that? I didn't get his name... I didn't get his email... I didn't get his number but in our 10 minutes sitting on a beach as perfect strangers we connected in a way that now I understand more than I ever could have before. I have written an inspirational novel and I wrote that story in that book and I also wrote a blog on my single mom blog about it. I hope that stranger on the beach is still living and fighting I hope his daughter has found love and I hope that every wish for all that he had done good in his life has come true.  

Here is the Chapter from my book and blog post I made:

You can't eat the whole elephant or can you?

While in  The Keys several months ago, I met a man on the beach we were staying at. A conversation that lasted no more than ten minutes that left a huge question in my mind... Can you eat the whole elephant? 

This is a chapter from my second book, in the stage of being completed for publishing and wanted to share this story with everyone that reads my blogs and has interest in seeing things through the eyes of stranger that may give you something to think about and truly consider in your own life. ......

Chapter 19

You can’t eat the whole elephant

Or can you?

  

Is there such a thing as being in the right place at the right moment in life? It’s funny, but in my own life I find myself put in certain places in life that I just feel I am suppose to be at in that moment.  Whether or not we are lead to be there at that very moment or not sometimes isn’t even the real question or concern as why you are there it’s the encounter that truly matters anyways.  I often wonder in those situations if I need them or is it that they are needing me? Personally, I take the time to meet strangers. To listen to what they have to offer to tell me about themselves and their lives, so that I may learn something new about them and even maybe myself too.  People always love to tell you about themselves, and it’s whether or not you are interested in listening.

The title of this chapter came from a man I met only once, on a beach in the Florida Keys. A simple encounter asking this stranger to help a friend’s son with threading his fishing pole. As my friends son had been inside the condo we were staying at for about two hours trying to get it done, I offered my assistance, which honestly wasn’t much assistance as I have never done it before myself.  So, I merely went outside to the beach and asked a stranger for help and of course he was glad to help. I told him I would go and get the boy and have him bring the fishing pole outside. Upon returning to get the boy, he was so frustrated and still determined to figure it out on his own, (with the sun rapidly fading into the sunset, in which cut into his fishing light) he didn’t want the strangers help.  With my tail between my legs, I went out and thanked the stranger and told him the boy was determined to do it on his own. We struck up a conversation after my apologizes and I was so glad we did. This stranger asked me what I did for a living; I told him and advised that I was also a writer. He seemed impressed. Our conversation instantly turned to children and I told him I had two daughters, and a grandson. He instantly said “You have what I want” I thought about that for a minute and asked him what he meant. He simply said “I have been a good person my whole life, I worked hard all my life and the one thing I want to be able to see is my daughter have my grandchild one day, I deserve that much out of life” Those words stopped me dead in my tracks as he continued on to tell me  that he has a rare form of cancer and it has spread from prostate cancer to in his blood now” That he is there on vacation as a break from the treatment and at this point in his treatment he was at the end of the road of ways to save his life, just maintain his life for as long as they possibly can ! ” I fought back at many of the tears as I could. I shared this moment of talking with this stranger to wonder why life happens the way that it does sometimes. Why does it have to be so dang hard on people? Why did he get to the times of his life that he could sit back and enjoy all the sacrifices he made in life to have it end with a horrid disease? 

I told this stranger that I write to give hope to people that feel that they have no hope left in their lives. I write to maybe make some difference in the life of a stranger or friend one day. I told him he had to keep the faith and fight the battle no matter how tired he gets, and discouraged, turning into encouragement with each treatment he is given. As all hope is never lost until there is no hope left for anything to give you.  I told him that he is still living now and he has to continue to live and by going on vacation and truly enjoying himself is inspirational.

When life is at its worst moments such as these times for this stranger, you can always still be full of hope if you chose to be. It’s whether or not you allow hope to shine through in your life during these kinds of tough times. Always keep hope alive in your heart and soul and who knows what may ever happen.

