Blog #97. Beach, Fun,Sun, and Waiting Patiently

Earlier today, as I was laying on the beach, under my umbrella, at New Symrna Beach Florida.   I had one of those moments. The moments that almost take your breath away at how blessed you are just to be alive. The moments that when you think back 16 months ago and all the things that were told to you by doctors (except for one) that you wouldn't survive 12 months and here you are laying on a beach enjoying every breeze that blows through your wig and the beautiful sunshine that shines it's rays  down on you to enjoy another beautiful day of life. I have that moment ..so many times. So many moments of being grateful just to be alive and able to do the things that even last summer were not really possible for me to do. Because I had to go through all the procedures and recovery to get me to this point. This point that I can and am enjoying my life. 

This trip wasn't planned.  This trip was one of those spur of the moment things that I knew while I was feeling good and Evan was home, I had to take full advantage of the time and where better to enjoy a few days than at the beach.

 

I've had a lot of people asking about my pet scan. I have had people telling me they are stalking my page on FB. I know every one is as curious as I am about the scan but I haven't heard any news. I had a friend tell me tonight she was surprised that I had shown up at his door step. I laugh because she knows me so well but seriously I have to wait I have to have patience. I could call and get a copy of the radiologist report from Emory that ran the scan   I could read that report and who knows what it will say. For me it's not worth the risk of upsetting myself about something that may or may not be on there. I'm in this battle with Dr Chamsuddin. I trust his word only. I believe and go by what he tells me and I do what he says I should do. So I wait for him. You learn to be patient when you are part of a team. When you know that the person you are on your journey with is the person you can and do trust. I wish I knew.  I'm not going to pretend that I haven't been a bit worried....I have ..but nothing I feel or say or even do will change the outcome of the scan. I take comfort in the fact that I feel good and that I am just continuing to live my life.   That's how we should all be. I have always been the type of person that generally assumed the worst.  Since getting sick I find myself more hopeful and secure in hearing great news. That's what happens when you have someone fighting for you as hard as you're fighting for yourself. 

I'm just happy... 16 months into this I am even better than I was when I started. No matter what ...I may have to do in the future, I'm going to live for every day... to be happy and live life as full as I possibly can ...we all should do that. 

Life isn't always on our terms. We don't always dictate or control things as we think we should or can. I thought I could for so long. I have realized that having faith and believing can make all the difference in the outcome rather than trying to force things to be the way I want them to be. It's not as hard as I once thought it would be just to let life happen. I sorta find a lot more peace and contentment in my life this way! 

I'm always sharing my story.  Always given so many opportunities to share a miracle of my life. Always willing to be whatever help I can to someone else that may be facing their own trials in life. 

Everyone has a story. Everyone has something of themselves to give to the world. It's wether or not your willing to be open and secure enough with yourself to make a difference. I'm not ashamed of having Cancer. I'm actually inspired more so by it. My story has a message for other people. 5 people may take my story and compare it to their own lives in 5 different ways. It's not about the disease as much for me as it is the fight itself. 

I have had a great week. I have found comfort in seeing the huge smile  on my beautiful little Evan's  face. My life is about making memories with her. About letting her know how loved she is and that no matter how bad I feel sometimes and when I am down and out that when  I recover we will have so many more moments in life like this week to enjoy together. I will take all my bad days to know that I have so many more good days like this week to have to enjoy with her. 

Don't cry for me ....Pray for me 

I want you all to know that I find comfort and joy from all of you that read and follow my story. I appreciate all the concern and compassion I am shown daily by so many of you. Thank you. 

Blog #96 Patience is a virtue... So they say....

I know there are a lot of you that follow my story through my blog... and I didn't want to leave you all hanging about my pet scan results. 

Unfortunately, I received a text Sunday morning that for some reason my scan didn't get uploaded into the system for Dr Chamsuddin to have a way to view the scan. For whatever reason.... it really doesn't matter. Furthermore, he texted me later in the day to tell me he would not be available to review it for a few days. Which to be honest is fine with me. Someone very close to me is  out of  town on a vacation and I didn't really want to hear any news while they were gone. This disease takes away so much of us on a daily basis and I just want them to go on vacation and not have to worry about getting any news about me. 

As much as it would be nice to know the outcome... I'm truly okay with waiting. As much as this disease is about me,it's very much a part of the people that love me, and their lives  too. It's hard on us all. My friends are more like my family. 

This weekend was a great weekend. Friday was my sister's twins, Jimbo & Georgia's 9th birthday. We all met and had Japanese. My niece Ansleigh, had her birthday April 12th and because of all that's been going on with me... I missed her birthday. So, I gave them all a card with $100 in it. They were so excited. My sister said they counted their money at least 100 times that night and 100 times the next morning. I was the best Aunt in the world that night and it melted my heart to see them so happy. My sister wasn't happy that I had given them all that much, but I had the money and sometimes you realize that giving a little more is what will make the ones you love happy and you just go above and beyond for them. I am just glad I was here and alive to celebrate and see the joy on their faces because I love them all so much and miss the time we all spent together so much more than I can right now. They understand but sometimes I wish my heart would. 

Saturday, afternoon I went to a fun slip and slide fireball shots party at my friends Tonya and Johnny's house it  was so much fun. I felt great all day and enjoyed spending the entire day with some of the best people you could ever wish to have as friends. I of course didn't do the slip and slide nor did I do the fireball shots, and sometimes its truly a lot safer and fun sitting on the sidelines just watching and laughing. 

On Sunday,  friend's Linda and Kim came over and painted Evan's room purple . Something she had wanted for a long time and it melts my heart all that they are willing and able to do to help me in this time of need in my life. I know it's for no other reason than they love me. I hope that I can one day be as good of a friend to my friends has they have been to me. 

Life is good. Nothing new still the back pain but I am trying to maintain my tolerance for it until we see what might need to be done to fix it. I am just in that waiting game right now. Waiting for the pet scan results to see what we may or may not have to do next. I am praying hard that all the cancer in my liver is gone. I know there is a spot on my lung, if I am lucky enough the chemo has gotten that and I can just begin to heal and recover from all I have been through ... Time will tell....

