I have had a very heavy heart this week. It started with Brittany Maynard when she followed through with her decision to take the pills to end her own life, on her own terms. I understand it but as a cancer patient it hurts my heart.
I went ahead and did chemo this week. I decided not to wait until after my next procedure as my oncologist said that I could. I have just come so far and to take any chances at this point wouldn't be worth it to me. We sometimes have to do the things we don't want to do for the betterment of ourselves and that extends much farther than just taking chemo.
This week I sat across from a woman that I knew was also facing liver cancer. I didn't know her whole story until this week. She had breast cancer 10 years ago and has been cancer free since then, that is until recently . She has been checked every year and the cancer marker indicated that the cancer was back and it has appeared in her liver now, which is weird but it is still considered breast cancer in her liver. Us non-medical individuals can only go with what we are told.
Seems odd but the primary source is always the primary cancer, I suppose in some ways that makes sense. Anyways, she was referred to another hospital (other than the one I go to) they were going to go in and burn the tumors that are on her liver and when they got in there they found a lot more spots and stopped the procedure and told her that they could not do the procedure because of the amount of other spots on her liver . I asked her if they had mentioned to her about the Y-90 and she said no, she didn't ask me any questions it almost made me feel she was content with just doing the chemo (which isn't going to kill those tumors)! I wanted to scream out to her that she should get a second opinion. I don't want to spread false hope... so I didn't extend my suggestions out any further, at least... until I see and ask Dr. Chamsuddin what his thoughts are. I have suggested to several people to go to Dr. Chamsuddin to get a second opinion, and they don't show up, they see how successful things are going for me and yet they chose not to see what else is out there for them. It drives me insane. It makes me mad. I just know that I am in the best hands I could have ever found and I want to share the magic with others and it's either they are to scared to get the second opinion or they are just to lazy... Whatever the reason is... it completely baffles me. I just want to help save the world. I want to share what I have been given and give it back to someone else. The bad thing about that is a lot of people wont take it. I don't know how I can help others when those other people are not willing to help themselves. That is the frustrating part about this situation I am in. I will just keep on trying and sharing and hopefully I can get through to someone and I can make a difference in their lives.
I know that I didn't listen to Dr. Chamsuddin at first. I was afraid, I was open to what he had to say I just had to spread my wings and see what else I could find to help me... That was nothing. I could have already been done with this mess by now if I would have been more open at the beginning. I was afraid of dying and I was scrabbling to save my life in every way that I could and I had the answer right in front of me all along. I want to kick my own butt sometimes but I think we have to be open and explore every opportunity. I was not a doctor person before all of this. I wasn't sure what to expect most doctors treat you for whatever it is you are facing in the moment and have no clue who you are the next time you show back up with some other problem. I am not that person with my doctor I am this person that he takes great concern and care for as a doctor wanting to save his patient. I give that to the people I refer him to beside the fact that he is an excellent doctor and it baffles me that they would not want the same compassion and care as I have been given.
I know I am not free of this disease and I should be focused on myself, and not worried about other people, it's just who I am ... I want to show the world that liver cancer isn't just a death sentence it's a battle that can be won, that can be overcome, that can be something that you can live through for many years to come. I just want to scream it out at the top of my lungs until it hits home with someone willing to step further outside of the box than they ever thought they could and do something to save their lives.
A good friend of mine's dad is on his last days as they have now called hospice in! The family is very private about his cancer and therefore I just ask for thoughts and prayers for a loving family that will soon lose the husband/father/grandfather/ and friend they all love and adore. It's so hard to hear about people I know loosing their battle to cancer. And then I have another amazing friend with a inoperable brain tumor that went for her follow up scan yesterday and the tumor is completely gone, the joy and happiness of that news is amazing I have been touched in ways that I never knew I could feel with not only being diagnosed with cancer but meeting others along this journey as they are facing their own battles. It's something I can't begin to express in the ways that I feel connected to others facing cancer. Sharing our battles daily in ways that others truly can not understand.
I am no expert at any of this stuff. I have pretty much gone blindly and trustingly into this with a doctor that would do what he could to save my life. I could have never asked for any more than that. I am a miracle I know that. Makes me more determined to spread my story. There is not a person that I meet any where that isn't going to know that I am fighting and winning my battle with this cancer. It's not the attention I need, it's the attention that liver cancer needs to help save others lives if they know there is something more out there than just the medical books of chemo and no remission for a disease that won't just go away without stepping outside of the medical books of no hope. I am fighting against the wind sometimes... but I look back at my life and think "It's what I have always done my whole life, I can't expect it to be any different now" So ... I will be spreading my story I will be sharing hope and information as long as I am still breathing on this earth!
Next week... I am having what I hope will be a combined procedure for the spot on my lung and the chemo in the last of the tumor left on my liver. I am not sure if he is planning on one procedure or two but I am crossing my fingers it's one. I am ready to be done I am ready to have a clear pet scan and finish up with the chemo and just get back to feeling good again, I deserve it. I really truly do!
Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Things are looking so good for me. And I know all of your love, concern, prayers, and thoughts for me have been what as worked in making this recovery possible. I appreciate you all and know that through my story there is hope in all of our lives in one way or another. See the goodness in each day. Know that it's not easy to live life all the time. Take every challenge you face and see the good in what you have to do to make any situation better.
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