2015 = Remission
It's been a tough year, I would say the the worse year of my life ....But, how can I say it's been that bad when I not only found out I was sick, but I am almost in remission of a disease that could have taken my life? Maybe... it's the best year of my life. Not the way I wanted to spend 2014... but look at all the things I have learned... all these tough lessons, and all these victories I have had after each and every procedure. It would be easy to look at this year as a horrible year if I wasn't so grateful it turned out so marvelous in the end. Our greatest blessings sometimes come from the hardest things we could ever experience in life. The day I was told I had cancer, I thought I was close to death. I was close to death and yet I chose to fight! I chose to fight for my life and to see where it took me ... I was given no promises, I was told "It's your only HOPE" In that moment I knew what I had to do. I had no idea what or where that journey was to take me . I just knew that I was given HOPE and that is more than I had heard from any other person. I knew that "Going for a cure" was a whole lot better than just accepting what I was told my future would be, and that was death. No thank you!
I feel better than I have felt in years. It's amazing what no procedures and no chemo can do for the body in two weeks. It's funny an old friend sent me a message yesterday on FB and asked "when are you going to be well, I am taking you on a date?" It made my day.... on so many levels. As I have traveled this disease I felt as if I was losing myself. I was this skinny woman that really no longer felt like a woman. More like a cancer patient that lost her hair and lost so much weight that I no longer had a figure, I had become that stick person you start out drawing as a child. I was reminded of this by several people to, and it hurt. I didn't mean to be that person! I didn't want to be that person and yet, I was and it felt like there was not a damn thing I could do about it.
Now, I am feeling like a million bucks. I can tell how good I am looking by the reaction of men, that may sound stupid to some of you but men noticing you isn't all that important until no one even thinks about taking a second look at you because you look so bad. I feel honored and happy to have men notice me again and it just means in my mind how much better I am and how good I am looking again.
It's not just the cancer in your body you face in this disease, it's so many other things. It's almost as hurtful mentally as it has been physically. And that is the truth. The mental aspect of the cancer could easily consume you if you allow it! I see people that the disease seems to take over their whole life.... I knew from the beginning I would not allow that to happen not just for myself but for my family. I was alive even at times when I wasn't sure I was going to make it through ... The pain was so painful, the chemo treatments kicking my ass, and the procedures one after another after another and after another. There were times that I just didn't know that I could keep going, begging my brother to not make me do this or that procedure at that time, he pushed me along, he made me find the strength within to keep going. Poor guy, the pressure he had of helping me to get well and get through it all was something no brother, or anyone else for that matter should ever have to do. I needed him more than I have needed him all the days of my life and without a shadow of a doubt he was there. I am sure there were days and nights he didn't want to be but he was there. How do you ever repay someone for helping to save your life?
I haven't gone through this alone. I have been surrounded by some very loving, caring, and supportive friends. Friends that I have called day and night in tears begging them to tell me I was going to make it through this. Asking them to make a promise to me that they couldn't fulfill as it was all me, Dr. Chamsuddin, and God that got me through to the next procedure. How amazing.. to have 2 people there doing all there was to do to save my life? I am a lucky woman.
I had more fear than I ever told another living soul. I would lay in my bed every single night before the next procedure scheduled for the next morning, and I would cry my eyes out every single time. I know my pillow has seen more tears than I care admit. It was my way of getting myself through to the next step. My way of making it work and doing what I had to do to get me where I am today. I hate crying but it always made me feel better in the long run and kept me from crying when I was taken into a room where I knew that I was going to be put to sleep and who knows what could happen. I remember the last procedure, Dr. Chamsuddin said that I might end up with a tube in my side, that didn't scare me as bad, as he said that if that happened I would be in ICU, I remember looking into my brothers eyes with huge tears in my eyes and looking into his eyes and seeing the pain I knew in that moment that he felt for me.... That's truly... love! I am loved, I don't think I have ever felt as loved as I have through all of this. I know what love is ... Why did it take 46 years for me to feel this? It's the way life goes these terrible things that happens that turns every thing you think you know completely around!
I wish I could be this person that could spread nothing but hope and encouragement into the world, as my full time job..... That I could just be an advocate for this cancer, that I could spread the word of hope with my story and help to guide other people in getting themselves into remission of a disease that takes most of the lives that it touches. I would recommend every thing that I have done. I would say it's not as bad in the long run as it feels in the midst of the storm. It's not easy... but it's well worth every second of pain and insecurity... to be where I am with 1% of my cancer left!
When I look back on this it seems like a blur, seems to have been a lifetime ago when I started but actually it's been almost 11 months. 11 months of your life is a lot longer than it seems sometimes, and then in actuality it's barely any time at all really when you think about it! 11 months and I pray within the 12th month I am done. I am free of chemo and procedures and worrying day and night. I pray that I can go through this and get to that 5 year mark they say "Cancer Free" I will be one of those people that will never been cancer free because in my mind it has changed me in ways that only this cancer could have taken me to the places in my heart and soul to change me forever.
I find... I laugh so much more these days. I find the joy of the simple things. Yesterday, I went to the movies with a couple of friends and one of my friend's made the lady beside her mad because she pulled out her cell phone during the movie and the woman started screaming at my friend "You are breaking the law, you are breaking the law" interrupting the entire theater, I laughed and told my friend "It's not against the law" the ladies husband screamed at me "Shut up" I told him to "shut up". The lady went to get the manager, and she apparently acted so hateful and rude that her and her husband were asked to leave. I told my friend we were more drama than the movie and we should have gone around and gotten paid for the entertainment. LOL .... As stupid as this sounds and maybe my friend was wrong pulling out her phone it was entertainment and I laughed all night about how silly and stupid that incident was, it felt good to laugh... it felt good to feel good enough to get out and enjoy a movie even if we created some drama! The lady and my friend were arguing to the manager (I didn't hear it because I stayed in my seat) the lady told my friend she didn't give a damn about her and what her needs might have been. I couldn't help but laugh. The lady was bitter and angry ... Some things just aren't worth it. You don't want other people to interrupt you in a movie, wait for it to come out on DVD .... or Redbox next time. People are always shaking the popcorn bag or rattling candy wrappers ... People are always making noise! Another funny story, my sleeping habits have changed lately and I am up at 3 or 4 in the morning these days, a lot of times I go to Waffle House for breakfast, and I am getting to know the earlier crew working there. The cook said "Can I ask you a personal question?" I said "of course" He asked "You said you lost your hair so you are wearing a wig right?" I replied "You are right, it's a wig" He replied "Does the headband hold the wig on for you?" I laughed so hard I replied "No, I just like them" Goes to show the things that people really don't know about what they don't know about. I thought it was cute!
I hope that the new year brings each and every one of you as much joy as I plan 2015 to bring into my life.
Don't cry for me...Pray for me because I am almost free of this disease... and for that I am the most blessed woman I know!
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