My friend Ashley's mom and I talked at the party for a long time on Saturday. She said she was thrilled with the success that I have been having with my treatments and she is a registered nurse and told me she had really never heard of anyone making it over 6 months with the advance stage of liver cancer that I had. But, she had not known anyone that had gone to the lengths that I have to get rid of it. I told her mom that after the alternative medicine and the marker going up sky high that I knew I had to do something and I just went for it. I risked it all to have any chance of helping to extend my life. I really risked it all. I had no other choice. I was not accepting the fact that I would die. I didn't want and still do not want to die, I know that is not up to me. I believe that there is a plan for me. I think I am traveling and following that plan every day that I live and every day that I share my story. I never knew what to expect. I never questioned what next because I knew no one had the ultimate answer I would be looking for. The thing about my journey is that I have had the faith and the ultimate care to survive where I am. I feel like a hero because I hear that so much from people. That I am some miracle and I know in my heart that I am. I want to win this battle not just for me but for all the people that have been like me, told there was no hope for them. There is hope. Sometimes, you have to be willing to risk it all to make that happen. I didn't honestly think of it like that when I was making the decisions to do the Y90 I didn't believe I was dying. I didn't feel, look. nor act like I was not going to die... I was dedicated to myself in a way I have never really been dedicated to anyone else in my life. I fought and I feel like I have won. I have won longer than anyone ever thought I would live. My body is good. My mind is sharp. My heart and soul are stronger than they have ever been. My will to live is as bigger than I ever knew it could be. I never was faced with dying before getting cancer, never had any close calls. Disease and dying was other people's problems until 2/6/2014. 

That day is branded in my mind. It will forever change who I am and who I have become. I am just grateful .. I am happy. I am rejoicing in the days I feel good and laying in bed recovering in the days I feel bad. I just go with how my body feels. My mind is always saying get up and do stuff but it's almost impossible when my body just can not get the get up and go it has always had. It really depressed me in the beginning. It would upset me so bad but I guess I have gotten more use to it by 12 months of doing the chemo and procedures and I just do what I feel like and don't do anything when I don't. 

I am more than this person fighting for my life. I am so much more inside than trying to make it through a disease that I don't understand but I am this person that deserves to live my life and when I am feeling good I go back to being me. I do almost all the things I always have. I just do them less frequently. I try to make the most of every single day. 

I am happy. I love seeing people that tell me how amazing I look. How if they didn't know that I was sick they would never know it. I don't look like I guess someone with cancer should look... But how are they suppose to look? There is no diagram to show how a person with this or that cancer should look but for now I am doing great... Unfortunately....it's chemo week again so Wednesday.... I am back to the dreaded treatment but it's working and therefore, I do what I have to do. When you are getting such amazing results how do you question or refuse the treatments that are truly giving you  your life back?

My baby girl is at the beach with her dad and step mom this week and it's hard to be without her. I miss her when she is gone and then when she comes back complaining about being bored and this and that I wish she were off doing something besides driving me nuts. She is such a good kid. She is so strong and going through all that she has with me she will be stronger than she ever should be. She is my world I love her so much. She keeps asking me "Are you seeing Dr. Chamsuddin this week?" I tell her "No,honey not this week" she is so anxious to meet him she talks about him all the time I guess because I am always talking about him with people too. She loves him .. She is so happy that he has saved her mama and she prays every night the treatments continue to work and get rid of this horrible disease. She wants to just meet him and give him a big hug. I always tell her soon ...

I should be posting again at the end of the week as long as I am feeling okay after chemo. Even if it's a small post I will post I promise. 

Thank you for reading, sharing and ultimately praying for me and my family. Prayers are answered every day. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me! 

Blog #95... Truthful fears and insecurities on Pet Scan Days.....

I have so much restless energy, today. I can't eat because... I am having the pet scan and I am starving. Go figure, these days I am never really hungry and because I can not eat, I want to eat even more. I hate that about myself. I always have wanted the things I can't have, just because I can't have something, it makes me want it more. It's all so crazy!

I am looking forward to doing the pet scan and yet in my mind I am so uncertain about it. I go from being okay to worrying about every single little thing that doesn't mean anything at all. I go to that place of total fear, fear what the results are going to be, fear that cancer may have gone somewhere else and spread, fear that I didn't do chemo for 3 weeks so I could enjoy my girls trip and I fear because of that I messed something up with the cancer. I feel guilty for this monster living inside of me. The monster could care less about my feelings or emotions it just wants to take my life and the harder I fight the more stubborn it has seemed to become. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that I may be free and I know in the back of my mind since there is still a cancer marker indicating cancer that the cancer is still there. How much torture can this disease really take? We have blasted this crap to the max, we have gone above and beyond what is normal to kill this disease and it still keeps wanting and coming back for more... I want to just cuss it out,. I want it to go away. I want it to just leave me alone and let me have ALL of my life back and this just isn't up to me. It's a fighter. Cancer has it own way of recreating itself and I don't understand it. 

I want to believe that what we have done is enough... but I don't ever go into anything trying to pretend that the mere facts don't exist. I am a person that looks at the whole picture. I know the picture is beautiful and I see the life living inside of it and yet as much as I want to believe that the fairy tale is there... I am in reality knowing that I have more work to do. That this monster is wanting more torture to see if it will finally give up and just walk away from me and what next go to someone else? That is even worse. I wish there was no cancer. I wish there was a cure. A way to know how to get this disease from even entering and invading anyone's body. It breaks my heart and yet I face this disease myself every single day. I wake up checking my glucose to make sure it's not to high. I take pain pills a couple of times a day just to deal with the back pain, I think about the chemo when I am completely wiped out convincing myself I wont be feeling this way much longer as it leaves my system. And then there are these all so dreaded pet scans that I hate almost as much as anything else about cancer. 

 It's the answers we are looking to find but it's not always the answer I am wanting to hear. I am not negative about any of this I am just a patient going through this horrible disease. This painful disease that takes so much of my body and mind and I know that I am fighting for my life. I fight to stay alive. I fight to beat this monster I can not see. I fight to raise my daughter and to be here with the people that I love. It hurts deeply. I fear the things that I never let come from my mouth. The words that break my heart inside that no one can ever see because I fight for the right to make those words unspoken with each day I do a treatment, take a pill, or do another test. I wish I were not this person. But I am .. But I am! 

This road has been full of amazing people cheering me on and yet with all the love and support I am shown... I feel so alone sometimes. The realty of this disease for me is every single day. It never becomes old news for me it's always forefront in my mind. I have been open and honest with this journey, there are days that are good and there are days that I have total fear in my mind. Today is just one of those days. Every 3 months I have these pet scans done I get myself all worked up and worried. I like being scheduled and having it done first thing in the morning. That way it is done and over with and today I am schedule for 1;30 and that leaves me almost the whole day to sit and think about it. I hate that. Once it's done and over with I don't seem to worry as much I  seem to find a calmness. 

I just wanted to open my heart and write the words that were on my mind today. I know either way good or bad news I have and will continue to give this monster all that I have inside of me to kick it's butt. It's not an easy road at all. But, it's what I am facing and it's what has to be done. 

