Blog #87 Emory, MRI, and Hope for Remission

On my way to Emory to have an MRI early this morning, to see if the tumor board will approve a resection of my liver on the right side. Doesn't that sound like a horrible way to start the week? It does in some ways and yet in others it could be what gives me back a Cancer free life and how can that be horrible?

I'm very nervous as to the results. I am a control freak and traveling this journey there isn't a thing I'm able to control. I just have to "GO WITH IT" sometimes that really is just the hardest thing to do. I have all my faith in Dr Chamsuddin and if he feel this is my only option than I refuse to question it. I know he will only lead me down the road of success through fighting this 

Yesterday,  I spent most of the afternoon crying when no one else was around and just cried my eyes out. Cried because I have this disease .. I cried because I still have to fight.I  Cried for the unknown which is dumb because really there is nothing to cry about when you don't even know what you are crying for. I have to do this. I have to go lay my little body in a tube for 30 minutes while a machine spins around me making images of my body so that the specialist on a board at Emory can make a decision about what can and should be done with me. This Cancer is nasty. It's slow growing but regardless it's growing inside of me as we did the Y90 I pray to God got it all... but the issue is this beast just wants to come back! It likes me. It like attacking my body and as I work so hard to fight to get rid of it apparently it's  fighting just as hard to stay just where it is! 

I'm okay. I'm recovering well from the last Y90 a few days ago. It takes a little time and my body needs rest and it's really hard to rest good when you are taking steroids ...those just seem to jack me up. I only slept a few hours last night. My mind kept wondering all over the place. I want to just tell it sometimes to just stop thinking to give me break! It doesn't work. 

It been a tough week I loss 3 people I know that had Cancer and were fighting for their lives. I hurts every time I hear about anyone passing from this horrible disease but it doesn't do anything less than make me want to fight harder.

 

I'm not a quitter I have never a day in my life been a quiter and I'm not about to start now just because the battle has gotten tougher. I have the strongest desire to live inside me. I want to see my little girl grow up. I deserve this. Everyone deserves this and like so many before me and so many that will  be after me I will fight my ass off to the bitter end. 

I have things I want to do and I am hoping that I can see those things through to the end of success. 

I'm almost there to get this done and I've put my big girl panties on and I will walk into this appointment as confident as I always do and know no matter what I feel inside I have a mission to accomplish and this is just another step in my ultimate recovery. 

The MRI was a success. I have never had one before ...so I really didn't know what to expect. I knew it couldn't really be that different from a CT Scan or a Pet Scan. I was taken back immediately, that's the plus of being the first patient of the day. I had to change into a hospital gown and a huge pair of hospital pants.  I laid on a the scan table and was given an IV for the dye that would be administered during the test (another thing I wasn't expecting) the machine is weird. It's like a tunnel you are pushed into and you are given huge headphones I wasn't sure what those were for until I was in the machine and the buzzing and machine itself was incredibly loud. It wasn't bad in and out of there in less than 20 minutes. I left the hospital thinking... well lets say not thinking and didn't get a copy of my disc. Once I got back to work Dr Chamsuddin called to remind me ( I'm not sure he thought he had to remind me but I think he thought I would have been there already. Because he knows I'm on top of it. I'm there before he even ever calls to see me) so I had to get  my driver(Chris) to come back and get me. I couldn't drive  because I have to taken a pain pill as my back hurts and I'm  still recovering from the procedure, Chris took me back down to Emory, I waited an hour, and off we went to Covington to drop it off at the hospital.

  It's there and when he gets the chance he will view it. It's been a long day and now I'm home laying in my bed resting and trying to recover before having to go and do chemo on Wednesday morning. Tomorrow should be a full day at the office, at least I hope so.   

A friend of mine texted me today and I thought I would share what she said about Dr Chamsuddin:

He is everything I would want in a doctor.  So glad you have him in your court!

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Pray that the best decision is made for my future because I plan on living a long time and fighting for every day I have if I have to!!!

Blog #86 Third Y-90, Inner Peace, and Living Life.....

It's going to be another big week for me. I am scheduled for my third Y-90 treatment on this Thursday. I am more ready to get this done and over with than I am anxious for the procedure. I have a little anxiety but I am pretty good and secure  when it comes to getting this treatment. I am not put to sleep, I am just given a twilight injection. I am hoping the success of  this treatment is as good as the last two treatments were for me previously. 

I know that I am fortunate.... that I am able to have another injection and hoping that the treatment gets these new five tumors, and not only stops them in their tracks but will keep it  from anything else coming back! 

Life is really good. I am feeling good and I can honestly say that I have an inner peace that I have not had this entire journey. I have had a lot of fear. I allowed my mind to go to those "What if " places that any one would go to. I let myself fear life because I was so scared of dying. I just think that it's hard to be positive while you are fearing every thing that may or may not happen. I have told and forced my mind to stop.... to just appreciate the life I have . To enjoy life. To make plans. I didn't make plans and I made excuses saying that " I might not feel good" I don't do that anymore . I make plans and I have made my plans for my Mexico Girls Trip 60 days out and now we are 38 days from boarding the plane... It seemed like the time would never get here and we are now almost half way to the time to leave. I am glad now we didn't plan for April, May will give me enough time to get to feeling better and get my strength back. 

