On Friday, last week, I had what we hope was my last Y-90 treatment for my liver cancer. Hoping that the 10% that was left over from the last time will now be completely gone and out of my body... forever. It was hard having that procedure done on Friday since I had just had surgery on Monday and was still having all the full side effects from that. I was fearing for my life. I was afraid to allow myself to be as strong as I knew I had to be in that moment.
In the one moment I fell completely apart and feared that what we were doing would not work .... I remember laying there and my doctor came up and spoke to me.. He said I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to but it needed to be done. He gave me the choice. (Not that he would have ever let me leave that operating room he didn't fool me for a second). He gave me the confidence in myself to make the choice to do the procedure and to keep the follow through where we began this journey. I cried and looked at him straight into the eyes and said "I just want at the end of all of this to be healed... to be cancer free" he looked at me and said "No one wants that more for you than I do" In that moment... no amount of pain, fear, or insecurity mattered we are on a mission, a mission that we are on together, a doctor and a patient and I can not even begin to tell you how encouraging that is to someone. To have someone that is working to save your life, that is a doctor that most could really care less about their patients other than their patient number and their payments. I feel cared for. I feel that I was sent by God to a man that would take me into his skilled hands and will do what he can to save my life. Not for any other reason but because of the life that I have left to live and the heart and soul of a woman that has so much left to give in this lifetime.
Everyone.... tells me how strong I am. I guess when you have no other choice but to be strong there just are no other options. I have had a really hard time over the last 6 months. I have not cooked, cleaned, done anything much fun. I have been working on healing myself. I have allowed my body for the first time in 45 years to rest. I have listened to when I need to rest and when I am ready to get up and go to work. I have not been a good friend, I have not been the best mom I could be, I have not been a lot of things because I have been working on getting well so I can be all that I need and desire to be. I have been thinking a lot about this journey. It has led some amazing people into my life. People that have pulled themselves inward when all I have tried to do is push them away and keep my distance. Those people would not allow that to happen and for that I am so grateful. It's not easy fighting cancer. It's not easy for anyone. It's so hard on the patient as well as all the family and friends that rally around to comfort and support the person with the disease. I am fighting for my life and if I have to spend every day that the Lord gives me to fight for that day then that is what I plan on doing. I hope my down and bad days are now behind me. Unfortunately, I still have to do chemo, and I have a treatment this coming Wednesday morning. I don't want to do it, I fight it hard but it's imperative to keep the cancer from spreading somewhere else in my body, my biggest fear. So.... I go and have the chemo and I take it like the trooper I am and I sit there with all the other people getting theirs wishing none of us were in that room having to do something so horrible.
Life isn't easy. There are challenges every single day that we face. We all have one thing or another going on in our lives that makes it tough. I just know that I have learned that the petty things no longer have as much effect on the person that I am and the person I plan on being. I have a heart of gold, I will give anyone anything I have if it would help I look at other people I know that are facing their own battles with cancer, and I want to reach out to them and at this point I am unable too. That is temporary I plan on making my mission to help other cancer patients see the good in the days that they feel so bad. I have no idea where I will begin but I am hoping to start a support group with some people I know. Just a group of women to have to get together with that truly understands one another fears and insecurities. I thought about joining a support group when I first got sick, but I decided against it, I think it's getting to be about that time. I hope to meet many people in various stages and cures in their diseases. There are so many that face this battle in silence that do not want others to know, maybe it's they don't want the attention from others, or whatever, I just know that as long as I have a breath in me, and I am going through something that I can share my experiences with others and to have someone else maybe learn something from me, and my decisions than it makes sharing worth it all to me.
It would be easy to hide away from the world. There are times I really want to do just that. I want to just make this all go away, I want to just play make believe that this isn't happening to me. No matter how hard I would want that, it wouldn't work.
I have focused my life around this disease for the last 6 months, trying to rid my body of something I will never see. Never be able to touch and yet, it was doing it's best to kill me. Makes no sense does it? Sometimes the things we can no see, touch, smell, or hear can be our worst enemy, I know I met mine, but my cancer had no idea how strong and determined I am going to be to make sure it doesn't take any more of my life that I have left to live. I have decided that I want to focus on Christy, on the people in my life that mean the world to me. I am ready and strong enough to give back for all that I have been given. I know that I don't have to! I want to. I want to know that my life has a purpose and it isn't to fight cancer, my life is to make a difference even if it is in my story of my journey and the hope and desire that I have to live my life every single day. Life is not about what tomorrow brings it's about what you have in this very moment is what is all that matters. Trying refocusing your own life at living in the moment, it's much easier and more fulfilling!
It would be easy to hide away from the world. There are times I really want to do just that. I want to just make this all go away, I want to just play make believe that this isn't happening to me. No matter how hard I would want that, it wouldn't work.
I have focused my life around this disease for the last 6 months, trying to rid my body of something I will never see. Never be able to touch and yet, it was doing it's best to kill me. Makes no sense does it? Sometimes the things we can no see, touch, smell, or hear can be our worst enemy, I know I met mine, but my cancer had no idea how strong and determined I am going to be to make sure it doesn't take any more of my life that I have left to live. I have decided that I want to focus on Christy, on the people in my life that mean the world to me. I am ready and strong enough to give back for all that I have been given. I know that I don't have to! I want to. I want to know that my life has a purpose and it isn't to fight cancer, my life is to make a difference even if it is in my story of my journey and the hope and desire that I have to live my life every single day. Life is not about what tomorrow brings it's about what you have in this very moment is what is all that matters. Trying refocusing your own life at living in the moment, it's much easier and more fulfilling!
No one can face this monster alone and no one ever should. I hope to be a light of hope and inspiration in the lives of others that may be facing this today or even in the future.
Information is knowledge and knowledge leads to life!
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