Please pray for me to find the peace that I need to get through today. I really appreciate your thoughts and support! I wonder sometimes if my test days and reading my results can hurt Dr. Chamsuddin as they hurt me.I know it's hard to be my doctor sometimes,because I am so in your face and so a part of your life and my story has been read and shared with so many people. I tell him all the time one day I will be famous, he laughs and says "You already are" that is what makes him great! 

I feel like Dr. Chamsuddin is a much as a part of my journey... as anyone in my family is. I remember the last results when he called and had to tell me that there were 5 new tumors that had shown up, I could hear in the tone of his voice, I knew it was hard for him  to see those results much less to have to tell me. But here is the thing... He has not given up on me. He keeps pushing himself and pushing me along this road of cancer and he is the expert and no matter what today's results may show I know in my heart that no matter what is or isn't there... I am with the doctor that I am suppose to be on this journey with. I would not change a single thing, except to have believed a lot sooner and just gone for it a month or two earlier. I had to search my options and just glad my best option was still there and available when I finally made my mind up. Dr. Chamsuddin is my hero he is an amazing man and doctor and because of him I am here to still write and share my story, I have no doubt about that at all. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me..

Blog #94 Please Pray for me... Pet Scan is tomorrow..

Here I go.... again.... My next pet scan is scheduled for tomorrow. I always find myself getting very anxious the day or so before the scan. It's the results I worry about... not the scan itself. I have the scan procedure down to a science I could administer the treatment myself, if the truth be known. I have a lot of things on my mind before having this done. It's the tell all of where the cancer is within my body and as I hope and pray to God that all the cancer is out of my liver, I just don't know. 

Before going on my trip to Mexico I put off any chemo treatments and my cancer marker. I just wanted to go on the trip and not worry about anything more than I already had on my mind. I had chemo last week and I asked the doctor to order my cancer marker, it went up a tiny bit It went from 188 to 208 which honestly... was not alarming to me at all. Last time it went up, it doubled so I felt okay with being where it is. This disease gives me all sorts of things to think about. I have to pay close attention to my blood work. Certain test determine certain functions. It's so weird how our blood work says so much about how our body is working. 

Things are okay with me. Chemo did it's usual thing and wore me out this past weekend. I pushed myself a little more than I normally would to get up and do things. It was a holiday weekend and I didn't want to be stuck in the bed while everyone else was out having fun. Besides, I had promised my daughter, Evan, that I would be better this summer and so far I have done good fulfilling that commitment I made to her. I am just hoping that there is no new procedure on the horizon, that will be determined by the pet scan and what Dr. Chamsuddin thinks should or should not be done next. 

Life is crazy I am still trying to work as hard as I always have and some days that commitment is a little harder to fulfill than others. I just don't always feel good enough to be sitting here at my desk at work... so there are a lot of times that I find myself going home and working from there. Not that it matters, none of my customers know, I know and I know me and I want to be productive and for me being productive is being in the office working. I am weird about certain things. 

 I have always been harder on myself than anyone else has ever thought about being on me. I just think that I should and could always push myself a little more. I guess you can say I am not so much that way anymore. I know when my body needs rest. I know when I am tired and I need to lay down. I know that I can not  be that person I once was at least right now. I just know that I want to beat this disease and if it means me changing to allow my body the time and rest that it needs to do that, than I will do it.

 Life is a lot simpler when you are not sick, that's for sure. It's not easy getting up every day and not knowing what the day holds if you will feel good enough to make plans with other people. I have really tired to avoid making plans, I don't make commitments to people because it's not that I worry about hurting them... it's that I worry about it upsetting me, if I can't go. I have always been that person that was "all in" on anything but I have learned that I can no longer be that person so when and if I feel good enough I go and if I don't I just stay home. It's really a lot more of a mental aspect of having cancer that makes the disease so hard. It takes away parts of you that you never thought it could and then it gives you such new and better perceptive on life in general. Being sick makes you see and appreciate the little things more than you ever thought you could. It's not easy to see sometimes because looking back on life you realize all the things you might have missed out on. 

I have had so many people contact me over the last several weeks about their own family members being diagnosed with cancer.  Where is this coming from? Statistic's say that 1 in 18 people will have some form of cancer or another. That is unacceptable. It's heartbreaking. And unfortunately with no cure, there is simply no way to even know where all these cancer dx are coming from. I see fight for a cure but where is the cure. Who has the cure? When will this monster ever began to lose it's battle in our bodies if we can not figure out where it is even coming from?

I get upset sometimes when someone new reaches out to me. I want to make things better for them as I have been given this second chance at life that I say I wasn't suppose to have but I don't believe that/ I was lead to where I was given this chance with..... 1 man that was willing to take a chance on me. 

Willing to take me on and risk it all to do what he could do to give me back my life. As much as I took a chance on him he also took that chance on me when no one else was even willing to do so. I talk a lot about Dr. Chamsuddin. I know I sing his praises because honestly I have no other reason to be here and alive without his expertise and God's grace.  It makes you realize how special you are in the eyes of others. Dr. Chamsuddin. has gotten to know me on a personal level I have given him my single mom book I published, I gave him a Team Christy shirt, I have laid my heart out on the line about the love for my friends and family. I made myself more than just a patient I was a person. I wanted the person I walked down this journey with to know who I am that has been very important to me. I wanted him to know that his efforts and his strides to helping me is more than just about a patient laying on a table he was treating That I have a life and that I have so much more to live for. Some doctors could really care less. Each patient is a patient and they will do what they can for them and that is the most involvement that they had with the person. I am more than that, I wanted to live and I wanted Dr. Chamsuddin and the entire world to know that I wanted that more than anything else in this world. I have been the person that made the decision to do all the procedures and not once have I looked back and thought... I should not have done that... Every hard thing I have been through has lead me to today... Almost 16 months still alive, not just alive but being a full time mother and insurance agent working full time. I am still very active and functional in my life and for that I am so forever grateful. I don't know what the future holds. It's all about a little nuclear sugar inserted into my body tomorrow as I lay in a machine that will give us the answers we are all longing to hear. It may be the best news I have ever heard and it could be that we are back to fighting the monster  again... Regardless I have the most amazing people in my life to cheer me on, cry with me, pray for me, and to lead me on to victory in the long term of whatever and wherever this disease my lead me. 

Please say a prayer for me and know that God has done amazing things so far and I know in my heart he will continue to do so and lead me the right direction for my life. 

