Blog #36... My heartfelt thoughts of life.....

My whole life I have been a warrior, not often by choice but necessity~ . I have fought for my life on so many levels, and never ceased in my desire to accomplish whatever it is that I have set my mind too. 

I had 2 daughter with 2 men that didn't feel that they  should or needed to have the financial burden to raise their children," Christy can do it". I have been left holding the bag of so many people all of my life. Cleaning up their messes, making excuses, and sweeping my own hearts desire under the rug... because in life... I created an obligation to my children and I would not falter from my responsibility ever.

 I have gone without. I have had it all. I have been to the top and I have fallen flat on my ass and scraped my way back up the ladder, with very few people there to make sure I didn't completely fall and lose it all. My family should have  never had to  be responsible for my decisions in life and yet... as I fight for my life, my family... will be the ones standing here united beside me to make sure that my last wishes on this earth are met. It breaks my heart and in the same sense, gives me comfort.  I have been making arrangements for the things in my life that will not leave this earth when I go. As hard and sad as it sounds, I have to prepare, my heart and soul is not prepared but a piece of paper will be what is left of my decisions of what is to happen if I shall not make it.  Who wants to lay their life out on a piece of paper, to say who the little child you love and cherish so much will be raised by when you are no longer here? How can life be so hurtful that something like this can happen? How can I have been the bigger better person and let everyone else skate away from responsibility and I be here sick, still holding the bag of what to do when there is nothing else left to do with my life?

This disease makes me angry, Makes me want to say all the things to all the people that I have been holding back on for so long. To tell them exactly what I thought of them back then and what I think of them now. I am bitter. I am the one that has always tried to do the right thing and then here I am left with this death sentence after all of the good things I have tried to do..Why? I am not perfect I have made some terrible mistakes in my life, but I have punished myself more than anyone else could have ever punished me for them. 

How can people run from the responsibility of life and yet stand in the background always holding out their hand, and someone dropping them some crumbs so they survive and never pay the price for their selfishness? 

Every day is a fight for my life. Every day I am the one accountable for not only myself.. but, my child's well being and needs. I would not have it any other way, but I know that through this, I am still standing, I am still fighting, and I am still the one giving my complete all to the obligations in my life when I am running out of energy to keep giving this life of mine all I had to give before I was sick. I don't have time to be sick. I don't have time to rest and get well,  I have created a life of obligation and necessity to provide and I don't see anyone riding up on their white horse sweeping me off my feet and holding me and saying "Christy, let me take care of this all now" Damn don't I deserve that fairy tale at least for a day?

I want to be  selfish, now. As I laid in bed trying to recover from the Y-90 treatment, I had last Thursday (6 days ago)  I laid there yesterday thinking about the days I am wasting trying to get better. The days that I didn't even see the sun shine. The days that I have not been able to hold, hug, and kiss my little girl because of the radiation in my body. I have no idea how long on this earth I have. This treatment may be what will extend my life for 10 -30 years. I may be here and outlive everyone else reading this blog today, no one knows, and I thought how can I waste a day of the time I may or may not have left on earth. I want to rejoice in the life that I have. I hold my head high, very high, I have been criticized by many people for tooting my own horn, and when I reflect on the people that have done the criticizing of my life, I see where they had not accomplished anything remotely to what I have.

 To be a strong independent woman has been a curse to me from other women, especially. These are women  that I have known in my life, because through all my trials and tribulations I have achieved things on my own, I have stood up to the world single handily and done what most of those  women could not even imagine doing on their own. I am no,  Joan of Arc, but what I am is a single mother that has taken on the world with no sense of security, help, obligation, or consideration from the other person that created a life with me, and I have done amazing things standing there alone with a child on my hip. I should toot my own horn, I should be as we all should be recognized for the accomplishments that I beat against all odds to be the person I have been and will always be on this earth! Christy Hicks is a warrior, I may get down, I may cry, and I may want to walk away from it all, but in the end I fight harder the tougher the battle becomes. I use to let people hurt me so deep, I use to sincerely care what they thought of me, and I could have been anyone on earth and they would have felt the same way about me. Not every one likes me. Not every one agrees with me. Not every one is going to stand beside me on what me my final journey through life, but I can say one thing I have an amazing family, my closest friends have shined brighter in my heart through these difficult times, and no matter what time of day I got out of surgery there were the people standing there waiting on me to show their love and support!  I am grateful. 

