Blog #41 "Courage & Vulnerability"

Life is a journey. A never ending & changing journey that leads us through the days of our lives. As we are truly never knowing or expecting what could happen with the dawn of a new day!  I love these pictures of Samantha and I through the years. The first picture she was about 3 years old. The second picture is her senior picture, there I was pregnant. The last one of us is several weeks ago. I love her so much. I hope that through my life she will understand some of the things in life that make no sense, and never let it falter her desire to be the best person she can be, through all the uncertainties that life seems to throw our way. It's determination, dedication, and the will to make it through the tough times in life that makes us better people all the time. 

The day major changes happened in my life, they were just normal days, same ole same ole things ,and in an instant ....my life changed forever. I reflect on my days of life that changed who  I was, what I thought was important, and often wonder if I could  have ever seen that happening ...if I would have paid more attention? I think we all do that is some form or another.

 Life is meant to be lived. I have had times that I wasn't living my life to it's full potential of happiness. Where I settled for less than what I wanted and and less than I truly deserved just to be comfortable in a uncomfortable life. Living life isn't easy. Letting go, starting over, and stepping outside of our comfort zones to find happiness. Happiness is more important to me now, than it has even been a day in my life before.  You only get one life, it isn't about the job that makes all the money, it isn't about the fancy house and nice cars, it isn't about having the best clothing, let me tell you none of those things even matter a fraction of a percent when you are fighting for your life. None of those things would make a single bit of difference when you are no longer here. 

There have been many times since I have gotten sick that I would sit and look around my house. Looking at all the stuff that I spent my hard earned money on, things I just had to have, and now I wish I could just get rid of it all. I thought about "What if something happened and I didn't make it through this? Where would all my stuff go.... I would leave this earth with every thing I have ever owned left behind.  Left for someone else to take care of after I was dead and gone. It made me sad to think of something so awful, but when you have no idea if you even have a tomorrow, you think about those things. It's almost as if you have to think about those things. As painful as those things can be.  

I am a very raw person, I say what I think and I write about what I feel. In doing so, I am able to release so much frustration and anxiety that I have in my life, that I would be someone totally different if I weren't able to express myself this way. This blog has been an outlet for me. The days that I was fearing death the most, I would log in, start writing, and I was able to turn almost all that negativity I was feeling, into something more inspiring through my own words. 

I was relieved that the cancer has not spread. That the tumors on the right side are 90% gone, and I have to tell  you all I feel like a million dollars. I still hurt in my side, I have pains in my legs, and I have another procedure tomorrow to burn the tumors on the left side, but all in all I am up, I am living life, I was out shopping, having dinner,hanging with family and friends,  and going to the movies over this fourth of July weekend. It has made all the days I laid in the bed and couldn't move, and all the times I have hugged the toilet worth every second of going through .....

Through this journey I have never wanted any one to feel sorry for me. I wanted to share my struggles, I wanted the people that had no idea what cancer means in someone's life, how it feels, What it looks like. And how it affects everyone that loves person with the disease.Before I got sick, I would hear of someone (I didn't really know) that they come down with cancer, and it was bad. I have to be honest, I thought they are not going to make it. Sometimes the person did and sometimes the person didn't. But, my point is... I thought cancer was a complete death sentence. I thought liver cancer was my death sentence. I don't feel that way anymore. What I want out of this disease is:

To be a better person
To find a way to share comfort to others
To give back all that I have been given since I have been sick
To hear the words "Cancer Free"
To get up everyday and know that I am going to live the best life I possibly can
To know that the people that have loved me through this know every day how unbelievably grateful I am for them and their love. 

