This disease consumes my life right now, but I am hoping within the next 30 days I don't have to think about any more procedures, any more doctor visits for a little while, at least, where I don't have to do anything but work on getting my strength and health back to normal. Normal..... I never realized how precious a word that is before. Normal is nothing more to me than just being able to wake up, take care of myself, work full time, love on my children, go to dinner without pain, and just to be where I don't think about having cancer every second of every single day as I do now. I just want to be that boring word called NORMAL.....
I am waiting to hear about when I can go and have my CT Scan done at the hospital. I was planning and hoping for today but since I have not heard a word from anyone, I am not sure that it's going to happen today. Disappointment number one for today and then I called my Oncologist office to get my cancer marker, and I was informed the doctor forgot to order it... Disappointment number 2. Oh well, isn't that part of it. I just have been very on top of my own personal care and not only myself, but my brother asked the doctor specially to please order the marker, and it wasn't done.
Life is so precious. We really just have no idea what the future holds. Since being diagnosed with cancer... I know of 9 other people that have been told they have one form or another of cancer themselves. These people are friends of friends, no one I know personally except for one of them.... but none the less, several of them have since passed away and with each notification it breaks my heart into pieces. I hate cancer. I hate anyone gets cancer and I hate that I have this horrid disease. I know that most people don't want to share their story with the world and I do understand that. I just know that cancer doesn't define me and when I beat this I can prove that to the world. Life is short ... and I know that I hate that we can not always control what happens in our lives, I just know that I want to live the best life I possibly can. I want to be that person that knows where she is going and how she is going to get there. Right now I am in limbo and it isn't fun but I will be in this mode until I get myself well and get out of this cancer mode of life. Doctor visits, hospitals, medicines, and feeling bad. I have tears in my eyes thinking about all the people that have lost their lives to this disease. When I go for chemo it is usually much older people in there with me getting treatment.
I just got the call... The CT Scan has been ordered and has to be approved through my insurance carrier and then I can have it done. So it's the waiting game for a little bit and hopefully I can have the scan done no later than tomorrow.I need to know what he did last made things even better for me. I am crossing my fingers and toes and hoping that I am closer to the CANCER FREE marker in my life.
The last procedure that was done, I stayed in the hospital for 2 nights. They had put me to sleep for the procedure, which I thought would be better. Not quite. Apparently I woke up back in my room and the gurney that they moved me from recovery to my hospital room bed, I would not let them move me. So in this small hospital room was the bed and the gurney. I think I was a real jerk. I cussed out the doctor,( I don't remember that) then I got mad at the nurse for the small amount of pain medicine she was giving me in my port. I wasn't the best patient that day. I don't remember a single thing. I remember several people came to see me, but I was in so much pain that I don't even remember talking to them, one of those people being my sweet little Evan Raine. I am glad I behaved myself with her, at least I assume I did since she didn't say anything about me being crazy!
I had no idea any of that stuff went on until I got home from the hospital, no wonder it took them forever to bring me my pain medicine and anything else I asked for! Hmmmm.....
Anesthesia will make you say and do crazy things, I am no exception to that rule I suppose. I was in so much pain and honestly, I still have a lot of pain, but with each day it's getting better. It's just getting myself up and getting around again that is going to be the only thing that can work out the pain. I would rather feel the pain in my side then I would to be just laying in the bed ...out of it like I was for almost 3 weeks. I was horrible.
After the CT Scan we will have some answers to the direction I will be heading with further treatment. I hope the CT Scan will be done tomorrow. I am a very impatient person and I really want to know how well this worked on the left side and see if burning off the other 10% that was left on the right untreated from the Y-90 worked to rid my liver of the rest of this disease. I have to say the Y-90 was a breeze compared to him going in and burning the tumors off. That was incredible pain. Pain I hope I never feel again. I don't know that I can take going through any of that again. I say that and I read a post from a friend I have on facebook that her husband has cancer and they went in an surgically removed his stomach and esophagus and they rebuilt them out of his intestine's he has had some set backs, but he is fighting hard to save his life. If he can do it through all of that, I can do it through all that I have had done. I feel encouraged and strengthened by other patients and I love sharing and following their journey's of hope of cancer free themselves.
There is no one road through cancer...every one has their own stories.... their own pain and suffering and their own victories. There is no easy way to maneuver through cancer, there is no path you travel that will lead you through the journey, it's all up and down, in and out, winding and straight days that you travel alone. Cancer takes the lives of so many people. Like me, no one wants to die. When you are told you have this horrid disease the first thing anyone probably thinks of is dying. Then they prepare for the fight of their lives. We all fight this disease... We all hope to beat this disease. There is no certain outcome of when, how, or even why. It's really in what happens and how this disease reacts to modern medicine as to where it and you go from there. I want to live. I have said that since the first time I wrote a blog. I have fear of dying, there are times more so than I care to admit, but fear doesn't mean you give up it's just that you are logical about what may or may not happen. I fear death only when I can not get up and out of bed, I fear that all the things that we are doing to rid my body of the disease could be damaging it as well. I don't know the answers I just know that I am putting my faith, belief, trust, and life into the hands of someone that knows and has treated this kind of disease before. I want to live. I have so much to live for and truly, I have so much more I wish to do with this life of mine. I beg God every day to let me overcome this disease!
Summary... I am better, not 100% yet, but better. I have a smile on my face I have been at work all day and I have accomplished a lot. I have great friends, a wonderful family that I am truly grateful for. Life isn't easy or normal right now, but I am working on that too.
I will post again when I have more news and as I always say Don't cry For me.....Pray for Me.
No comments:
Post a Comment