BLOG #39 Cry when I want to, laugh when I can.....

I am finding it really hard to find the time to write my blog these days. I have had some serious set backs of pain and a  cough that have put me down for a few days at a time. So, the days I am feeling good, I am at work and trying to continue to make a living to support my daughter and myself. I get depressed on the days that I am not able to get up and come to work, I love working, I am a very energetic, overachieving person! I have been a workaholic my entire life and to have this disease that interferes with that, makes me sad at times. I listen to my body, and I do what I need to do to truly get me through another day, and if that means, taking pain pills and laying in bed, then that is what I have to do on those days. I take the way I am feeling, day by day, I don't make plans with anyone for the future because I have no idea how I will be feeling on those days, and the last thing I want to do is make plans and have to break them. The biggest part would be getting my hopes up in doing something and then not feeling good enough to go and do it! That  would really upset me, so I avoid plans at all cost. 

I did 2 Friday's of chemo and I was off last Friday. I would like to say it felt great not doing the treatments but I was very sick with a cough that caused more liver pain, in turn caused me to be stuck back in the bed for a few days. I cried but what am I going to do about it? I have to live with this disease, no matter what it throws at me and do it with the grace and dignity I have in my heart to get me through it. 

Lately, I have been wishing for a crystal ball, so I can look inside and see where my future is going to lead me. Unfortunately, there isn't one and therefore; I am forced to live each day one by one. It's tough. Most people don't live day by day. I see posting things on FB like, "Can't wait... 2 weeks from today, I will be at the beach" as they are counting down the days. Believe me I get it, I just am sitting here hoping to feel good and make it another day to be with my little girl. 

This disease has taken over my life, doctor appointment's, treatment's, medicine, pain, and heartbreak. I have people that tell me to find the peace in things. I can't find peace, I will never find peace in dying and leaving  my little girl. I will not leave this earth in peace, and I am hoping that I can find the peace that the bible describes in heaven... but I just don't know. I have so many things left undone! So many things left I want to do!  So much more time I want to see my daughter and grandson grow up, there is no peace for me in leaving this earth and leaving them behind. I have no idea how much time I have left to live. I have no idea when one day I will wake up and no longer be the person I am today and be unable to take care of myself, I don't want that. I don't want to be left here for someone else in my family to take care of me. I want to just go in my sleep and not wake up , where my family will not suffer and have to watch me wither away, I beg God every night not to leave me that position, because no one deserves to have to take care of someone dying that they love so much, it's one of the hurtful things I know in my heart and I pray to God I don't have to have  them do that for me. I have been saving my donations just for that cause in case I get where I can not take care of myself that I will have money for my family to have a nurse come and stay with me, and take care of me.  I have not told anyone what I am saving my money for, but it's now out in the open. It's important for me.  For 45 years I have a been a very strong, independent, self sufficient woman, and to have to be taken care of is heartbreaking for me. I want to take care of myself, I have always been the one taking care of everyone else and now I am sick. It's unfair and pisses me off. I'm 45 and should be looking at at least 30 more years of life instead of worrying if I will even be here tomorrow. 

Monday...  is a big day. I have the follow up Pet Scan to see how well the Y90 worked on my liver and to make sure the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else in my body. I am more frightened than I have ever been in my entire life. I am ready to know the results and then on the other hand I am afraid what the results could be. I am hopeful. I am praying harder than ever before that the scan shows tremendous results! The few people I knew that had cancer I was always excited the day they got their pet scan's... That's the outsider version, the insider version isn't no where near that excited. I just don't know what these treatments of radiation and chemo have done to my body, and I fear the words that I don't want to hear. I fear it's spread, because it can, but honestly that is why my doctor had me do the radiation and the chemo together so that it would not have a chance to spread. I am just the patient, I am so unfamiliar with the world of cancer, what works, what doesn't, and where this road will leave me. I am blindly putting my faith into a doctor that I feel I can trust and that will do every thing he can to save my life. I want him to save my life, and I know even if he doesn't ...I have chosen the best doctor to lead this journey and do what he can to make certain that he did his best. When someone does their best, that is all you can really ever ask of them. 