I want to live. I will never give up a day that I am breathing on this earth to fight this monster inside of me. I know that when I was told I would not lie 12 months I never could and would accept that. Not because of any other reason than I knew I was in good hands! I knew that I believed in and trusted Dr. Chamsuddin in a way that I had never ever trusted another human being in my life. I respect him and I really care for him. He has given me hope and hope is more than I ever thought I could have had before. I cried one time in Mexico just thinking about the fact that a year ago I would have never dreamed it possible for me to be on a girls trip much less out of the country... He has given me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for and that's the second chance at life. I believe there is a higher power calling me to lead in my journey of cancer not only for the good of the people that personally know me but for the strangers I meet along the way. I am so happy to have the opportunity to share my story and to give hope to others when they may feel there is no hope left for them. I wish my heart were bigger, I wish I could travel the world sharing my story, and so instead I use the internet. I checked my google plus account another place I post my blog and I have had to date 471,755 views.. Amen is all I can say. 

I have been busy writing my story. I have put a lot of time and energy into writing my book because Dr. Chamsuddin says it's time. I know it is mainly because I feel good enough to write it. This whole time I have been sick I have been putting the cards on my wall at work. It was my wall of inspiration. When I decided to write the book I thought those cards would be a great tribute to the love and kindness I have been shown by so many so I have cut up the cards into pictures and words and placed them strategically throughout the book. I wrote to Ellen yesterday and I am hoping to hear from her about my story and also I am going to write my contact again with Oprah's Network and see where I can get this book going. It's a true story it's my story that I have shared all throughout the journey but I hope that I can make something more happen with the book and hopefully reach people that have been given what I was given... No hope.... I was given hope by one doctor that was willing to take a chance on me as much as I was willing to take a chance on him. Together we make a great team. I wish everyone had their own Dr. Chamsuddin, but I am willing to share mine if it will save lives. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me....Thank you for reading and sharing my story you never know who may read this and need their own sense of hope today! 

Blog #84... Jealousy is such an ugly emotion....

Next week should be another big week,  I am hoping to have my 3rd Y-90 procedure...I'm  just waiting to hear from Newton Medical Center, if they have approved and scheduled it. I should be hearing anytime. 

There have been a few hurtful things that happened last week, that I experienced . A customer's cousin had some back pain,  started seeing a chiropractor, which referred him back to his primary care doctor. The primary care doctor diagnosed him with stage 4 liver cancer, oncologist suggested chemo, he did one treatment and ended up in the hospital, because it made him so sick. The next day he was admitted into hospice and passed away that night.  It's always heart breaking for me to hear when someone else loses their lives to this horrible disease. Another friend of mine has been admitted into hospice this past week, at the end of her courageous battle with cancer. 

I read an article about a CNN reporter that had a benign  brain tumor, she was saying how she had survivor's remorse. I guess I can understand that in some ways, but this battle isn't a group disease... it's really an individual battle to overcome and survive. I don't feel remorse for living and fighting this disease. I don't feel guilty for having another day with my family and friends..... I find myself more grateful than anything else. I could have been the one that lost my life. I wasn't suppose to live 6 to 8 weeks as progressed as my disease was ....and here I am almost 14 months later living, breathing, and fighting for what I want... a chance for another day to live on this earth and to be loved and to love the people in my life. 

I get frustrated..... I get mad and sometimes &  I just want to scream ... I want the world to stop and somehow miraculously make me better!  Make me the person that no longer has this disease. I want to be that one person  that has taken all that I can from having to fight for my life to make a huge difference in the world ... Sometimes.... the world is so mean and cruel that I can't even begin to find myself understanding how some people even should have a chance to have a good life while others fight every single day  for theirs.

 I know that sounds selfish and mean of me to say.... but, I heard that someone was being told how well I was doing and this person says "Really, she is doing good... I thought she would be dead by now"  I thought what a real bitch. A woman that I barely know. A woman that I have not even crossed paths with in the last 13 years and that is what is said about me! I think it's sad that someone would even say that about me..... much less anyone that is fighting for their lives. What a horrible representation of human life. I didn't cry when I heard that she said that about me. I thought to myself what a jealous and mean soul that woman must really have. I actually felt sorry for her. To be so mean and cold inwardly must be a horrible way to live your life.  The hatred in some people shines through in more ways that most people can ever see. Sometimes..... the outside isn't at all what the inside of someone truly represents. I wasn't going to share this but you know what it's real life... These things happen all the time. To so many people. It's not just me, it's others it's what people do. As sad as it may be it's just LIFE!

Things other than that are good. I had chemo last Wednesday and to be honest it seems that it's a lot easier on my body these days. I use to be down and out for 3 days and not be able to get up out of bed. But, since my steroid got cut in half I see a huge difference in how the treatment effect how I am feeling. I don't feel great... but, I am not home laying in bed all weekend... I have been up and out and about. Which is awesome news for sure. 

I bought a yoga tape and started doing yoga yesterday. I am hoping to start stretching some muscles. I find myself stiff... I suppose mostly from being down and out so much over the last 14 months. I am glad I feel good enough to stretch and to start working on this full recovery of my body. It's really not just about overcoming the cancer, it's about getting my body back into shape and transforming myself into a healthy person all around, again. 

I am feeling pretty good. I have been enjoying watching my grandson play baseball. I am just enjoying my life. With last week's news, that we got all the old cancer, and there are new spots I realized that I am in this long term battle. It's a matter of maintaining and staying ahead of the cancer, and getting it before it has the opportunity to get me. I am the lucky one for this reason alone.

 The cancer doesn't have a chance to kill me, I will fight this monster until the very last spot that shows up in my body. I have been and will continue to win my battle with this monster. I hope that through my journey that no matter what you may be facing personally in your own lives, that you see the will to live. The fight isn't always going to go the way we want or expect it to ...but it's about staying on the course. It's about giving it your all. It's about believing that you can do it  no matter what obstacles you may face along the way. Nothing is easy in life. Their are peaks and valley's . There are the days where everything couldn't be any  better and days when you feel it just can't get any worse. We all face our own trials in life. We all make choices that lead our lives in directions that are not always clear at the time. That's why they call them choices. Nothing is  ever really certain except ...Death is certain for us all one day. None of us will live forever!

 I just hope to live a long life to have the chance to see cancer through to the next level of remission and recovery in people that had no chance of recovery in the past. I would love to be a spokes person for this disease. To spread hope. To give a chance at life to people that have been given no hope for life... To spread hope of  options that may not be the easiest road but the better chance at survival. . I could have taken the news I was told and just gone and lived the rest of the life that I had to live and not gone through all that I had but the certainty of death wasn't the option I was choosing, the chance at remission and a longer life was my choice and I am glad I was given that chance by Dr. Chamsuddin and Newton Medical Center. Without this doctor and hospital I would have been gone by now. I wanna say "look at me now" 

Thursday night last week my grandson came and spent the night with us. The next morning I was getting him ready for school, I asked if he wanted grandma to put gel in his hair... He looked at me and said "No, thanks" I asked "Is it because grandma isn't cool?" he looked at me and said "well, you very pretty though" I laughed. I just love him to pieces. 