Don't cry for me. Pray for me. 

Blog #35... Fighting for my life....

This is going to be a big week in my fight against cancer. I am having the Y-90 treatment this coming Thursday morning at 9:00 AM. I am nervous but I am more hopeful than anything else. I wish I had a crystal ball to see what my future holds, it would make this whole journey a lot easier. It would give me the insight of what I should and shouldn't try in this journey. Unfortunately, there is not crystal ball, beside my mind. doctors, treatments,  and the prayers from all of you that have helped  in getting me through this experience.

 I have all the faith in my doctor. He is an incredible man, and regardless of which direction I went in this journey searching for a cure, he was there for me to talk to and to guide me in my journey. When we decided a few weeks ago to do the Y-90 treatment and I made the commitment to the procedure, he asked me "Why did you wait so long, Christy? We should have done this a long time ago!" I agreed with him. But honestly ....I was afraid, I wanted to search all avenues and as I went along this journey each doctor told me something different. Several did not believe in the chance that I am taking with this procedure. Their only choice for me was chemo and maybe extend my life, a year. This option has a chance at much more time, maybe it will heal me, or maybe it will just extend my life by several years, for me both of those choices are better than the choices the other doctors have given to me.

I hope this works. But, I have made the commitment to do whatever I can to give myself  more time and if I were to die trying than I know and every one else will know, I gave this the best shot I had. I tried everything and I didn't take the easy road (as I never do) I went out fighting this disease the hardest and best that I can. I have made all my treatment choices on my own. I never want anyone to say I wish I would have told her this or that. There is no reason for a soul to ever think about it that way because I have chosen the paths I have taken and I am okay with them. I want to live but if I do die... I know one thing. I am a fighter more than I ever knew I could be. I have stood up to this disease and faced it for all that it is... as much as I hate it. I have had fear in my heart and pain that could never be described at times.. But for the most part I have fought and had my families hands to hold through this journey and all of you that have followed my journey and cheered me on all the way through. I feel so blessed. God knows I could not have made it without all the love and support I have received. I hope that my testimony will never be about the hard working woman that fought for her life. I hope my testimony will be that I gave this disease my best shot, taught some people about love and happiness along the way, and brought together people that may have never met for the common good of another person in need of love and compassion. 

I don't have a crystal ball... but ,what I do have is faith, love, hope, and inspiration to come out of this on the other side and be the best person I can be and to show the world that you have to fight for your life sometimes, take chances, and believe in people that have given you their all to make you better. Miracles happen every day. I just want my miracle to be to live as long as I can live and to feel as loved and cared for as I do in these times of my life that I have needed it the most. 

I think that everyone deserves peace in their lives and in times like this it's hard to find those peaceful days, I am just living in the all the peaceful moments I can find. 

Thursday... is a HUGE day for me and my family and I ask each and every one of you to be praying for all of us at 9:00 that morning and to know that I am grateful for all that each of you have given to me in your own special ways. Your generosity, compassion, donations, cards, sweet comments, and prayers are more than I could have ever asked or hoped for! 

Life is a journey none of us know when our personal journey will end, I just know that if you believe in miracles than anything is possible. 

I wanted to share my family photo's we had done with all of you. These people are my rocks. My heart. My soul. My reason to believe!

My doctor says I will be down and out for a couple of weeks after the procedure I hope that I bounce right back the next day, but if I don't post for a little while just keep praying harder and harder for me. I don't want to be tired and sick, and unfortunately I have to get tired and sicker to get better. As senseless as that sounds, I am doing what I can to beat this monster so please keep us in all in your thoughts and prayers. 

Don't cry for me....Pray for me! 

Blog #34 GO! Fight! Win! Exploring every chance I have.....