I have lived a great life. I have two beautiful daughters, a handsome grandson, a brother and sister everyone should be so lucky to have, 3 nieces, 1 nephew, and a great brother in law. I have been to the top of the world financially, and I have learned some valuable lesson's along the journey back to broke once again. I have picked myself up, dusted myself off, and rebuilt an amazing insurance career, that has exceeded my expectations and I feel that I have always been a friend to a friend in need. I have laughed a lot, I have had very minimal sorrow in my life, (when my mama and dog died) I have always been one of those people that has faced the world and never been afraid to jump head first and see where the journey would lead me. I have loved and been loved and I have been let down and I have have let others down.  I have a sharp mind, and good sense of humor. I have cried, laughed, and rejoiced in the pleasures of life. I have been strong my whole life, because I never had any other choice. I have dreams and desires. I have lived a great life and I have been fortunate enough to have the desire to share my journey in my words. I have written and published a single mom book. I have written an inspiration book, a romance novel, and a erotic novel. I have so many aspirations in life and still as I face this illness I am always thinking about what dream I want to make come true next. I live every day as strong as I can. Cry when I want and laugh when I can. I have so much to live for and so much more to be grateful for. I am just one person, a one woman crusade that has the strong desire to live and see my daughter grow up, graduate college, get married, and give me grandchildren. I want what we all want, and it may be that I don't get to see the future. But, what I will not do is worry about not seeing the future so much that I don't enjoy and notice the present.  I live each day the best I can, some days are much tougher than others, and I lay there reminding myself on those days, this too shall pass. 

Thank you all for reading and knowing the heart and soul of someone that wants more than anything else in the world right now, to beat this, to live a long life and to show the world that being a warrior isn't being part of any army ... It's a one woman mission to live another day! 

Blog # 38.....The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Days of Cancer...

I have to  say.... this journey get's harder and harder as it goes along. The chemo treatment set me back, pretty much all of this  week. It wasn't so much about being  tired as much as I was hurting in my right shoulder and liver, again!  There were three days this week that I could barely lift my head up to get up and use the restroom. I would have to have someone pull my arm to get me out of bed. I would eat whatever it was I could and I would even do that laying there in the bed, getting crumbs every where, I had no choice, I could not sit up. That is a horrible feeling, one that I never dreamed in a million lifetimes that I would have to deal with. In those moments I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream out to God and ask "Why me? Why must I suffer so much?" I felt bad for feeling that way, and yet, I could not help myself. I get on this pity party when the pain hits me, I fear that I may never feel better again, that I may never be the Christy Hicks with a spunky attitude and high energy anymore!!! It makes me break down to the depth of my soul and fear the future. And then like magic, I start feeling better and I am able to get up and be in the real world again and I am happier than I could have ever been before. 

This disease is tough. It takes every insecurity in my mind and soul and breaks me into a million pieces. People are always asking what they can do for me, there is nothing, I have to get through the pain, I have to lay there on my left side and not move a muscle in fear of hurting and just take the pain pills every 4 hours  until the pain goes away. This week I called my doctor, I was seriously ready to just give up, it hurt so bad, I see the pain this causes  my little 6 year old daughter and the fear of her mama being stuck in the bed and how it  makes her feel. I missed my niece and nephew's birthday party, ion Monday  and cried most of the day wishing I was there. I was hurting so bad there was no way I could have been there but when Evan got home from the party she cried and said she wanted me to feel better because I can't do anything with her anymore. It hurts so bad to hear her say that, and I just continually tell her that I am working on getting better and that mama is going to have good and bad days and hopefully she can remotely understand. I am not good at this, I don't have all the answers but I am suppose to keep the faith and believe that I will come out the other side of this and be a better person, for all the pain and suffering I am enduring. It makes no sense to me. And I do it all because I want to live. I want to be better. Because I am strong even in my weakest moments, I find the strength to endure it all/  

I would do anything to be healthy and  to not have to face the fear of death every day of my life. I want to hear that "I am cancer free", and would even be happy with "we have it under control and we can manage this disease." I want to live and yet every day I am fearful I may no wake up. 