Hopefully, my next blog will be letting you know when I am having the next Y-90 and I hope that you will continue to pray for me and my family! Pray for great results with the Y-90 and that we lead this disease to be totally removed  from my body once and for all. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me! 

Blog #82... 13 MONTHS...

 I am one week from my next pet scan. I am anxiously awaiting the results and hoping that this little monster is completely gone! This stupid cancer isn't giving up easy that's for sure! It can't outsmart Dr. Chamsuddin.. I believe that with all my heart... 

I had chemo this week and it went fine no complications to speak of. It was a funny because it was Wednesday and the weather was going to be in  the 70's.... so that morning, I decided I was going to wear flip flops. I have to be honest, earlier in that day I wasn't so sure I had made the right decision because my feet were freezing. I had to be at the Oncologist office at 10:15 that morning, I did the routine we always do when I get there and I walked back into the back to find a sit for my treatment. I found one, sat down, pulled the lever for the recliner and one of my flip flops flew across the room and almost landed in the lap of the sweet lady that was sitting across from me. Everyone in the room getting treatment started laughing. It was the highlight of the day that was for sure. Then I got up before being hooked up to the machine for treatment and went into the bathroom,The roll of toilet paper was not on the hook thing... so you had to roll it out in your hands, I did that and accidentally dropped the toilet paper and that sucker rolled all over the bathroom floor before I could get a grip on it to tear off the yucky part... I came out of the bathroom laughing and said "Ya'll would have died if you were in there with me to see what happened" Everyone laughed again. It was so funny I felt like butter fingers all day that day. 

Things are really looking good with me. I have no real problems besides my lower back pain. It's weird how it's started hurting so much lately, pretty much since my last procedure. I am hoping that the pain will go away soon. It's tolerable at times and then others.... I have to go home and take a hot bath and then lay on a heating pad to get rid of the pain.

My attitude is really good. I am just believing the end of this nightmare is near.  Someone close to me went to the doctor yesterday and they were asked all those medical questions about family history of this and that... They said that I had liver cancer. This person said they looked at them and asked the story of my cancer. When they were finished telling the PA she looked at them and said "I worked in an oncology office for 15 years and it was so hard on me I had to leave. I have never heard of anyone having their liver covered 80% in tumors and them being doing so good as she is doing. At the office I worked at we would have given her no hope" They smiled and said "I know it's a miracle" The PA asked who my Interventional Radiologist is and where is was working they told the PA and she was blown away that he was working at such a small hospital. 

This made my day. Made me reaffirm the fact that I am a miracle... I know every day that I am alive it's a true blessing. Today marks 13 months from my dx. It's hard to believe that 13 months have gone by on one hand and then on the other it feels like 13 years. It's just the battle I have to face. Life isn't always easy but life for me is much better than the alternative. Much BETTER! 


My cancer marker went up a little  this week. I am thinking it's because I had not had chemo in 3 weeks. I was getting a 2 week break and was suppose to have chemo last week but the weather changed that because they closed early and called me to cancel my appointment ... I had chemo Wednesday this week instead. We have changed my regimen to every other week. My oncologist says this Gemzar (chemo brand) I am taking starts to take a toll on the body and even though for the most part I am tolerating it pretty good right now it starts causing different effects on the body. I think doing it every other week works. I have to make sure I keep myself healthy other than for the cancer. I know my body and I listen to it. I am doing everything I can and am told to do so I know we can see the end of the journey soon and be in remission where we have been trying to reach over the last 10 months. 

This stupid cancer is hanging in there. I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other night and I could relate to what the doctor was lecturing about when she was describing the tumors and how it was happy in there. I feel like my cancer has been happy in my body too. Where it feels that it wants to live and grow as we want it gone and dead. We will win I have no doubt about that. 

Next Friday..... is another big milestone in this journey and I ask you all for your prayers that this monster is gone. We were so close before the last procedure so we have to be there or much closer this time. 

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It means so much to me. I know that through this journey I have had some people reach out to me that I would have never thought would share their thoughts of my inspiration in their own lives and it touches my heart in places that they will never know not only that they felt that way but that they shared their feelings with me. 

I don't have to much to share this week just wanted you all to know I am doing good. I am feeling better. And my attitude is right where it needs to be ... On POSITIVE......


Don't Cry For Me.... Pray For Me... Prayers are answered every day ....Mine sure have been! 

Blog #81 HOPE & CERTAINTY.... THEY GO HAND IN HAND.....

I'm finally feeling better. The last procedure took a lot out of me.  On top of that... I got that winter crud... with the sore throat and cough, I guess  I caught from my little daughter, Evan. She was sick the week before. Regardless of what I am going through.... I am still a mama and I am going to take care  my little one when she is sick, I take the risk of getting myself sick but that's what a mama does. Isn't it? Healthy or not?


Things are going good with me. I had a great month selling insurance despite the fact that I have not been feeling really good the whole month. I wrote 29 new policies for the month.... I am thrilled. It makes me feel good to save people money and for them to put their trust in me as their agent. I seem to wear so many hats these days I am a  mama, sister, grandma, insurance agent, and cancer patient. I juggle life these days and try my best to keep things going smooth and on the right track for all my obligations! It get's overwhelming at times but that's nothing new life was certainly overwhelming even before finding out I was sick.

The days I don't feel that good and I am home I seem to work harder and more on those days. Seems odd that it would be that way but it's just how the business goes.... I suppose. Things are always crazy in my life there is always so much to do and so much that I can't allow to sit and be left undone (except for my laundry...which I hate doing)

 I have my pet scan scheduled for  March 13th... Each time the closer to the date I get, the more anxious I am becoming. I hate waiting but to make sure we get the correct results from the procedure there is a timing to the waiting madness.  I am praying day & night that the scan is clear. I hope that there is not another thing lighting up on the scan, but in case there is... like every time before I am willing and ready to go back in and get at it again. I would prefer not to have another ablation but regardless of what I prefer ....if I have to do it I will. I want my life back. I want to know that I have no more cancer in my body... no matter how big it once was to how small it is now. Cancer is cancer and no matter the size I hate it. I am not willing to allow it to invade my body anymore than it already has!

