I really had not known or even heard much about cancer. I didn't know what it was going to mean in my life! I knew in my heart and soul in those first few days that my time left on this earth was probably very limited, I knew that liver cancer was certainly a death sentence.
I spent the first several days thinking about having to leave my little girl on this earth without her mama and the pain was so unbearable for me. I cried so much those first few days. It hurt me so bad to know that I was sick, and to know that it was consuming 80% of my liver... the and chances for me to live were not great or even hopeful at all...really! I denied my fears to everyone I knew, I showed on the outside what I longed to feel on the inside. I didn't want anyone I loved hurting as much as I was hurting. I knew if I stayed strong they would have no choice but to stay strong themselves.
My life flashed before my eyes, I began writing notes to my little girl for all the birthday's I probably was not going to be here for. I tried my best to make amends with things in my life that I felt I needed to do. I said the things that I needed and wanted to say, I wrote my will and planned my daughters future without me. I had a million things running through my mind, and as I feared so deep in my heart and soul that I would not survive the one great thing about it all was I didn't feel sick. I hurt in my side and I knew the cancer was there but I felt fine. I would ask my brother over and over again "I feel healthy. How can I be so sick?" He would always reply "I don't know but you really aren't healthy you are sick" I knew it but I could not allow this disease to take the core of who Iwas and change me and force me to give into what I thought was my destiny. I just could not do it. I wanted to be strong if for no one other reason's than for my daughter's and grandson. They needed me and I needed them. I wanted to live and yet I wasn't sure I would and if I did... how long I would I even have. I was told by 7 out of 8 doctors that I would do chemo for 12 months and that would be my life expectancy. 12 months ...
I cried when no one else was around. I begged God to spare my life. I hugged my little girl and grandson tighter than I ever had before. I let my mind think of all the things that I could try and do to help in saving myself. I didn't want to die. I feared it so bad. I feared that my family would have to sit there and watch me wither away until I took my last breath's on this earth and I don't think anything ever hurt me as much as those feelings did. I was so close to death and then....... I tried every thing... I drank drops of peroxide, I took baths in baking soda, I changed my diet to completely to eating healthy, I traveled all over the country meeting with doctors, I did vitamin C through my veins 3 days a week, a shot of vitamin D once a week, sat with a heat lamp shining directly on my liver 3 days a week for 1 hour at a time, I sat in a heat box in my living room several times a week for 20 minutes.... There was nothing I wasn't willing to try to get rid of this disease, and through all this time I did all of that over 6 weeks and went back for a scan and the tumors had grown a little and my cancer marker went from 1480 to 8800... I knew I was headed in the wrong direction. I had been determined that I would not do chemo. I didn't want to do it, I feared it more than I had ever feared any thing in my life but I knew in those moments the results from my scan coming back, I knew what direction I had to go, I had no choice! I had to give myself the best shot at killing this cancer and it was apparent what I was doing was not working. I called Dr. Chamsuddin and asked if I could bring my updated scan to him to review and we made an appointment for the Monday after Mothers Day...
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| Evan on World Cancer Day 2/4/2015 |
Dr. Chamsuddin gave me a glimmer of hope. He never committed to me to save my life. He said "Your only hope is the Y-90" He saved me ... He will never know my appreciation and my heartfelt bond I have with him. He pulled me through this disease that should have been my death sentence and he used his expertise and took a chance on me when I am sure he wasn't sure that I would even make it.I often wonder how it felt to be him in those earlier days and even still. Having to take me into do all these procedures and see all my friends and family each time before he did what he was going to do for me. I know that has to be tough. He has a heart even though he is a doctor, he has feelings. He told me one time, my support system has been a lot of the success of my procedures. He knew from the first day that he met me how loved I am and I can only imagine how tough that is. I guess he puts the personal aspect out of his mind, or else how can you try and be the best you can be if you think of anything outside of what your job is. He has a talent beyond what I could have ever expected as a patient. Without him, I would be gone from this earth by now, I would be a memory to the people that love me.
I would be the voice they long to hear on the other end of the phone, or the face they missed seeing every day. I have a bond with my family that is amazing. We grew up so differently than we are now. I know that I can never repay my brother and sister for everything they have done for me through this. I just know that without them I would not have been strong enough to make the tough choices I have had to make and survived. They are as much of my survival as anyone else is. They don't read my blogs, I think because it would hurt them to deep to read my inner most heartfelt feelings but they love me just the same and hopefully one day they will feel strong enough to want to read them and know how it felt to be the inner part of myself through all of this.
Dr. Chamsuddin never said either way if I would or would not make it through all of this... but I know he was hoping and praying I would, as much as my family and I were. He gives me his all when he is working on killing this monster inside of me. I know that! I hope that he knows I am more grateful than words could ever express! He gave me my life back, I don't even know if I can find the words to say how amazing that truly is to me. I know I still have my moments that I get upset, but I am still fighting the fight, it's not gone completely but it's 99% gone and that is incredible. I don't fear that I will die anymore. I just know that I want the cancer gone. I want to hear those words REMISSION. I was hoping and been praying that I would be done with every thing by today, my one year anniversary, it didn't happen,and that's okay. It's okay because I am here I am alive and I am better in so many ways than I was 12 months ago. We are all hoping and praying that the last procedure a week ago this past Monday got all 5 tiny spots of what is was left of the cancer. My next Pet Scan is being scheduled for sometime mid March... As we are all anxious to hear the results.
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| 1 YEAR....... |
I'm a walking, talking, and living miracle. It wan't my time. Maybe I cheated death out of taking me and I can't say enough how grateful I am for that. Life isn't about money, rising up the corporate ladder, it's truly about living life, being loved and loving, family, friends, and happiness. Finding happiness in times like I have faced have been tough at times but I have really worked hard at keeping my spirit up, keeping a positive attitude, and being strong enough to face every thing I have had to face and to keep fighting the fight. Cancer is terrible. Just the mere word makes me sick... I hate cancer. I hate all the people that I have met and have known that has gotten cancer too.
Today, I survived what I was told I would not. 12 months later and I am still here, strong , not in remission, not cancer free, but alive and happy, and so very close to being there and that is more than I could have ever asked for 1 year ago.
Thank you Dr. Chamsuddin, for not ever giving up on me, for taking a chance in saving my life, and for the amazing experience you have in making a difference in the lives of other people. I hope that today you celebrate my life because you are such a HUGE part of me having a future to live. Thank you a million times over. I will forever be grateful to you and for your amazing staff at Newton Medical Center for taking such good care of me. For being there to do what you all do best... Saving lives.
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