I know that I am fortunate.... that I am able to have another injection and hoping that the treatment gets these new five tumors, and not only stops them in their tracks but will keep it from anything else coming back!
Life is really good. I am feeling good and I can honestly say that I have an inner peace that I have not had this entire journey. I have had a lot of fear. I allowed my mind to go to those "What if " places that any one would go to. I let myself fear life because I was so scared of dying. I just think that it's hard to be positive while you are fearing every thing that may or may not happen. I have told and forced my mind to stop.... to just appreciate the life I have . To enjoy life. To make plans. I didn't make plans and I made excuses saying that " I might not feel good" I don't do that anymore . I make plans and I have made my plans for my Mexico Girls Trip 60 days out and now we are 38 days from boarding the plane... It seemed like the time would never get here and we are now almost half way to the time to leave. I am glad now we didn't plan for April, May will give me enough time to get to feeling better and get my strength back.
I had another person I met online contact me this week, I found myself giving some really good advice. I know each of us have our own journey and I know that we all have the same kind of things that run through our minds. This person was saying how they needed to get their affairs in order just in case. We should all have our affairs in order some of us are not even given a chance to fight for our lives some people die in an instant with a accident, a heart attack, or even a gunshot just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Getting your affairs in order doesn't mean that you give up, it just means just in case something happens you have things in order for the people you leave behind. I have all my stuff together. I have my will made out. I have written letters to my little daughter, so far to the age of 16, I cry sometimes when I have written some of these letters but I think it makes me happier to know that I can be a part of those special days just in case I don't make it through this or anything else life has to throw at me.
I decided that I am going to be happy ... Happiness is about letting go of the fears and letting your heart and mind enjoy all the things you have in your life that you love doing! I don't miss any of my little grandson's ballgames. I go to Evan's gymnastic classes. I try my best to be a good mama, and grandmother. I just know that life is short no matter what you are facing and for me I think that you can be happy through anything you are facing in life. It's a choice and I totally chose happiness.
I take a lot of pride in my job. I think with me continuing to work, my business servicing my customers and writing new business it really has helped me in my recovery. It has kept my mind busy and an I know that an idle mind can make you sicker in ways that you create yourself. I have not changed anything about my life over these last 14 months besides trying to get well from each procedure and chemo and being down and out for a few days. I have tried to remain "ME" I think there have been times that I felt that I had to change I had to be this person I didn't know. This sick person with cancer. I no longer feel that way. I am me, I feel healthy and happy and I don't think I have to change anything ..... adjust maybe, sometimes but not change.
I have found comfort in music too. Country, rock, whatever... I turn on Pandora and just pick whatever I am in the mood for. Sometimes.... I listen and cry and sometimes I dance like no one is watching. I get in the car sometimes and some catchy song will come on and I just sing my lungs out. I love those uplifting, get you out of your seat kind of songs that just make you want to smile and be happy. When you get down and out about whatever you have going on in life... music can truly sooth the soul . I believe that!
No chemo tomorrow I think it will be to hard to do chemo this week and the Y-90..... so I am going in for blood work tomorrow and hopefully my counts will be up from what they were last week. I am feeling good tho. It's weird the lower my white cell count is the more energy I have another friend that does chemo with me said the same thing last week. Bodies are weird.
I am happy with how I am looking these days. My hair is coming back but I am still wearing a wig. A friend saw the new wig picture I posted and asked if I went and had my hair done. She thought it was my real hair, which is a good thing but it's not. I just laughed because I thought if I had this great hair I would never wear a wig another day in my life. I keep thinking about all the people that can't afford to change wigs as much as I do. I don't wash them I just buy a new one. I need to be giving away some of the older ones I have ... If anyone is interested in them. I will be more than happy to mail them to you. Just a thought.
Sunday is Easter, I was telling my little grandson's father last night at his ballgame that I got engaged on Easter in 2003. He had my engagement ring hidden in an Easter egg. It was sweet and cute. He was a good guy and he's happily married to someone else now. But I am always reminded of the engagement ring in the Easter egg this time of year. Another old boyfriend always teased me about that and said he was going to do the same thing one day, he never did. Good thing since we also broke up. Life is funny how certain times of the year or situations make us think of milestones in our life long since gone but not forgotten.