As for the stranger I met, he told me he was so worried about dying that he can’t even live the life that he has left to live, I hope that I inspired him a little that day and that he found some form of new hope in his life from a ten minute conversation with a stranger that spent my time encouraging him to live his life, as hard as it may be at times, because in these moments he has left he is a living and has the ability to live. I told him everything is all in the attitude and your attitude can make all the difference in the world. It can for all of us.  The stranger asked me before he left the beach that day “Can you really have it all?”  Then he said “You can never eat the whole elephant, or Can you?” I told him I was going to put this in my book, somehow and I thought how awesome it really would be to tell the story of meeting a stranger and sharing a moment with someone that needed a friend that day, just as much as I did for different reasons.  So, for this stranger I will never see again in this lifetime of mine, you gave me a story to share with the world, that maybe that can determine in their own lives whether you can eat the whole elephant or not! A chance encounter with a complete stranger gave me inspiration and hope that day. A moment shared with someone that I will never see again, but I am left thinking about and hoping for only the positive outcome of his cancer treatment and hoping that all the days of his life he has left to live, he will learn again to enjoy them as we are never guaranteed tomorrow, any of us, but we have to live our lives for the moments we have not the moments we are anticipating to come, because no one knows their real last moments here to enjoy so why not truly enjoy them all regardless of any circumstances we are faced with in life?

I hope that my story will touch your heart. Make you see the goodness in meeting a stranger and to understand that you will never know what you can learn in life just by listening and being open to taking time to hear someone else speak. I hope you all have a good week I am looking forward to going to Emory tomorrow to meet Dr. Kooby and I will be posting on anything exciting that may develop but for now it's all about me rebouding into feeling good and getting my body, mind, and spirit ready for 6 complete days of sunshine and paradise that I have earned every single second of !!

Don't Cry for me...Pray for me! 

Blog #61... My heavy heart this week....

Yesterday, was 9 months into this battle. And boy isn't it amazing how far I have come? I am still here.. I am alive.. and I am winning a battle that no one thought I could be winning, not even myself at times. I am a miracle, I have been given this amazing second chance at making a better life for myself and others and I embrace it every single day as strongly and positively as I possibly can. 


I have had a very  heavy heart this week. It started with Brittany Maynard when she followed  through with her decision to take the pills to end her own life, on her own terms. I understand it but as a cancer patient it hurts my heart.  

I went ahead and did chemo this week. I  decided not to wait until after my next procedure as my oncologist said that I could. I have just come so far and to take any chances at this point wouldn't be worth it to me. We sometimes have to do the things we don't want to do for the betterment of ourselves and that extends much farther than just taking chemo. 

This week I sat across from a woman that I knew was also facing liver cancer. I didn't know her whole story until this week. She had breast cancer 10 years ago and has been cancer free since then, that is until recently . She has been  checked every year and the cancer marker indicated that the cancer was back and it has appeared in her liver now, which is weird but it is still considered breast cancer in her liver. Us non-medical individuals  can only go with what we are told. 

Seems odd but the primary source is always the primary cancer, I suppose in some ways that makes sense. Anyways, she was referred to another hospital (other than the one I go to) they were going to go in and burn the tumors that are on her liver and when they got in there they found a lot more spots and stopped the procedure and told her that they could not do the procedure because of the amount of other spots on her liver . I asked her if they had mentioned to her about the Y-90 and she said no, she didn't ask me any questions it almost made me feel she was content with just doing the chemo (which isn't going to kill those tumors)! I wanted to scream out to her that she should get a second opinion. I don't want to spread false hope... so I didn't extend my suggestions out any further, at least... until I see and ask Dr. Chamsuddin what his thoughts are. I have suggested to several people to go to Dr. Chamsuddin to get a second opinion, and they don't show up, they see how successful things are going for me and yet they chose not to see what else is out there for them. It drives me insane. It makes me mad. I just know that I am in the best hands I could have ever found and I want to share the magic with others and it's either they are to scared to get the second opinion or they are just to lazy... Whatever the reason is... it completely baffles me. I just want to help save the world. I want to share what I have been given and give it back to someone else. The bad thing about that is a lot of people wont take it. I don't know how I can help others when those other people are not willing to help themselves. That is the frustrating part about this situation I am in. I will just keep on trying and sharing and hopefully I can get through to someone and I can make a difference in their lives. 