I had another person I met online contact me this week, I found myself giving some really good advice. I know each of us have our own journey and I know that we all have the same kind of things that run through our minds.  This person was saying how they needed to get their affairs in order just in  case. We should all have our affairs in order some of us are not even given a chance to fight for our lives some people die in an instant with a accident, a heart attack, or even a gunshot just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Getting your affairs in order doesn't mean that you give up, it just means just in case something happens you have things in order for the people you leave behind. I have all my stuff together. I have my will made out. I have written letters to my little daughter, so far to the age of 16, I cry sometimes when I have written some of these letters but I think it makes me happier to know that I can be a part of those special days just in case I don't make it through this or anything else life has to throw at me. 

I decided that I am going to be happy ... Happiness is about letting go of the fears and letting your heart and mind  enjoy all the things you have in your life that you love doing! I don't miss any of my little grandson's ballgames. I go to Evan's gymnastic classes. I try my best to be a good mama, and grandmother. I just know that life is short no matter what you are facing and for me I think that you can be happy through anything you are facing in life. It's a choice and I totally chose happiness. 

I take a lot of pride in my job. I think with me continuing to work, my business servicing my customers and writing new business it really has helped me in my recovery. It has kept my mind busy and an I know that an idle mind can make you sicker in ways that you create yourself. I have not changed anything about my life over these last 14 months besides trying to get well from each procedure and chemo and being down and out for a few days. I have tried to remain "ME" I think there have been times that I felt that I had to change I had to be this person I didn't know. This sick person with cancer.  I no longer feel that way. I am me, I feel healthy and happy and I don't think I have to change anything ..... adjust maybe, sometimes but not change. 

I have found comfort in music too. Country, rock, whatever... I turn on Pandora and just pick whatever I am in the mood for. Sometimes.... I listen and cry and sometimes I dance like no one is watching.  I get in the car sometimes and some catchy song will come on and I just sing my lungs out. I love those uplifting, get you out of your seat kind of songs that just make you want to smile and be happy. When you get down and out about whatever you have going on in life... music can truly sooth the soul . I believe that!

No chemo tomorrow I think it will be to hard to do chemo this week and the Y-90..... so I am going in for blood work tomorrow and hopefully my counts will be up from what they were last week. I am feeling good tho. It's weird the lower my white cell count is the more energy I have another friend that does chemo with me said the same thing last week. Bodies are weird. 

I am happy with how I am looking these days. My hair is coming back but I am still wearing a wig. A friend saw the new wig picture I posted and asked if I went and had my hair done. She thought it was my real hair, which is a good thing but it's not. I just laughed because I thought if I had this great hair I would never wear a wig another day in my life. I keep thinking about all the people that can't afford to change wigs as much as I do. I don't wash them I just buy a new one. I need to be giving away some of the older ones I have ... If anyone is interested in them. I will be more than happy to mail them to you. Just a thought. 

Sunday is Easter, I was telling my little grandson's father last night at his ballgame that I got engaged on Easter in 2003. He had my engagement ring hidden in an Easter egg. It was sweet and cute. He was a good guy and he's happily married to someone else now. But I am always reminded of the engagement ring in the Easter egg this time of year. Another old boyfriend always teased me about that and said he was going to do the same thing one day, he never did. Good thing since we also broke up. Life is funny how certain times of the year or situations make us think of milestones in our life long since gone but not forgotten.

 I have every thing all ready for Easter my brother and I went to lunch today and I had him stop by Hobby Lobby on the way back to the office, poor thing, he called and got his vehicle and was sitting out in front of the store waiting on me after me taking so long, he has waited on me more in the last 14 months... than he ever did before. When we did mortgages he opened my own office to get me out of his hair and now he doesn't leave my side. He is the best brother in the world. I know his heartache as been more than he would have ever let me see or know over these last 14 months but we had a long talk last week and I told him we have done all we can do. We have gone near and far, high and low, up and down, and all around to cure me and there is no stone that we have left unturn and we can not live  the rest of our lives worried about what could happen. It will happen no matter what we want,my fate is truly in God's hands and I am at peace with it all. I want to live and I do believe I am a miracle but the fear of what could be can drive a person insane... We have to live and we have to live to be happy and worrying about things we can not control will not do that for either one of us. 

I have another friend that has cancer I am good friends with his brother and the brother has told me more than once that his brother was at peace with things. I could not understand how in the world he could be at peace. I thought I could never be at peace with my disease and it's just another thing I was wrong about. Life is what it's going to be.. I do not control the future. I can do my best as I have and will continue to do so but I have to find the peace that lies within us all at some point or another in our lives where we just let go of the control and just live. I want to live. I am happier. I cry don't get me wrong but I don't have the questions in my mind like I did, because I won't allow it. I want to spend whatever time I have left on this earth inspiring others, being happy and spending time with the people I love, I have truly seen and felt what love is about over these last 14 months. I have been consoled  by some amazing people. People that have given of their hearts to me and my family and not expected anything in return and I am so grateful for them all. It's really hard to find true and good friends when you need them. You don't have to find them... They find you and boy have I been fortunate to have had them come to be with me without reservation or fail when I have needed them. I am a giver and at first it really took a lot for me to accept what I have been given without trying to offer something in return.  I have learned to accept and say Thank you .. because I know that they would not be doing the things they have for me if they didn't want to do it. 