The pet scan is not bad really. The worse part for me is when they put in the sugar shot into my IV and then I have to sit and rest for an hour before I can have the scan done. Going into the room to have the pet scan isn't bad,  They lay you on this little table with all of your clothes on. Which is so weird to me , I would have thought you would at least have to change into a hospital gown but that isn't the case at all. I get a little anxious at first when they push you through the tubing to get each portion of your body done on the scan. You lay on this tiny table with your arms laying up above your head and you have to be completely still for about 20-30 minutes. If you are claustrophobic it might be a little more difficult for you to have a pet scan done. There are things your doctor can do about your anxiety ask if you think you will ever have one of these and if you think you might need something to take the edge off.

Anything new and uncertain scares us. I think I get the "PRO" title when it comes to all these cancer situations and test. I know that I don't like most of it anymore than the next person but I do it because I have to and because I have no other choice really.

Fighting cancer isn't for cowards. Don't you hear and see all these things saying "cancer warrior"? It's not easy to go through this. I think sometimes it has more of a mental effect than a physical. It's the word we all dread to hear under any circumstances with anyone in our family or friends circle.

I know the day I was diagnosed I couldn't believe what the doctor was saying.. Like I have said before this happened to other people. This could not be happening to me. I wasn't unhealthy, I never really got sick with colds or anything, I had energy, I was a mom with a small child for God's sake.. This could not be happening to me... It was and I had no control over what it was. I knew I had control over what it could be and therefore I made the choices I made along this journey. I wanted someone to come and take this all away from me. I wanted sometime to look me in the eyes and say "It's okay, you do this and you will live" no one said that to me. No one could. There was what I felt was no hope in my mind but my heart had all the hope in the world that I could and would make it through this horrible disease. I did everything you can even think of. I read stuff on the internet that was the magic cancer cure, that didn't work. I changed my diet, I scrambled across the country trying to find a way to save my life and everywhere I went there wasn't anymore hope than what I had been offered by Dr. Chamsuddin, my only hope... Y-90... Hope and Certainty were in my mind the same thing. I knew that hope had the only chance of my certainty of beating this disease.  I believed in the plan we had to attack this monster, and once we started the journey to beat it, I never looked back a second.. I just knew I was on the right track,,,, with the right doctor,,, and at the right place I was suppose to be at. I knew that and therefore there was no more searching for an answer for me and my life, I had found it.

It's not easy making choices ...choices that you have no idea what you might be facing but when you have no other choice and it's the only choice you have... there is no other way to go. I knew from day one that my obligation in this world could not be over. I have built my life the way I wanted in some way and other ways it had been molded from the decisions that I had made for my life choices. I look back now and wish I had gone to college and I know I would have made an incredible lawyer. I can argue my point like nobody's business, I can search and find out things that people have hidden so far and deep and think no one could ever find out.  Instead at 20 I had baby, I worked my butt off every day to provide her with her needs, and later on in life with all of her wants. I sacrificed so much of my family time for money and material things and thought those things were what would make her and I happy. A lesson that now.. I have learned better than to believe that. I was given a second chance at being a mama and I love my little girl. Don't get me wrong she can get on my last nerve and there have been times that I have had  to escort her out of my bedroom and lock the door but that's short lived. I still under the circumstances  have to be mama! I have really tried to keep my life as normal as possible. Not much other than chemo. hospital stay's and laying in bed more has changed. I am still working full time. Still trying to just be me.. a new and maybe in some ways an improved me.

I have people reaching out to me all of the time. Telling me that my fight and attitude has helped them in ways that I would never understand. People that were once strangers sharing with me their own life struggles and explaining the ways that I have helped them. Do you know how amazing that makes me feel? I just know that I fight because I want to . I want to live... I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up... I want to do so much more with my life than I have so far. I can't determine where all of this will lead me in my future but I know the future looks brighter and happier when you have been fighting for your life for it!

Yesterday,my Evan Raine walked into the room with this costume on and after the third video attempt we came up with this. I love her spirit and even going through this journey every step of the way with me I see the joy of life in her eyes and it makes me so happy... Cancer can not take the heart and soul of it's victim's if you don't allow it to. It's a choice and I chose happiness with my daughter. I hope you enjoy her video she is something very special. I started these video's recently because I wanted to have these for her and for myself for years to come. So we have our own youtube channel...

I hope that my story makes it to the heart of people that need to feel the strength of another persons will and desire to live that can in my own way give them "HOPE" for their own lives. Nothing is certain in life...  but..... there is more certainty in life if you have HOPE. ...

Blog #78....One year later.... The day I wasn't expected to see....

One year ago today....I was told that I had liver cancer and it was very bad. I will never forget that day and moment  as long as I live. 2/6/2014 changed every thing I thought I knew about my life. It changed me as a person, mother, friend, sister, and a woman. It changed how I saw the world and how I thought these things only happen to other people. 

I really had not known or even heard  much about cancer. I didn't know what it was going to mean in my life! I knew in my heart and soul in those first few days  that my time left on this earth was probably very limited, I knew that liver cancer was certainly a death sentence. 

 I spent the first several days thinking about having to leave my little girl on this earth without her mama and the pain was so unbearable for me. I cried so much those first few  days. It hurt me so bad to know that I was sick, and to know that it was consuming 80% of my liver... the and chances for me to live were not great or even hopeful at all...really! I denied my fears to everyone I knew, I showed on the outside what I longed to feel on the inside. I didn't want anyone I loved hurting as much as I was hurting. I knew if I stayed strong they would have no choice but to stay strong themselves.

 My life flashed before my eyes, I began writing notes to my little girl for all the birthday's I probably was not going to be here for. I tried my best to make amends with things in my life that I felt I needed to do. I said the things that I needed and wanted to say, I wrote my will and planned my daughters future without me. I had a million things running through my mind, and as I feared so deep in my heart and soul that I would not survive the one great thing about it all was I didn't feel sick. I hurt in my side and I knew the cancer was there but I felt fine. I would ask  my brother over and over again "I feel healthy. How can I be so sick?" He would always reply "I don't know but you really aren't healthy you are sick" I knew it but I could not allow this disease to  take the core of who Iwas and change me and force me to give into what I thought was my destiny. I just could not do it. I wanted to be strong if for no one other reason's than for my daughter's and grandson. They needed me and I needed them. I wanted to live and yet I wasn't sure I would and if I did... how long I would I even  have.  I was told by 7 out of 8 doctors that I would do chemo for 12 months and that would be my life expectancy. 12 months ...  