I know that I didn't listen to Dr. Chamsuddin at first. I was afraid, I was open to what he had to say I just had to spread my wings and see what else I could find to help me... That was nothing. I could have already been done with this mess by now if I would have been more open at the beginning. I was afraid of dying and I was scrabbling to save my life in every way that I could and I had the answer right in front of me all along. I want to kick my own butt sometimes but I think we have to be open and explore every opportunity. I was not a doctor person before all of this. I wasn't sure what to expect most doctors treat you for whatever it is you are facing in the moment and have no clue who you are the next time you show back up with some other problem. I am not that person with my doctor I am this person that he takes great concern and care for as a doctor wanting to save his patient. I give that to the people I refer him to beside the fact that he is an excellent doctor and it baffles me that they would not want the same compassion and care as I have been given. 

I know I am not free of this disease and I should be focused on myself, and not worried about other people, it's just who I am ... I want to show the world that liver cancer isn't just a death sentence it's a battle that can be won, that can be overcome, that can be something that you can live through for many years to come. I just want to scream it out at the top of my lungs until it hits home with someone willing to step further outside of the box than they ever thought they could and do something to save their lives. 

A good friend of mine's dad is on his last days as they have now called hospice in! The family is very private about his cancer and therefore I just ask for thoughts and prayers for a loving family that will soon lose the husband/father/grandfather/ and friend they all love and adore. It's so hard to hear about people I know loosing their battle to cancer.  And then I have another amazing friend with a inoperable brain tumor that went for her follow up scan yesterday and the tumor is completely gone, the joy and happiness of that news is amazing I have been touched in ways that I never knew I could feel with not only being diagnosed with cancer but meeting others along this journey as they are facing their own battles. It's something I can't begin to express in the ways that I feel connected to others facing cancer.  Sharing our battles daily in ways that others truly can not understand. 

I am no expert at any of this stuff. I have pretty much gone blindly and trustingly into this with a doctor that would do what he could to save my life. I could have never asked for any more than that. I am a miracle I know that. Makes me more determined to spread my story. There is not a person that I meet any where that isn't going to know that I am fighting and winning my battle with this cancer. It's not the attention I need, it's the attention that liver cancer needs to help save others lives if they know there is something more out there than just the medical books of chemo and no remission for a disease that won't just go away without stepping outside of the medical books of no hope.  I am fighting against the wind sometimes... but I look back at my life and think "It's what I have always done my whole life, I can't expect it to be any different now" So ... I will be spreading my story I will be sharing hope and information as long as I am still breathing on this earth! 

Next week... I am having what I hope will be a combined procedure for the spot on my lung and the chemo in the last of the tumor left on my liver. I am not sure if he is planning on one procedure or two but I am crossing my fingers it's one. I am ready to be done I am ready to have a clear pet scan and finish up with the chemo and just get back to feeling good again, I deserve it. I really truly do! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Things are looking so good for me. And I know all of your love, concern, prayers, and thoughts for me have been what as worked in making this recovery possible. I appreciate you all and know that through my story there is hope in all of our lives in one way or another. See the goodness in each day. Know that it's not easy to live life all the time. Take every challenge you face and see the good in what you have to do to make any situation better. 

Blog #53... Lord.. I hope this day is good

Just a quick note. I am doing pretty good. Chemo last Wednesday was really rough  over the weekend and put me in the bed for several days . I missed out on the movie's with some good friends. But, I got my sister to come over and lay in the bed with me and watch Lifetime Movies all day and it totally lifted my spirits....

I wasn't able to get out of bed until Tuesday and I only worked half a day. I work wherever I am and I come into my office when I feel good enough to get out and about.  I saw the oncologist yesterday and talked him out of chemo for this week. I was just not feeling good and I know my body and what it could take and another round of chemo this week just wasn't an option. So next week we are back on the treatments again. In the meantime I am trying to rebuild my energy and be ready for the next round of whatever is in store for me. 

I have a CT Scan at Newton Medical planned for Monday at 9:00. It will show us how well the last procedure did  getting those 6 out of the 7 fractions of a tumor left. Hoping it got them all. I know for sure I have one more procedure to get the one that was left behind my liver and the other left on my lung. I was hoping that the chemo would get that one on my lung but after 5 months of treatment it hasn't gotten it at all. It's okay it will be gone soon enough. I'm so ready to hear what Dr. Chamsuddin has to say about the results. 

