Onward to better days.....

I'm sorry it's been a while since I have written a blog.  I haven't been feeling good enough to make the effort to write. I am feeling better.... and it always makes me feel good to post an update on how things are with me! Sometimes I just have to take time to heal and step aside from all the other things in my life and work on myself, and getting better. 

I would be lying... if I said I wasn't still scared. I just want with all my heart to be tumor free. The anticipation of the PET SCAN on 9/8/2014 weighs heavy on my mind these days. It just seems like forever before I get it done, which gives me ...way to much time to think about the outcome. I do believe that I am going to be tumor free and I truly believe in my heart of hearts that the cancer has not spread anywhere else in my body. 

Is it 100% gone now? One could only hope so! 

 I just can't wrap my mind around all of this on some days. The fact that I am sick, the fact that I am almost there beating this monster and yet my liver is swollen with a tumor and is painful.  It's been a tough road. Nothing like I have ever experienced in all of my life before. I guess I just wonder how I can be so close to being tumor free and still feel bad at times. It doesn't make sense to me. I know it should because my body has been through so much over the last 6 months. 7 surgeries in 3 months, chemo treatments on top of the surgery. That is what makes this all so unreal to me. Seems these days the only thing I can think about this cancer, and not necessarily my cancer but others around me that are also effected by this horrible disease. Over the last 30 days two people passed away, one with a brain tumor, and the other with stomach cancer. It's hard to hear and follow someone else's journey and read that they have passed away. It breaks my heart.  Every where I go, and seems every one I meet... is impacted by this horrible disease in one form or another. 

I have thought a lot about what I am suppose to do with all of this information and the process of healing. I think back to all the doctors that told me "Do not do the Y-90, it is a last resort and only Interventional  Radiologist believe in that treatment, most oncologist don't"  So here is my thought on that. .....

I was told after the first Y-90 treatment I was 90% cancer free on the right side of my liver that he treated with the radiation beads.  90% something chemo was not going to offer me. I was told that chemo would allow me to live 12 months and that should be my life expectancy. Is that fair? What if I would have listened to the oncologist's, I would probably be in hospice or in heaven by now! That is a fact!  

I came into this  blindly learning about this disease, and  willing to put every thing I had and any thing that was offered to me into  beating  this monster. Believe me, I was terrified. I didn't want some doctor put radiation in my body. I didn't want my stomach sliced into and all the muscle getting to the liver to burn 9 tumors. I didn't want to be put to sleep. I didn't want to lay on my back for 6 hours unable to move. I didn't want any of that. But, I had to ... I had to do what it took to fight for my life. I had to open my mind to someone else taking charge of my care, telling me what I was going to do, and just going with it. I felt comfortable enough to do that.  Not a second in my life did I want to face any of those things.   At times I had to  put on my fighting gloves and sometimes I have actually needed to punch myself!  I can not lose this battle, I have put myself out of my comfort zone so far and wide that I just feel like I am one the worlds largest and longest roller coasters,  with my eyes closed and just going with it until I get to the end

. I just am not sure that there is a end to this disease. I think sometimes I wonder if I will ever be free, If I will ever be safe from this monster, if I will ever have a day in all the days of my life I have left to live that I will not fear cancer. I can't talk to it, I can't sell it on sparing my life, I can not change it's mind... It's something we can't see, it's a horrible disease within our bodies that unfortunately we can not control.  I have been so mad, angry, frustrated, and scared of this disease that I have had to take the stand that I will not give into something I can not see. I have a full life left for me to live, I will sacrifice my security to save my life. And then I think ... even if I spend the next 20 years fighting this disease... I'm still alive. For me, I want to live. I have so much left to do, so much more to share, and so many more lives to impact. 

I think without the comfort and quality of care that I have been given by Abbas Chamsuddin I would not be here today to make anymore difference in the world. My blogs and books would leave the story untold... as I want to tell it. I have no idea where my future leads me... I just know that in a world of medicine with a disease like liver cancer, and being told by 7 out of 8 Oncologist in the country not to do the Y-90 and them never given me the option under there personal care is a shame. Not a shame for me because I went for the cure, but for the people that go and see one doctor that tells them do chemo and they die within the time frame they were given from the beginning ... Whereas, they could have been told about the Y-90 and been given the choice and option as I was for my own personal care.  For me, this treatment is about saving my life. It's my doctors goal too. I can not say that about anyone else that I have seen anywhere else around the country. I think I figured out my purpose through all of this heartache. It's to do something about the options that people with liver cancer are given. Where I start with my local politicians and go forward to spread the word of my story, how the Y-90 made all the difference in my life and to hopefully make it mandatory for patients to at least be told about the treatment and given the option to do it or not. That's the first step. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. So to at least give people the option is the first step in saving lives! 