This has been a very  long 3 and a half months.  It doesn't seem like just a little over 3 months  it truly feels like 3 years that I have been going through this. I have ran from point A to  B, C,D,E.F looking for the answers for a cure . My oncologist is mad at me. Mad.... because I want to take every single opportunity I can to try and save myself. As a patient isn't that my choice? I feel like I should be a robot sometimes and do what I am told to do, even though I am told it will not save my life. That is not me. I am a fighter and I will not allow someone with a medical degree that can not see into his crystal ball and tell me what is going to happen if I do what he wants me to do. I already know. I feel so good, I am full of life and to take away a second of that from me I am not willing to do it! 

Maybe.. I am in denial like my oncologist told me last week, I can tell you when I am searching for new ways to fight this and I am all  pumped up about it,  I am not crying and fearing for my life. I have to say sometimes fantasy and denial is a whole lot better than reality. He has not real idea of my reality and he can not pretend to know. He looks at a medical book and uses the protocol standard treatment, think outside of the box, give hope where you feel there may be a hopeless situation I am hoping I am a candidate for the Y90 treatment today, I want to do the treatment, I have to take every avenue I can to survive this disease. And I am willing to roll the dice to see if there is hope of healing me, so much that I am willing to risk the rest of my life in hopes that I can survive. 

I have no idea what the future holds, I have no idea where this cancer will lead me, no cancer patient can ever be certain of their outcome but I have known more people to survive that have been told there is no hope, and I hope to be one of those people. I am not as strong as I wish that I could be, I just get up every day and talk myself out of being sad and mad and work on new ways of trying to heal myself and to give everything to myself right now in hopes that I can give so much more to others later, when I am well. 

This has been the worst 3 months of my life. There have been times I have wanted to give up. Just do nothing at all, not think about it, not try to fix it, just let it be what it is and do what it will do. But, that isn't the answer. The answer is out there I believe that. Today, I am getting test for the Y90 treatment to see if I can have this procedure done. It is where the radiologist puts radiation beads directly into my liver to kill the cancer cells. At this point all I can do is hope I am a candidate and hope that it will work for me!  I have faith. I am stepping out on limbs that I have no idea if they will break and I will fall, I just believe that if I have take a chance anything in this world is possible. I want to live. I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up, and I am doing every single thing within my power to make certain that will happen. There are times that I feel that I am going to die, but the problem with that is I feel so good, I look good, I just don't feel sick. Yesterday, my procedure got rescheduled because of the patient before me, but my nurse said "I think we have the wrong patient. You just do not look or act like a person with stage 4 liver cancer" I smiled. I told her I didn't feel like it either. 

I know that I am sick. Yet, when I give into this illness is when I die. I will fight every single day of my life I have left on this earth to beat this. I don't know what the future holds. I hope it holds many years of memories left to come... I know one thing I have today. I want today to be the first day of the rest of my life. I am tired of crying ... I am tired of my family and I hurting every day. We have to live as if this disease is not there every chance we can, and we have to be happy with the day we have and that's today. 

I am happy. I have my moments of sadness. I have moments of total despair, but all in all I am happy. I still have a life to live, I am still living, and I want to know that through this disease and the way that I have shared this journey that people can find their own hope. I don't believe every thing in the world is black and white. It really just isn't that way. If these doctor's knew every thing about cancer, they would have a cure. They don't know. They know what the text book says for them to do, and I believe that there is more out there to save a life, and to get rid of cancer. 

I have no idea  how, when, or even why I got this disease. It really doesn't matter, what matters is how I deal with it, how I attack it, and how I fight for my life. 

Please continue to pray for me. Please know that I believe there is hope I believe that I can overcome this, no matter the battle length or anything, I am suited up and ready to fight each and every single day as hard and long as I have to fight. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me... There are miracles every day, I could be one of those today! 

Blog #33 New Decisions to be made....

 

Happy Mother's Day! For me it's a very special day! A day 3 months ago I wasn't even sure that I would still be alive to share with my daughters. I have no idea if I will even make it to next year, but God I hope that  I have so many more Mother's Day's here on earth! 

