I'm so close to being a woman in remission. I'm so close....... that I can almost taste the sweet taste of victory. I am not sure how "victory" taste... but for me, I can only imagine it to be the best tasting thing I have ever put into my mouth...
I am close but... not there yet. It's okay, I prepared myself and really every one that follows me that this might be the case. I have 4 tiny tiny tiny spots left on the liver and one a little bigger left from the chemoemoboliztion we did several weeks ago, half is gone and half is still hanging in there .. I see the face of this monster and at the moment.... I feel it's in there sticking out it's tongue and saying "I still got you" and that's fine because mid Jan... when go back in there, all of this crap is going to be gone, and we will be the one's saying "we got you" The tumor on the lung I had is gone ... That's good news.
To go from 80% of my liver covered in tumors to 1% left ... I am happy with that. We can not leave what's left we have to get it all. I am not chancing anything. As long as there is a tiny speck of cancer still lighting up then that means it's still there. I have come to cross the finish line. I am running this race of killing this cancer and I don't have to be in first place as long as I just finish the race and the cancer is gone. I am an inpatient person, I have been that way my whole life. I want things done yesterday and this isn't something I can be inpatient about because I can not control any of it. This cancer is the one thing on this earth that I can not control I have to go along with the plan, I have to keep fighting the fight to beat this monster on the only terms I am given! I just have to keep on putting on the gloves and fight fight fight~!
It's been a good day. A day that when I woke this morning I had no idea what news I would get. I wasn't as worried about the tumors that were already there as much as I worry about the cancer spreading somewhere else and lighting up on the Pet Scan. I hate that fear and yet... I don't know why I worry about that so much as no new tumors have appeared since I have started this journey. Nothing has spread!
It's a crazy journey ....this journey has taught me so much about myself. It has put a spin on life that I never expected. It has taken me to places in my heart and mind I never want to go again. I have had many nights that I have had to sit back and think about how things would go if I didn't make it.. What to do about my child, and what I needed to say and to who I needed to say things to...I am not in that place anymore.I am not where this cancer has a chance to kill me anymore not like it did 10 months ago. To go from the brink and edge of death to being almost in remission is absolutely amazing. I sometimes can not even wrap my mind around it at all. My desire to live has been my inspiration. I didn't want to lose my life. I have prayed and begged God many days and nights and I hope that over the years with all the things I have done to help other people I paid it forward to save myself when I have needed it the most.
The battle isn't just about the cancer, it's about having the desire to continue living your life and not allowing it to control every aspect of your life. It's hard when "cancer" is in your life every day and I do understand getting down, I get down and upset but I am good about not allowing a big ole pity party. Who wants to feel bad mental and emotionally when you are feeling bad physically? It's the desire to live. The desire to keep going on. As long as their is a breath inside my body I will be living life. I will never give up.
I have to say I am feeling great these days. I feel healthy and feel as if I look healthier than I have in months and months really maybe even years. I am getting back to being me. I noticed a few men checking me out today when I was out and about, and it made me feel good. I haven't felt like a woman in a long time . I felt like this skeleton cancer patient, that was skin and bones walking around fighting for my life. Now ....I feel sexy again, my butt and boobs are filling in and that makes me so happy! I haven't been me in so long and now being me again make such a difference in what I see in the mirror. You probably can't understand this unless you have been through it. It's tough. It mentally hurt me often when I would look in the mirror and see this person I didn't know anymore. This woman with no hair, and then short hair started living my life. This woman was me but not the me I hope I don't have to get to know anymore. I am just happy. It's my Christmas gift to be sexy again. I am a little vain and that's okay.... I think I have earned the right to be.
No chemo on Wednesday, it's the week of Christmas, we agreed I would go back next week so I can enjoy the holiday. Woo Hoo!
Happy Birthday to my sister.... Lori Hollifield today. She is my best friend. She is the one person that isn't afraid to call me out on things when she thinks I am getting off track. She will put me in my place quickly. She makes me laugh and I am blessed to have her in my life.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you.
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