Blog #95... Truthful fears and insecurities on Pet Scan Days.....

I have so much restless energy, today. I can't eat because... I am having the pet scan and I am starving. Go figure, these days I am never really hungry and because I can not eat, I want to eat even more. I hate that about myself. I always have wanted the things I can't have, just because I can't have something, it makes me want it more. It's all so crazy!

I am looking forward to doing the pet scan and yet in my mind I am so uncertain about it. I go from being okay to worrying about every single little thing that doesn't mean anything at all. I go to that place of total fear, fear what the results are going to be, fear that cancer may have gone somewhere else and spread, fear that I didn't do chemo for 3 weeks so I could enjoy my girls trip and I fear because of that I messed something up with the cancer. I feel guilty for this monster living inside of me. The monster could care less about my feelings or emotions it just wants to take my life and the harder I fight the more stubborn it has seemed to become. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that I may be free and I know in the back of my mind since there is still a cancer marker indicating cancer that the cancer is still there. How much torture can this disease really take? We have blasted this crap to the max, we have gone above and beyond what is normal to kill this disease and it still keeps wanting and coming back for more... I want to just cuss it out,. I want it to go away. I want it to just leave me alone and let me have ALL of my life back and this just isn't up to me. It's a fighter. Cancer has it own way of recreating itself and I don't understand it. 

I want to believe that what we have done is enough... but I don't ever go into anything trying to pretend that the mere facts don't exist. I am a person that looks at the whole picture. I know the picture is beautiful and I see the life living inside of it and yet as much as I want to believe that the fairy tale is there... I am in reality knowing that I have more work to do. That this monster is wanting more torture to see if it will finally give up and just walk away from me and what next go to someone else? That is even worse. I wish there was no cancer. I wish there was a cure. A way to know how to get this disease from even entering and invading anyone's body. It breaks my heart and yet I face this disease myself every single day. I wake up checking my glucose to make sure it's not to high. I take pain pills a couple of times a day just to deal with the back pain, I think about the chemo when I am completely wiped out convincing myself I wont be feeling this way much longer as it leaves my system. And then there are these all so dreaded pet scans that I hate almost as much as anything else about cancer. 

 It's the answers we are looking to find but it's not always the answer I am wanting to hear. I am not negative about any of this I am just a patient going through this horrible disease. This painful disease that takes so much of my body and mind and I know that I am fighting for my life. I fight to stay alive. I fight to beat this monster I can not see. I fight to raise my daughter and to be here with the people that I love. It hurts deeply. I fear the things that I never let come from my mouth. The words that break my heart inside that no one can ever see because I fight for the right to make those words unspoken with each day I do a treatment, take a pill, or do another test. I wish I were not this person. But I am .. But I am! 

This road has been full of amazing people cheering me on and yet with all the love and support I am shown... I feel so alone sometimes. The realty of this disease for me is every single day. It never becomes old news for me it's always forefront in my mind. I have been open and honest with this journey, there are days that are good and there are days that I have total fear in my mind. Today is just one of those days. Every 3 months I have these pet scans done I get myself all worked up and worried. I like being scheduled and having it done first thing in the morning. That way it is done and over with and today I am schedule for 1;30 and that leaves me almost the whole day to sit and think about it. I hate that. Once it's done and over with I don't seem to worry as much I  seem to find a calmness. 

I just wanted to open my heart and write the words that were on my mind today. I know either way good or bad news I have and will continue to give this monster all that I have inside of me to kick it's butt. It's not an easy road at all. But, it's what I am facing and it's what has to be done. 

Please pray for me to find the peace that I need to get through today. I really appreciate your thoughts and support! I wonder sometimes if my test days and reading my results can hurt Dr. Chamsuddin as they hurt me.I know it's hard to be my doctor sometimes,because I am so in your face and so a part of your life and my story has been read and shared with so many people. I tell him all the time one day I will be famous, he laughs and says "You already are" that is what makes him great! 

I feel like Dr. Chamsuddin is a much as a part of my journey... as anyone in my family is. I remember the last results when he called and had to tell me that there were 5 new tumors that had shown up, I could hear in the tone of his voice, I knew it was hard for him  to see those results much less to have to tell me. But here is the thing... He has not given up on me. He keeps pushing himself and pushing me along this road of cancer and he is the expert and no matter what today's results may show I know in my heart that no matter what is or isn't there... I am with the doctor that I am suppose to be on this journey with. I would not change a single thing, except to have believed a lot sooner and just gone for it a month or two earlier. I had to search my options and just glad my best option was still there and available when I finally made my mind up. Dr. Chamsuddin is my hero he is an amazing man and doctor and because of him I am here to still write and share my story, I have no doubt about that at all. 

Don't cry for me.... Pray for me..