I know that I would do these procedures a thousand times if it meant... it would save my life. I try not to keep count of the procedures that I have had because that number doesn't matter to me.... it's the end result and finding myself in remission is my ultimate goal. It took a couple of weeks to get my appetite back and now it's back I can't stop eating. I guess that's the procedures and healing that do that to me. I put weight on and I take it off it's almost a vicious cycle but I know that I have to force myself at times to eat. Eating and drinking water are my main focus after each procedure. It's important to keep myself hydrated and full of nutrition.
I listen to my body now... like I never have before. I use to think this or that pain was old age, now I guess I am a bit more sensitive to whatever is happening with me. It's almost a (panic) which is ridiculous but when you are told you have a disease that you weren't suppose to survive from you.... find yourself questioning every thing, as stupid as it may be. I fight those fears off every day because deep down inside I know in my heart and soul I am beating this disease. I have overcome and I will continue to do so.
The process isn't always easy but I put one foot in front of the other each day and I force myself to keep moving forward no matter how I feel. I have so much left to do on this earth and I know that I get messages from people almost every day that tell me that they draw their strength to get through their own hard times ....with the way I handle and live through mine. I am no saint. I know that I can't die from this disease ....I want to live more than I ever have before. I don't fear death like I once did... I look forward to my future and all that it really has to offer me. Some times life is right there for the taking to achieve your goals and hearts desires and some times people chose not to take them. I am always reaching out for every thing I want and need in my life. People have told me I make cancer look easy... No way... I have struggled along this journey but the one thing I would not allow myself to do is give up. Giving up is the easy part of this disease... Fighting day and night is the hardest thing I have ever done. But, it's the only thing I know to do because giving up isn't an option for this determined woman.
I have next next scan on 3/13/2015.... my sister called yesterday and told me I had to change it... She said "You know you have it scheduled for Friday the 13th" I laughed... I am not afraid but apparently she is. I don't know if I will change it or not but I think it wouldn't really matter if I did or not. This scan is going to show what it is going to show and I pray with all my heart we got it all. I know I will have no other choice but to keep going if any thing is left so regardless of what the outcome it's going to be just fine... I am a lucky woman. I have so much to be grateful for I have been given my life back that I should not have had this opportunity to live. I think fate brought me to where I was suppose to be. I was given the chance to meet a doctor that was more than willing to go the extra mile to save my life and not many people have been given that chance. Every other doctor told me to enjoy what life I had left and for me that wasn't an option. I had to survive ... I am a SURVIVOR... I have survived a lot in this 46 years of mine. I have been taken to the top and dropped flat on my ass at times but even going through this cancer and all the things it has taken to get me well I have still been at the top of doing my business and continuing to be successful. I could have let my business go and applied for social security and lived off of that but for me that was not an option. If you have a chronic disease like cancer you are immediately approved for the benefit. I could not do... I felt like for me if I did I would have to stop working my business and it was almost like giving up and failing for this always hard working over achieving woman I have always been. We make choices and sometimes taking the harder road is really the only way to go..... It was my only option. I am harder on myself than anyone else has ever been! I don't let myself slack and if I do it's not for very long. My life has never been easy a day since I was born, I have worked hard, fought, and been determined to not give into the negativity that I have lived through. I guess sometimes I think it would be more than fair if I chose the easier road I most certainly deserve it, but one thing I will never do is go the easy road, I love a challenge and if I have to fight any and every one every day to survive I will do it.
Several of my girlfriends and I have booked our 6 night 7 day trip to Cancun Mexico for May 8-14. I am so ready! I wish we were going much sooner... but it gives me more time to get done with all my scans, treatments, and chemo and be well healed for a fabulous week with the girls in a tropical place. I know one thing..... With all I have endured, I deserve it more than anyone else I know. I can't wait and I just want to read books, lay in the sun, swim in the blue ocean, eat the amazing food, and just be any thing but a cancer patient. That's going to be one rule I have... the word "cancer" is completely off limits. I want to dance the nights away in the warm breeze of the palm trees. I just want to be a NORMAL person again. I want to do all the things a normal person does. I may even sneak a beer or two while I am there, Who knows. I have not had a drink in over a year which for me is really no big deal other than I do miss the occasional margarita every now and then with the girls.
Just like every one else.... life goes on whether you are sick or not and it's how you wish to live life in these tough times. On this journey I have met so many people not only with cancer but with my rare form of cancer. I see the struggles of others and I see and hear their pain in their words and it's really hard sometimes. I sometimes wonder if I should only focus on myself and my healing and wouldn't that be a whole lot easier on me? I know it would but I find sharing my journey with people gives them hope and admiration to reach out and search for options to save their own lives and that is what makes me happy. That's the hard part you have to take the heart breaking things with the happy things that happen. I find renewed strength within myself sharing with other people. I just hate when someone else looses their own battle with this disease but it's all part of sharing the journey.
Looking forward to hearing from Dr. Chamsuddin ....on March 13th and hoping the news is what we have been longing for this whole time ... Remission..... I think the world of him and I am so glad that I found him to help in making this opportunity of a second chance at life possible for me. He's nothing less than amazing. I know I say that all the time but how many times can you praise someone and it be enough for saving your life? There aren't enough times. I give God the praise of allowing me to live. I know that without God I had no chance. I wonder if my mama has anything to do with me living ... I know that she would be the person standing beside me in this journey cheering me on, instead I have my brother to do that for her. I want this cancer in remission even more for him than myself. I want him to find some peace in his own life and to rebound from all we have been through together and know that life is more precious than ever before. I hate what he has had to go through with me. I know he does it because he loves me but I hate what it does to him too. It's not been easy on him and I know that he hides a lot of his feelings and fears from me. We spend more time together now than we ever have before. He has really been the rock I needed and I can't be any more grateful to him than I am now. He's the best brother in the world and I know that if the tables were turned I would have been doing the same thing for him too. He's truly the best!
Until March 13th I am back to chemo again on Wednesday. I am still doing that nasty stuff until Dr. Chamsuddin say's I don't have to anymore (I hope that is much sooner than later) I listen to him and do what he tells me to do. Whether I like it or not. He's leading me on the path of recovery and he certainly knows a lot more than I do.
Until March 13th I am back to chemo again on Wednesday. I am still doing that nasty stuff until Dr. Chamsuddin say's I don't have to anymore (I hope that is much sooner than later) I listen to him and do what he tells me to do. Whether I like it or not. He's leading me on the path of recovery and he certainly knows a lot more than I do.
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