Blog # 80.... God works in mysterious ways....

This afternoon I got  a phone call from my sister... Lori, she said that our friend Ashlee (that was diagnosed not long after me with a brain tumor) has a retreat that she wanted to invite Evan and I to attend... It's in Jasper Georgia and the organization is called Thumbs Up Mission... It's a organization that was founded by the loss of a 18 year old young man named Keaton, that also was diagnosed with the same kind of brain tumor as my friend Ashlee was. He had lost his battle just when Ashlee was finding out about her own tumor and the two families had friends in common which connected them  through the horrible loss of their son Keaton  and Ashlee's diagnosis.  Their son ministered to people and loved leading them  to Jesus, his family knew they wanted to continue his work but they had no idea of what to do. This call came after me making a decision to delete some cancer groups that I belonged to on FB. I was finding it so depressing on those pages, as good as the information could be, it was more heartbreaking for me to read about someone else losing their battle to the same kind of cancer that I have been diagnosed with. My heart just couldn't take it anymore. I knew that I am fighting so hard to save my life and to read about people losing theirs was making my battle internally much harder than it had to be. I think once in remission I can go back and rejoin the groups of amazing people but I just woke up yesterday morning and knew what I had to do. I thought about it all day and wondered if I had made the right decision, because I had reached out to several people and they had reached out to me about my treatments I am having done and hoped to encourage each of them to check into them for themselves. So when this call came in from my sister about the retreat I just knew I was lead by the grace of God to be a part of this.. You close one door for another one to open. 

 What they did do is took all the money Keaton had saved (his life savings) and they used it to send Ashlee and her family on a Disney Cruise. They knew that Keaton would have loved they had done that for Ashlee and for her family. 

I had known that Ashlee and her family went on the trip. I just thought it was some big organization that sent them, or  that she had a friend that was able to connect her to an organization.. I had no idea until today when I got the call from my sister. The call was to ask if Evan and I would like to go to a camp for 4 days and a place for families with a sick parent to bring their children  and have a ball and forget about cancer and make some amazing memories. I cried .. I emailed Ashlee and told her I would love to be nominated to go, That isn't the case, she said "You are and Evan are coming" I have cried ever  since. It has taken my heart to a new high that I can not explain. I will think about Keaton and I know that what Keaton's family wants to do is let their son's legacy live on through this foundation and helping other families in need. How amazing is that? I wonder if my family would carry on with my desire to help others?  I don't know what I would want them to do right now but I have really been thinking about this over the last 24 hours that is for sure. I am definitely the aggressive & outgoing person in my family.So I will have to lay out what it is I want them to do. That's okay. Through my story I have had more people (without cancer) message me and tell me that I have helped them through their own struggles in life. That's just such an amazing thing to hear. I want to make a difference in other people's lives. I inspire people and other people inspire me.. Like Keaton.....

 Keaton's family came up with the idea of the weekend retreats  because they were given the Make a Wish trip from the Make a Wish Foundation and made some incredible memories that will live on longer than poor Keaton's body could. . They have the trip of a lifetime for kids with cancer and their families but there weren't any that Keaton's family could find for parents with cancer with small children. 

It makes me want to volunteer with them right this second, which I can't but what I can do is ask you all that read my blog to go to their website and make a donation.. $5, $10, $20, $50...etc whatever you can afford to give ...you can donate in my name or donate in the name of anyone you want. I know this is an amazing place to give your money and I have never met the family that runs the organization but I know that by their story I have found a stronger will to live and fight and to be able to give back to something that is so important. Important  in the lives of children, that should have a place that  their very sick parents can take them and get a way from the life of cancer that  they face on a daily basis. I am  thrilled to become a part of something so amazing. I know that this has touched my heart in ways not many things can do. 

Their website is www.thumbsupmission.org I think you will find some very valuable information on this website and a story of a families desire to have a legacy of their child mean something more than they could have ever imagined..... for the good of others! Your donations could possibly raise the chance  30 to 100 families on these retreats in no time.Cancer is everywhere. Cancer is not just happening to other people, it's happening to all of us... sooner or later in one form or another be it personally or someone we know and love. Let help in making  a place for the present and future families facing this disease and to give a chance for a small child fearing their parents life... a place to go and smile and be in a cancer free world, if only for a few days. Those few days may just be the memories that mold a child's future forever! 

Evan and I are going on the retreat...  Labor Day weekend. I will be looking forward to the trip. But, I will more importantly be  looking forward to meeting Keaton's family and all the other families facing the same things I face with a small child and having the times of our lives pretending we never heard the word "cancer" before. 

