It wasn't always easy. I remember all the nights I would cry. I would beg my brother to not make me do another procedure again week after week with no real time to feel good enough to do it and I seemed to find myself pushing through some of the toughest days of my life not because I wanted to but because I had to... I wanted to live and I made a commitment to myself and Dr Chamsuddin and I had no choice but to fight. Fight harder than I ever had before for anything.
Looking back now 1 year later.. I have made all the the right choices. I made the decision I could do it and I put everything I had inside of me to make it through those tough days. I'm still on the road and I'm still going strong. I'm still fighting. I'm still believing that I can see this disease through to the very end. I've seen and felt ways in my life that I never dreamed I would go through. I've rejoiced at the outcome of my procedures and I've cried when things haven't been the way I wanted them to be. I've been happy and sad. I've had really good days and days that I was so sick I had no idea if I would be able to ever get out of bed again...I've been a roller coaster with my body, mind, and emotions. I've had to trust in the doctors that I have chosen to treat me, especially Dr Chamsuddin I couldn't trust him anymore than I do. I have all my faith in him. Faith that he makes the right choices for my treatments. Choices in when and what needs to be done. I have gone into every thing he's done for me knowing as a patient and as a person he's always had my best interest at heart. My brother Greg and I were having a heart to heart talk one night, the kind of talks that we rarely have, it's that kind of talk that takes your emotions and shakes them to the core of being so emotional on so many levels. I was saying something about Dr Chamsuddin liking me (as a person) and how it made it so much easier to get through all of this. He said " Christy, it's so much more than him liking you, he loves you like so many other people do" I am one of those people that I grow on you. I'm bullheaded and determined but also resourceful and understanding I don't even pretend to have all the answers through this disease. I leave that to the professionals. I ultimately have the say so in my health ..as all patients do but I am a believer in the treatments I'm doing and that makes all the difference. I haven't had any decisions to make other than when I initially had my first Y90 and agreed to starting down that road to my recovery ...best ...decision I ever made. The best decision I could have ever even been offered to me.
It was my only HOPE. Hope was all I was given and thank GOD I took that hope and ran with it. I get teary eyed sometimes when I sit down and think about where I was and how far I have come. It's not been easy by any stretch but it's been worth every ounce of fear, pain, discomfort to be here today and alive. I am defying the odds. I am one of the lucky ones I respond well to the treatments and I'm able to tolerate the chemo for the most part. I have my days that after my chemo treatments I am dead tired and hurt all over. After a year you would think I would be use to it and in some ways I am and others it's hard to accept it! I do the best I can. And that's all I can't expect of and for myself.
I had chemo today and my two friends I always sat with for months and months now are no longer there ...they have both gone into remission and I was a bit sad to go without them today. I sat next to a very sweet lady and we had a great conversation. She usually goes on Monday's and with it being Wednesday and just going in to follow up on something she had done on Monday not having treatment ..she wasn't prepared for having to do the chemo today...so when my sister showed up with a pizza from Mellow Mushroom we had us a little pizza party and it made the day better. I can walk into a crowded or nearly empty room and leave there with at least one new friend. That's me ...it's just who I am. I love hearing about other people's lives. You can learn a lot out of life by listening and not talking! That's the truth.
I've learned a lot about myself over these last almost 16 months. I've learned to take life one day at a time. I've learned to be stronger than I that I could and that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to take what others think about me and make it my own. I have learned to understand that not everyone will like me and not everyone is nice and caring. I've seen some people run so fast out of my life for their own insecurity reasons and I've seen some of the most amazing people running to me with open arms. Life gets tough and sometimes people can handle it and sometimes they can't. It's a personal decision to put your own self aside to be there for someone else. It's not easy to watch some one suffering and fighting for their lives! This disease has touched my life in ways only the fear of dying could ever touch! I have had to have those sit down moments that decisions had to be made just in case. The reality of what this disease really brings to your life isn't something I could even begin to describe! It's that knife through the heart moments in those conversations that had to be had and those choices that have had to be made just in case. For me I've taken care of myself pretty much all my life. I've been a very strong and determined single woman. I have worked for every single thing I have and I have taken great pride in that. I won't let the end of my life be without me having the final say so in my arrangements, decisions for my little girl, those are some of the hardest parts.... I found about being sick but I honestly didn't want to leave anything for my family to have to decide. I have even half way written my own eulogy I wanted to leave this earth having my final say so to the people I love. I know that some people see that as a negative thing that I planned those things out but it's no way an indication that I have given up its being prepared. We should all be prepared. One day it's all of our final days and if you know when yours will be than you must be pretty darn smart.