The world doesn't stop because someone is sick. hospitals, and doctors want to get paid. I have been sent to collections, I have people calling me about bills that were first considered pre existing condition and denied. I have to deal with procedures being denied with me owning a balance due of $90,000.00 .... I lay in bed sometimes and think what the hell is someone sick suppose to do. I pay for insurance and yet, my insurance wont pay for every thing. What can I do? Anyone got a money tree I can go pick from because I just don't know what else I am suppose to do. The frustration of some smart ass calling and saying "how are you going to take care of this bill today ?" I am not, most times I get so mad and I just hang up the phone. I am being harassed and being tormented with a disease that I have no control over. An average person could not handle this. I want to run away. I want to pretend I am not sick. I want to go to bed one night and sleep on my right side as I always have and feel comfortable. Damn it! I want to be me again. and I don't know that I can ever be the person I once was. 

There are days that I don't want to talk to anyone, it's not that I don't want to,  it's just I don't feel good enough to talk. Nothing taste the same. Nothing feels the same. I feel myself getting angry over petty stuff that doesn't matter just to release some stress and anxiety at times, because if I don't I feel as if I may fall completely apart. I wish my mama were here to lay in my bed with me day and night and hold me tight. I need her, and makes me so mad that she is gone. I want her so bad to be right here with me. I want to feel her comfort. I want to be held so tight. I want her and yet I must face the fact that I can't have her with me. It makes me mad as hell.  I don't dream anymore. I guess it's because I never fall into a deep sleep with the pain, and just not being able to sleep good. I hate complaining and yet I have so much I feel I have the right to complain about. 

I am finally feeling better and able to write my blog and sit at my desk and feel semi normal again, and I have chemo again today. I hate it. I wish I didn't have to go. I wish there were other choices for me to try and save my life, there just are not any more choices. I have searched the world over. I never wanted chemo I swear I would never do a day of it, if I thought there was another way to save my life and to get me through this horrible nightmare I live every single day! 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs I want to hate everything in my path some days I want to be mad and it be okay. I want to give up on the days I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am forced to be strong and get through all this pain and suffering. It sucks. 

I was thinking the other day about that movie "Terms of Endearment" When the mom called the daughter and she was  so sick and the mom was going on and on about so and so and gossiping and how the daughter broke down and said she didn't want to hear it she didn't feel good.  I understand that moment in the movie  so clearly now. It's heartbreaking when you can put yourself in that scene in the movie and know how the character felt. I surely do. I keep to myself a lot these days, I lay in my bed with the entertainment of a television that makes no sense when you are laying there with morphine pills that makes everything just a distant thought. I don't even enjoy reading anymore, or my favorite shows I have always loved to watch. They bring me no peace in my life now. 

Okay, I am still alive but today I wanted to share the hurt and painful moments and things of a cancer patient. To see the inner part of a disease that most people are so willing to tuck away from the world so that don't seem weak. Everyone wants to be brave and a warrior. I am ... I just happen to be a very honest warrior ... I am fighting this battle the best I can. I have good days and bad days I have all my strength and then I have none. I am just a woman that wants to live... a woman that will fight this battle and pray every day that the next is a better day than the day before was. Thank you all so much for following me. For reading my blogs for seeing this disease for the ugly truth it brings into someone's life. This isn't easy but writing gives me a sense  comfort and peace I would not have without sharing with all of you.

There are a few bright spots and that's the love of my family and friends. I don't share all the heartaches with them because I would never want them to hurt as much as I hurt myself. I keep a lot of my feelings bottled up and today I shared them on my blog, and it feels good.  I will go to chemo today with a good attitude and the determination to beat this disease and do the best I can to 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me.... 

Blog #37.... Rocky Days and Heartfelt Love ....

I've had a really tough go of the Y-90 treatment! For the first several days it was fine, I was pretty much bed ridden and needed the rest, but for the most part I felt really good, It wasn't until about a week after the treatment that I noticed my legs were swollen and while doing something special for my little daughter, I almost passed out in the American Girl store. I went home feeling defeated. I know that I can not expect to feel perfect after all that I have been through but I have never in my life been one, to feel tired and down. I needed rest and I needed to remind myself that the Y-90 treatment is a radiation that is put into my body and I needed to heal from the procedure. 