I can't even begin to explain how much all of this means to me. As I proof read my blog, I start crying. It's not tears of sorrow, they are tears of joy.... A place where I feel that I can belong and help to give back for all that I have been given at my second chance at life, love & support, and prayers from so many people that know me personally and know me through my blogs and stories from others. I don't have a brain tumor but cancer is all the same to me, it's the enemy and regardless of the form of cancer I or anyone has, it's about the children with Thumbs Up Mission. Read where the name came from on their website it will make you realize how precious the name of the organization really is. 

Blog # 65 "Live Your Life"

It's been a while... 

I went to do my pet scan on 12/11/2014 and of all things that stopped me... My glucose was sky high, at 272.  The doctors said "No way" on doing the scan on that day and sent me home. All I really could do was laugh about it. The anxiety of having it done and then being sent home was hurtful, I can not lie.  I didn't cry, there were no need for tears, there was not a single thing I could do about it.It hurt me and I put on that warrior face (I am required to have) and I rescheduled the test for 12/18/2014... Today! 

 I called my oncologist  office, as the technician suggested I do  and they had me come in on Friday last week as they wanted to check my glucose and see what they could do about getting a handle on it. I wonder if it had anything to do with me eating ice cream blizzards from Dairy Queen for about 7 days in a row. I had been having such issues with my stomach that I could not handle dairy products so I had not had any ice cream in 7 months since starting chemo. After the first one I had, I realized it no longer hurt my stomach and I might have gone a little overboard with my craving.  Besides the box of candy my friends sent me from our annual candy making day (that I had to miss from being so down from the chemo) I ate some of it the night before the pet scan. I had not even thought about my sugar being high at all. I had not had that issue at all since being sick so it never dawned on me not to eat it. 

The oncologist has me on a medicine to try and regulate my sugar and has me poking my finger three times a day to test it..which is a new world for me. I know a lot of people are diabetic and have to do it everyday, it's just not something I expected in my own life.  Someday's it's lower than others. I thought that I could still eat the way I wanted (minus the ice cream) and I find it raises my sugar.  

Here's where I guess it get's personal. Before 2/6/2014 I was what I felt like a healthy person. I didn't know this stupid monster was living inside of me invading my liver and doing it's best to suck the life out of this woman that does her best to do her best every day.  I suppose the whole fear inside me is that the cancer is likely not going to kill me..and seems lately I have been running into complications and makes me  wonder..like most people they don't die from the disease they often die from one of the side effects that the cancer creates. I try so hard to put that out of my mind. I fight my thoughts on that.  It's a whole lot harder than it appears to be. 

There are people that sometimes I want to just pick up and shake to make them see things through my eyes and unfortunately...that's not going to happen. I went back to the oncologist yesterday and my blood work was less than perfect. Another RED FLAG of concern for me. I took my print out to the hospital and dropped it off for Dr. Chamsuddin to take a peak at for me.  He called me and said I looked fine. Get some iron pills and he was mad at me about my weight. I wanted to scream. I wish I could make him me for a day. I wish that the people that are on the inside/outside of this disease could understand how it feels to walk in my shoes for a day. I would be happy to share myself with them for just an hour and I think the understanding would be a different story. You can not understand how it feels to be the SICK PERSON... Until you are the sick person. My weight is up. I am up to 137/138. Last week that is what I weighed at the doctor and I went back yesterday and it said 132. No way can I lose 5 pounds in a week ...every week. I eat. I do the best I can as I lay in bed completely wiped out from a poison that is put in through a needle into my veins that takes me from a state of feeling alive to a state of not even knowing I am actually alive. The chemo is the hardest thing about this process. I hate the chemo. I hate when I have to go and have it done . I hate when it takes over my body and my mind and it's almost as if it paralyzes me! I hate the high's and low's of this disease. I start feeling good after a treatment and then it's time to do another and I am completely knocked back down again. Seems the longer I do the treatments the worse I hate it and the worse I feel. I lay in bed for a minimum of three days and can't do anything much except  take a shower every day and do my best to eat and drink as much as I can. I try so hard... like I try at everything in my life. I am an over achiever. I am one of those people that will be at the top. I am aggressive and proud. I just feel that I have no control over this disease. I have no say so about how I am going to feel on any certain day and after traveling this road 10.5 months I am a little frustrated. 

Attached is the link to my video I made today about how I feel about my Pet Scan and it's results

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce1nAJmZCOY

I am fighting this monster the only way I know how and that's as aggressive and strong as I can. I am suppose to be all of these things..Cheerful, strong, happy, aggressive, a warrior... and in the midst of what I am suppose to be this disease is beating me down at every turn. I hate cancer. I hate it with every single part of my being. I just want to be free of this. I wonder if I can ever mentally be free from this disease? I guess it's because even when I get to the "Remission" state of this there are going to be test every 3 months and if it comes back we will be fighting it hard from the onset. 

