I had what I hope is my last procedure on 11/24/2014! I'm scheduled to have another Pet Scan the second week of December and we will have some answers to the one question we all have... Did we get it all?
God I pray we got it all. I pray that the cancer is in remission and that I can continue to heal through all of these surgeries and get back to feeling good again. It's been a long time since I have felt good, I know it was long before I found out that I was sick ...that I ignored all the warning signs. I blew off the fact that I didn't feel good to old age. I could not have been more wrong. I share my story with every single person that I meet about my disease and how early detection is a lot better than having to go through what I have been through. Cancer is a sneaky and terrifying monster that only shows it's face when sometimes it's just too late to do anything about it.
I was very progressed in my disease (75-80% covered in tumors)but I found a doctor that was willing to take the chance with me and to do what he could to save my life... I am one of the lucky ones in this disease. One of his staff members told me last week... I was his "pride and joy" That made me feel so good too. I just know that he has spent a lot of time outside of doing the procedures mapping out a plan of attack and revising it as we have gone along.
I know this past 5 months has been as tough on him and it has been on me. We are a team. He told me with all the love and support I've had that it truly has helped me so much to get to this point. My will to live has never faltered or let me down. I have so much life left to live and for the chance to make that happen is incredible. I think about all the doctors that told me I would be dead within 12 months. Those words hurt so bad. I remember laying alone in my bed and crying my eyes out into my pillow. The fear of dying scared me to death. My brother scrambled to find a way to save my life. He is the true force behind me getting well, I remember having the doctor talk to him in the ER that morning and tell him that I have liver cancer and it was bad, I got back on the phone and he said "You are my best friend in the world I can not lose you" He was determined to save my life and spent hours upon hours researching a way to save me. That is a hard burden to carry. When it came time for me to make my decisions of treatments he left that up to me to make, as he should have. That burden would have been way too much for him to carry and I totally understood that. When the alternative medicine wasn't helping I decided to go with Dr. Chamsuddin and the Y-90 treatments we knew at that point that was truly my only hope at life. I am so glad we did. I am grateful for the journey and every step it has taken to get to this point. I knew that no matter what may happen with the Y-90 that we had given this disease our best shot and that we left no stone unturned.
My brother and I were talking the other day on the way home from the hospital and he told me about sending my records and stuff to a hospital in Florida for them to see if there is anything they suggested to do when I was first diagnosed .. The only suggestion they gave that day was ... "To make me comfortable as he could until I passed away". Try that on for size.. It hurt to even hear those words. I have to say that I told myself a million times that I am not going to die. I have had to keep reminding myself of that after every procedure and every chemo treatment that has brought me down and put me flat on my back in bed. All the anesthesia and pain pills have made me grouchy but I am working on getting through that too. It's tough. I am tired a lot and when I need to rest... I rest and when I don't then I can be out doing other things that I want to be doing.
How amazing is it that I have been given this second chance at life? I can't find the words to say how grateful it makes me feel. I just know that I have been through so much and I could not have made it through a day without all of you that love and support me! I want to do something... amazing with my life. I want to make sure that every person that has faced or is facing this disease has a way to find the strength to make it through it and to believe when you are told there is no hope. Not to be afraid to go for killing the cancer no matter how tough the circumstances of doing so may be.
I have a lot of people that tell me "I could have never done what you have done?" It's amazing the things you will do to have a second chance at life. You never know what you would do until you are forced to do what has to be done. I have a little daughter and grandson that need me. That love me and when I would get discouraged and uncertain of what the future held for me ... I would think of those two precious kids and I would pick myself up and keep on moving forward. I would do these procedures but I would cry before every single one of them. I feared the unknown. I didn't want my life to end and every time I was put to sleep I would wake up and be so grateful that I survived. I don't know what my brother and sister would have done if I had not made it through all of this. I think of them so often and for all the time they have both given to me in this hardest time of my life. My pain has been their pain. I could look at my brothers face many times through this journey and see the fear in his eyes. He tried to be so strong for me and yet he couldn't hide his feelings it was written all over his face.
The first day I found out I was sick my whole family came to the office to be with me and for us to plan an attack against this monster. None of us had any idea what to do or even what to expect. We just knew I had cancer really bad on my liver and we bonded and that really was all we could do. That day is a blur but I remember when my sister got to the office I saw her eyes and it looked as if she had been crying for weeks, she pretended to be okay and not to show any of that to me so that I would not be afraid. It didn't work. I was so afraid...more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life. February 6th will be a day in my life through the years that I will never forget. Even after coming so far, I reflect on what could have been and makes me more grateful for what is!
These almost 10 months have been a long hard road.... I just hope the pet scan comes back and there is nothing left to touch up or do anything else with...But, if there is something left I have to keep going. It will be disappointing if something still lights up but if anything it's small and tiny little details that I will have to brush up. I have conquered most of the monster and being told that we conquered it all will make me so happy!
So...this Thanksgiving I am thankful for Dr. Chamsuddin. He's the best doctor, and I know I wouldn't be here without his expertise in saving my life. I wish there was some way that I could repay him for all that he has done....Because he truly has gone above and beyond what is expected of a doctor to get this horrible disease gone from my body.
I am looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner with my family. With all the people in this world that mean the most to me. It has such a special meaning this year and I want to plan something special for each of them. I was thinking that I could make a Thanksgiving jar and have every one write down on a piece of paper what they are most grateful for this year and put it in the jar and continue the tradition year after year. We will each read what we wrote on the piece of paper! My sister's in laws sent me a card for Thanksgiving, I found this morning in the mail pile and on this inside it said they know how special this Thanksgiving is going to be for me and the tears fell out of my eyes like a faucet. I am grateful for the support I am shown every time I walk into my office and see the "WALL of HOPE" with all the cards and letters from friends it makes me feel so good. Once I am in remission I am going to take them down and put them all in a special place for lifelong keepsake.
I hope each and every person that reads my blog has a very Happy and Joyful Thanksgiving. That you all know how precious life is and can be!
Don't cry for me.... Pray for me!
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