Opening my life and heart up to the world with my disease hasn't always been easy and to be honest it's been heartbreaking to share some of the news. The disappointments and fears of my own personal insecurities have been shared with my readers because you can be the strongest person and still have fears and be afraid. It's okay to be afraid. It doesn't mean your weak because you fear something what makes you weak is if you don't keep trying your best to overcome whatever obstacle you are personally facing.
Today, I met with Dr Carter, my oncologist, we have had a very good relationship throughout this last year together as doctor and patient! He's very open to listening to my thoughts and concerns. When I have talked with him about not feeling well enough to do the chemo treatments he's always been open to agree and understand me. He's a good man and he really had a compassion for his patients as well. Out of all the oncologist I had seen he was my best choice for managing my treatments I could have found. Dr Chamsuddin referred me to him and that was another wise choice. Today we talked about a chemo regimen change. He didn't like the idea, mainly because my body has responded so well to the gemzar and all the medical procedures I have had. He thought that staying with the gemzar at this point was my best option. He said there are so big gun's chemo that he could use but there was no sense in those while I am not needing them. He said as long as the tumor market is down and I've done so well with all the other stuff we will leave it alone. He said there may come a time that we have to pull out the hardcore chemo maybe 2 or 3 years down the road but for now I'm doing excellent and to keep up the good work. I wish chemo was over. I wish this while nightmare would end but I just have to get going strong and giving this mess my all! I may deal with this the rest of my life my hopes are that I won't but my fear of it spreading or dying is bigger than my fear of doing the chemo so I stick to the plan. The plan is working.
I have some great news. It's summer my little Evan is out of school for the summer and unlike last year we joined the neighborhood pool and I've been able to get my work done early in the day so that I can get out and enjoy the warm weather and spend some real quality time with her. Last summer was horrible I was not able to do anything. I promised her last year that I wasn't always going to feel this way and next summer would be better, and it's worked out just like I said it would.
I may not be able to do all the things so many other mothers can do right now but I love her and I am giving my all to every aspect of my life. One day she will be able to read these blogs and understand so much more about me than she ever would have otherwise!!
I am scheduled for the all so dreaded next pet scan ...Thursday May 28th. I am praying for great news. Praying that the last Y90 was able to get those new 5 tumors that showed up and that there is no new tumors there. It's going to be what it's going to be. I pray for great news. I asked the oncologist office to order my Cancer marker today. I have not had one since mid April because I didn't want any new news before going on my Mexico trip. Tomorrow. will be when I find out about where the marker is. I hope it's down, that will give me some indication of what to expect with the pet scan. The Cancer marker has been a great indication of my Cancer. It went up only when the new tumors showed up so if it's way down from the last one at 180 I'll be very excited. They say not to count much on the tumor marker but thus far mine has been spot on!!!
I have high hopes... I feel great and look even better. My attitude is good and my will to live gets stronger with every day I fight this monster inside of me! I have had a lot several people reach out to me this past week with someone they know being dx with cancer. It's always heartbreaking to hear of someone new being told the worse news of their lives! You don't know or understand what Cancer really means until it happens to someone you love! I make one recommendation to every single person and that's to set up a consultation Dr Chamsuddin that's really the only advice I offer because without him I would not be here today and if I could give anyone the most precious gift it would be to have him as their own doctor. I sing his praises and I am sure I drive people nuts but there isn't a person that will ever read my blog, meet me, or even know me that won't hear about this man and all he's done for men when someone gives you your life back why wouldn't you want that doctor on your side. I give praise where praise is due. He was the only doctor willing to take a chance on me he took me under his care and has given me all of himself as a doctor he had/has to give. I know I'm needy. I know that I can be a royal pain with all my questions. He answers the ones he wants and tells me he's ignoring the ones he doesn't want to answer because it's never always cut and dry as to what he's going to do until he gets in there and starts doing his thing. Some things I don't need nor want to know and he leaves it at that!
Next week will lead us to what if any direction we will be heading in next. I am anxious to know and ready to see where else this road may lead me next. Regardless of what may happen I'm in the best hands possible and prepared for whatever may happen. I'm thankful for such a great doctor to have on my side. He's a great doctor and more than that he's a great man. Some doctors have no bedside manor... they get so use to be a doctor and refuse to see past their profession to find it within them for compassion for their patients. I'm glad that Dr Chamsuddin... is a very compassionate man. He tries to hold back but he doesn't fool me. I see right through him and that's what makes him so great to me!
Don't cry for me... Pray for me. Please continue to pray for my recovery and know that I truly believe God answers prayers. I'm still here and alive and every day I wake up he's answering mine!
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