Blog #1

On Wednesday  night, I was hurting in my right side and in my back. The pain wasn't horrible but it hurt, and some thing just wasn't right. I knew that and as I continued to be awoken through the night with the pain , I knew I needed to get in and see the doctor. I kept taking hot baths and just hoping the pain would just go away, and it never did. At 6:30 A.M.  I forced myself to get up, get dressed, and drive myself to the hospital. I was thinking kidney infection, or something of that sort.

I was taken back into a room immediately, within 5 minutes the doctor was in there, and said he would be back after speaking with me about the pain for a few seconds.In no time in walks a radiology technician sayings she was taking me back for a CT Scan.  The scan didn't hurt, didn't last long, but as I laid there on that table, I was worried. Anytime you have pain in your side and back, anyone would be concerned about what's going on with their body.

After getting back to my room the nurse walked in and said she was going to take my blood. I joked and said "I was hoping you weren't going to have to do that" she laughed and said "Everyone says that" I waited another thirty or so minutes and another doctor walked in, he sat down, he just had a weird look on his face, I could see something in his eyes, and it frightened me.  He said "Good news is no kidney stones, and your blood work looks really good." He sat there a second, and I could see a tear in his eyes, and I said "You have bad news for me, don't you?" He looked at me surprised and said "How do you know I have something bad to say?" I didn't want to say he had it written all over his face, so I simply said "I don't know why, I just do" That is when he had tears rolling down his face and said that there are so many nodules all over my liver. I began to cry, I begged him not to tell me that. I sat there without even knowing what to think or what to say, as I reached for my phone and started calling my brother as I dialed I said "I can't comprehend this, you have to talk to my brother. I handed him the phone when he answered as he proceeded to tell my brother that it was really bad and I have liver cancer. I'm not sure what my brother said but the doctor handed me the phone back as my brother said "I couldn't hear him" I think it's because a knife went through his heart in that second as it did for me and nothing else could be heard nor understood. It was one of those moments in my life that I will always remember, the moment that took every bit of life inside of me, and crushed my soul and heart in one second with that horrible word "CANCER"

My brother, sister, brother in law, and daughter all met at the office. We talked and cried and just sat there not knowing which direction we could go, what the outcome of this horrible news would bring to our lives. It was longest times of my life in silence on the outside in a room full of people and the inside of my mind was racing, thinking about my girls and grandson. The thought of not being there with them all the rest of the days of their lives was killing me inside.  I couldn't think of anything else in those first few hours but that I was dying. As the word spread and people were calling and saying they were praying for me I was grateful, but I was also just numb to it all. I wasn't sure that I was even going to wake up the next morning. As the day went on,I was able to wrap my head around more of the situation, and I knew that no matter how scared I was, and how bad or not bad this cancer was, I had no choice but to fight for my life. The more messages I received from people saying the same thing over and over from hundreds of people about "I am the strongest person they had ever known in their whole life, and how if anyone can beat cancer it was me" I knew in those moments that I read those words how right they all were. I am the strong person for everyone else, I give so much to others and never ever take anything in return. I love the people in my life, my friends, my family mean the world to me, and I know through all of the words of encouragement they have given to me that I can beat this. I could not even attempt to beat this without all of the love and support I have been shown and given. It has amazed me of the outpouring from people for and about me.

I saw an oncologist on Friday morning, my brother, sister, daughter, friends Ashley, Aaron,and Tonya all went back into a room and sat there waiting for the oncologist to come in and give us some answers. I think the doctor was a little surprised to see us all in there. She answered questions, told me how healthy not only I am as a whole but how healthy my liver and blood work are. She gave us reassurance and much needed words of hope  for the future, she even said this may not even be cancer, from the paper work it is bad all the things on and in my liver but that I am in great shape and treatment is available. She is doing a biopsy on Tuesday of the liver and it will give the answers we need to move forward. There is a process to this madness called CANCER,  so unfamiliar to me and almost everyone that I know. I just know that I will get the best treatment and I know no matter how big, small, or non existent this disease is inside me, I am loved and I will get the best and most urgent care in this world to save my life. I want you all to please pray for me, but I want you to also pray for my family and friends. The people that have taken me into their hearts and souls through all the good and tough days in my life and strengthened me with their love and support!

It's not that I see life differently, I just have a clearer vision of how precious life really is. I have said numerous times on facebook, don't cry for me, pray for me. That's what I need the most. I am feeling pretty good, my energy is great, my attitude is in check. I can't deny it would be easy to hide away from the world, cry my eyes out, and dwelling on what could be. But, I am strong and I have to attack this disease harder than it is attacking me and know that I can win this battle. Mind over matter.