It's kind of funny. My little Evan was playing on the playground over last weekend at my nephews ballgame and we told her not to wear her boots because she would want to play, she didn't listen (she can be a little hard headed like her mama) anyways, she wore them and got hurt. Chris thought that she tore her ACL. We brought her home and she cried in pain and cried in pain so  we took her to Newton  Medical Center, by the time the PA came into see her, she was up walking, 2 hours after the injury she was fine, but we were already there so we waited and just had her checked out anyways. Her dad, step mom, and little sister all came too. It was a family reunion.  They said they were glad to see me, he had not seen me even picking up Evan every other weekend because I was always home in my pj's with my wig off and I refused to let him see me.They said they had asked Evan how I was and she said ... I was in the bed a lot.  He said they had assumed the worse but it was so reassuring and refreshing to see me looking and feeling so good I just I just had not thought about it. I know I put my selfie's on facebook a lot only because I want people to see I am looking and feeling good. It's been an important part of this process as I so publicly share my journey through this horrible disease. 

No word from Obama yet on my letter, I may not hear a word but hoping that it reaches him and tugs at his heart strings enough to want to do something to not only help me but others in my same situation. When I did the Y-90 and had such great success with it I was determined to make sure every oncologist gives every patient in my position the opportunity to do the treatment but looking deeper into this the first step is making sure that these insurance companies will pay for it first. It's the steps the process of helping others that seem to be changing in my desire and hopes in making a difference.Even if these people are getting the information for the Y-90 they may not be able to have it because it will not be approved by their insurance carriers. That is why I started my petition to make my insurance carriers accountable and to help change the path for not only myself but for other people as well. I hope that through my journey I can make a difference. I am no  Florence Nightingale,I am just me... Christy Hicks a woman that has a  desire to do something bigger and better for the success of not only myself but for others along my own road I am traveling . 

I'm excited about the future.  I am hoping the Y-90 does it's job and does it as perfectly as it has the past two times. I hope that I go to Mexico and have the greatest time and enjoy the memories I get to make with some very good and special friends. I hope that my petition continues to grow and spread  my message that medical necessity should be determined between the doctor and patient.  I did not realize that I could read message from people that signed the petition, there was one that meant the world to me ... Everyone deserves their mother. I took that one to heart and hope you will too because it is true. You can sign my petition on the right side of the blog on a desktop version, and you can also chose to share it on FB the more this gets out into the world the better off I and everyone else traveling now or in the future with this disease will have their own chance at getting this treatment to save their lives. When you do something not only for yourself but for others along the way how could it not be a great thing?

Don't cry for me ... Pray for me....  Life is so great and I plan to live mine to the fullest as should you. 

Blog #85 Letter to President Obama

3/24/2015

Dear President Obama,

I am reaching out to you with the fight for my life. I am a single mother from Loganville Georgia.  February 6, 2014 my life was changed forever. I went from being a healthy active citizen of this great country, to now being told I had stage four liver cancer (cholangiocaricnoma) and my life expectancy was a very small time frame. My disease is very progressed.  The liver has no feeling and therefore;  it is not detected early for that reason alone. It isn’t until the patient is in the late stage of the disease, when it starts affecting other things in the body, that’s when it can be found. As sad as that is, it’s the truth of this disease.

The reason I am writing to you is because not only was I paying for health insurance, but I had two individual health care plans that combined, I am paying over $800 a month for.  My claims are not being paid for by these two insurance carriers I pay my monthly premiums to.

The only option for even a little hope in my life was for me to have two different procedures which were  Y90 and ablations. Which I did have two Y 90’s last year along with ten ablations, all since the end of May last year.   Neither of the insurance companies I have coverage through have paid anything. My insurance carriers are Coventry One and Humana. These procedures are FDA Approved and yet they refuse to pay for the treatments. They state that the procedures are “Experimental and not deemed Medically Necessary” which is so far from the truth.

I was not given any hope at life President Obama, seven out of eight oncologists told me to take chemo and I would certainly be dead within 12 months if not much sooner. One hospital told my family to take me home and make me as comfortable as possible because there was nothing anyone could do to save me.  If I were like most patients in this country and believed what every doctor said (they are the professionals) I would be dead now and not sitting here writing and asking for your help.

I currently owe Newton Medical Center over $480,000 and I believe there can be no price tag out on a life. I believe that life is precious and every life is worth saving. That is what the core of this country is built on helping others. The Y90 and ablations have killed and destroyed all the existing tumors that covered 80% of my liver, and unfortunately there are five new tiny spots that need to be treated with the Y90 and it’s become an issue because of the outstanding balance I already have with the hospital. I am suppose to have this procedure next week and I hope that they will stretch themselves out in faith at this community hospital to help me in my fight for my life. I believe they will but I feel and know it is my obligation to make sure they get paid.

