Blog #66.... The Wait Continue's

December 21,2014......

I made up my very own Christmas carol last night and thought I would share it on my blog:

All I want for Christmas is my Pet Scan clear
My Pet Scan Clear .....My Pet Scan clear
All I want for Christmas is my Pet Scan clear 
So I can tell all those negative oncologist to kiss my rear!!!

I am waiting on my Pet Scan results. Dr. Chamsuddin is back at the hospital tomorrow and even though I went above and beyond to try and get my results early to no avail or fault of my own it just didn't happen. I realized  when nothing went my way with getting the results right away...that I can not control other people. My whole life I have been one of those people that goes the extra mile to make things easier for people to do what I want and need them to do and sometimes it just doesn't work out the way I am hoping and expecting. 

I was at a Christmas party last night and I was sitting with several people that knew me in what feels like another lifetime. The aggressive, overbearing,  and easily angered person I once use to be. I thought that I could control the whole world. I have always been a person with a mission. I set my mind to something and there is nothing in the world going to stop me from getting what I want and need. It's not that I have become a weak person... I think I am stronger and smarter because I don't have the expectation I once had of myself and especially that I had of other people. It makes life simpler and happier not having the desire or the need to control the world I live in. Of course..... I still want things to go my way, who doesn't? I think through my life of fighting and working hard at things my whole life  that I have had the ability to fight this battle harder and stronger than I would have  if I had been born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I was raised to take care of myself. To start something and to see it all the way through. To never be a quitter and never give up on my dreams. I am not in this fight alone. I have not done the hard work to beat this monster inside me other than to have the strength to continue to get up, get out of bed, and keep the faith that I can overcome this. I hear about other people that are fighting this battle that will not get up and get out of bed, they are not allowing themselves to live the life that they have in this moment to live, and it breaks my heart. It isn't about the illness and what could be... it's about what is in this moment. What you make of life is what you will get out of it. If you sit around feeling sorry for yourself and worried that you might not have tomorrow, then you are probably right... You just might not have tomorrow. I live everyday the BEST I can. Some days are a whole lot better than others but every day regardless of how I am feeling I try my best to be grateful to be alive and happy. 

I've had a great weekend. It started Friday at my friends Ashley and Aaron's Christmas Open House. The food was amazing, the company was great, and it was a great way to start the week of Christmas off with the holiday spirit. The Salem High School chorus came and sang some amazing Christmas carol's and it made the night even more special.

I didn't get to stay long because I had a sick little girl at home waiting in my bed for me to get home to cuddle her. I could have easily and understandably had an excuse not to go to the party but I would not have missed it for the world. My friend Ashley is amazing. I actually sent out a letter to my closest friends this week and within the letter I explained how Ashley called in a favor to a doctor friend of hers, that referred me to the first Oncologist that I saw, that in turn referred me to Dr. Chamsudddin. Ashley had a hand in helping to save my life (which she wants no credit for and says it is all me and my strength to keep doing all these procedures and my desire to live that saved me) The doctor that she called the favor into was actually at her party and I made it a point to go and introduce myself and to thank him, even tho I didn't stick with the Oncologist he referred me to that getting to Dr. Chamsuddin he also had a hand in helping to save my life. I don't know if he thought I was some fruit cake but I had to express my gratitude, as he probably didn't even remember referring me to anyone. 

Yesterday, Evan (my 6 year old daughter) and I had a great day Christmas shopping. The only problem with taking her to buy for other people is I bought her more than I bought them. She is rotten but it's Christmas and she sure deserves a whole lot more than even I can afford for all she has done and been for me this year. We met up with friends and enjoyed the day of shopping and eating lunch together. Then I had some special friends that came by to bring Evan her Christmas present. They watched us wrapping presents and poor William was always having to look on the floor for all the things I was losing as I moved from place to place wrapping presents. We laughed and just enjoyed one another's company. 

After my friends left I got ready for a Christmas party I was invited to. I am the company's Insurance Agent but above that I am their friend. I got to see some great people and share in the holiday season with people that have been so supportive and encouraging to me. Before dinner was served, Mark got up to say the blessing and expressed in his prayer how thankful he was I was there and alive to enjoy in their Christmas party, I almost started to cry ... It was very heart touching moment. When I got home from the party I checked my facebook account and I had a private message from a friend that I never converse with, it said "Your strength gives me strength. Nothing but prayers and positive vibes to you and yours. Merry Christmas!!!!!" This made my day it really did!~

Yesterday.... was one of those days that I got more compliments about how amazing I look than I have heard in almost a year. I feel so good. I am gaining weight and filling back into my body. I told someone last night "I am no longer this chemo skeleton" It feels so good too. 

Tonight, is our annual Ornament White Elephant party at my sisters house. I look forward to this party every year. It's fun and it's a great time to spend just laughing, eating, and sharing a simple thing as a $5 ornament with the people I love. The kids love it just as much as the adults. Life isn't about how much money you spend on a gift or can give to someone ... It's the things that come from the heart that mean the most. I wish more people could see and understand this. 

I guess tomorrow will be the big day I get my results. I am not a bit nervous as I was before doing the test. I just know I can not control the outcome of  it and when you let go of trying to control every thing it makes it easier to accept the outcome of anything. If it's back to the  table for more work on getting this monster completely gone then off I go. If it's clear than Christmas came a few days early! 

Sharing my life through this blog gives me more hope and strength. I feel as if I am doing something for the good of myself and of others. Pray that tomorrow is the day of WONDERFUL news and know that whatever the outcome I can handle the news and I will be as strong and determined as ever before.