I cried when no one else was around. I begged God to spare my life. I hugged my little girl and grandson tighter than I ever had before. I let my mind think of all the things that I could try and do to help in saving myself. I didn't want to die. I feared it so bad. I feared that my family would have to sit there and watch me wither away until I took my last breath's on this earth and I don't think  anything ever hurt me as much as those feelings did. I was so close to death and then....... I tried every thing... I drank drops of peroxide, I took baths in baking soda, I changed my diet to completely to eating healthy, I traveled all over the country meeting with doctors, I did vitamin C through my veins 3 days a week, a shot of vitamin D once a week, sat with a heat lamp shining directly on my liver 3 days a week for 1 hour at a time, I sat in a heat box in my living room several times a week for 20 minutes.... There was nothing I wasn't willing to try to get rid of this disease, and through all this time I did all of that over 6 weeks and went back for a scan and the tumors had grown a little and my cancer marker went from 1480 to 8800... I knew I was headed in the wrong direction. I had been determined that I would not do chemo. I didn't want to do it, I feared it more than I had ever feared any thing in my life but I knew in those moments the results from my scan coming back, I knew what direction I had to go, I had no choice! I had to give myself the best shot at killing this cancer and it was apparent what I was doing was not working.  I called Dr. Chamsuddin and asked if I could bring my updated scan to him to review and we made an appointment for the Monday after Mothers Day...   

Evan on World Cancer Day 2/4/2015

Dr. Chamsuddin gave me a glimmer of hope. He never committed to me to save my life. He said "Your only hope is the Y-90" He saved me ... He will never know my appreciation and my heartfelt bond I have with him. He pulled me through this disease that should have been my death sentence and he used his expertise and took a chance on me when I am sure he wasn't sure that I would even make it.I often wonder how it felt to be him in those earlier days and even still. Having to take me into do all these procedures and see all my friends and family each time before he did what he was going to do for me. I know that has to be tough. He has a heart even though he is a doctor, he has feelings. He told me one time, my support system has been a lot of the success of my procedures. He knew from the first day that he met me how loved I am and I can only imagine how tough that is. I guess he puts the personal aspect out of his mind, or else how can you try and be the best you can be if you think of anything outside of what your job is. He has a talent beyond what I could have ever expected as a patient. Without him, I would be gone from this earth by now, I would be a memory to the people that love me.

 I would be the voice they long to hear on the other end of the phone, or the face they missed seeing every day. I have a bond with my family that is amazing. We grew up so differently than we are now. I know that I can never repay my brother and sister for everything they have done for me through this. I just know that without them I would not have been strong enough to make the tough choices I have had to make and survived. They are as much of my survival as anyone else is. They don't read my blogs, I think because it would hurt them to deep to read my inner most heartfelt feelings but they love me just the same and hopefully one day they will feel strong enough to want  to read them and know how it felt to be the inner part of myself through all of this. 

 Dr. Chamsuddin never said either way  if I would or would not make it through all of this... but I know he was hoping and praying I would, as much as my family and I were. He gives  me his all when he is working on killing this monster inside of me. I know that! I hope that he knows I am more grateful than words could ever express! He gave me my life back, I don't even know if I can find the words to say how amazing that truly is to me. I know I still have my moments that I get upset, but I am still fighting the fight, it's not gone completely but it's 99% gone and that is incredible.  I don't fear that I will die anymore. I just know that I want the cancer gone. I want to hear those words REMISSION. I was hoping and been praying that I would be done with every thing by today, my one year anniversary, it didn't happen,and that's okay. It's okay because I am here I am alive and I am better in so many ways than I was 12 months ago. We are all hoping and praying that the last procedure a week ago this past Monday got all 5 tiny spots of what is was left of the cancer. My next Pet Scan is being scheduled for sometime mid March... As we are all anxious to hear the results. 

1 YEAR.......

I'm a walking, talking, and living miracle. It wan't my time. Maybe I cheated death out of taking me and I can't say enough how grateful I am for that. Life isn't about money, rising up the corporate ladder, it's truly about living life, being loved and loving, family, friends, and happiness. Finding happiness in times like I have faced have been tough at times but I have really worked hard at keeping my spirit up, keeping a positive attitude, and being strong enough to face every thing I have had to face and to keep fighting the fight. Cancer is terrible. Just the mere word makes me sick... I hate cancer. I hate all the people that I have met and have known that has gotten cancer too.

Today, I survived what I was told I would not. 12 months later and I am still here, strong , not in remission, not cancer free, but alive and happy, and so very close to being there and that is more than I could have ever asked for 1 year ago. 

Thank you Dr. Chamsuddin, for not ever giving up on me, for taking a chance in  saving my life, and for the amazing experience you have in making a difference in the lives of other people. I hope that today you celebrate my life because you are such a HUGE part of me having a future to live. Thank you a million times over. I will forever be grateful to you and for your amazing staff at Newton Medical Center for taking such good care of me. For being there to do what you all do best... Saving lives. 

Blog # 65 "Live Your Life"

It's been a while... 

I went to do my pet scan on 12/11/2014 and of all things that stopped me... My glucose was sky high, at 272.  The doctors said "No way" on doing the scan on that day and sent me home. All I really could do was laugh about it. The anxiety of having it done and then being sent home was hurtful, I can not lie.  I didn't cry, there were no need for tears, there was not a single thing I could do about it.It hurt me and I put on that warrior face (I am required to have) and I rescheduled the test for 12/18/2014... Today! 

 I called my oncologist  office, as the technician suggested I do  and they had me come in on Friday last week as they wanted to check my glucose and see what they could do about getting a handle on it. I wonder if it had anything to do with me eating ice cream blizzards from Dairy Queen for about 7 days in a row. I had been having such issues with my stomach that I could not handle dairy products so I had not had any ice cream in 7 months since starting chemo. After the first one I had, I realized it no longer hurt my stomach and I might have gone a little overboard with my craving.  Besides the box of candy my friends sent me from our annual candy making day (that I had to miss from being so down from the chemo) I ate some of it the night before the pet scan. I had not even thought about my sugar being high at all. I had not had that issue at all since being sick so it never dawned on me not to eat it. 

The oncologist has me on a medicine to try and regulate my sugar and has me poking my finger three times a day to test it..which is a new world for me. I know a lot of people are diabetic and have to do it everyday, it's just not something I expected in my own life.  Someday's it's lower than others. I thought that I could still eat the way I wanted (minus the ice cream) and I find it raises my sugar.  

