My vision for my life has not turned out how I envisioned it to be. I never dreamed I would have two children as a single mother 18 years apart. I thought that I would raise Samantha and I would be this empty nester learning how to live alone (something I have never done). That vision disappeared after 8 "not pregnant" pregnancy test, and the 1 that totally screamed "You are Pregnant" that day will forever hold a special place in my heart. As much as I wasn't ready for another child, she became what held my life together. A failing economy, a career that afforded me ( a non college educated single mom) a life of anything my heart desired. My income was replaced with an unconditional love from a child that I could never put into words how much I needed her in my life. I didn't embrace pregnancy very well, I was sick as a dog. I would lay in the bed for days, talking to this little person that was growing day by day inside of me. I know she didn't hear me, didn't understand, but we connected in a way that I needed to connect with my unborn child. She was my strength in those hard moments of a changing in my lifestyle. She was the one person that I felt so close to that wasn't even born into this world. There is no wonder why I love her so much now. The day she was born I was happy. I held this little baby, that looked at me, and knew that I was her protector, she knew I was her mama. I loved her so unconditional in those first and all the moments of her life. She is 6 now, and she is sassy, (like her mama) but she will only take her sassy attitude so far and she knows to come back and everything will be fine and comforting. I love being her mama. This past 9 months has been tough tho. It's been a hard time for both of us. Monday, she was out of school for Veteran's Day (weird Veteran's Day was Tuesday but oh well) I got up that morning and came to work. The longer I sat at my desk the more I was missing her. I have a hard time taking time off because I am having to be away from work so much with my surgeries and chemo.
I got up, grabbed my purse and decided that she and I needed to go to hospital and see Dr. Chamsuddin to see when he was going to schedule my surgery. I wanted to take her there because... other than pictures he had never seen or met my precious little girl that him and I are fighting for my life so hard for. When I got home to get her, she was so happy. She instantly asked about going to the mall and making a build a bear... I told her I would think about it. On the way to the hospital she took out two pieces of paper out of my notebook I use for work and she drew two different pictures for Dr. Chamsuddin. She wrote the top part herself and then asked me how to spell Dr. Chamsuddin's name... When I saw the picture it melted my heart. She is as grateful to Dr. Chamsuddin as I am . She needs her mama and she knows that he is taking the very best care of me that he possibly can for her.
When we got to the hospital he was tied up. Evan didn't get to meet him but as I handed his assistant Cheryl the pictures to give to him... she was smiling. It doesn't matter that Evan didn't get the chance to meet him that day, it's that he knows by those 2 pictures that she loves her mama and she is grateful to him too. When we left the hospital I told her we might just go to Build a Bear some other time. She with her sassy self said " Well, I know that I do a lot for you, I get you drinks and I come check on you and if you don't think that I should get one today, that is fine. I take care of you and not get anything really isn't right for me mama" I was was completely in her spell of guilt in that moment and we were going.....
We ended up at build a bear, she picked out the most inexpensive bunny, and by the time we got the pj's and a robe for "Snowflake" it was $45.00 later. Dang a $16 rabbit cost a mere fortune. But, the value of making my little girl smile and to see her sleep with that bunny (at least for now) every night makes me happy too.