This past Sunday I woke up to the most miserable pain in my right shoulder than I have ever felt. A pain that I could not even describe where it started and stopped, it just felt like it was engulfing my shoulder and back with stabbing pain. My first thought was, the port has gotten infected. Since the doctor inserted the port the day of the Y-90 treatment it has not felt great. It is a rectangle box looking thing that sticks out under the skin and a tube that goes up to my neck. It's not the most pleasant thing, and besides it's a foreign thing inside my body. I got my neighbor to drive me to the hospital. I was not and will not take any chances with my body. I have to listen to what it's telling me, and if there is pain, I want to know the source and should be proactive with making sure every thing is working the way it's suppose to. When I got the ER the doctor said, he did not think it was the port, it looked good to him but at my request they would do a chest x-ray and a ultrasound, just to be sure.  There could be numerous things wrong, the port could have been infected, I could have had a blood clot, or the port had shifted and hit a nerve. 

 I wanted answers and I was not leaving the hospital until I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this port was not my complication. After the test, the doctor said the port looks perfect, the position is perfect and there appears to be no blood clots. He said that it may have shifted some and may be on a nerve and prescribed me some more pain medicine and sent me home. I went home and rested the rest of the day, and when I woke Monday morning the pain so so intense I was screaming in pain and crying. Luckily, my doctor that performed the surgery called and said that the right shoulder pain is from the radiation getting into and killing the cancer cells and they are hitting a nerve that is generating from my liver up to my shoulder. I knew he was telling me the truth because on my first liver biopsy, he hit a nerve that day that caused a lot of right shoulder pain that went away within an hour. My doctor was so happy I was in such pain, and advised me to call the oncologist and have him prescribe me morphine for the pain.  After taking the morphine, I felt like a vegetable, I took it every 4 hours like clock work, until the next morning, when I took it, it made me feel so out of control and so bad that I was determined that I could deal with pain more than I could deal with the way that morphine made me feel. It was crazy. I stopped taking it several days ago and I have to be honest I never want to take that stuff again. I am alive and I want to feel alive and taking that took something mentally away from me that I just can not deal with!

 

This disease is something that takes the heart and soul of the person with the disease and it's as if you are put on a roller coaster facing the up's and down's.. but it is almost as if you are blind folded because you can not see nor feel when the next rise and fall is going to be.The things that take your breath away in a blink of an eye.

I wish I never was faced with this disease. The ER doctor said "You don't fit the profile for liver cancer, You look so good I would have never know you were as sick as you are" I have to say this is what makes this disease so hard for me. It's almost as if I don't believe I am sick when I look at myself in the mirror, but the further along I go into the process of recovery I feel the effects I had not felt before of the disease. Maybe it's not even the disease it's the side effects of this disease that effects me. 

Cancer really sucks. Being told you have a certain life expectancy is hard. I had to change oncologist when I decided to do the Y-90 treatment because my traditional, old fashioned doctor said he didn't believe in it. His only solution for me was chemo and I had been told several times that would not save my life. I am not in this battle to live until tomorrow or next week. I am the warrior doing everything I can so that in 15 -30 years I am still here and living a good life. I only have hope and my faith and for anyone to challenge either of those things isn't good. I am going to win or lose this battle on my terms, the things I believe in, the things that give me HOPE and if someone isn't on board with that, than they are on the wrong healing ship! 

I am not in denial of this disease, what I am is a woman fighting for every right that she has to save her life. To leave no stone unturned in trying to find the right way to heal me and cure this disease from my body. I have no idea if I will ever be cured but what I believe is that I can maintain my life, I can be one of these people living for many years fighting off the progression of this disease. I am doing everything I need to do, and that is what makes this battle so hard. I have no idea how long I will live, I just know that through my faith, dedication, and constant encouragement and prayers from others I can stand to fight another day. 

I cry a lot, when I was first diagnosed I had no idea what this disease would mean in mine and my families life. It's heartbreaking, but together we face each day and new challenge that comes about and pray that I overcome something that is trying it's best to kill me. 