I have given you the very short version of this situation and ask that you have someone contact me that can research this and that can make sure the benefits in my insurance policies be used to my benefit for the maximum coverage that should be afforded in the policy without me having to go through extreme measures.

A bunch of denied claims for not being medically necessary that is saving the life of its member should be re-evaluated and determined by these insurance carriers that any life saved is medically necessary and a covered benefit under a insurance plan that focuses on life and good health of their members.

My contact information is as follows:

Mary C (Christy) Hicks

 Loganville, GA 30052

Cell Phone: 770-714-8454

Email address: singlemombook@gmail.com

Please help me, not only for me but for all the patients that come along after me that will need the same options to save their lives. The patients are not being told and most oncologists don’t like the treatment because they don’t believe that it will save lives…. I am living proof they are wrong. This cancer is a growing epidemic today it’s only 16,000 cases per year tomorrow it could turn into 50,000. It’s a very strong and growing cancer help me to be the one that fights for the lives of the precious patients and families it attacks.

When I started this journey, I decided to open my fight with cancer to others in the world. I write a blog that you can find at ……http://dontcryformeprayforme.blogspot.com/   I have had over 430,000 people read my blog. This accounts for a lot of lives, hoping to see a survivor ….in a disease that takes most of the lives it attacks.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

Mary C Hicks

I attached this photo with my letter 

Blog #84... Jealousy is such an ugly emotion....

Next week should be another big week,  I am hoping to have my 3rd Y-90 procedure...I'm  just waiting to hear from Newton Medical Center, if they have approved and scheduled it. I should be hearing anytime. 

There have been a few hurtful things that happened last week, that I experienced . A customer's cousin had some back pain,  started seeing a chiropractor, which referred him back to his primary care doctor. The primary care doctor diagnosed him with stage 4 liver cancer, oncologist suggested chemo, he did one treatment and ended up in the hospital, because it made him so sick. The next day he was admitted into hospice and passed away that night.  It's always heart breaking for me to hear when someone else loses their lives to this horrible disease. Another friend of mine has been admitted into hospice this past week, at the end of her courageous battle with cancer. 

I read an article about a CNN reporter that had a benign  brain tumor, she was saying how she had survivor's remorse. I guess I can understand that in some ways, but this battle isn't a group disease... it's really an individual battle to overcome and survive. I don't feel remorse for living and fighting this disease. I don't feel guilty for having another day with my family and friends..... I find myself more grateful than anything else. I could have been the one that lost my life. I wasn't suppose to live 6 to 8 weeks as progressed as my disease was ....and here I am almost 14 months later living, breathing, and fighting for what I want... a chance for another day to live on this earth and to be loved and to love the people in my life. 

I get frustrated..... I get mad and sometimes &  I just want to scream ... I want the world to stop and somehow miraculously make me better!  Make me the person that no longer has this disease. I want to be that one person  that has taken all that I can from having to fight for my life to make a huge difference in the world ... Sometimes.... the world is so mean and cruel that I can't even begin to find myself understanding how some people even should have a chance to have a good life while others fight every single day  for theirs.

 I know that sounds selfish and mean of me to say.... but, I heard that someone was being told how well I was doing and this person says "Really, she is doing good... I thought she would be dead by now"  I thought what a real bitch. A woman that I barely know. A woman that I have not even crossed paths with in the last 13 years and that is what is said about me! I think it's sad that someone would even say that about me..... much less anyone that is fighting for their lives. What a horrible representation of human life. I didn't cry when I heard that she said that about me. I thought to myself what a jealous and mean soul that woman must really have. I actually felt sorry for her. To be so mean and cold inwardly must be a horrible way to live your life.  The hatred in some people shines through in more ways that most people can ever see. Sometimes..... the outside isn't at all what the inside of someone truly represents. I wasn't going to share this but you know what it's real life... These things happen all the time. To so many people. It's not just me, it's others it's what people do. As sad as it may be it's just LIFE!

Things other than that are good. I had chemo last Wednesday and to be honest it seems that it's a lot easier on my body these days. I use to be down and out for 3 days and not be able to get up out of bed. But, since my steroid got cut in half I see a huge difference in how the treatment effect how I am feeling. I don't feel great... but, I am not home laying in bed all weekend... I have been up and out and about. Which is awesome news for sure. 

I bought a yoga tape and started doing yoga yesterday. I am hoping to start stretching some muscles. I find myself stiff... I suppose mostly from being down and out so much over the last 14 months. I am glad I feel good enough to stretch and to start working on this full recovery of my body. It's really not just about overcoming the cancer, it's about getting my body back into shape and transforming myself into a healthy person all around, again. 

I am feeling pretty good. I have been enjoying watching my grandson play baseball. I am just enjoying my life. With last week's news, that we got all the old cancer, and there are new spots I realized that I am in this long term battle. It's a matter of maintaining and staying ahead of the cancer, and getting it before it has the opportunity to get me. I am the lucky one for this reason alone.

