Blog #60... What is right for you .. may not be right for anyone else.

I have learned a lot over these last 9 months. I have learned what is important and what truly isn't. I spent most of my life thinking one way.... to completely have my thoughts changed by a disease that could have taken my life. It's weird how something like cancer can make you see yourself and the world clearer than you probably ever would have. 

Today, I am thinking of Brittany Maynard. The controversy that is around her decision to chose to end her own life. I see so many negative comments. On one hand I  understand their feelings, as before getting sick... I would have felt the same way. I would have thought she was selfish and all those "What if's" because her life was not mine nor anyone else but her own choice to live or die the way she did....

You never know what it is like to be sick ...until you are sick! You can never know how it feels to be told that you have cancer and that it will take your life in a horrible way. There are no words that I... nor anyone else can say that can express how that feels. You can pretend someone says it to you ...but it's so different when it's a reality. I can not even begin to understand the fear and peace in those final moments she had in her life. To go with the grace and dignity that she so wanted is something amazing to me. With me having cancer my biggest fear and pain I feel is that my family would have to watch me suffer through the end of this disease. It's the most heartbreaking thing I think that could have ever happened in my life. It's not so much about me suffering it's the people that love and surround me that I would not want them to watch me in those final days that my life is just taken away from me little by little.

 I chose to fight for my life. I never allowed myself to believe that I would die. I couldn't because I have so much to live for, yet none of us are promised tomorrow, not now and not ever. As much as we all wish there was a way to have cured Brittany, there was no way, she was told that she had 6 months to live. To be told you are dying  is the worst feeling in the world ...until you are living in those moments of death. I don't know that I would have the strength that Brittany had, because I am a believer, I am one of those people that believe in miracles, they happen every day, look at me I am one of those miracles. I've cried for Brittany. A woman that I have never and never will meet, she gave me a lot of things to think about as she has done for so many. She chose the route that she wanted to take. She fought for what she believed in  and I can only imagine the horrible things that people have said to her, but at the end of what she felt was her life she made her choice, I personally admire and respect her decision. I wish she would not have had to make it, that she never had to take that medicine that took the last part of her life here on earth away from her, but her wish came true and that is what matters most ... Brittany died for her belief's, her purpose, her desire to die with dignity and grace. God Bless Brittany... You are a stranger to me but we had a common disease that bonded me to you..... 

We are all given the chance to make our own decisions in life and believe me your views and values change when you are facing a life threatening disease! Cancer is horrible, cancer isn't a disease that is an easy fix it's mentally as difficult as it is physically

I am still off the chemo and my appetite is better than it's been in months and months. I feel good a feeling that I have been longing to feel again for so long. I see that light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to having another procedure next week. I am ready for Dr. Chamsuddin to finish what he has started, so that I can go on with my life. I can live the life I been giving a second chance at living. How many people are truly given a second chance at life? How many take that opportunity to do something that could help others? I don't think I will ever know the answer to that question but what I do know is... I think about all the things I am going to do when I hear those words that my pet scan is clear! I have some influence to make in some certain doctor's views. I want them to know that if I can survive they have a greater chance at helping their other patients survive as well.  I am living proof that  these treatments work. 

I've connected with some amazing people through fighting for my life. I have met people with cancer that I sit next to every Wednesday and we share our stories while we are there to get our chemo, the poison that is going into our bodies as we try and save our lives. We share something that I can not share with most people I know. We encourage one another, we asked questions, and we cheer one another on in our victories no matter how big or small they may be. My friend I usually sit next to is older than me, she is the sweetest person. She is there every other Wednesday from 8-4 getting chemo and sitting right there beside her is her husband, waiting to do whatever it is she might be needing. The other day I asked her "Do you rent him out?" She laughed, actually the whole room laughed. It's so  sweet to see them together so in love and happy... in what is probably the scariest time of their lives. Makes me jealous. You can not pretend to love someone, it's there and shining bright as a full moonlit night or it's not there at all. I love to see people so in love, these days it's rare, I must admit! 