The longer I go through this recovery the more people I am hearing about getting this disease. It breaks my heart.It is a disease that everyone else gets, not you, that's how I felt. But you know what, I have cancer, and I have to take the bull by the horns and try every bit of ammunition I have to beat this monster. I know that everyone tells me if anyone can beat this disease, it's me. That I am the strongest person they know ...Sometimes I wonder if I am really strong at all.I know I am because I get up each day and I face this with all that I have inside of me. I don't falter from the plan, even though sometimes I have every excuse and reason to do so. What makes me a warrior is my ability to not let this defeat me. To not give in the the disease I have been told I have and realizing that every day I wake up is a new chance to beat this. I know a lot of people in my inner circle worry about me all the time, they pray for me. and they encourage me even when they are afraid of the outcome of this horrible disease. Nothing is set in stone ... No one knows what will and will not happen with me. I just know that I want to live one day at a time. I want to embrace the good days that will give me encouragement and hope through the rocky ones ahead. They say  You have to get worse before you can get better. I thought that saying was so stupid, that is until it happened to me. 

I am still working as much as my body will allow me too. I go in and if I am feeling bad I leave, go home. rest, and try it again the next day.My work does not define me as a person but unlike so many people in the  world,  I love working, it gives me a sense of accomplishment and these days anything I can do to make myself inspired and feeling better is what I want to be doing. This journey is going to be a long one. One with lots of unanswered questions and lots of times that I may questions myself and my doctors. But I must say I am putting my faith for once in this journey to two doctors that are on the same page with my treatments and the desire that one of these doctors has in his heart to heal me. I could not ask for anything better than that from a doctor. He has been by my side this entire journey, whether or not I used his treatment or not, he was there and for a doctor to care and to go above and beyond for me all that he has is simply unheard of these days. I am not patient number blah blah, I am me, Christy Hicks a mother and woman fighting for her life that he takes interest in making my life better and longer.To be honest, I can not say that about any other doctor I met anywhere else along this journey. I know some people have faith in their doctors even when it seems that the doctors don't have much faith in their patient. I truly feel that with the right team anything is possible. This disease is not the patient only fighting it is friends, family, doctors, and strangers alike joinging together to help in making things better and brighter. 

I have said numerous times how disappointed I am in some people. Let me say this my disappointment in other people no longer matters to me. what matters to me are the people standing here in these moments of uncertainty in my life with their kind words and prayers that are what matters. Someone not being a friend to me is fine because they lost one of the best friend they could have had if they were ever in my shoes. We all learn our own lessons, and some people learn them the really hard way, but we all face our decisions in life at one time or another.

 

Cancer is no joke.It's there all the time lurking and moving about it's a matter of finding the right treatments to contain it to certain parts of your body and to keep it from spreading every where it wasn't before the treatments! I have thought long and hard about this but if I knew today were my last day on this earth and I had something I could say to the people I love, it would go as follows"

Greg (my brother) you have been the rock that has held us all together! I could not have asked for any one else that would have supported me, encouraged me, believed in me. and loved me more than you have. I am so grateful and I want every day of your life filled with happiness. That you let me go, move on with life, and know that I will be that angel on your shoulder doing all that I can for you. 

Lori (my sister) you have been my best friend all of my life. You have always shown me the errors of my ways and did it with a kind loving heart. I will miss you every single day but I know that I will see you again. Please allow yourself to find happiness take care of those babies I love so much and know that you are and will forever be my best friend. 

Sam (my daughter) the person that made me grow up and be accountable for all my decisions. My true love always since the day you were born. The love of my life. I have always been so proud of you and know that I am always going to be with you. I love you more than words can ever say you are my heart and soul. 

Evan(my little daughter) the bright spot in my life when everything else was falling apart. You gave me love, hope, courage, and the strength I needed in a time I felt I had none. I loved you the second you were born and I love you more every single day. You are what has completed my life. I want you to grow up be happy and do  something amazing with your life. Be a writer build on what mama started from and know that my love for you is as deep as the earth and everything all around it. 