 The cancer doesn't have a chance to kill me, I will fight this monster until the very last spot that shows up in my body. I have been and will continue to win my battle with this monster. I hope that through my journey that no matter what you may be facing personally in your own lives, that you see the will to live. The fight isn't always going to go the way we want or expect it to ...but it's about staying on the course. It's about giving it your all. It's about believing that you can do it  no matter what obstacles you may face along the way. Nothing is easy in life. Their are peaks and valley's . There are the days where everything couldn't be any  better and days when you feel it just can't get any worse. We all face our own trials in life. We all make choices that lead our lives in directions that are not always clear at the time. That's why they call them choices. Nothing is  ever really certain except ...Death is certain for us all one day. None of us will live forever!

 I just hope to live a long life to have the chance to see cancer through to the next level of remission and recovery in people that had no chance of recovery in the past. I would love to be a spokes person for this disease. To spread hope. To give a chance at life to people that have been given no hope for life... To spread hope of  options that may not be the easiest road but the better chance at survival. . I could have taken the news I was told and just gone and lived the rest of the life that I had to live and not gone through all that I had but the certainty of death wasn't the option I was choosing, the chance at remission and a longer life was my choice and I am glad I was given that chance by Dr. Chamsuddin and Newton Medical Center. Without this doctor and hospital I would have been gone by now. I wanna say "look at me now" 

Thursday night last week my grandson came and spent the night with us. The next morning I was getting him ready for school, I asked if he wanted grandma to put gel in his hair... He looked at me and said "No, thanks" I asked "Is it because grandma isn't cool?" he looked at me and said "well, you very pretty though" I laughed. I just love him to pieces. 

Hopefully, my next blog will be letting you know when I am having the next Y-90 and I hope that you will continue to pray for me and my family! Pray for great results with the Y-90 and that we lead this disease to be totally removed  from my body once and for all. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me! 

Blog #78....One year later.... The day I wasn't expected to see....

One year ago today....I was told that I had liver cancer and it was very bad. I will never forget that day and moment  as long as I live. 2/6/2014 changed every thing I thought I knew about my life. It changed me as a person, mother, friend, sister, and a woman. It changed how I saw the world and how I thought these things only happen to other people. 

I really had not known or even heard  much about cancer. I didn't know what it was going to mean in my life! I knew in my heart and soul in those first few days  that my time left on this earth was probably very limited, I knew that liver cancer was certainly a death sentence. 

 I spent the first several days thinking about having to leave my little girl on this earth without her mama and the pain was so unbearable for me. I cried so much those first few  days. It hurt me so bad to know that I was sick, and to know that it was consuming 80% of my liver... the and chances for me to live were not great or even hopeful at all...really! I denied my fears to everyone I knew, I showed on the outside what I longed to feel on the inside. I didn't want anyone I loved hurting as much as I was hurting. I knew if I stayed strong they would have no choice but to stay strong themselves.

 My life flashed before my eyes, I began writing notes to my little girl for all the birthday's I probably was not going to be here for. I tried my best to make amends with things in my life that I felt I needed to do. I said the things that I needed and wanted to say, I wrote my will and planned my daughters future without me. I had a million things running through my mind, and as I feared so deep in my heart and soul that I would not survive the one great thing about it all was I didn't feel sick. I hurt in my side and I knew the cancer was there but I felt fine. I would ask  my brother over and over again "I feel healthy. How can I be so sick?" He would always reply "I don't know but you really aren't healthy you are sick" I knew it but I could not allow this disease to  take the core of who Iwas and change me and force me to give into what I thought was my destiny. I just could not do it. I wanted to be strong if for no one other reason's than for my daughter's and grandson. They needed me and I needed them. I wanted to live and yet I wasn't sure I would and if I did... how long I would I even  have.  I was told by 7 out of 8 doctors that I would do chemo for 12 months and that would be my life expectancy. 12 months ...  

I cried when no one else was around. I begged God to spare my life. I hugged my little girl and grandson tighter than I ever had before. I let my mind think of all the things that I could try and do to help in saving myself. I didn't want to die. I feared it so bad. I feared that my family would have to sit there and watch me wither away until I took my last breath's on this earth and I don't think  anything ever hurt me as much as those feelings did. I was so close to death and then....... I tried every thing... I drank drops of peroxide, I took baths in baking soda, I changed my diet to completely to eating healthy, I traveled all over the country meeting with doctors, I did vitamin C through my veins 3 days a week, a shot of vitamin D once a week, sat with a heat lamp shining directly on my liver 3 days a week for 1 hour at a time, I sat in a heat box in my living room several times a week for 20 minutes.... There was nothing I wasn't willing to try to get rid of this disease, and through all this time I did all of that over 6 weeks and went back for a scan and the tumors had grown a little and my cancer marker went from 1480 to 8800... I knew I was headed in the wrong direction. I had been determined that I would not do chemo. I didn't want to do it, I feared it more than I had ever feared any thing in my life but I knew in those moments the results from my scan coming back, I knew what direction I had to go, I had no choice! I had to give myself the best shot at killing this cancer and it was apparent what I was doing was not working.  I called Dr. Chamsuddin and asked if I could bring my updated scan to him to review and we made an appointment for the Monday after Mothers Day...   