This has been one of the worst 10 days of my life. Cancer has really shown it's ugly side in my life over the last 10 days. It started with a 6 week follow up with the Oncologist. He felt that my cancer was progressing, and as much as he tried to make me understand him, I was fighting the words he was saying. I didn't and still don't believe that it can take off in growth spell  over the last 6 weeks when I have been told I have had this disease for at least 6 years. 

We decided to do a CT Scan. I wanted to know the truth about how this cancer is progressing and yet... I feared the results for over a week. After my follow up visit on Thursday the week before last, I received a call from the doctor's office stating that I need to get to the infusion center within his office immediately, my calcium level was extremely high and could either cause a heartache or I could instantly for no reason break a bone. It was at a very dangerous level. It scared me to death. I had no idea why this was happening to me. I hate it, and I lost so much of my courage in those moments, I could have died and it would not really be from the cancer but from something that the cancer starts to create within the body. On the same day I got the infusion and my spirit was breaking apart, my brother found a clinical trial out of Tampa, Florida. I called enrolled myself and planned to travel the next Thursday to Tampa after meeting with my Oncologist and getting the news from the CT SCAN... I found a new sense of hope and bright light that was shining on me. I wanted this trial. They would inject the liver tumors with a medicine that had great success in killing the cancer cells. I begin to feel even better than I had before. I needed a letter from my doctors that said I had primary liver cancer. I got what I needed and the assistant to the trial asked me to send all of my prior scans and medical records for review.  I did and within 2 days I got the devastating news, I am not a candidate because I have so many lesions on my liver and they can only treat one tumor at a time over a 28 day period. I cried my eyes out, my whole family cried their eyes out too. We just knew this was going to be the treatment to save my life. 

I had no idea that the infusion was going to make me feel like I had the worse case of the flu, and that it would make my muscles and bones all hurt for several days. It hurt and made me so sad. The days rolled on and even though I was sad I didn't meet the qualifications of the trial I  still had the high calcium on my mind. I had my CT Scan this week, on Wednesday and my sister and I met with the doctor once again on Thursday. He walked into the room and said that the cancer was progressing,and the tumors were getting bigger.... I sat there, I had been doing everything I knew to do to get rid of this horrible disease by eating healthy taking all my supplements, and doing the IV's. I had been fighting so hard, and it was still growing. He handed me the report of the scan and as I looked at the tumor measurements I noticed they had not grown, the doctor said they had grown. I told him, they had not grown, he started to argue with me a little, I told him I knew the sizes of my tumors from the scan in  Feb, and if anything they had gotten a little smaller. The radiologist was suppose to compare the CD report from Feb to current which he had not done, which made me made because that was the purpose of the scan in the first place .  I went through a ton of trouble to get the disc again to take and they didn't even do their jobs on this.  The doctor asked me if I wanted him to go talk to the radiologist, I of course said "YES". After a few minutes he came back and said "She said, they have not gotten worse but they have not gotten any better, Christy"  To me that was much better news than if they were growing. 

The next thing was the discussion on my cancer marker.  A week and a half before my oncologist took  my blood my alternative doctor took it, and it was at 1943, the oncologist stated that it was now at 7243. This made no sense to me and I told him that. I have had this 6 years and the first time I was checked it was at 1450 and now you are saying in 3 months since I have been treated it is now at 7243, all the sudden this cancer is growing??? I told him I did not believe the test, I wanted him to redo it. He almost wanted to argue with me about that but to

 be honest I think he knows I am serious and regardless of the cost if insurance will not pay for it, I wanted it retested.

The marker number will be back tomorrow, Monday! Believe me I will be calling first thing in the morning to get the number again. I am confused on what to do. Doing the alternative medicine has held off the cancer from growing, I hope that is what it has done, but I wanted it to heal me. Next, almost every supplement that I am taking including the vitamin C injections have calcium in them. I have stopped all those treatments. I need some answers to why the calcium is so high, when I look online it says it is .000001% due to cancer. It has something to do with thyroid glands which means they can take out my thyroid and that will eliminate the high calcium... That's my Christy Hicks MD determination. 