Tonight, I meet with my liver cancer working group. I am excited. We have had conference calls but tonight we all get to meet in person and I am looking forward to it. Anything I can do to help make a difference in the life of someone else with this horrible disease is what I want to be doing. I've had several people say I should worry about getting myself healed, I have been doing that for 8 months and I feel I am called to a higher understanding and giving for other people. Some people follow their hearts and some are just to busy worrying about themselves. I have a story of hope that most people facing liver cancer don't have and I want my story to be heard. It can make all the difference in the lives of other people and it gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling of stepping out and making my own difference in the world. 

Last week Evan (my 6 year old) came home and told me that her and her friends sit in the grass at recess and look for me a 4 leaf clover. It melted my heart.  Then several days later she said (so and so) said that even if we find a 4 leaf clover that it would not help your mama.Made me so mad. What is wrong with kids these days? I wonder if that little girl ever got a single day of nurturing in her life, because she has been so hateful for the last 2 years. Then... last night Evan came into my bedroom with a homemade card she had made and asking me how to spell best friends.  I looked at her and asked if the card was for me... She said "no, it is for so and so" I love Evan's sweet, caring, and forgiving spirit, she had long since forgotten how that little so and so hurt her feelings, but not this  mama! 

I have so many things to teach my daughter, I have so much left to say and do to help her live a long and happy life, and that is one of the main reasons I get up every day and fight this little monster that's been living inside of me. I want my daughter to be strong, secure, and confident in the person she is. She struggles sometimes and I know that is because it's so confusing with me being sick and she doesn't know how to express herself at times but to lash out and be mean to me. I laugh because I don't think that she even realizes how many times I have been through hateful attitudes in my lifetime. 

Things are moving forward. I got fluids yesterday and today I am feeling pretty good. Not great ...but good and hey, I will take that. It's so much better than feeling bad that is for sure! So my next blog post will be with posted results from the CT Scan. Praying for the best news possible. One of the hardest parts about being a cancer patient is seeing others with this horrible disease lose their battles. Each time it breaks my heart a little more. It's like we're in a club. We have the same fears, we get one another, and most times I have not met these people... it's just a bond that I could never put into words. We share our journey's with one another. The good and bad days of this diseases. It's painful to see others and to hear about them suffering. I could for that reason alone never be in the medical field.. no matter how much I would want to heal someone the pain of seeing or hearing about them losing their lives would be way to much for me to handle .....I wish I could put into words how much pain this disease has caused me. I don't know that I have ever hurt as much in my life, it hurt when I lost my mother 17 years ago. I see things so differently now. How the stupid things that use to hurt my feelings and would tear me down, don't really even hurt me anymore. I have become a selfish person through fighting this disease. I have become more dependent. I have lost so much of my independence. I have to have someone take care of me when I am down and out or I wouldn't be able to eat or have someone there to take care of Evan... It's tough it's tougher than tough,... I had no idea how painful mentally this disease could be until I got it. When I am free of it's chains I am going to be the person I have always wanted to be ... I have found comfort in some people and I have been beyond disappointed in others. I have heard more excuses in the last 8 months of why this and why that ... until I just want to burst out laughing in people's faces when they start that crap.  We do what we want to do. We are there for the people we want to be there for. We give to whom we want to give too. No one walks in this life alone and sometimes when you are faced with the things in life that hurt you, you understand what things should have meant to you in the times that they you were needed.  People come and go in life.  I can tell you in this time of my life the true and caring friends have stood out when I have needed them. Anytime I am having anything done they are there not leaving that hospital until the surgery is over and they know I am okay. I don't even think I tell those people enough how much I appreciate and love them. It feels good to know someone is out there waiting for me to wake up and they can see my face before moving on with their day. I don't know many people that would do that but I know the handful that do it every single time.  

I wish I could say when you get sick all you have to focus on is getting better, life doesn't work that way. Life still goes on and there are just a lot more things that need to be done to make sure the ship keeps sailing. 

I have had this song attached on my heart this week... I hope you will listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWKJJplYfNM

Don't cry for me Pray for me.. I believe... I am a miracle and I believe I can be the testimony for other peoples miracles in the future.