Evan on World Cancer Day 2/4/2015

Dr. Chamsuddin gave me a glimmer of hope. He never committed to me to save my life. He said "Your only hope is the Y-90" He saved me ... He will never know my appreciation and my heartfelt bond I have with him. He pulled me through this disease that should have been my death sentence and he used his expertise and took a chance on me when I am sure he wasn't sure that I would even make it.I often wonder how it felt to be him in those earlier days and even still. Having to take me into do all these procedures and see all my friends and family each time before he did what he was going to do for me. I know that has to be tough. He has a heart even though he is a doctor, he has feelings. He told me one time, my support system has been a lot of the success of my procedures. He knew from the first day that he met me how loved I am and I can only imagine how tough that is. I guess he puts the personal aspect out of his mind, or else how can you try and be the best you can be if you think of anything outside of what your job is. He has a talent beyond what I could have ever expected as a patient. Without him, I would be gone from this earth by now, I would be a memory to the people that love me.

 I would be the voice they long to hear on the other end of the phone, or the face they missed seeing every day. I have a bond with my family that is amazing. We grew up so differently than we are now. I know that I can never repay my brother and sister for everything they have done for me through this. I just know that without them I would not have been strong enough to make the tough choices I have had to make and survived. They are as much of my survival as anyone else is. They don't read my blogs, I think because it would hurt them to deep to read my inner most heartfelt feelings but they love me just the same and hopefully one day they will feel strong enough to want  to read them and know how it felt to be the inner part of myself through all of this. 

 Dr. Chamsuddin never said either way  if I would or would not make it through all of this... but I know he was hoping and praying I would, as much as my family and I were. He gives  me his all when he is working on killing this monster inside of me. I know that! I hope that he knows I am more grateful than words could ever express! He gave me my life back, I don't even know if I can find the words to say how amazing that truly is to me. I know I still have my moments that I get upset, but I am still fighting the fight, it's not gone completely but it's 99% gone and that is incredible.  I don't fear that I will die anymore. I just know that I want the cancer gone. I want to hear those words REMISSION. I was hoping and been praying that I would be done with every thing by today, my one year anniversary, it didn't happen,and that's okay. It's okay because I am here I am alive and I am better in so many ways than I was 12 months ago. We are all hoping and praying that the last procedure a week ago this past Monday got all 5 tiny spots of what is was left of the cancer. My next Pet Scan is being scheduled for sometime mid March... As we are all anxious to hear the results. 

1 YEAR.......

I'm a walking, talking, and living miracle. It wan't my time. Maybe I cheated death out of taking me and I can't say enough how grateful I am for that. Life isn't about money, rising up the corporate ladder, it's truly about living life, being loved and loving, family, friends, and happiness. Finding happiness in times like I have faced have been tough at times but I have really worked hard at keeping my spirit up, keeping a positive attitude, and being strong enough to face every thing I have had to face and to keep fighting the fight. Cancer is terrible. Just the mere word makes me sick... I hate cancer. I hate all the people that I have met and have known that has gotten cancer too.

Today, I survived what I was told I would not. 12 months later and I am still here, strong , not in remission, not cancer free, but alive and happy, and so very close to being there and that is more than I could have ever asked for 1 year ago. 

Thank you Dr. Chamsuddin, for not ever giving up on me, for taking a chance in  saving my life, and for the amazing experience you have in making a difference in the lives of other people. I hope that today you celebrate my life because you are such a HUGE part of me having a future to live. Thank you a million times over. I will forever be grateful to you and for your amazing staff at Newton Medical Center for taking such good care of me. For being there to do what you all do best... Saving lives. 

Blog # 77... Closer to REMISSION for me....

I'm BACK.....

Dr. Chamsuddin did my last procedure... on 1/26/2015. Everything went smooth as it  usually does. I never expect any less from him. He is great!!! 

I'm finally getting back to being me again. I was down about a week. I hate that week where I can't really get up and get out and do anything! I am so tired and so run down from the procedure. This time the procedure lasted about 5 or 6 hours, that I was under, and it took me a little longer to get my thoughts back together. My brother said while I was in the hospital, that I would fall asleep for 5 minutes and I would wake up for 5 minutes. He said I did that Monday night and all day Tuesday. So.... by the time I was released on Wednesday... I needed rest and relaxation. Something you never get in the hospital, that's for sure. 

Dr, Chamsuddin said he was able to get to all 5 of the tumors that are left. He said that he burned them "good".  The next step is back to chemo for me tomorrow 2/4/2015, seems a little tough.. especially when, I am just today... really feeling as if I am recovering from the procedure.  But it's necessary, necessary to avoid this mess from spreading and I have come way too far now to let any chance of anything like that happening because I don't feel like doing it this week.