   No matter the stage of the disease, where it is located, how fast or slow it grows, it's a word, it's a monster, is a problem that is so deeply hurtful to deal with day in and day out. I have had a lot of people tell me "I admire your strength, if it were me, I would be in bed feeling sorry for myself" I have thought about that so many times. You know... You never ever know what you will do ... Until you are faced with a situation. The thing about life is no matter what you have going on with yourself, life continues to go on. The world doesn't stop for our pain, or our sorrows, the world will always continue to go on with or without you.  I personally want to leave part of me behind. I want to share my heart and soul because the generations to come, I possibly will never meet, I want them to know... Their great great great grandmother was a fighter. My own grandmother (my mom's mom) died when my mother was 16, of breast cancer. You know what I know about her in my mind, is that she got sick. My mom had gone to party and came home kissed her mom, my mom told her if you want me to kiss you again, raise your finger, my mom kissed her and she died right then. That's the extent of a life that I know anything about, A woman that created a person that created me. My grandfather was a writer, he could have kept  a journal of her journey through cancer, and he didn't. Never have I seen anything he ever wrote about her, I don't think there is anything left, if he ever even wrote anything at all about her. . He wrote things I do have but honestly, nothing means more to mean that something from the heart and life of another person.

I am never going to be rich or famous. I know that I am simply just a single mom that has made more than my fair share of mistakes in my life, but to me and the ones that love and care for me I am a star. . I have caught a lot of grief from people over the years, thinking I think I am better than most. You know what I have never had the confidence that everyone seems to think that I have. What I have is a caring heart and soul and for me that has brought be further in life than ever having confidence. I put myself out there not because I am not afraid, but because I feel that I have to. It's a calling. It's this strong desire to share myself with people in the world I may never get the chance to meet or even know that gives me the courage to write the words and stories that I do. 

I saw someone that I know the other day write a post on Facebook:

I LOVE one of the rap songs that is popular today. I'm fascinated by the lyrics and appreciate the vulnerability in the words. I wish I had the courage to be so vulnerable many days.

This person is a leader in the church, that speaks the word of God, that is a beautiful person inside and out, I have reflected on her status for many days. And I suppose, the last sentence is what gets to me. I see this person as a leader, the courage of a lion, and vulnerable enough to stand in front of a congregation and share herself with so many to inspire them in their lives to lead them to God. I want her to know she has the courage and all the vulnerability in the world that she wants and that should lead her into new directions of hope and encouragement.  RP you are awesome! I wish I were more like you. I am better at writing my words on a computer screen than I ever will be standing before a crowd. 

We all are things that we never realized we are. We are leaders in how we raise our children,how we handle our relationships, and what we feel about ourselves. No one has a perfect life, it simply can not exist.  Some people hide their lives, they spend so much time trying to keep people from seeing into the inner side of their lives, because the outside looks so picture perfect. It's heartbreaking that they can not allow the world to see them for whom they are. I just believe in being honest. I believe that in sharing my life with the truth that I may just inspire someone else to believe that things in their own lives can honestly get better. 

Today, 5 months into this disease and I am having my  first cup of coffee that... Taste good, and that I have not thrown away with only a few sips missing. I am excited. Changes they happen to us all every single day. Never underestimate the unexpected and be prepared for anything... Because that's .....What life is all about.... 

I start a new journey tomorrow in the recovery of this disease. I am afraid, I hate the unknown, but what I I feel more than fear ...is this amazing desire to be cancer free. I have blindly gone into every aspect of my recovery, I have been afraid but not faltered from the plan. I know that I am in good hands, I have an amazing doctor, and I believe in him and therefore; my fears are less than that might normally have been! 

It hurts to know that this procedure could put me down for a while again, especially since I am feeling so good, I just have to believe that we never get where we are suppose to be without a little pain in life. I might not be able to write my blog for a few days, don't worry .. I am going to make it through this.. I will be back.... And sharing this journey of life for many days to come. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me.. .....   

Blog #32 Hope, Prayers, Peace, and Understanding

So many times I have been told ....I should not put my story out into the world. Because, sometimes it hurts for me to write the things that I don't even want to admit to myself. I wish I could be in denial of this disease. I wish that I didn't know that it could take my life. I wish that there was a cure and some magic wand that I could wave and no longer have cancer. I have been told several times not to proclaim my disease by name, if I don't call it cancer, I could change to "son of a bitch", but that is not politically correct to speak such a thing as a woman, so ....I call a spade a spade and this happens to just be cancer. 

