I would be lying... if I said I wasn't still scared. I just want with all my heart to be tumor free. The anticipation of the PET SCAN on 9/8/2014 weighs heavy on my mind these days. It just seems like forever before I get it done, which gives me ...way to much time to think about the outcome. I do believe that I am going to be tumor free and I truly believe in my heart of hearts that the cancer has not spread anywhere else in my body.
Is it 100% gone now? One could only hope so!
I just can't wrap my mind around all of this on some days. The fact that I am sick, the fact that I am almost there beating this monster and yet my liver is swollen with a tumor and is painful. It's been a tough road. Nothing like I have ever experienced in all of my life before. I guess I just wonder how I can be so close to being tumor free and still feel bad at times. It doesn't make sense to me. I know it should because my body has been through so much over the last 6 months. 7 surgeries in 3 months, chemo treatments on top of the surgery. That is what makes this all so unreal to me. Seems these days the only thing I can think about this cancer, and not necessarily my cancer but others around me that are also effected by this horrible disease. Over the last 30 days two people passed away, one with a brain tumor, and the other with stomach cancer. It's hard to hear and follow someone else's journey and read that they have passed away. It breaks my heart. Every where I go, and seems every one I meet... is impacted by this horrible disease in one form or another.
I have thought a lot about what I am suppose to do with all of this information and the process of healing. I think back to all the doctors that told me "Do not do the Y-90, it is a last resort and only Interventional Radiologist believe in that treatment, most oncologist don't" So here is my thought on that. .....
I was told after the first Y-90 treatment I was 90% cancer free on the right side of my liver that he treated with the radiation beads. 90% something chemo was not going to offer me. I was told that chemo would allow me to live 12 months and that should be my life expectancy. Is that fair? What if I would have listened to the oncologist's, I would probably be in hospice or in heaven by now! That is a fact!
I came into this blindly learning about this disease, and willing to put every thing I had and any thing that was offered to me into beating this monster. Believe me, I was terrified. I didn't want some doctor put radiation in my body. I didn't want my stomach sliced into and all the muscle getting to the liver to burn 9 tumors. I didn't want to be put to sleep. I didn't want to lay on my back for 6 hours unable to move. I didn't want any of that. But, I had to ... I had to do what it took to fight for my life. I had to open my mind to someone else taking charge of my care, telling me what I was going to do, and just going with it. I felt comfortable enough to do that. Not a second in my life did I want to face any of those things. At times I had to put on my fighting gloves and sometimes I have actually needed to punch myself! I can not lose this battle, I have put myself out of my comfort zone so far and wide that I just feel like I am one the worlds largest and longest roller coasters, with my eyes closed and just going with it until I get to the end
. I just am not sure that there is a end to this disease. I think sometimes I wonder if I will ever be free, If I will ever be safe from this monster, if I will ever have a day in all the days of my life I have left to live that I will not fear cancer. I can't talk to it, I can't sell it on sparing my life, I can not change it's mind... It's something we can't see, it's a horrible disease within our bodies that unfortunately we can not control. I have been so mad, angry, frustrated, and scared of this disease that I have had to take the stand that I will not give into something I can not see. I have a full life left for me to live, I will sacrifice my security to save my life. And then I think ... even if I spend the next 20 years fighting this disease... I'm still alive. For me, I want to live. I have so much left to do, so much more to share, and so many more lives to impact.
I think without the comfort and quality of care that I have been given by Abbas Chamsuddin I would not be here today to make anymore difference in the world. My blogs and books would leave the story untold... as I want to tell it. I have no idea where my future leads me... I just know that in a world of medicine with a disease like liver cancer, and being told by 7 out of 8 Oncologist in the country not to do the Y-90 and them never given me the option under there personal care is a shame. Not a shame for me because I went for the cure, but for the people that go and see one doctor that tells them do chemo and they die within the time frame they were given from the beginning ... Whereas, they could have been told about the Y-90 and been given the choice and option as I was for my own personal care. For me, this treatment is about saving my life. It's my doctors goal too. I can not say that about anyone else that I have seen anywhere else around the country. I think I figured out my purpose through all of this heartache. It's to do something about the options that people with liver cancer are given. Where I start with my local politicians and go forward to spread the word of my story, how the Y-90 made all the difference in my life and to hopefully make it mandatory for patients to at least be told about the treatment and given the option to do it or not. That's the first step. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. So to at least give people the option is the first step in saving lives!