Today, I see my oncologist again as a follow up. I have decided to go ahead and get chemo this week. I want this monster gone and I think the break I have had over the past several weeks has been good for me, it's built me back up and I am now ready to continue this journey and see it to the end of the CANCER FREE zone. I have come so far. I have given up my life over the last 9 months to get myself well and what's a few more months in the journey to be in remission of a disease that takes most people's lives?

I hope you are all having a great week and are finding ways to make yourself happier today then you were on yesterday! Happiness isn't something you go searching for.. Happiness come from within. Be happy in all that you do. Because it's one of the most important parts of life that most people seem never to find. I have another friend that has cancer, I spoke with his brother several times and he said "We are all at peace with this disease" That is a great way to be, I am not quite there yet, peace and cancer for me just can't be combined. Life is short so find the happiness in any thing and every single thing around you. I do my best to do that myself. 

Don't Cry For Me.... Pray For Me! 

Blog #49... Spreading hope....

Unfortunately, I have to have  one more burn procedure. I was hoping to be done with all of that stuff,but it's not over until all the cancer is gone, and with it being even a tiny bit in my liver, the procedure has to be done again.... I was hoping that I would not have any more cancer left in my body... after all I have already been through. But, that just isn't the case. I have 3 tumors that have a fraction of the tumor left that is lighting up on the pet scan and I have to do something about them.We are not willing to  leave any cancer in my body. We have been so aggressive throughout the treatments and there is no reason to stop now, 98% cancer free or not... I am going for the 100%!!! 

The news wasn't what I was hoping for from Dr. Chamsuddin today, and I know he could see the disappointment on my face, but I have never been good at lying about how I am feeling. I asked his secretary to please schedule it as soon as she could, that I am ready to get it done and over with. No reason to start procrastinating this late in the game... 

As Dr. Chamsuddin said today, I have made the U-turn in this disease.  Today, was the first time he said either way about if he thought I would survive this disease. He said even after the first Y-90 he really wasn't sure I would make it. I held back the tears. That was a hard thing to hear, but my liver was 50% covered in multiple tumors and statistic's say I should be dead, but I am not. I am beating this. I don't know that everyone's body would react as well to the treatments as mine has, but I am grateful and regardless it was all worth the risk for me to save my life even if it had turned out completely different. I have learned about making decisions, sticking with them, and accepting the outcome. I have never had to make such tough decisions in my life. I have cried almost every night before each procedure I have had done, but to be honest I have gone into them all the day of... with confidence and never doubting the outcome of what the procedure would do for my cancer. I have feared death, of course, but I have really honest to God never believed that I could not make it through this. I wasn't given a positive result chart, I was given hope, and for me that was good enough. I could have never sat back and done nothing and just let the cancer take it's course.

I have been thinking about what I am suppose to do with this second chance at life. What one person can really do to help make a difference in a disease that most oncologist in this country never give their patients the options (other then chemo) to help in giving them more time, or another chance at life. It makes me mad. The longer I go in this disease and the closer I am to being cancer free I think about all the senseless deaths that may have happened because oncologist do not believe in the Y-90 treatment. I have to make a difference.  So, this morning I have emailed Dr. Phil and I have emailed one of the producers at CBS morning show... Attached is the email I sent to Ms. James with CBS.... 

Good Morning Ms. James,

How  do you  put into words something so amazing... that only your heart and soul can feel the full effects of a second chance at life?

  I am not just another person that has luckily survived liver cancer. I am not just another person that wants to be grateful to an amazing doctor that went above and beyond the call of medical duty to help save my life. I was told 7 months ago I would not be here today, and yesterday I was told that I have made the U-turn on curing my cancer. (AMAZING) I was advised  that my cancer is 98% gone inside of my liver. It's a miracle. The miracle isn't anything more than me choosing an option of treatment that is FDA approved for the last 10 years that 7 out of 8 oncologist told me not to do. You read that right I am 98% cancer free and I was told not to do the procedure! 

If I would have listened to the 7 oncologist that told me not to do the treatment I would either be in hospice or  buried under the ground right now. That is a FACT. I was given at most 12 months to live with chemo and for my doctors that I chose to see, that was long enough of a life left for a single mother of a 6 year old, that was not good enough for me. I was not going to accept a death sentence at least not without trying every single option I had to save me life. The more I express into words how all of this impacts my life, the more I want to scream and shout for joy. 

