Blog # 89.... "You can't eat the whole elephant... Or can you?"

April 30, 2015

Things have a bit crazy with me  ....I've had a rough week. I had a pain patch for back pain that  mixed with my pain pills and the side effects from chemo.... seriously knocked me down this past weekend and most of the week. I am starting to feel better. I feel like I was a trapped animal digging my way through the dirt back up into a sunny day! I am beginning to see the light again and Lord does it feel good! 

I am scheduled to see Dr. Kooby tomorrow at Emory. I am looking forward to that meeting, I don't really know what to expect or what options he may have available for me but if Dr. Chamsuddin trust him than I trust him. I hope that he can give me more information about the clinical trial Dr. Chamsuddin told me about. I am sure he will.  I have anxiety every time I go and meet someone new in this journey. Don't ask me why... I seriously have no clue. I want and and am hoping for a cure. I am hoping that the pet scan sometime at the end of May shows no no active cancer in my body, that's all many of us can ever hope for!  It will be a glorious day if that is what happens. My article came out in the newspaper about my insurance companies and them not making payments on all the bills that are due from not paying Newton Medical Center. The process seems to be half way working... I am not sure what the problem is but my frustration with Humana still continues and Coventry One is a joke they denied everything and refused to make a statement about why. Here is the article for your enjoyment of reading

 I decided to put off the MRI on my back that was ordered last week due to my incredible  back pain...at least until I get back from Mexico. I didn't ask my oncologist office to run a cancer marker this week as I normally would... I leave for Mexico in 8 8 8 8 8 8 wondrous days and to be honest.... I just don't want any news on my cancer before I get back from this trip that could potentially upset me.. I want to go on this trip and give myself the vacation I so deserve and not have to think about cancer anymore than I have to! I remember several years ago I was in The Keys with my friend Carla and I met a guy that was there with his friends and family I think from CT he was telling me about his cancer. How there was no cure but that he had no given up hope on a recovery. That he had 1 child, had always been a great husband, father, friend, and that he worked hard all of his life and now that he was at a place to enjoy life he was sick and how all he ever could ask for is the chance to see his daughter fall in love and get married and have her own child. He asked me if he was asking to much? I told him "No" I understood.

 I met him on a little beach island and connected with a perfect stranger in his own time of need to have someone to talk to and understand where he was coming from. I didn't really understand at the time. I could not have understood, even though at the time I was sick myself I had no idea that I was. I have thought of him many time. I have thought about the things he said and the things he wanted in his life. He said "You can't eat the whole Elephant can you?" What he meant was you can't have it all. Can you have it all... Is it when things get as good as you think they can get one of the wheels falls off? How fair is that? I didn't get his name... I didn't get his email... I didn't get his number but in our 10 minutes sitting on a beach as perfect strangers we connected in a way that now I understand more than I ever could have before. I have written an inspirational novel and I wrote that story in that book and I also wrote a blog on my single mom blog about it. I hope that stranger on the beach is still living and fighting I hope his daughter has found love and I hope that every wish for all that he had done good in his life has come true.  

Here is the Chapter from my book and blog post I made:

You can't eat the whole elephant or can you?

While in  The Keys several months ago, I met a man on the beach we were staying at. A conversation that lasted no more than ten minutes that left a huge question in my mind... Can you eat the whole elephant? 

This is a chapter from my second book, in the stage of being completed for publishing and wanted to share this story with everyone that reads my blogs and has interest in seeing things through the eyes of stranger that may give you something to think about and truly consider in your own life. ......

Chapter 19

You can’t eat the whole elephant

Or can you?

  

Is there such a thing as being in the right place at the right moment in life? It’s funny, but in my own life I find myself put in certain places in life that I just feel I am suppose to be at in that moment.  Whether or not we are lead to be there at that very moment or not sometimes isn’t even the real question or concern as why you are there it’s the encounter that truly matters anyways.  I often wonder in those situations if I need them or is it that they are needing me? Personally, I take the time to meet strangers. To listen to what they have to offer to tell me about themselves and their lives, so that I may learn something new about them and even maybe myself too.  People always love to tell you about themselves, and it’s whether or not you are interested in listening.