I am one person but I can promise you this... I am one person that wants to make a difference in the world, not matter how tiny or large my mission may become, it's about saving lives. About giving a mother or father more years with their children. It's about making options available to people that may not have ever had the opportunity to take a chance to save their own life. I want the world to know ... Liver cancer doesn't have to be a death sentence.
When I was first told I had liver cancer, I was told that it was so bad I was not and will not be a candidate for a liver transplant or surgery cutting off the bad parts. That has also changed for me. I was told a few weeks ago if this last round of Y-90 damages my liver, he would refer me to a surgeon and they would cut off the right side as the left side is doing great. I don't want that, and I honestly hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, I get back on the the roller coaster, eyes closed tightly and just go with it. The thought of that worried me for weeks, before and after my last surgery. But, I know that what is best for me my doctor Abbas Chamsuddin will make the right choices for me to do and help guide me to living a full and happy rest of the days of my life. I have never really had a doctor that I believed in as much as I believe in him. I am sure there are times he wants to duct tape my mouth, and that's okay. I am a pain, I ask a lot of questions, and I am a big baby but I just need a little reassurance at times to get me over the hump and he does just that, not always in the ways I want... but the ways that he as my doctor can only do. He can not guarantee me life, but he is doing all he can to make sure he does his best. That is more than I could ever ask of him. I just want the world to know how amazing he is. How he is a man of integrity, dedication, and the pure desire to save lives. Not just mine but everyone he comes into contact with, and I believe that. It's funny he is at a small town hospital and is a brilliant man.
I write a lot about my doctor but I want to make sure that any person that come into contact with my blog w knows that he is there and a great option for their own life saving options.I actually have mailed him a letter today, that I would like to share with all of you...
Dr. Chamsuddin,
I am
forever a changed person because of you! I will never again be the person I
once was. Your dedication to my recovery is nothing less than amazing to me and
my family! You were open and honest with
all of us throughout this journey !
No
matter how far I ran to search for other answers (I never got) you patiently
waited on me to be ready for the commitment of care you were offering to me. I
know I am not the easiest patient, nor the best, by any means. I was scared. I
was scared dying. I was scared to know I had the disease and more afraid to
treat it. I had been given a death sentence by many other doctors, all across
the country. Except… for you, of course.
Even if you thought it, you never told ME that!
I don’t
know what you thought about my case when we first met and how you felt throughout
the process of the procedures you did for me, I just know that since that first day we met ,for the first
biopsy I believed in you and that has not wavered a day since then.
Life
leads us where we need to be. I believe that! You are a GREAT doctor and what
makes you great is…. You genuinely care about your patients…I consider you my
friend, you are my “Hero” you are the one person that has given me a chance to
live. How amazing is that?
Your
compassion is your best attribute. Never… ever… ever loose sight of that. I have appreciated your
honesty and your true desire to go the extra mile for me with every bump in the
road we have faced.
I can
not put into words how grateful I am … I just know that from the deepest depths
of my heart and soul… I thank you for everything.
I don’t
think I can thank you enough. I just wanted a little note to say how great I
think you are and how grateful I am that you are my doctor
Christy
Hicks
Thanks for everyone that has been thinking of and praying for me.I know that I am forever grateful for the love and support I, as well as my family ...has been shown over the last several months. And believe me if you are interested in my fight with legislation to make sure every liver cancer patient has all their options, you would be giving your time and efforts to a great cause. Thanks.
Don't cry for me...Pray for me!
No comments:
Post a Comment