Blog #46..... Shaved head, a Dolly wig, and a happy woman....

 I woke this morning for the first time  to my bald head, turned the light on only to hear the amazing belly laughter of my little 6 year old daughter. She thought me being bald was the funniest thing she had ever seen. We both laid in the bed and laughed. I could cry about it. I could say that it's easy and I could just walk around and be comfortable with no hair, but I will not lie.... I am a little vein, not as much as I once was... but I am still a 45 year old woman that wants to be and feel beautiful.The process of getting my body rid of this disease has been tough. My body has changed so much, the huge boobs I have always had are no longer that big. My butt that was always defined as perfectly perky  is now pretty much non-existent. The features of what I held onto with my body as a woman I have lost for now with  horrible disease is tough! And then to shave my head, it's okay. I know that I am not going to be this way forever. The things I have had to give up, to get to live a longer life... are nothing in the whole scheme of things. 

I want to be the person I use to be in some ways and I am so glad in other's that I will never be that person again. I have been challenged by this horrible disease to the brink of my sanity at times. I have had to hold my head high... when I didn't feel like even holding my head up at all. 

The hardest part for me is not being able to do all the things with my little Evan that I always have. I hate when she cries about me being sick. I hate to hear that she had a melt down at school. She seems to talk to her little friends about me having cancer. She came home a few weeks ago and asked me "How did you get cancer, mama? All my friends keep asking me" In that moment I really didn't know what to say, I had no real answer that I could give her, so I was just honest and said "Honey, I don't know!" She accepted that answer and went back to playing.

 Those moments of cancer and my child in the same sentence are what hurts .. For her to have to see me so down and out in those days that I am not feeling good is one of the hardest parts of having cancer. She doesn't understand, heck for that matter I don't understand any of this myself. But we keep going. We get through the bad days so that we can enjoy our good days together. When I first got sick I feared not seeing my daughter grow up and then after going through all that I have I have fought this battle for Evan, Sam, and Landon. The loves of my life. The three lives that I have a hand in creating. The three people that are so much a part of who I am, I have to live for them. Their lives would never be the same without me. I am not a perfect mama, but I am their mama and grandma and I love them with every ounce of my heart and soul. There will never be anyone that will ever love the three of them as much as I do. 

Life can change in the blink of an eye. A life altering change will make you sit back and literally see the things that mean the most to you, right before your eyes. The people that have rallied around me to give me comfort and strength have truly been what has kept me going. Giving me the courage to face each day knowing that so many people not only are praying for me, but believe in my ultimate healing. I have been humbled by all of this. I have been brought to my knees so many times. I have felt comfort in knowing that I matter to so many people. It has gotten me through some of the hardest days of my life! I am so grateful! More than I could ever express in words. 

When my friend Linda got done shaving my head last night. I walked into my bathroom ready to face the person I was going to see in the mirror. The initial shock brought tears to my eyes. I feared that person in the mirror for a second, only for a second because I know that person in the mirror has been through so much and was brave enough to take the steps needed to start a fresh start through this horrible process. I felt okay then. I took a picture of myself, I texted it to my brother, sister,and a couple of friends and I sat down at my computer and I contemplated putting my bald head out for the world to see. I sat and thought for a moment, and that is all it took. I have shared this journey every step of the way and this was a hard step but one that I felt needed to be shared more than most things. To be strong enough to be so vulnerable gave me comfort and strength beyond anything that I could ever write and explain to you.  This journey has been very open. Very forward and very hard at times to share but I have stretched myself beyond my comfort zone and did it all in hopes to help someone else. Maybe someone not even facing sickness can relate to so much about what I share. This is my journey but we all have our own journeys we live and face every single day. Being brave isn't without vulnerability. 

My wig reminds me a little of Dolly Parton, my hero, and Who knows maybe my story will get back to her one day and I might get my one wish fulfilled one day.... and I can meet her. I would be so lucky to have that happen. If you are going to go for it.. Go big... That's what I think.... 

Thank you all for reading, sharing, and following my story....  Remember....

Don't cry for me ... Pray for me.