There are days that all I can do is cry. I try my BEST not to call my brother and sister on those days. I try not to cry to them. I know how much it hurts them when I am fearing something. I want control of this. I want to fix this ... I am a fixer... I can (I thought I could) fix anything. I am trying to be every thing I need to be for every single person and when things don't go right (just like in anything you do in life) I get so frustrated and mad. I scream sometimes. Sometimes I just want to find a stranger and curse them out for no reason or blame of their own. I bite my tongue as hard as it is .. I let things just be because sometimes it's just not worth the fight anymore. Life goes on with cancer, you still have all the same things about paying bills and living your life. It's tough at times. I am the independent person I have always been feeling so dependent on so many people. I reach out for comfort sometimes to people and I have literally been turned away. It's to hard for them to hear me cry to feel my pain. They would rather just pretend that I am no longer their friend because it makes it easier for them. I guess it would and then in turn it makes it harder for me. It's okay I see things differently now and I can take people for their face value. To bad I didn't know how they would have treated me all those years ago or I would have never been their friend in the first place. Losing friendships during this time is really hard for me too. I am disappointed by people. I am hurt and frustrated but I can not control other people. I think most people whether on the inside or the outside of my disease think I have all these people always around me and keeping me company. Most days that is so far from the truth. I have a special group of people that do love and support me day in and day out... Those are my heroes because it takes a hero to go through this disease with someone. I know that it's as heartbreaking for them to go through the day in and day out things of this disease with me. I just know that I could not make it through any of this without them. You can not understand how it feels for someone you love to have cancer until you have someone you love that has cancer. It's mentally exhausting.  It hurts me and I know it hurts the ones that love me to most just as much. 

The one other tough thing is.... still trying to be a loving, caring, nurturing mom through all of this. Trying to make a 6 year old understand why I can't get up and why I can't open my eyes to play with her is hard. She has the most inward view of this disease. She understands a lot more than I can even give her credit for. A 6 year understanding and dealing day in and day out of cancer is hard and completely and utterly unfair. Breaks my heart every time she has to face something new with me. Last week she had to learn all about pricking your finger and testing your glucose. It makes me sad. She should be playing baby dolls and being sheltered from this disease. I can't do that when I am her full time care taker. She wants to be with me. She comforts me more than she will ever know. She gives me the strength to keep this heartbreaking process going. The bond that we have is nothing short of amazing. I am loved by her... I am truly unconditionally loved by her. 

The other morning she was full of questions which gave me a great idea, we have decided to write a book together.  I thought I wanted to name it "Nobody will ever love you as much as your mama does" Then at the mall yesterday I found a shirt that say's "Live Your Life" (which I am wearing for my pet scan today) and I think that title totally suits the book much better. We will see. I have been asking her lots of questions on her feelings and I have had her draw pictures that almost take my breath away. I think sharing cancer through her eyes is something she will hold dear forever. I told her I want to donate 20% of profit to the  liver cancer group I am now a part of... The Georgia Liver Coalition , and the other part I want put away for her college tuition and her wedding. Maybe we will sell a lot of books and maybe we wont...but... whatever we make goes to a great cause and through that I feel a sense of happiness through the understanding of a disease with a little 6 year old leading the way. 

There are high's and low's of this disease. Today, I pray for a high. I pray to God that my Pet Scan shows no activity in any of the tumors. Today as I lay on that machine and have it scan my body for this horrible monster I pray this monster is defeated and gone from my life forever. There are days I fear every thing and others I fear nothing at all. I share this journey from my heart ... From the very being of my soul because I have to be open and honest with all of you because it makes me be open and honest with myself. 

There are things that I could go on and on about ... Things that I don't like that other people do or don't do. But honestly for once in my life this journey is about me. I am about me and I will forever be a changed person for going through all of this. I am in no way ever fighting with someone again. I am going to tell people my feelings and leave things where they lay. I don't need to have the last word or to try and make any one feel guilty about what they did or didn't do because at this point in my life you are either with me or you are without me. It's as simple as that.... It took getting cancer and going through all of this to realize the true simplicity of what that really means. 

Blog #32 Hope, Prayers, Peace, and Understanding

So many times I have been told ....I should not put my story out into the world. Because, sometimes it hurts for me to write the things that I don't even want to admit to myself. I wish I could be in denial of this disease. I wish that I didn't know that it could take my life. I wish that there was a cure and some magic wand that I could wave and no longer have cancer. I have been told several times not to proclaim my disease by name, if I don't call it cancer, I could change to "son of a bitch", but that is not politically correct to speak such a thing as a woman, so ....I call a spade a spade and this happens to just be cancer. 