I've lived a life of working very hard, falling down and picking myself back up and starting over more than once. I hold no shame in my desire to provide a good life for my children, I can't take back the moments that I was needed more at home than at the office, but what I can do is to share with all of  you the importance of having quality time with your friends, family, and especially your children.  At the end of the day all that matters truly is the ones that you love. The memories that you make, and the things you do together. We never will look back on our final hour and think we should have worked harder, we will always think "We should have spent more time" I have that opportunity now in my life, and I plan to work from home this summer and to be with my Evan Raine and Landon every second I can, making memories, doing whatever it is that we want to do together. Money is important but now that I am sick I realize in the whole scheme of things it's one of the most least important things in our whole lives. 

I have been taking the time this week to write letters for each birthday for my little Evan. I am writing about how much I want to be here for her birthday, and hopefully I will be, if not she will have something special from her mom to open on every birthday . A little something special in with the card. It is simply one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. It hurts so deeply that I can't even tell you, but my hurt today will be some of the greatest blessings in her life for many years to come.  So many times people have the best intentions thinking I will get around to that, they never do and then it becomes to late and then there is nothing, I am determined to not allow that to happen. 

There are some things that have to be done. So many things that come along with preparing for the future, one  that you may never see, and preparing for that is really hard. I am in that place, and believe it or not, I am finding a peace in making sure that I have things taken care of. as crazy as that sounds. I want to be prepared, honestly, we all should be prepared in our own lives. Make the time. Take the time to do the things that could mean the world to others if something should happen in your own lives. 

A terminal illness is tough to absorb. I am fighting every way I can to fight this monster and I know in my heart that I am truly care for. The compassion and outpouring of love and support for me is simply AMAZING.  I sometimes get overwhelmed. I am sure that I have hurt someone's feelings along the way because I didn't call, text, or message back, and I do apologize but this journey is about Christy Hicks, I am fighting for my life, and I would never want to hurt anyone. I just know that there are times I have to step away in my mind and heart from this disease and find some way to be my old self. To find some peace within this situation that I am going through.  It's a tough battle. It's heartbreaking one moment and then the next I find comfort in knowing I am doing every single thing I can, to keep going.  I worry more about my family than I do myself. I want them to find peace,  I want to know that if I don't make it through this disease that they will all be okay! I pray every night that I don't suffer so they don't suffer. I am a giver and even fighting for my life, I care more about all of them as I do myself. I wish I could say that I am looking forward to going to heaven, as I know my mama will be standing there with open arms waiting on me, and that will be a glorious day to have her there to hold and comfort me, something I have missed so much over the last almost 17 years. But, I am not ready. I don't know that I will ever be ready, but God's plan and in God's time. 

When my mama passed away she went in her sleep, I honestly thought that was the worst thing ever. I didn't get to say goodbye I was not prepared. But now going through all of this, I realize she was lucky, no matter how much it hurt me, she was as were we, spared the heartache of these days of up's and downs and sorrow. 

 I am by far giving up, I just know that there are some people that say I am in denial of this disease, I certainly am not. There is no one with me when I cry myself to sleep most nights besides Chris and Evan. They comfort me to the extent that I know it hurts them both so deep but I need them and I need their love and comfort more than I have ever needed it from anyone at any time. I am tired of crying I just want to be happy, to smile and laugh more than I ever have. To make more memories every single day as many as I possibly can. 

Today, I go to the oncologist again to get my results from my CT Scan from yesterday, I left the office after the test yesterday and found myself more at peace than I have in a long long time, I have found myself prepared for whatever he has to say to me and taking it and making the next best  possible  decisions to prolong my life as long as I possibly can. I want to live forever, but none of us, not a single one of us will live forever! Today, isn't the deciding factor of my life. This doctor can not determine my future and no one else here on earth possibly can either, I have made a new dedication to myself through all the good and bad news I receive on this journey, I will be grateful for every single day I have, I will make the most of it, I will take the progression of this disease and I will face each day with grace and the best possible attitude that I possibly can. Life is not easy to live and life is not easy to let go of either. 

I believe I can live a long life, and when I met with my doctor and he says he thinks the disease is progressing it was a reality check. I hated it .. I hated him saying it.... I could deny it all but he is the expert and not me. I hope today proves that he is wrong, I am crossing my fingers and praying really hard that he is. I have been preparing myself all week for today and it's amazing I find comfort  and peace today that I have not felt in a while. I slept like a baby last night! 

Don't cry for me...Pray for me!