I can not be fighting for my life and die from this high calcium factor with a heart attack. I am so lost right now. I am considering chemo and have a port insertion scheduled outpatient for Thursday and it is breaking my heart not knowing which direction to turn. At the end of the day, I want to live I want to do whatever I can to give me time, to give me my life, to give me another day with the ones that I love. I have been praying to God for the right answers. I told my oncologist last week I will make no commitment to the chemo until I get the results back from the cancer marker again. I don't want to wait to late.. to buy myself more  time to live, since that is all I have been told that the chemo will do. I have done other treatments besides the chemo because I have been told it gives me the best chance at survival.  I fear the unknown and my oncologist gives me the fear that I am getting closer to dying. I  wonder how they do their jobs. Apparently my doctor doesn't believe  in alternative treatments and that's his choice. Now that I could have died from the calcium I am now afraid myself.  I don't know what is the right direction for me, I feel wishy washy and yet I was so certain about the course I was taking and now my confidence is completely broken into.  

I still feel good. I am trying so hard to live day by day and be happy with the moments that I have! But, to be honest... I have so much on my mind and I just want to make the most educated, life long decisions that I can make for myself. I feel that the oncologist lied to me. He didn't think that they could be better and told me without the correct information that they were growing. I have lost faith in him and for a patient that is never good. I don't know if changing doctors is the right thing to do, I just feel more confused than the day I was originally diagnosed. 

I just want everything laid out in front of me in black and white just show me the facts and let me decided what I want to do. If only it were that easy. 

Please pray for me in my decision's I have to make this coming week. Pray that God will guide me in the right direction for my life and for the love of my family and friends.

I deserve to live. I deserve to see clearly what choices I have to make sure that happens. This week my Oncologist says he thinks I am in denial about this disease. I am not in denial I am HOPEFUL... I am fighting for my life, that doesn't make me in denial, it makes me a WARRIOR! 

I hope all of you mother's have a great Mothers's Day and that you see the beauty in every single day. Being a mama is one of the toughest things I have ever done. Being sick makes being a mama even harder because we are always the ones that make things better and as you see in my story I am not sure how to do that. I pray for the strength to make the right choices to give the best shot I have at making it for years to come. I want to live. I have so much to live for and in this moment I have no idea how to do it. Makes me almost paralyzed even though I can use my arms and legs I feel stuck in the same spot in my life. I want something to magically show me the yellow brick road, is it there? If so, please pray I find it! 

Blog #32 Hope, Prayers, Peace, and Understanding

So many times I have been told ....I should not put my story out into the world. Because, sometimes it hurts for me to write the things that I don't even want to admit to myself. I wish I could be in denial of this disease. I wish that I didn't know that it could take my life. I wish that there was a cure and some magic wand that I could wave and no longer have cancer. I have been told several times not to proclaim my disease by name, if I don't call it cancer, I could change to "son of a bitch", but that is not politically correct to speak such a thing as a woman, so ....I call a spade a spade and this happens to just be cancer. 

I've lived a life of working very hard, falling down and picking myself back up and starting over more than once. I hold no shame in my desire to provide a good life for my children, I can't take back the moments that I was needed more at home than at the office, but what I can do is to share with all of  you the importance of having quality time with your friends, family, and especially your children.  At the end of the day all that matters truly is the ones that you love. The memories that you make, and the things you do together. We never will look back on our final hour and think we should have worked harder, we will always think "We should have spent more time" I have that opportunity now in my life, and I plan to work from home this summer and to be with my Evan Raine and Landon every second I can, making memories, doing whatever it is that we want to do together. Money is important but now that I am sick I realize in the whole scheme of things it's one of the most least important things in our whole lives. 

I have been taking the time this week to write letters for each birthday for my little Evan. I am writing about how much I want to be here for her birthday, and hopefully I will be, if not she will have something special from her mom to open on every birthday . A little something special in with the card. It is simply one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. It hurts so deeply that I can't even tell you, but my hurt today will be some of the greatest blessings in her life for many years to come.  So many times people have the best intentions thinking I will get around to that, they never do and then it becomes to late and then there is nothing, I am determined to not allow that to happen. 