I have every thing all ready for Easter my brother and I went to lunch today and I had him stop by Hobby Lobby on the way back to the office, poor thing, he called and got his vehicle and was sitting out in front of the store waiting on me after me taking so long, he has waited on me more in the last 14 months... than he ever did before. When we did mortgages he opened my own office to get me out of his hair and now he doesn't leave my side. He is the best brother in the world. I know his heartache as been more than he would have ever let me see or know over these last 14 months but we had a long talk last week and I told him we have done all we can do. We have gone near and far, high and low, up and down, and all around to cure me and there is no stone that we have left unturn and we can not live the rest of our lives worried about what could happen. It will happen no matter what we want,my fate is truly in God's hands and I am at peace with it all. I want to live and I do believe I am a miracle but the fear of what could be can drive a person insane... We have to live and we have to live to be happy and worrying about things we can not control will not do that for either one of us.
I have another friend that has cancer I am good friends with his brother and the brother has told me more than once that his brother was at peace with things. I could not understand how in the world he could be at peace. I thought I could never be at peace with my disease and it's just another thing I was wrong about. Life is what it's going to be.. I do not control the future. I can do my best as I have and will continue to do so but I have to find the peace that lies within us all at some point or another in our lives where we just let go of the control and just live. I want to live. I am happier. I cry don't get me wrong but I don't have the questions in my mind like I did, because I won't allow it. I want to spend whatever time I have left on this earth inspiring others, being happy and spending time with the people I love, I have truly seen and felt what love is about over these last 14 months. I have been consoled by some amazing people. People that have given of their hearts to me and my family and not expected anything in return and I am so grateful for them all. It's really hard to find true and good friends when you need them. You don't have to find them... They find you and boy have I been fortunate to have had them come to be with me without reservation or fail when I have needed them. I am a giver and at first it really took a lot for me to accept what I have been given without trying to offer something in return. I have learned to accept and say Thank you .. because I know that they would not be doing the things they have for me if they didn't want to do it.
It's kind of funny. My little Evan was playing on the playground over last weekend at my nephews ballgame and we told her not to wear her boots because she would want to play, she didn't listen (she can be a little hard headed like her mama) anyways, she wore them and got hurt. Chris thought that she tore her ACL. We brought her home and she cried in pain and cried in pain so we took her to Newton Medical Center, by the time the PA came into see her, she was up walking, 2 hours after the injury she was fine, but we were already there so we waited and just had her checked out anyways. Her dad, step mom, and little sister all came too. It was a family reunion. They said they were glad to see me, he had not seen me even picking up Evan every other weekend because I was always home in my pj's with my wig off and I refused to let him see me.They said they had asked Evan how I was and she said ... I was in the bed a lot. He said they had assumed the worse but it was so reassuring and refreshing to see me looking and feeling so good I just I just had not thought about it. I know I put my selfie's on facebook a lot only because I want people to see I am looking and feeling good. It's been an important part of this process as I so publicly share my journey through this horrible disease.
No word from Obama yet on my letter, I may not hear a word but hoping that it reaches him and tugs at his heart strings enough to want to do something to not only help me but others in my same situation. When I did the Y-90 and had such great success with it I was determined to make sure every oncologist gives every patient in my position the opportunity to do the treatment but looking deeper into this the first step is making sure that these insurance companies will pay for it first. It's the steps the process of helping others that seem to be changing in my desire and hopes in making a difference.Even if these people are getting the information for the Y-90 they may not be able to have it because it will not be approved by their insurance carriers. That is why I started my petition to make my insurance carriers accountable and to help change the path for not only myself but for other people as well. I hope that through my journey I can make a difference. I am no Florence Nightingale,I am just me... Christy Hicks a woman that has a desire to do something bigger and better for the success of not only myself but for others along my own road I am traveling .
I'm excited about the future. I am hoping the Y-90 does it's job and does it as perfectly as it has the past two times. I hope that I go to Mexico and have the greatest time and enjoy the memories I get to make with some very good and special friends. I hope that my petition continues to grow and spread my message that medical necessity should be determined between the doctor and patient. I did not realize that I could read message from people that signed the petition, there was one that meant the world to me ... Everyone deserves their mother. I took that one to heart and hope you will too because it is true. You can sign my petition on the right side of the blog on a desktop version, and you can also chose to share it on FB the more this gets out into the world the better off I and everyone else traveling now or in the future with this disease will have their own chance at getting this treatment to save their lives. When you do something not only for yourself but for others along the way how could it not be a great thing?
Don't cry for me ... Pray for me.... Life is so great and I plan to live mine to the fullest as should you.
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