Blog#69 New Year Resolutions

I skipped chemo this week!  I was scheduled for it on Christmas Eve. I did go and have my  blood work done, as that is a weekly event regardless of chemo. I  had to sit back in the infusion area until a nurse came by and talked with me about my results. As I sat there I looked and every single chair was full, I teased one of my friends there that I couldn't do it, because I had no place to sit and get my treatments. She said I should tell the doctor that, and I would have if I had seen him.

 I felt guilty looking at all the people sitting there getting their treatments and being the Christmas Eve heroes, that I just didn't want to be. Stupid how something like other people doing what you are suppose to be doing can make you feel guilty! I know I should not feel guilty about anything, I have done my fair share of those treatments almost 7 months now. 7 months of chemo. Yuck! It's doing what it's suppose to be doing and that is making sure this cancer doesn't spread... for that I am lucky and plan to spend my New Year's Eve doing it myself. Not that I want to but I have to .... 

Another Christmas has come and gone. The anticipation of Christmas morning and the hard work it takes to make the magic happen.. comes in and out  the same day... and then  it's over ... I spend 30 days getting ready for 1 day. Sad but true. I am ready to get my house back in order. Take some toys to Goodwill for the ole...out with the old and in with the new. Evan has so many toys, I could get rid of half of them and I don't even think she would notice. Since she is at her dad's for the weekend, I just might do that. Shhh.. Don't tell her. Loving the shirt below my sweet friend Linda had made for me... I wrote that on a comment and said I should have a shirt that says that, and now I do.. Thoughtful! I love it.....

I'm feeling good. My blood work was a little alarming last week (due to the chemo) but all my numbers are back up and as the nurse put it... It looks beautiful. It's strange to live by my blood work and to see it low and knowing that the poison I am required to put in my body is getting rid of bad cells and yet it's also killing the good cells too. There should be a way to kill only the bad cells and not the good one's but I don't know that will ever happen in my life time! I believe someone is going to find a simple pill one day that will cure every form of cancer and not so many people will lose their lives to this horrible disease. The key is finding a vaccine that they can keep anyone from ever getting the disease in the first place. I need to be a scientist now. To late for me but not to late for someone in the world. I often wonder how many billions and billions of dollars has been spent on finding the unknown cure already? What if the answer is so simple that it's become to complicated for someone to figure out the cure... That could happen. It's often right before our very eyes to answer whatever questions we might have. Sometimes... we over think something so much that we can't ever find the solution. 

I am ready for the new year. 2014 has been the year from and of  hell. The year of fighting and putting life on hold to beat this monster. I am ready to live again. I am ready to get back into the office full time. I am ready to be me again, the new and improved me, but me non the less. I have decided to start back at the gym at the beginning of the year. I think exercise will be good for me, not over doing it but enough to tone up my body and get me feeling healthier. I have not felt like going to the gym over the last several years, especially the last 11 months but now that I am feeling better, I have more energy, and I feel the need to help make the best me, that I can make. I owe that to myself, every one owes it to themselves to be healthy. I see a lot of very overweight people in the world and they are doing their bodies an injustice. Being overweight causes a lot of complications in life, maybe not in the moment but most certainly in the future.There are some people that just refuse to do anything and there are others that are just afraid and don't know where to start to get better, you start at the beginning, you take it one day at a time and do the best you can, you are doing it for not only yourself but for the ones that love you too. 

I've been thinking of my new year resolutions.. What I want for my life, for the rest of my life. It's simple I want to be in remission, I've been working on that goal for a while and hate that I carry it on into the new year, but hey, from 80% to 1% of the cancer in my liver I can't complain about a thing. I want my year to be more about happiness that about cancer. I want to get through these last few chemo treatments & the last procedure and start my year off the best I can..... So here's what I have come up with:

1. Get back into the gym slowly 

2. Come back to work full time

3. Spend more quality time with Evan & Landon and take them on a special trip

4. Let go of the past and see more of my future

5. Write and publish the book Evan and I are working on together

6. Remission

7. Stop chemo

8. Cook more at home

9. Show the world the new and improved person I have become

10.Help others facing the same things I have faced in and with this disease.

A lot of people would rather linger in the background and not get noticed. That's fine but everyone's lives has a story to tell and some people are more vocal than others. I remember at the beginning when I started this blog my brother asked me not to write it. I think he thought it would hurt me, he didn't want anyone having the ability to hurt my feelings with me being so raw and open with this whole thing. I know him nor my sister have ever read a single one that I have written, they live the disease with me day in and day out. One day my sweet Evan will have the chance to understand what all her mama has gone through. One day when I am old and grey I may just print them all out and hand them over to her. I believe she is going to love to write like I do. She is creative because I have always taught her how to be, even with our made up bedtime stories of whatever, she enjoys the make believe of it all. She get's it and I love that. That's why I want us to write the book together. I want to show the world in her words and in her drawings how a 6 year old sees cancer.  It's something we are doing together. Something that will forever be as precious to me many years to come, as the day we finish the book! 

I hope the changes in the new year will bring a lot more smiles than tears. I have cried a river in 2014 and I just don't believe I have any more tears to cry. Life is hard sometimes but it's also very rewarding! We all most go through the tough times in life sometimes to get to the blessing we never expected! I am good with that. 

I pray for all the people I know facing cancer in their lives. I pray that they find the same answers to their disease as I have! I hope each and every one of them knows they're the heroes I see every day as I follow their journey's! I think to myself sometimes if so and so can keep doing this so can I ... I do find inspiration in other people as I hope that find in me. Nothing is easy but it's a lot easier facing your troubles with people cheering you on all the way to the finish line. I am almost there. I am so close and I know that without a shadow of a doubt I will be free from this monster and I will be a whole lot better person from the experience. Thank you all for reading and following along this winding road of recovery with me. I could not make it without the all the love and support I am shown...