There are some things that have to be done. So many things that come along with preparing for the future, one  that you may never see, and preparing for that is really hard. I am in that place, and believe it or not, I am finding a peace in making sure that I have things taken care of. as crazy as that sounds. I want to be prepared, honestly, we all should be prepared in our own lives. Make the time. Take the time to do the things that could mean the world to others if something should happen in your own lives. 

A terminal illness is tough to absorb. I am fighting every way I can to fight this monster and I know in my heart that I am truly care for. The compassion and outpouring of love and support for me is simply AMAZING.  I sometimes get overwhelmed. I am sure that I have hurt someone's feelings along the way because I didn't call, text, or message back, and I do apologize but this journey is about Christy Hicks, I am fighting for my life, and I would never want to hurt anyone. I just know that there are times I have to step away in my mind and heart from this disease and find some way to be my old self. To find some peace within this situation that I am going through.  It's a tough battle. It's heartbreaking one moment and then the next I find comfort in knowing I am doing every single thing I can, to keep going.  I worry more about my family than I do myself. I want them to find peace,  I want to know that if I don't make it through this disease that they will all be okay! I pray every night that I don't suffer so they don't suffer. I am a giver and even fighting for my life, I care more about all of them as I do myself. I wish I could say that I am looking forward to going to heaven, as I know my mama will be standing there with open arms waiting on me, and that will be a glorious day to have her there to hold and comfort me, something I have missed so much over the last almost 17 years. But, I am not ready. I don't know that I will ever be ready, but God's plan and in God's time. 

When my mama passed away she went in her sleep, I honestly thought that was the worst thing ever. I didn't get to say goodbye I was not prepared. But now going through all of this, I realize she was lucky, no matter how much it hurt me, she was as were we, spared the heartache of these days of up's and downs and sorrow. 

 I am by far giving up, I just know that there are some people that say I am in denial of this disease, I certainly am not. There is no one with me when I cry myself to sleep most nights besides Chris and Evan. They comfort me to the extent that I know it hurts them both so deep but I need them and I need their love and comfort more than I have ever needed it from anyone at any time. I am tired of crying I just want to be happy, to smile and laugh more than I ever have. To make more memories every single day as many as I possibly can. 

Today, I go to the oncologist again to get my results from my CT Scan from yesterday, I left the office after the test yesterday and found myself more at peace than I have in a long long time, I have found myself prepared for whatever he has to say to me and taking it and making the next best  possible  decisions to prolong my life as long as I possibly can. I want to live forever, but none of us, not a single one of us will live forever! Today, isn't the deciding factor of my life. This doctor can not determine my future and no one else here on earth possibly can either, I have made a new dedication to myself through all the good and bad news I receive on this journey, I will be grateful for every single day I have, I will make the most of it, I will take the progression of this disease and I will face each day with grace and the best possible attitude that I possibly can. Life is not easy to live and life is not easy to let go of either. 

I believe I can live a long life, and when I met with my doctor and he says he thinks the disease is progressing it was a reality check. I hated it .. I hated him saying it.... I could deny it all but he is the expert and not me. I hope today proves that he is wrong, I am crossing my fingers and praying really hard that he is. I have been preparing myself all week for today and it's amazing I find comfort  and peace today that I have not felt in a while. I slept like a baby last night! 

Don't cry for me...Pray for me! 

Blog #31 My Miracle, Amazing People, and Fighting Hard....

This has been a really tough week. I went to see my oncologist on Thursday, as usual he said I was looking excellent, I told him how the Alternative doctor could tell that my liver was retracting, he looked at me strangely from the get go. He said "I hate this, you are so optimistic and so full of life and I hate to do anything to change that, but Christy this is a very tough disease. One that we just can not cure. Chemo would not even really help the cancer, it could buy you time, but not cure you" He was somber. I know that he really likes me and loves my zest for life, and I can not even imagine being in his shoes. I know that diagnoses and I know what I have been told. The fact that these doctors think I am not going to make it through this disease and be healed makes me even that much more determined.