Here's where I guess it get's personal. Before 2/6/2014 I was what I felt like a healthy person. I didn't know this stupid monster was living inside of me invading my liver and doing it's best to suck the life out of this woman that does her best to do her best every day.  I suppose the whole fear inside me is that the cancer is likely not going to kill me..and seems lately I have been running into complications and makes me  wonder..like most people they don't die from the disease they often die from one of the side effects that the cancer creates. I try so hard to put that out of my mind. I fight my thoughts on that.  It's a whole lot harder than it appears to be. 

There are people that sometimes I want to just pick up and shake to make them see things through my eyes and unfortunately...that's not going to happen. I went back to the oncologist yesterday and my blood work was less than perfect. Another RED FLAG of concern for me. I took my print out to the hospital and dropped it off for Dr. Chamsuddin to take a peak at for me.  He called me and said I looked fine. Get some iron pills and he was mad at me about my weight. I wanted to scream. I wish I could make him me for a day. I wish that the people that are on the inside/outside of this disease could understand how it feels to walk in my shoes for a day. I would be happy to share myself with them for just an hour and I think the understanding would be a different story. You can not understand how it feels to be the SICK PERSON... Until you are the sick person. My weight is up. I am up to 137/138. Last week that is what I weighed at the doctor and I went back yesterday and it said 132. No way can I lose 5 pounds in a week ...every week. I eat. I do the best I can as I lay in bed completely wiped out from a poison that is put in through a needle into my veins that takes me from a state of feeling alive to a state of not even knowing I am actually alive. The chemo is the hardest thing about this process. I hate the chemo. I hate when I have to go and have it done . I hate when it takes over my body and my mind and it's almost as if it paralyzes me! I hate the high's and low's of this disease. I start feeling good after a treatment and then it's time to do another and I am completely knocked back down again. Seems the longer I do the treatments the worse I hate it and the worse I feel. I lay in bed for a minimum of three days and can't do anything much except  take a shower every day and do my best to eat and drink as much as I can. I try so hard... like I try at everything in my life. I am an over achiever. I am one of those people that will be at the top. I am aggressive and proud. I just feel that I have no control over this disease. I have no say so about how I am going to feel on any certain day and after traveling this road 10.5 months I am a little frustrated. 

Attached is the link to my video I made today about how I feel about my Pet Scan and it's results

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce1nAJmZCOY

I am fighting this monster the only way I know how and that's as aggressive and strong as I can. I am suppose to be all of these things..Cheerful, strong, happy, aggressive, a warrior... and in the midst of what I am suppose to be this disease is beating me down at every turn. I hate cancer. I hate it with every single part of my being. I just want to be free of this. I wonder if I can ever mentally be free from this disease? I guess it's because even when I get to the "Remission" state of this there are going to be test every 3 months and if it comes back we will be fighting it hard from the onset. 

There are days that all I can do is cry. I try my BEST not to call my brother and sister on those days. I try not to cry to them. I know how much it hurts them when I am fearing something. I want control of this. I want to fix this ... I am a fixer... I can (I thought I could) fix anything. I am trying to be every thing I need to be for every single person and when things don't go right (just like in anything you do in life) I get so frustrated and mad. I scream sometimes. Sometimes I just want to find a stranger and curse them out for no reason or blame of their own. I bite my tongue as hard as it is .. I let things just be because sometimes it's just not worth the fight anymore. Life goes on with cancer, you still have all the same things about paying bills and living your life. It's tough at times. I am the independent person I have always been feeling so dependent on so many people. I reach out for comfort sometimes to people and I have literally been turned away. It's to hard for them to hear me cry to feel my pain. They would rather just pretend that I am no longer their friend because it makes it easier for them. I guess it would and then in turn it makes it harder for me. It's okay I see things differently now and I can take people for their face value. To bad I didn't know how they would have treated me all those years ago or I would have never been their friend in the first place. Losing friendships during this time is really hard for me too. I am disappointed by people. I am hurt and frustrated but I can not control other people. I think most people whether on the inside or the outside of my disease think I have all these people always around me and keeping me company. Most days that is so far from the truth. I have a special group of people that do love and support me day in and day out... Those are my heroes because it takes a hero to go through this disease with someone. I know that it's as heartbreaking for them to go through the day in and day out things of this disease with me. I just know that I could not make it through any of this without them. You can not understand how it feels for someone you love to have cancer until you have someone you love that has cancer. It's mentally exhausting.  It hurts me and I know it hurts the ones that love me to most just as much. 

The one other tough thing is.... still trying to be a loving, caring, nurturing mom through all of this. Trying to make a 6 year old understand why I can't get up and why I can't open my eyes to play with her is hard. She has the most inward view of this disease. She understands a lot more than I can even give her credit for. A 6 year understanding and dealing day in and day out of cancer is hard and completely and utterly unfair. Breaks my heart every time she has to face something new with me. Last week she had to learn all about pricking your finger and testing your glucose. It makes me sad. She should be playing baby dolls and being sheltered from this disease. I can't do that when I am her full time care taker. She wants to be with me. She comforts me more than she will ever know. She gives me the strength to keep this heartbreaking process going. The bond that we have is nothing short of amazing. I am loved by her... I am truly unconditionally loved by her. 

The other morning she was full of questions which gave me a great idea, we have decided to write a book together.  I thought I wanted to name it "Nobody will ever love you as much as your mama does" Then at the mall yesterday I found a shirt that say's "Live Your Life" (which I am wearing for my pet scan today) and I think that title totally suits the book much better. We will see. I have been asking her lots of questions on her feelings and I have had her draw pictures that almost take my breath away. I think sharing cancer through her eyes is something she will hold dear forever. I told her I want to donate 20% of profit to the  liver cancer group I am now a part of... The Georgia Liver Coalition , and the other part I want put away for her college tuition and her wedding. Maybe we will sell a lot of books and maybe we wont...but... whatever we make goes to a great cause and through that I feel a sense of happiness through the understanding of a disease with a little 6 year old leading the way. 

There are high's and low's of this disease. Today, I pray for a high. I pray to God that my Pet Scan shows no activity in any of the tumors. Today as I lay on that machine and have it scan my body for this horrible monster I pray this monster is defeated and gone from my life forever. There are days I fear every thing and others I fear nothing at all. I share this journey from my heart ... From the very being of my soul because I have to be open and honest with all of you because it makes me be open and honest with myself. 

There are things that I could go on and on about ... Things that I don't like that other people do or don't do. But honestly for once in my life this journey is about me. I am about me and I will forever be a changed person for going through all of this. I am in no way ever fighting with someone again. I am going to tell people my feelings and leave things where they lay. I don't need to have the last word or to try and make any one feel guilty about what they did or didn't do because at this point in my life you are either with me or you are without me. It's as simple as that.... It took getting cancer and going through all of this to realize the true simplicity of what that really means.