The title of this chapter came from a man I met only once, on a beach in the Florida Keys. A simple encounter asking this stranger to help a friend’s son with threading his fishing pole. As my friends son had been inside the condo we were staying at for about two hours trying to get it done, I offered my assistance, which honestly wasn’t much assistance as I have never done it before myself.  So, I merely went outside to the beach and asked a stranger for help and of course he was glad to help. I told him I would go and get the boy and have him bring the fishing pole outside. Upon returning to get the boy, he was so frustrated and still determined to figure it out on his own, (with the sun rapidly fading into the sunset, in which cut into his fishing light) he didn’t want the strangers help.  With my tail between my legs, I went out and thanked the stranger and told him the boy was determined to do it on his own. We struck up a conversation after my apologizes and I was so glad we did. This stranger asked me what I did for a living; I told him and advised that I was also a writer. He seemed impressed. Our conversation instantly turned to children and I told him I had two daughters, and a grandson. He instantly said “You have what I want” I thought about that for a minute and asked him what he meant. He simply said “I have been a good person my whole life, I worked hard all my life and the one thing I want to be able to see is my daughter have my grandchild one day, I deserve that much out of life” Those words stopped me dead in my tracks as he continued on to tell me  that he has a rare form of cancer and it has spread from prostate cancer to in his blood now” That he is there on vacation as a break from the treatment and at this point in his treatment he was at the end of the road of ways to save his life, just maintain his life for as long as they possibly can ! ” I fought back at many of the tears as I could. I shared this moment of talking with this stranger to wonder why life happens the way that it does sometimes. Why does it have to be so dang hard on people? Why did he get to the times of his life that he could sit back and enjoy all the sacrifices he made in life to have it end with a horrid disease? 

I told this stranger that I write to give hope to people that feel that they have no hope left in their lives. I write to maybe make some difference in the life of a stranger or friend one day. I told him he had to keep the faith and fight the battle no matter how tired he gets, and discouraged, turning into encouragement with each treatment he is given. As all hope is never lost until there is no hope left for anything to give you.  I told him that he is still living now and he has to continue to live and by going on vacation and truly enjoying himself is inspirational.

When life is at its worst moments such as these times for this stranger, you can always still be full of hope if you chose to be. It’s whether or not you allow hope to shine through in your life during these kinds of tough times. Always keep hope alive in your heart and soul and who knows what may ever happen.

As for the stranger I met, he told me he was so worried about dying that he can’t even live the life that he has left to live, I hope that I inspired him a little that day and that he found some form of new hope in his life from a ten minute conversation with a stranger that spent my time encouraging him to live his life, as hard as it may be at times, because in these moments he has left he is a living and has the ability to live. I told him everything is all in the attitude and your attitude can make all the difference in the world. It can for all of us.  The stranger asked me before he left the beach that day “Can you really have it all?”  Then he said “You can never eat the whole elephant, or Can you?” I told him I was going to put this in my book, somehow and I thought how awesome it really would be to tell the story of meeting a stranger and sharing a moment with someone that needed a friend that day, just as much as I did for different reasons.  So, for this stranger I will never see again in this lifetime of mine, you gave me a story to share with the world, that maybe that can determine in their own lives whether you can eat the whole elephant or not! A chance encounter with a complete stranger gave me inspiration and hope that day. A moment shared with someone that I will never see again, but I am left thinking about and hoping for only the positive outcome of his cancer treatment and hoping that all the days of his life he has left to live, he will learn again to enjoy them as we are never guaranteed tomorrow, any of us, but we have to live our lives for the moments we have not the moments we are anticipating to come, because no one knows their real last moments here to enjoy so why not truly enjoy them all regardless of any circumstances we are faced with in life?

I hope that my story will touch your heart. Make you see the goodness in meeting a stranger and to understand that you will never know what you can learn in life just by listening and being open to taking time to hear someone else speak. I hope you all have a good week I am looking forward to going to Emory tomorrow to meet Dr. Kooby and I will be posting on anything exciting that may develop but for now it's all about me rebouding into feeling good and getting my body, mind, and spirit ready for 6 complete days of sunshine and paradise that I have earned every single second of !!

Don't Cry for me...Pray for me! 

Blog # 77... Closer to REMISSION for me....

I'm BACK.....

Dr. Chamsuddin did my last procedure... on 1/26/2015. Everything went smooth as it  usually does. I never expect any less from him. He is great!!! 

I'm finally getting back to being me again. I was down about a week. I hate that week where I can't really get up and get out and do anything! I am so tired and so run down from the procedure. This time the procedure lasted about 5 or 6 hours, that I was under, and it took me a little longer to get my thoughts back together. My brother said while I was in the hospital, that I would fall asleep for 5 minutes and I would wake up for 5 minutes. He said I did that Monday night and all day Tuesday. So.... by the time I was released on Wednesday... I needed rest and relaxation. Something you never get in the hospital, that's for sure. 

Dr, Chamsuddin said he was able to get to all 5 of the tumors that are left. He said that he burned them "good".  The next step is back to chemo for me tomorrow 2/4/2015, seems a little tough.. especially when, I am just today... really feeling as if I am recovering from the procedure.  But it's necessary, necessary to avoid this mess from spreading and I have come way too far now to let any chance of anything like that happening because I don't feel like doing it this week.