I am one person but I can promise you this... I am one person that wants to make a difference in the world, not matter how tiny or large my mission may become, it's about saving lives. About giving a mother or father more years with their children. It's about making options available to people that may not have ever had the opportunity to take a chance to save their own life. I want the world to know ... Liver cancer doesn't have to be a death sentence. 

When I was first told I had liver cancer, I was told that it was so bad I was not and will not be a candidate for a liver transplant or surgery cutting off the bad parts. That has also changed for me. I was told a few weeks ago if this last round of Y-90 damages my liver, he would refer me to a surgeon and they would cut off the right side as the left side is doing great.  I don't want that, and I honestly hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, I get back on the the roller coaster, eyes closed tightly and just go with it. The thought of that worried me for weeks, before and after my last surgery. But, I know that what is best for me my doctor Abbas Chamsuddin will make the right choices for me to do and help guide me to living a full and happy rest of the days of my life. I have never really had a doctor that I believed in as much as I believe in him. I am sure there are times he wants to duct tape my mouth, and that's okay. I am a pain, I ask a lot of questions, and I am a big baby but I just need a little reassurance at times to get me over the hump and he does just that, not always in the ways I want... but the ways that he as my doctor can only do. He can not guarantee me life, but he is doing all he can to make sure he does his best. That is more than I could ever ask of him. I just want the world to know how amazing he is. How he is a man of integrity, dedication, and the pure desire to save lives. Not just mine but everyone he comes into contact with, and I believe that. It's funny he is at a small town hospital and is a brilliant man. 

I write a lot about my doctor but I want to make sure that any person that come into contact with my blog w knows that he is there and a great option for their own life saving options.I actually have mailed him a letter today, that I would like to share with all of you...

 Dr.  Chamsuddin,

I am forever a changed person because of you! I will never again be the person I once was. Your dedication to my recovery is nothing less than amazing to me and my family!  You were open and honest with all of us throughout this journey !

No matter how far I ran to search for other answers (I never got) you patiently waited on me to be ready for the commitment of care you were offering to me. I know I am not the easiest patient, nor the best, by any means. I was scared. I was scared dying. I was scared to know I had the disease and more afraid to treat it. I had been given a death sentence by many other doctors, all across the country.  Except… for you, of course. Even if you thought it, you never told ME that!

I don’t know what you thought about my case when we first met and how you felt throughout the process of the procedures you did for me, I just know that  since that first day we met ,for the first biopsy I believed in you and that has not wavered a day since then.

Life leads us where we need to be. I believe that! You are a GREAT doctor and what makes you great is…. You genuinely care about your patients…I consider you my friend, you are my “Hero” you are the one person that has given me a chance to live. How amazing is that?

Your compassion is your best attribute. Never… ever… ever  loose sight of that. I have appreciated your honesty and your true desire to go the extra mile for me with every bump in the road we have faced.  

I can not put into words how grateful I am … I just know that from the deepest depths of my heart and soul… I thank you for everything.

I don’t think I can thank you enough. I just wanted a little note to say how great I think you are and how grateful I am that you are my doctor

Christy Hicks 

Thanks for everyone that has been thinking of and praying for me.I know that I am forever grateful for the love and support I, as well as my family ...has been shown over the last several months. And believe me if you are interested in my fight with legislation to make sure every liver cancer patient has all their options, you would be giving your time and efforts to a great cause. Thanks. 

Don't cry for me...Pray for me! 

Blog #44 Fingers Crossed.. Great Doctor, Dedicated Patient, and New Beginnings

When you are facing a battle, and you're in the midst of the fight for your life, you have no time to question your mission!!! You're really only able to go full force ahead with the fight and winning the battle of your life. I have been going through so much over the last 6 months. There has been no time to think much about what I wanted to do... because in times like this, it's about what you have to do to save your life. 

On Friday, last week, I had what we hope was my last Y-90 treatment for my liver cancer. Hoping that the 10% that was left over from the last time will now be completely gone and out of my body... forever. It was hard having that procedure done on Friday since I had just had surgery on Monday and was still having all the full side effects from that. I was fearing for my life. I was afraid to allow myself to be as strong as I knew I had to be in that moment.