I've lived a life of working very hard, falling down and picking myself back up and starting over more than once. I hold no shame in my desire to provide a good life for my children, I can't take back the moments that I was needed more at home than at the office, but what I can do is to share with all of  you the importance of having quality time with your friends, family, and especially your children.  At the end of the day all that matters truly is the ones that you love. The memories that you make, and the things you do together. We never will look back on our final hour and think we should have worked harder, we will always think "We should have spent more time" I have that opportunity now in my life, and I plan to work from home this summer and to be with my Evan Raine and Landon every second I can, making memories, doing whatever it is that we want to do together. Money is important but now that I am sick I realize in the whole scheme of things it's one of the most least important things in our whole lives. 

I have been taking the time this week to write letters for each birthday for my little Evan. I am writing about how much I want to be here for her birthday, and hopefully I will be, if not she will have something special from her mom to open on every birthday . A little something special in with the card. It is simply one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. It hurts so deeply that I can't even tell you, but my hurt today will be some of the greatest blessings in her life for many years to come.  So many times people have the best intentions thinking I will get around to that, they never do and then it becomes to late and then there is nothing, I am determined to not allow that to happen. 

There are some things that have to be done. So many things that come along with preparing for the future, one  that you may never see, and preparing for that is really hard. I am in that place, and believe it or not, I am finding a peace in making sure that I have things taken care of. as crazy as that sounds. I want to be prepared, honestly, we all should be prepared in our own lives. Make the time. Take the time to do the things that could mean the world to others if something should happen in your own lives. 

A terminal illness is tough to absorb. I am fighting every way I can to fight this monster and I know in my heart that I am truly care for. The compassion and outpouring of love and support for me is simply AMAZING.  I sometimes get overwhelmed. I am sure that I have hurt someone's feelings along the way because I didn't call, text, or message back, and I do apologize but this journey is about Christy Hicks, I am fighting for my life, and I would never want to hurt anyone. I just know that there are times I have to step away in my mind and heart from this disease and find some way to be my old self. To find some peace within this situation that I am going through.  It's a tough battle. It's heartbreaking one moment and then the next I find comfort in knowing I am doing every single thing I can, to keep going.  I worry more about my family than I do myself. I want them to find peace,  I want to know that if I don't make it through this disease that they will all be okay! I pray every night that I don't suffer so they don't suffer. I am a giver and even fighting for my life, I care more about all of them as I do myself. I wish I could say that I am looking forward to going to heaven, as I know my mama will be standing there with open arms waiting on me, and that will be a glorious day to have her there to hold and comfort me, something I have missed so much over the last almost 17 years. But, I am not ready. I don't know that I will ever be ready, but God's plan and in God's time. 

When my mama passed away she went in her sleep, I honestly thought that was the worst thing ever. I didn't get to say goodbye I was not prepared. But now going through all of this, I realize she was lucky, no matter how much it hurt me, she was as were we, spared the heartache of these days of up's and downs and sorrow. 

 I am by far giving up, I just know that there are some people that say I am in denial of this disease, I certainly am not. There is no one with me when I cry myself to sleep most nights besides Chris and Evan. They comfort me to the extent that I know it hurts them both so deep but I need them and I need their love and comfort more than I have ever needed it from anyone at any time. I am tired of crying I just want to be happy, to smile and laugh more than I ever have. To make more memories every single day as many as I possibly can. 

Today, I go to the oncologist again to get my results from my CT Scan from yesterday, I left the office after the test yesterday and found myself more at peace than I have in a long long time, I have found myself prepared for whatever he has to say to me and taking it and making the next best  possible  decisions to prolong my life as long as I possibly can. I want to live forever, but none of us, not a single one of us will live forever! Today, isn't the deciding factor of my life. This doctor can not determine my future and no one else here on earth possibly can either, I have made a new dedication to myself through all the good and bad news I receive on this journey, I will be grateful for every single day I have, I will make the most of it, I will take the progression of this disease and I will face each day with grace and the best possible attitude that I possibly can. Life is not easy to live and life is not easy to let go of either. 

I believe I can live a long life, and when I met with my doctor and he says he thinks the disease is progressing it was a reality check. I hated it .. I hated him saying it.... I could deny it all but he is the expert and not me. I hope today proves that he is wrong, I am crossing my fingers and praying really hard that he is. I have been preparing myself all week for today and it's amazing I find comfort  and peace today that I have not felt in a while. I slept like a baby last night! 

Don't cry for me...Pray for me!