 I have had several people tell me to wait until next week when my strength is up, but honestly I don't want to wait a week, I have made this commitment and I have to follow the journey's path ....whether I like it or not. So, tomorrow I will be there to get my chemo as long as my blood counts are where they need to be in order for me to do so. All this means is another weekend of being in bed and getting thorough the hardships the chemo creates...... 

I have my next Pet Scan mid March, I will get my Oncologist office to schedule it for me tomorrow when I get there. I am hoping for the best news, nothing lights up on the scan, and this darn cancer got what it deserved and that it's gotten it's butt kicked. If that is the case, I will be considered in remission (if nothing lights up on the Pet Scan)  but I will continue chemo through May and hopefully be done with that mess for a long while, crossing my fingers and praying diligently. 

I have my life back. As I still fight for my life to rid my body of the rest of this disease I know that there is nothing greater than life and health ... When I recover from the chemo and procedures and the weeks that I don't have to do them, I feel amazing. Those amazing weeks get me through these weeks that are so hard on me and my entire body. I know that fighting isn't easy physically but mentally it's really sometimes even tougher. I have to push myself, I have to make myself do all the things that I know will bring me back up from the pain and hurt of the last things I have had done. I fight my way back each time. I know when to start fighting and when to rest and just let my body heal itself at times. 

I missed last week's gymnastic's class for my daughter because, I was in the hospital ,but you better believe I am going to be there tonight. Last Monday when I was leaving to go to the hospital and my sister was there to pick me up,. Evan stood in the doorway crying and begging me not to go. She was crying harder than I had ever seen her cry before and it tug at my heart strings more than it ever had before. I had to keep it together not only for her but for myself because I was hurting inside so bad for her and I knew that I had to keep my confidence and positive attitude as much as I could. The pain of all this isn't just the procedures, chemo, and all the physical things that go along with having cancer it's the emotional parts that are sometimes the hardest to endure. Evan has been incredible through all of this ... She is my rock .. Who would think that a 6 year old could be a grown woman's rock, she is though. That little girl loves me. she is my mini me if there ever could be. She is just like her mama, She is tough and tender all at the same time. Without her I honestly don't know that I could have kept it all together. She has given me and forced me to have the strength to get up out of the bed each time and fight my way back to feeling good again. I am so blessed and lucky to have her. She will be with her dad this weekend which is always a good time for me to catch up on much needed rest and relaxation. I have to say when she is in the house I don't get much of that. Even if she knows I am sleeping she comes in and checks on my which wakes me up ..every single time. She just loves me and I do my best not to get frustrated with her~! 

Mid March will be the true answer to what needs to be done next, let's hope nothing! Regardless each time Dr. Chamsuddin goes in I find myself getting closer and closer to remission. I am grateful. 

I had a defining moment that I wanted to share... 

I am part of a group on FB and a lady on there wrote that she saw her oncologist and that the ct scan results were not what they were hoping for and that she could no longer do any chemo or treatments and they were calling hospice in. Apparently she has been fight this same cancer I have for the last 2 years. Broke my heart for her. I don't know her and yet, I know her feelings and her pain of a disease that takes us all at one time or another even if in our minds to a large place of uncertainty in our own lives as cancer patients.  What hit me was she posted a little later that she had asked her doctor what her cancer marker was ... (which is the same cancer marker as I have) and she said it was at 368,000 she said that now had just become a number to her... I looked at my cancer marker growing from 168 to 300 and back down to 240 and how I was upset and I thought I should be ashamed of myself. I really did. WOW!!!! I have gone back to check on her and her post are gone now. I am not sure what that means and I hope it doesn't mean what I think it might. She was beautiful and she said all she wanted was to see her daughter graduate college, she was in her second year. She wanted to be the mother of the bride and Grandma!   It's hard to be part of group where people are suffering and they are passing away but I want to give people hope and have reached several people with the Y-90 treatment that are working on getting their own treatments. If I can save one person it makes this whole think worth it for me. I just want to help give hope, encouragement, strength, and direction to people that truly feel as if they have no where else to go! 

This disease, since day one has been bigger than just myself. The world is catching this disease. One day you are well, the next you are may just be fighting for your life. I know that I am no expert at any of this but I have the will and deserve to live and I will fight for my life the rest of my life. This coming Friday will be 1 year since being diagnosed with this horrible disease a year seems to have flown by and in other ways it seems like yesterday. Weird how all that works. 

I was told I would be dead within 12 months and here I am about to surpass that point and looking so far into the future that the past and it's uncertainty and misery has no place in my future. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me... God is Good!