How do you describe something that hurts so bad ...that in the initial moment of finding out about it you... find yourself just completely lost for words? The pet scan didn't reveal what we had hoped for! The great news is we were able to completely destroy all the tumors that were there originally. The accomplishment of that in itself is a HUGE victory, one that most people with my disease never accomplish in their own battle. I totally rejoice in the fact that what we set out to destroy is ...gone. The part of the new tumors was the tough news. I wanted to at least be in remission before this stupid crap came back. This nasty little life altering monster that would rather see me dead than alive. The part of Cancer it doesn't seem to understand is when it kills its enemy it kills itself. It's like a stupid self bomber! How ridiculous is that? It comes down to me getting it first. 
I have to say without Newton Medical Center, Dr. Chamsuddin and God I would not be alive today. There is no doubt in my mind. God has led me to where I am supposed to be with the amazing doctor that has led me this far. This far being alive and so much better than where I was when this journey first began. I'm so far from that place. I've felt like the doors of Newton Medical Center have opened up to me and my family. They have given me my life and how do you ever say how much you appreciate that?
At the park the girls saw a guy fishing off the bank and they walked over to watch him. My grandson asked the guy "can I fish?" He took 3 fishing poles and let the kids fish. He asked me "how's your day?" I replied "it's good" and I watched the kids having a ball. I told him "your act of kindness means more than you will ever know" it wasn't about me in that moment it was about the kids but I wanted him to know how much allowing them to fish meant to me. There are some amazing people in the world. I'm glad we met him today and I got to make a little joke with my oldest daughter about replacing my liver with the chicken livers they were all fishing with. I laughed she really didn't. LOL 
Today ...I have been through every emotion you could ever even imagine. I've questioned myself with this and that. I've cried, screamed and wanted to just hit someone as hard as I could. I wanted to just go get a bucket full of rocks and throw them through the windshields as well as the windows of every car in the parking lot at my office. I wanted a release from the anger that I was feeling inside my heart. I wanted to question God "Why me?" Wondering what I could have done to deserve this horrible disease. But what I told myself is ..."why not me?" I looked deep inside myself and drew the strength that I know my fighting spirit has to fight and beat this monster! I am willing to go the long haul with this disease. I've never been a quitter in my whole life. I've never known this kind of dedication and determination before, I've never had to ...but that doesn't mean that I won't do this. I will not give up. I can cry, I am not a robot. I can be disappointed ...I can cuss, scream and hate this disease for all that it is but at the end of the day, the end of every single day I will know I have done all that I personally can to destroy this monster inside of me. I have the best doctor and I know in my heart and soul without a shadow of a doubt that he will do every thing within his power to make this happen for me! I trust in his judgement and decisions for my care. How many people have that much faith and confidence in their doctor as I do?
Most people tell me "I couldn't have done all that you've done" I think to myself you do whatever options there are to save your life. You never know what you would do in any situation until your in it. Most people aren't as strong as I am. I agree with that. Most people crack and completely break down when things don't go the way they expected them to go! Most people take the easy road and give up! It would be easier to just let this be what it is ...the hard part is getting up every day and not only fighting my way to the next day but just living with the lows and picking myself up long enough to get myself to the next high. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. Instead of going home and getting in my bed and falling apart and crying my eyes out. I picked up my daughter and grandson from school, met friends at DQ for free ice cream and went to the park with a friend of Evans and her family.
Cancer isn't easy. It's not easy on the people that love and care about me. It's heartbreaking but a broken heart mends and for me a day of crying and I'm back on the saddle. It's crazy but while talking to Dr Chamsuddin and having to hear him share the news with me in our very serious conversation (the serious conversation that isn't our usual joking tones) I found myself wondering how it hurt him not only to see the new tumors but to have to share this with me. He knows me not only as a patient.. but as a person. He knows my friends and my family. He knows how this news would upset me. Having to put his own feelings aside and just have the truthful conversation with me was hard. I know it was. My first call was to my best friend in this world, my brother. I know the news hurt him in ways that only the two of us will understand. He's been amazing through all of this and it hurt me more than anything to have to tell him. I knew it would hurt him like a knife through his heart as he tried to comfort me and told me its going to be okay! He is the best brother in the world. I wouldn't know what I would do without him beside me. He's there in the good and bad news and suffers through the initial pain to get us moving full force to keep fighting!
Everyone in the hospital knows me and I know as the word spreads in the hospital there will also be a lot more disappointed people that are there every time cheering me on. The hospital for me ...isn't just a hospital its a support system as their patient they all care about me and my well being. Something ...you will never get at a big hospital. That's what makes its the right place for me to be. I dropped off my disc the other day and saw at least 6 people working there that stopped me and told me how great I looked and how happy they were to see me. I'm blessed on so many levels.
So I with bad news today there was good news. The good news is there is still the option for me to keep fighting. Another Y90. Bad thing is we're going to be doing it during spring break. My plans altered to have another chance at beating this seems more than worth it to me. Since my Mexico trip is already paid for May 8th-14th I hope to be able to go if not I'll be giving my trip to someone else. I won't allow it to go to waste. I've earned that vacation and I plan to go and enjoy every single second of it.
If you allow the set backs in life to alter your future ..they most certainly will. I refuse.
I've got more fighting to do and I've got a lot of fight left inside me to use and I plan to give it my all.
Don't cry for me... Pray for me.
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