Landon (my grandson) you are the most handsome boy in the world. I love you so much. I was so excited the day you were born, I know you will do something amazing with baseball you go make Grandma Christy proud and know that I will have a front row seat in heaven watching you play all the rest of your life. I love you 

Georgia (my niece) you are the sweetest. Your kind heart and love for me is felt every single time I am around you. I love you so much and I remember the day you were born it was one of the happiest of my entire life. 

Jimbo (my nephew) you lady killer. Don't you let the girls distract you from doing amazing things in life, they will try. You are so handsome and every day I wanted to come over and hold you and never put you down. You and your sister mean the world to me and I hope that you will always remember how much I truly do love you....

Ansleigh (my niece) I can't believe how you have grown before my vary eyes, you are beautiful and your softball abilities are amazing. You will go far in life and the sky is the limit for you. Please know I am always cheering you on and I will forever be your biggest fan. 

Devin (my niece) the shy little girl has grown up to be an amazing woman. You will do great things Devin. I hope that whatever path of medicine you take that you will fight for a cure for cancer. You will be an amazing doctor one day and I hope that you reach every star in the sky because you are simply amazing. 

Tonya (my friend) You have been one of the most amazing friends I have ever had. You are always cheering me on and picking me up when I fall. Our friendship was meant to be and it has been one I cherish most in the world. I love you... 

Ashley (my friend) what can I say, you make me laugh. You are a great friend, the best cook, and a great mama. Having you as a friend has made me one of the luckiest people in the world.I don't want to leave you because I love your exciting stories and I want to be your friend with you always and forever! No matter what... I will be I promise you that!  

Kristy (my friend) you have been amazing for me and Evan through this illness. Your kindness and friendship means the world to me and I can not thank you enough for always dropping everything to be there in my time of need. 

Nanny (my sweet friend) I love you more than words can say. You have been the see all know all person in my life and you still like me through it all. You make me laugh and you give me hope throughout my life. I wouldn't have made it in life as far as I have without your love and comfort. You are one of the people in this world that means the most to me. 

Mimi (my friend) you have been amazing. Every single step of this journey you have been there. You have given so much to me that I could never repay you for it all. I love you.

Jerri (my friend) you have been a great friend. Throughout the years of working together and then just being a great friend. You have been so kind and I love you so very much!

Kelley (my friend) my early morning phone calls to listen to me bitch and complain and then to make me see how funny it all really was. You are awesome. You are a great friend and I will forever be thankful for facebook bringing us back and closer than ever before. I love you... 

To all my Covington Girls (Tammy, Tiffany,Crystal,Sherry, DeAnn, Debbie, Robin Allison) you girls are the best. I know without me life will go on but I hope as you all get together and go on our girls nights out, that in some form or another you will take me with you.. I love you girls so much and you will always and forever be some of the best friends any girl could ever ask for ....

.

I am one of those people if I love you ... you know I love you. Through this journey I have been faced with something no one wants to be faced with and that is death. I have no idea how long I have... When it will be my time to go and I want the people in my life to know how much I loved them. I will be just another person dying and going to heaven one day to a lot of people, but for the people that truly love me and that I love it's going to be a hard day. I want a celebration of my life. I have lived through some really tough things, I am dealing with fighting this battle now, and it is not easy. When my time comes I want the world and the people that love me to celebrate. I have had a good life. I have been loved and loved some of the most amazing people and I have so much to be grateful for. I gave birth to two of the most beautiful daughters I could have ever asked for. I have been to the top and slide to the bottom and I have built a business that will be left to help raise my little daughter and to give a little easier life income wise to my oldest and her son. I have worked hard all my life and looking back on the last several years I am grateful for all the hard work and dedication that has lead me to this point that I can provide for them even if I am no longer here. They say everything happens for a reason.... With this I have no idea why .I just know that I am fighting and if my fight should end tomorrow I have a lot to be proud of. I have nothing unsaid to anyone I know. I have no hard feelings and no one should ever have a regret when it comes to me. We chose what we want to do and if you don't do what we should have or needed to do we can't blame anyone but ourselves.There are so many others I could say so much too. I just simply wanted to reach out to the people that have reached out to me on this journey and let them know how much it's meant to me. to have each and every one of them there beside me through these tough days.