In the  one moment I fell completely apart and feared that what we were doing would not work .... I remember laying there and my doctor came up and spoke to me.. He said I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to but it needed to be done. He gave me the choice. (Not that he would have ever let me leave that operating room he didn't fool me for a second). He gave me the confidence in myself to make the choice to do the procedure and to keep the follow through where we began this journey. I cried and looked at him straight into the eyes and said "I just want at the end of all of this to be healed... to be cancer free" he looked at me and said "No one wants that more for you than I do"  In that moment... no amount of pain, fear, or insecurity mattered we are on a mission, a mission that we are on together, a doctor and a patient and I can not even begin to tell you how encouraging that is to someone. To have someone that is working to save your life, that is a doctor that most could really care less about their patients other than their patient number and their payments. I feel cared for. I feel that I was sent by God to a man that would take me into his skilled hands and will do what he can to save my life. Not for any other reason but because of the life that I have left to live and the heart and soul of a woman that has so much left to give in this lifetime. 

Everyone.... tells me how strong I am. I guess when you have no other choice but to be strong there  just are no other options. I have had a really hard time over the last 6 months. I have not cooked, cleaned, done anything much fun. I have been working on healing myself. I have allowed my body for the first time in 45 years to rest. I have listened to when I need to rest and when I am ready to get up and go to work. I have not been a good friend, I have not been the best mom I could be, I have not been a lot of things because I have been working on getting well so I can be all that I need and desire to be. I have been thinking a lot about this journey. It has led some amazing people into my life. People that have pulled themselves inward when all I have tried to do is push them away and keep my distance. Those people would not allow that to happen and for that I am so grateful. It's not easy fighting cancer. It's not easy for anyone. It's so hard on the patient as well as all the family and friends that rally around to comfort and support the person with the disease. I am fighting for my life and if I have to spend every day that the Lord gives me to fight for that day then that is what I plan on doing. I hope my down and bad days are now behind me. Unfortunately, I still have to do chemo, and I have a treatment this coming Wednesday morning. I don't want to do it, I fight it hard but it's imperative to keep the cancer from spreading somewhere else in my body, my biggest fear. So.... I go and have the chemo and I take it like the trooper I am and I sit there with all the other people getting theirs wishing none of us were in that room having to do something so horrible. 

Life isn't easy. There are challenges every single day that we face. We all have one thing or another going on in our lives that makes it tough. I just know that I have learned that the petty things no longer have as much effect on the person that I am and the person I plan on being. I have a heart of gold, I will give anyone anything I have if it would help I look at other people I know that are facing their own battles with cancer, and I want to reach out to them and at this point I am unable too. That is temporary I plan on making my mission to help other cancer patients see the good in the days that they feel so bad. I have no idea where I will begin but I am hoping to start a support group with some people I know.  Just a group of women to have to get together with that truly understands one another fears and insecurities. I thought about joining a support group when I first got sick, but I decided against it, I think it's getting to be about that time.  I hope to meet many people in various stages and cures in their diseases.  There are so many that face this battle in silence that do not want others to know, maybe it's they don't want the attention from others, or whatever, I just know that as long as I have a breath in me, and I am going through something that I can share my experiences with others and to have someone else maybe learn something from me, and my decisions than it makes sharing worth it all to me. 

It would be easy to hide away from the world. There are times I really want to do just that. I want to just make this all go away, I want to just play make believe that this isn't happening to me. No matter how hard I would want that, it wouldn't work.

 I have focused my life around this disease for the last 6 months, trying to rid my body of something I will never see. Never be able to touch and yet, it was doing it's best to kill me. Makes no sense does it? Sometimes the things we can no see, touch, smell, or hear can be our worst enemy, I know I met mine,  but my cancer had no idea how strong and determined I am going to be to make sure it doesn't take any more of my life that I have left to live. I have decided  that I want to focus on Christy, on the people in my life that mean the world to me. I am ready and strong enough to give back for all that I have been given. I know that I don't have to! I want to. I want to know that my life has a purpose and it isn't to fight cancer, my life is to make a difference even if it is in my story of my journey and the hope and desire that I have to live my life every single day. Life is not about what tomorrow brings it's about what you have in this very moment is what is all that matters. Trying refocusing your own life at living in the moment, it's much easier and more fulfilling! 

No one can face this monster alone and no one ever should. I hope to be a light of hope and inspiration in the lives of others that may be facing this today or even in the future. 

Information is knowledge and knowledge leads to life!