The treatment option I chose is called Y-90. It is where an interventional radiologist (mine is Dr. Abbas Chamsuddin) goes into your main artery in your leg with a catheter and shoots microscopic radiation beads directly into each of the tumors.  This procedure has been FDA approved for the last 10 years and yet oncologist do not like the treatment. First off, it has not damaged my liver at all. The thing it has done is... it has gone into the right side of my liver after 2 treatments and has gotten rid of the cancer that was ultimately going to kill me. I can't understand why any doctor would not want this outcome for their patients, especially when the patient has no chance at survival otherwise. Makes no sense to me. In my opinion it should be mandatory that every oncologist in this country gives their patients every option of saving their lives, and to allow the patient to ultimately make the choice of whether or not they want to try and save their own lives.  I was seeing an oncologist at Piedmont Hospital, he was a tender and gentle man up until the day that he told me that I was in denial of my disease. I am sorry for believing in myself for stepping outside of the box and doing what I wanted to do to try and save my life. The compassion I had once felt in his care I no longer felt any of that... That's why he isn't my doctor, besides the fact that he told his secretary to tell me if I did the Y-90 he would no longer treat me. I let that relationship go that day, and I am living proof that he was wrong in making the decision for me not to do the Y-90. If I had listened to him, I would today be another of his beautiful dead patients that didn't mean enough to him that  he went the extra mile to try and save. I think it should be mandatory for a doctor to give their patients all the options. I think it would only be fair!

I had never been faced a day personally with cancer before I got sick. I have seen what this disease will do to a person and a family. I have an amazing family that has supported me all the way. I write a blog about my journey a very personal blog about the up's and down's, the fear and victories... of this disease. I didn't want to be one of those people that other people whispered about, I wanted to share a journey that could help others see the disease and other things in life in a new light that maybe they had not thought about before. 

In closing. my request to you is... I am  asking you to do a story on liver cancer. Doing a story on not a person with a miracle... but a person that has beat the odds in hopes to help others see more options than they may have been given. It's a gamble writing to you, but I know that I can make a difference in the world.

 I know that I have the most amazing doctor that went above and beyond to do what he could to save my life. He has sat down with me and my family and looked us in the eyes and never given me a sense of false hope, but what he gave me was the chance to change life and that is all anyone can hope for. 

Who knows he may be able to save the life of someone you know one day! When I got sick, every one I knew kept telling me, "You are not going to die Christy, it's not your time" I felt that in my heart I felt that I wasn't going to leave this earth now. I had a message of hope and passion to spread to others. I have a victory that thousands of people are standing on the sidelines cheering me on like I was something more than just a hard working single mother from Atlanta GA!  I have a voice and I demand it to be heard no matter what lengths it takes me to in life. Because this is a much bigger and broader story than just being about me, it's about a large majority of people in the world that may never get the chance hear my story of hope for themselves and their loved ones.  My insurance company denied the procedure, which they said it was investigational, it's not, it's FDA approved. I had to pay $15,000 to the hospital for the first Y-90 treatment. Dr. Chamsuddin went to bat personally for me calling the insurance companies medical director, he said "If this was your sister you would not deny this procedure" The medical director response was "It's not my sister, and don't bring her in this" That says a lot. I am taking different measures with this about denying the coverage. This story for me isn't about it getting paid for and if it was approved or denied... This story is about SAVING more lives! 

I hope my story touches your heart in ways that you will want to help me in making a difference for others. 

I can be reached directly at 770-714-8454....

My blog is located at:  http://dontcryformeprayforme.blogspot.com/2014/02/blog-1.html

I have also included  two  pictures of myself. A face with a story is always a clearer picture.

I know that I can make a difference. And I know that the answers is ALWAYS     "NO" unless you ask. I will keep asking. I will keep trying to make sure someone hears my story and that it touches them enough to want to spread the message of hope in the lives of people that generally are given no hope at all. 

Thank you again for reading and sharing my story... I want the world to know this isn't just a bout me and saving my life... It's about giving hope and life to others that may not have had the option of knowing about their choices. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me.....