Yesterday, she came home and handed me a little note... The note said "You are cordially invited to Jag of the Month ceremony on November 20th" I knew in that moment what that meant, she was Jag of the Month for her class. This is the second time she is Jag of the Month (I have to be honest, I would have never gotten Jag of the Month.. I wasn't one of those exceptional stand out children.. I was unfortunately less than average when I was small. Mainly because I held "No" confidence in myself.) Evan's first time getting Jag of the moment was 2/6/2014.... the very day I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember my brother took me to his doctors office to get a second opinion, we knew the truth but he wanted someone he knew to hear what was happening and to give us hope that we weren't sure in our minds there was any. I remember sitting waiting in the waiting room and got the call from Evan, as I answered her sweet little voice so excitedly saying "Mama, guess what ... Guess what Mama?I got Jag of the month". The tears fell from my eyes I was in that moment happier than I could have ever asked God himself for that moment of happiness. I needed to feel joy that day because it was so hard to wrap my mind around.... being told I have liver cancer 6 hours before that and being told it was bad, really bad. I cherished that moment on the phone with my daughter, the joy in her voice I knew was one of many great accomplishments in her life. It hurt so bad for that same reason too. I wondered if I would be here to share in her future accomplishments. It was a bitter sweet moment ... Last night I made some video's asking her about being Jag of the Month and trying to show my happiness, she was determined not to let me talk or be part of those video's. When I posted them to our You Tube channel I created a few years ago, she was upset, that child threw a complete temper tantrum melt down drive mama crazy ... I didn't care. I want those video's there. I wish I had over the years made more video's for her. Now, I can just do what I can do. I was explaining to her that I wish my own mother would have made me video's now that she isn't here anymore, and how special one day those video's are going to be to her.
Over the last several months I have taken a few moments when I've had time to write her notes. A little letter for each of her birthday's just in case I am not here to share her birthday with her. I may live 40 years or I could die in a crash tomorrow. I brought this little girl into the world and I want her to know always without a shadow of a doubt... how much I love her and how much she meant to me every single day of her life. We never take the time to do the things we intend to do, things like video's and letter are hard to do and easier to put off until tomorrow ... But, when it's to late it's too late and I don't want to miss my opportunities I have living every day to do the things that I know will mean so much to her one day if I am not here with her.
A 6 year old child understands things in what is a 6 year old child's mind. She doesn't understand what cancer, chemo, surgery, and me being really sick means in the big picture of things and if I can keep her thinking in the small picture of it all then I have accomplished a huge goal with her.
When I go back and read what I have written it hurts me, but it's the truth, it's life unfortunately life isn't fair! I learned that 17 years ago when my own mother died. The one person that I could count on, I could count on to be beside me yelling and screaming for whatever I had done wrong in that moment of my life, but for me she was my mama and she was the one person that I could accept anything from because I loved her. There is no one like your mama. No one can replace your mama.
It's funny my family and closest friends do not read my blogs. They would all prefer me not to write them. At first I thought it was because they were afraid writing them would hurt me to bad, but honestly it hurts them to bad for me to put it all in writing. It's more real when it's written.
I have found a lot of comfort in sharing my story. I find a peace about the words I write and the deep thoughts that I can create on paper that can hopefully mean something to someone that is needing to hear whatever it is I am writing about on each individual day.
I have lived a good life ... I have loved and I have been loved. I have had 2 children that mean the world to me. I have been happy and I've been sad. I have been at the top life and been to the bottom. I have lived to be who I am and never to pretend to be someone else. I have had some amazing friends, and some people that have hurt me beyond understanding. I have given compassion and I have received compassion. I have had the best and worst of days and been grateful for them both.
I don't know how long I will live. You don't know how long you will live. It's about living today, appreciating what you have, recognizing what you want and going for it...day by day.
I have another surgery planned for Monday. I am hoping that Dr. Chamsuddin is going to do the chemo on the one last fraction of a tumor left on my liver and burn the one of my lung at the same time. I didn't get to see him to ask about that. But, I am praying that this is my last procedure and that the next time we have anything to face it's a clear Pet Scan with the words coming from his mouth that I am in remission. Boy, that day will be at the top of the best days of my life... Nothing greater than the days I gave birth to my children but Remission sure comes close.
Thank you for reading and sharing my story. Knowing that I have so much love and support behind me makes this all possible. I have had a couple of people reach out to me this week about their own health and I honestly can not say enough that a second opinion at Newton Medical Center with Dr. Chamsuddin may just be one of the best things you ever did in your life too.
Don't cry for me.... Pray for me!
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