 I have had several people tell me to wait until next week when my strength is up, but honestly I don't want to wait a week, I have made this commitment and I have to follow the journey's path ....whether I like it or not. So, tomorrow I will be there to get my chemo as long as my blood counts are where they need to be in order for me to do so. All this means is another weekend of being in bed and getting thorough the hardships the chemo creates...... 

I have my next Pet Scan mid March, I will get my Oncologist office to schedule it for me tomorrow when I get there. I am hoping for the best news, nothing lights up on the scan, and this darn cancer got what it deserved and that it's gotten it's butt kicked. If that is the case, I will be considered in remission (if nothing lights up on the Pet Scan)  but I will continue chemo through May and hopefully be done with that mess for a long while, crossing my fingers and praying diligently. 

I have my life back. As I still fight for my life to rid my body of the rest of this disease I know that there is nothing greater than life and health ... When I recover from the chemo and procedures and the weeks that I don't have to do them, I feel amazing. Those amazing weeks get me through these weeks that are so hard on me and my entire body. I know that fighting isn't easy physically but mentally it's really sometimes even tougher. I have to push myself, I have to make myself do all the things that I know will bring me back up from the pain and hurt of the last things I have had done. I fight my way back each time. I know when to start fighting and when to rest and just let my body heal itself at times. 

I missed last week's gymnastic's class for my daughter because, I was in the hospital ,but you better believe I am going to be there tonight. Last Monday when I was leaving to go to the hospital and my sister was there to pick me up,. Evan stood in the doorway crying and begging me not to go. She was crying harder than I had ever seen her cry before and it tug at my heart strings more than it ever had before. I had to keep it together not only for her but for myself because I was hurting inside so bad for her and I knew that I had to keep my confidence and positive attitude as much as I could. The pain of all this isn't just the procedures, chemo, and all the physical things that go along with having cancer it's the emotional parts that are sometimes the hardest to endure. Evan has been incredible through all of this ... She is my rock .. Who would think that a 6 year old could be a grown woman's rock, she is though. That little girl loves me. she is my mini me if there ever could be. She is just like her mama, She is tough and tender all at the same time. Without her I honestly don't know that I could have kept it all together. She has given me and forced me to have the strength to get up out of the bed each time and fight my way back to feeling good again. I am so blessed and lucky to have her. She will be with her dad this weekend which is always a good time for me to catch up on much needed rest and relaxation. I have to say when she is in the house I don't get much of that. Even if she knows I am sleeping she comes in and checks on my which wakes me up ..every single time. She just loves me and I do my best not to get frustrated with her~! 

Mid March will be the true answer to what needs to be done next, let's hope nothing! Regardless each time Dr. Chamsuddin goes in I find myself getting closer and closer to remission. I am grateful. 

I had a defining moment that I wanted to share... 

I am part of a group on FB and a lady on there wrote that she saw her oncologist and that the ct scan results were not what they were hoping for and that she could no longer do any chemo or treatments and they were calling hospice in. Apparently she has been fight this same cancer I have for the last 2 years. Broke my heart for her. I don't know her and yet, I know her feelings and her pain of a disease that takes us all at one time or another even if in our minds to a large place of uncertainty in our own lives as cancer patients.  What hit me was she posted a little later that she had asked her doctor what her cancer marker was ... (which is the same cancer marker as I have) and she said it was at 368,000 she said that now had just become a number to her... I looked at my cancer marker growing from 168 to 300 and back down to 240 and how I was upset and I thought I should be ashamed of myself. I really did. WOW!!!! I have gone back to check on her and her post are gone now. I am not sure what that means and I hope it doesn't mean what I think it might. She was beautiful and she said all she wanted was to see her daughter graduate college, she was in her second year. She wanted to be the mother of the bride and Grandma!   It's hard to be part of group where people are suffering and they are passing away but I want to give people hope and have reached several people with the Y-90 treatment that are working on getting their own treatments. If I can save one person it makes this whole think worth it for me. I just want to help give hope, encouragement, strength, and direction to people that truly feel as if they have no where else to go! 

This disease, since day one has been bigger than just myself. The world is catching this disease. One day you are well, the next you are may just be fighting for your life. I know that I am no expert at any of this but I have the will and deserve to live and I will fight for my life the rest of my life. This coming Friday will be 1 year since being diagnosed with this horrible disease a year seems to have flown by and in other ways it seems like yesterday. Weird how all that works. 

I was told I would be dead within 12 months and here I am about to surpass that point and looking so far into the future that the past and it's uncertainty and misery has no place in my future. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me... God is Good! 

Blog #75.... Another Chance At Remission.......Revised Blog

I posted this all happy blog below and then got heartbreaking news... my cancer maker has gone from 168 to 300 ... I can not stop the tears from coming out of my eyes. I have worked so hard, I have done every single thing I am suppose to do and then I get this set back and I want to just scream .. I have been moving full speed ahead and then to get this kind of news hurts me so deeply. I just want this nightmare to be over and it's just that crappy slap in the face reminder that I am not the one in control of this. I don't determine anything that happens. Then on top off that bad news, I got a call that my procedure has been moved until next Monday. Ugh. 