I cried for the first time that day in our visits, he said he thought it had grown, but he could not be certain unless we did a CT SCAN, I agreed to one and it is scheduled for next Wednesday, I am praying for a miracle, I am praying that all these doctors are wrong, and I only know my body and I am still feeling good and I am going with that.

 Thursday night however, was a tough one at my house. It was as if  he took all the air out of my balloon. It hurt like hell. I cried most of the night and a lot of the next morning, until my boyfriend woke up and told me to go and look on my bedroom dresser, that his soccer teams had something for me. I went in there and there were 3 cards and a huge stack of money, $1450.00. I sat there with that money on my bed and cried, I cried tears of joy and in that moment, I read the cards and all the amazing things these young men had to say, I realized in that moment they were what I needed to get myself back on track! I thought to myself, how can I even think about questioning my faith when I have so many people that are beside me cheering me on. I stopped crying, went to work I got a call not long after getting to work saying that I needed to be at the oncologist office immediately. My calcium level was way to high and it was extremely dangerous to my health. I had to come in an get an hour and a half IV. I cried, it scared me to death. I knew I would be okay, but I didn't know what to expect. I didn't have the time to ask questions I was told to get there ASAP.The good thing I realized about my visit was that if I had not gone something very serious could have happened to me, and therefore I am glad I saw the oncologist and was able to get what I needed, it was a miracle in my heart ....

When I walked into the infusion center, it was one of the most spectacular view's of the city and within the four walls were about 30 other patients there getting their chemo treatments. I started to cry, and there was no controlling it, it took me for a loop. I sat there waiting my turn to be set up and I looked around the room at all these brave people that are there for the same reason as I was that day, saving their own lives. It's nothing like I have ever experienced before. The guy beside me showed me a picture of his beautiful family, he appears in the photograph to be 40 and in person, he looked 70. It shocked me, I had asked him how old his kids were in the picture, and they appeared to be the age or maybe 1 year older. It broke my heart, I wanted to hug him. I wanted to talk more and share our stories but he was almost finished with his treatment when we sat down and I didn't pry. I think cancer patients have a bound a bound of hope, love, compassion, and admiration for one another. I saw a different side to my disease that day and I didn't like it, not only for me but for anyone else sitting there.My brother and sister stopped what they were doing to come and be with me. To make sure that I was okay. I am loved. I feel so loved and I give them all so much of my love too. They are the best friends I have on this earth. They keep me happy, inspired, and hopeful, and I could never repay all of that support they show me. We have a bound that most families could only wish and hope for. 

Cancer really sucks because the guy beside me was in his 40's, I am in my mid 40's, and the lady to my right was 93 years old. Cancer isn't about an age,  race, or a particular lifestyle, cancer is a disease that anyone can get at anytime, and like me I have had it about 5 or 6 years and it's this silent killer. It's heartbreaking.

I was told that the infusion would make my joints hurt, but I had no idea it would feel as if I had the worse case of the flu I have ever known, with every bone in my body aching. It has been a rough 2 days. I had my fundraiser people were doing for me yesterday, and I was hurting so bad, for the first time in 2.5 months I took some Advil and I made it through the day. It was an amazing day, I am not going to go into the details of that today, but I will write about the fundraiser next time, just say it was a huge success.

It's getting close to time for Evan and I to go to my friend Melanie's house, we are going to church with her and her family tonight. This morning when I woke for the tenth time, I was not sure I could get up today, I put on my big girl panties, keep the Advil in my purse and I am ready to see what the night has in store for Evan and I with some of the most amazing new friends.

Life has the blessings we need you just always should allow yourself to receive them. Even in the most difficult times in life, I truly believe God sends people in your life that are suppose to be there to guide you and hold your hand along the journey. I have been lucky enough to connect with so many people that are just those people. I am open with my journey and therefore it allows others to be open and willing to help me along.

Don't cry for me ... Pray for me!