Blog #43..... Onward and Outward with this Monster

It's been one of those days. The kind that takes your breath completely away from you with a phone call, that could ultimately change the course of everything as you are told the doctor needs you in his office right away, with no explanation. The news wasn't as bad as my heart hurt that it would be, it's a change of plans in treatment and having surgery not only this week but next as well.  I am okay with that, I just hope my poor body that has already been through so much in the last 60 days... will be. 

I am having another procedure Friday where the doctor will go in and burn off the one tumor in the middle of my liver, it's deep within the right and left side and very hard to treat. Then... on Wednesday next week, I will once again have the Y-90 where they go in through my artery in my leg and inject the radiation microscopic beads into my liver to get the last 10% of the tumors that are left on the right side of the liver.  I had the Y-90  for the first time May 22, 2014, it was tough but I survived. I just had the burning procedure 3 weeks ago, and that was rough, mainly because he burned 6 larger tumors, and luckily this time he is only going to be burning one, hopefully that will be a walk in the park procedure compared to last time. Keeping my fingers crossed. 

There is a lot being done to get this cancer out of my body, but my liver has held up incredibly well and with  no damage at all  to the function of my liver. In our meeting yesterday we talked about "What if's" that was a hard conversation to have, the "what if "... I had not had these procedures so far, the disease would be so much more progressed by now ...and I would be yellow and in liver failure. I had nothing but tumors all in my liver and now I have hardly any. It's the moment that you think "Thank God, I am alive" I look back as the road I have traveled to get me to this point and it's been a lot of searching and HUGE decisions that have had to be made, and ultimately I have had to make them myself. I am glad of the decisions, I probably would not be alive right now if I had not made these decisions. I am grateful to be alive, I really am. I never one second wanted to die, I feared death, and I am sure there are a lot of people that thought like I did at the beginning, if you have liver cancer, it's a death sentence. I'm so glad that it's not. 

It's not that I want to beat the odds to prove anything to anyone, I want to be the beat odds because I want to live, I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to have my life back. The last 6 months have been a whirlwind. A total whirlwind that has taken my life and shock it up completely. I will always be a cancer patient. I will probably never feel free of this disease. I hope that I am in remission, I hope that I am cancer free, I know that I am not far from the end of this journey and to stay on top of the disease making sure it hasn't come back and treating it if it does. I may fight this battle the rest of my life, or it could be that we kill all these tumors and I never face it ever again a day in my life, there is no telling what can/will happen.  So when I think about being rid of this disease I don't think of it that way! 

School starts back a week from Monday,  I am probably going to miss open house on the 8th, it makes me sad, but I would rather be done with this stupid cancer procedures and onto recovery for the rest of her life of open houses..... I have missed out on a lot these last 6 months. I have been either stuck home in bed sick, doctor appointments, or in the hospital. I hope that all changes really soon! That's one of the most painful  things about having these disease for me, is missing out on things with my Evan and Landon. I spend a lot of time trying to explain this to them both. They are so young and can't possibly understand... but I try. Evan and I have spent a lot of time in the past several months crying about me having cancer, now we just talk about how every day I am getting better and beating this monster inside of me.  

I have a great life, one that has been very challenged while trying  to beat this disease! But,  I think I have done a great job of managing my business part time with a full time responsibility. I have worked very hard as trying to maintain, build, and give my all to my health, family, and business as much as I possibly can. I had been told many times that I should hire someone to run my business but honestly..... I love working. The second I feel better after any of my procedures I am back at work, I may not be able to stay all day, I may not be able to do all the things I use, even  as fast as I could, but I have done my best and I have loved every second that I felt good enough to work in the office instead of laying in the bed sick answering calls.  The challenges are only temporary. I have had to remind myself of that over and over again. People (friends) get mad at me for being at work, it's who I am. I am an overachiever and I want to be successful not for anyone but myself and I love being an Insurance Agent. Believe me, I will be hitting you guys up for letting me quote your insurance in about another 60 days. I am allowing myself to get better and then I am full speed ahead.... as I always have been! 

A lot of people have said they would not have been as brave as I have through this, that they probably would have laid in the bed and cried and/or given up by now. You never know how strong and tough you are until you are forced to find the strength to keep going and keep fighting. This isn't easy but it's not as hard as you think it is, if you want to live and you are the one that has to fight to make that happen. We do what we are forced to do. We do what we have to do. And we do what we sometimes never expect ourselves to have to do. It's life. There are no exception to who this disease effects hopefully none of you will ever face this horrible disease but know if you do or someone that you love does, it is a battle and it is a fight for your life, and your life is certainly worth it all. 

Thank you all so much... please be praying for me and my family as the next several weeks are going to be tough on us all again but we have been down these roads before and this time there is so much less left to rid my body of and hoping that it makes it easier for me and my healing time and process. I appreciate all of you and know that I am so grateful to have all the love and support I do... Day in and day out every single day of this journey! 

DON'T CRY FOR ME.... PRAY FOR ME!!!