 I could let this determined the rest of my day, I could sit here and cry but instead I am taking off early and going to take my little girl to see Annie at the movies.. because she loves me and because she would never want me sitting and crying over this... My brother just said that the marker might have something to do with the iron pills or the metformin I have been given for the increase in my glucose levels, which has been  created by the steroid I have to take with the chemo. Every action has a reaction.. My brother is right! I am not in control of any of this. I do what I am suppose to do and I take the good with the bad news and roll with it. My fear is I deal with this the rest of my life.. The reality is I will deal with this the rest of my life. I know that I am not going to go into remission and be there forever. This cancer will possibly and probably come back, it's the reality I have to face. I don't want to have to face it but  I have to. I am okay now, the tears have stopped. I had my little pity party and cried my eyes out and realize that how far I have come and where I still have left to go. I knew that I wasn't in remission and if this little set back were to control my destiny I would never get there. I am stronger then this monster and it may have a small victory today for whatever reason but it hasn't seen this Monday coming yet. 

I wanted to hide this from the world. I didn't want anyone to know but it's part of the journey and for me I would rather share it all than not share any of it. Say a little prayer for me today and know that I am okay, I am stronger than this heartbreaking news.. today and always. 


7 more days and I am back to Newton Medical Center with Dr. Chamsuddin.  It's hard to believe the last procedure I had was 2 months ago. Wow! I have had a lot of time to heal, other than the times that I have had to take the chemo, I am feeling  really good. This is my on week of chemo and I am having the procedure instead. I am hoping it's a quick in and out and I am done. That the last 5 spots of this monster get's it's due and I am done with this mess.

 I started thinking the other day what I am going to do when I am no longer having to fight this monster every day. When I am done with the procedures and done with the chemo treatments considering it has consumed the last year of my life... I have big plans. I have some doctors I plan to go and see. I have people telling me not to waste my time, that they won't listen. When I am there in front of them standing in  remission..I don't think they can help but listen to me! I have politician's I want to see. I want to fight for the right of every single patient that is facing my same disease to have their own choice of life, that they are given all the options that are FDA approved and given the same chance at HOPE that I had been given! Because most times patients are not given these options by their Oncologist.

 Prime example: I have a new friend I met on a support group page on FB for my same form of cancer! She is a sweetheart. I saw she posted the other day that she saw another doctor for a second opinion (1.5 years after being on chemo for her cancer) and this doctor suggested Y-90... I was tickled until I continued reading that she discussed that with her Oncologist and he said she would have to be off chemo for 2 months before she could do it. I wanted to jump through the computer screen, I instantly called her and told her I didn't even start doing chemo until the week after my first Y-90. I begged her to do the Y90 and I hope that she will. I can't make people do things but I can tell them of the success I had ... I had 18 tumors and she has one. The chemo has not shrunk her tumor nor has it grown really but it's there she needs it gone. She has a chance she has a doctor willing to do it, I hope to God she does. I pray for her every night. She knew about the Y90 from me posting on the FB page about my own success so she was excited about learning more. It's not about learning more really it's about seeing if you are a candidate for the treatment and going for it. 
Wouldn't it be great to hear about her remission too? I want to get to know the best Interventional Radiologist all across the country so I can refer every person I met in their city to them. Other people have hobbies. I have a mission!




 I started writing a letter to one of the doctors and honestly a letter would not do justice for what I have endured to prove that I made the right  choice when I was told It wasn't the right choice for me. This isn't about "I told you so " as much as it is about my hearts desire to help save other people. I have this burning desire inside of me to make a difference. To show these doctors that are old school text books that something more can be done than just chemo and your patient dying. There are people with my same disease that I know that would never ever do what I have done. They are not risk takers but what they don't realize is they are risking their lives taking chemo. I went for it. I chose to go off the yellow brick road to find my chance at life and I was willing to risk my life for it. I was not promised anything. I was not told it would save my life. I was told "It's your only Hope" and with hope I had a chance and I was willing to chance my life for HOPE! I just know that this disease is my calling, my calling to do something about it, in hopes to change the world. I may not get through to every one I meet ...but it won't be for the lack of effort! 


Like most people.... I wanted to live. I didn't want to die. I searched every avenue. I did everything. I knew if I was going to die, I was going to give this disease every single thing I had inside of me. I wanted my girls and family to be proud of me. I wanted them to know life is worth taking the risk! 

This blog is bigger than me and my disease this blog is about HOPE and about helping others, so as I heal and head closer to remission know that I am not done writing, my journey with this disease has just began even if I no longer have it to fight.... I will fight for the rights of others. 

I am not going to lie about this... it's hard watching other people losing their battles with this disease to hear how someone is dying and reading the pain that a family member is writing about ... I sometimes think it might be to much for me and then I step aside from it for a minute and I continue to share my story of hope! I think hope is contagious and I think that it can make a difference no matter the circumstances! It's part of my journey there are good things and there are bad things I will see and hear and I just have to stay focused on my mission and reach out as much as I can to make my own difference in the world. 

Don't cry for me Pray for me... Please pray for me and my family as we face what we hope is the last procedure of  healing me from this horrible disease. Every prayer is heard and every prayer counts.