The day major changes happened in my life, they were just normal days, same ole same ole things ,and in an instant ....my life changed forever. I reflect on my days of life that changed who I was, what I thought was important, and often wonder if I could have ever seen that happening ...if I would have paid more attention? I think we all do that is some form or another.
Life is meant to be lived. I have had times that I wasn't living my life to it's full potential of happiness. Where I settled for less than what I wanted and and less than I truly deserved just to be comfortable in a uncomfortable life. Living life isn't easy. Letting go, starting over, and stepping outside of our comfort zones to find happiness. Happiness is more important to me now, than it has even been a day in my life before. You only get one life, it isn't about the job that makes all the money, it isn't about the fancy house and nice cars, it isn't about having the best clothing, let me tell you none of those things even matter a fraction of a percent when you are fighting for your life. None of those things would make a single bit of difference when you are no longer here. There have been many times since I have gotten sick that I would sit and look around my house. Looking at all the stuff that I spent my hard earned money on, things I just had to have, and now I wish I could just get rid of it all. I thought about "What if something happened and I didn't make it through this? Where would all my stuff go.... I would leave this earth with every thing I have ever owned left behind. Left for someone else to take care of after I was dead and gone. It made me sad to think of something so awful, but when you have no idea if you even have a tomorrow, you think about those things. It's almost as if you have to think about those things. As painful as those things can be.
I was relieved that the cancer has not spread. That the tumors on the right side are 90% gone, and I have to tell you all I feel like a million dollars. I still hurt in my side, I have pains in my legs, and I have another procedure tomorrow to burn the tumors on the left side, but all in all I am up, I am living life, I was out shopping, having dinner,hanging with family and friends, and going to the movies over this fourth of July weekend. It has made all the days I laid in the bed and couldn't move, and all the times I have hugged the toilet worth every second of going through .....
Through this journey I have never wanted any one to feel sorry for me. I wanted to share my struggles, I wanted the people that had no idea what cancer means in someone's life, how it feels, What it looks like. And how it affects everyone that loves person with the disease.Before I got sick, I would hear of someone (I didn't really know) that they come down with cancer, and it was bad. I have to be honest, I thought they are not going to make it. Sometimes the person did and sometimes the person didn't. But, my point is... I thought cancer was a complete death sentence. I thought liver cancer was my death sentence. I don't feel that way anymore. What I want out of this disease is:
To be a better person
To find a way to share comfort to others
To give back all that I have been given since I have been sick
To hear the words "Cancer Free"
To get up everyday and know that I am going to live the best life I possibly can
To know that the people that have loved me through this know every day how unbelievably grateful I am for them and their love.
No matter the stage of the disease, where it is located, how fast or slow it grows, it's a word, it's a monster, is a problem that is so deeply hurtful to deal with day in and day out. I have had a lot of people tell me "I admire your strength, if it were me, I would be in bed feeling sorry for myself" I have thought about that so many times. You know... You never ever know what you will do ... Until you are faced with a situation. The thing about life is no matter what you have going on with yourself, life continues to go on. The world doesn't stop for our pain, or our sorrows, the world will always continue to go on with or without you. I personally want to leave part of me behind. I want to share my heart and soul because the generations to come, I possibly will never meet, I want them to know... Their great great great grandmother was a fighter. My own grandmother (my mom's mom) died when my mother was 16, of breast cancer. You know what I know about her in my mind, is that she got sick. My mom had gone to party and came home kissed her mom, my mom told her if you want me to kiss you again, raise your finger, my mom kissed her and she died right then. That's the extent of a life that I know anything about, A woman that created a person that created me. My grandfather was a writer, he could have kept a journal of her journey through cancer, and he didn't. Never have I seen anything he ever wrote about her, I don't think there is anything left, if he ever even wrote anything at all about her. . He wrote things I do have but honestly, nothing means more to mean that something from the heart and life of another person.
I am never going to be rich or famous. I know that I am simply just a single mom that has made more than my fair share of mistakes in my life, but to me and the ones that love and care for me I am a star. . I have caught a lot of grief from people over the years, thinking I think I am better than most. You know what I have never had the confidence that everyone seems to think that I have. What I have is a caring heart and soul and for me that has brought be further in life than ever having confidence. I put myself out there not because I am not afraid, but because I feel that I have to. It's a calling. It's this strong desire to share myself with people in the world I may never get the chance to meet or even know that gives me the courage to write the words and stories that I do.
I saw someone that I know the other day write a post on Facebook:
I LOVE one of the rap songs that is popular today. I'm fascinated by the lyrics and appreciate the vulnerability in the words. I wish I had the courage to be so vulnerable many days.
We all are things that we never realized we are. We are leaders in how we raise our children,how we handle our relationships, and what we feel about ourselves. No one has a perfect life, it simply can not exist. Some people hide their lives, they spend so much time trying to keep people from seeing into the inner side of their lives, because the outside looks so picture perfect. It's heartbreaking that they can not allow the world to see them for whom they are. I just believe in being honest. I believe that in sharing my life with the truth that I may just inspire someone else to believe that things in their own lives can honestly get better.
Today, 5 months into this disease and I am having my first cup of coffee that... Taste good, and that I have not thrown away with only a few sips missing. I am excited. Changes they happen to us all every single day. Never underestimate the unexpected and be prepared for anything... Because that's .....What life is all about....
I start a new journey tomorrow in the recovery of this disease. I am afraid, I hate the unknown, but what I I feel more than fear ...is this amazing desire to be cancer free. I have blindly gone into every aspect of my recovery, I have been afraid but not faltered from the plan. I know that I am in good hands, I have an amazing doctor, and I believe in him and therefore; my fears are less than that might normally have been!
It hurts to know that this procedure could put me down for a while again, especially since I am feeling so good, I just have to believe that we never get where we are suppose to be without a little pain in life. I might not be able to write my blog for a few days, don't worry .. I am going to make it through this.. I will be back.... And sharing this journey of life for many days to come.
Don't cry for me... Pray for me.. .....
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