Blog #59.. Spin the Bottle & Halloween!

I'm so grateful to be here and alive   . I am so glad that I have been able to overcome something that should have and would have taken my life... if I had given it half a chance. Yesterday, I got a call from one of the oncologist that told me previously (the last time I saw him in mid May) I was in denial of my disease... One that told me not to do the Y-90 as it is the last chance alternative after trying the chemo. When the lady called and said I had a $50.00 outstanding balance, I wanted to say tell Dr. So So that he could write that off, because he almost caused me to lose my life several months ago, and he owes me and  not me owing him a thing. I didn't say a word. I have a plan when this next pet scan comes back and all the tumors are gone in my liver I'm setting up some appointments with these oncologist and their closed minded ways and take the proof of what can happen if you open your mind to other possibilities. I am sure he knows that I am angry with him and I think that I might have a chance at proving some things to these doctors and maybe they will be willing to save more lives. The oncologist that I saw that told me I would be dead in 12 months needs to see and believe in what I have done before they will ever recommend it for anyone else. I have a purpose in all of this and believe me I am going to fulfill my purpose!  

I had a little set back on Tuesday night. Every bone in my body hurt, my throat, my back, and every where. I went to the see the oncologist on Wednesday they gave me half a bag of fluids and a z pack prescription for antibiotic's They worked and I am feeling much better. I had a fever and it's never a good thing when a cancer patient has a fever. I haven't had but that one this whole time and besides the side effects of the chemo and a little stomach aches I am doing pretty good with staying healthy. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I stay away from people and crowds. 


 Today is Halloween, it's one of my favorite holiday's. I just love seeing all the costume's and the joy of the children's faces, especially my own children. I decided to record a message (click link below to watch the video) this morning. I was just sitting here at my desk, thinking about all the things I have to be thankful for and I know that this second chance at life I have been given is my greatest blessing of a life time. 

 https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10205088424240850&l=2249421424115403032


When I was a child my mother never took us out trick or treating except to the houses of the people we knew and she still checked the candy , as if someone we knew so well would try and poison us. Makes me laugh now. My mama was a worrier, and I see that so much in myself as well. I remember we would get out of school, walk down the hill home, and be in our costumes waiting for our mother to get home and take us to the 5 houses. We never got a lot of candy. I remember one year I got to go to a Halloween party and trick or treating afterwards. That is the first time I heard anything about spin the bottle. I remember I had to go into the closet and kiss someone, I just can not remember who it was. I remember the game just not the kiss. LOL ... I felt so big that day, I found a new independence when I got to go with my friends and get candy from a stranger.  All I really can remember is that one time doing that. It was enough. Memories are great. I hold so many memories in my mind, some are tucked away so far that it's almost as if I have forgotten them until something special triggers my mind and the memories come flooding outward. 


When Evan was a baby she would say "Happy Hallowing" Always made me laugh and now I say it to her, and she thinks it's stupid that I do it. I don't care some things just will always make me laugh.  Tonight we are going to be in our own neighborhood for the first time in Evan's little life. We always go to my sisters house. the problem is my sisters kids run off and leave her for  their own friends. Evan  is growing up and wants to be in the neighborhood where her own friends are. I understand, it makes me a little sad to break our tradition but we do what makes our children happy. Evan's father and sister are coming over and going with her too. Should be a great night! 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. 

Blog #58... My incredible REWARD~!!!

Last Wednesday… I saw my oncologist; I was not feeling well at all. I was having all kinds of stomach issues, so much pain in my abdomen that he said he could hear the roaring without even using the stethoscope. He agreed that I didn't need to do chemo that day, he asked when my next procedure was going to be, I told him Dr. Chamsuddin would be back on the 10^th of November and he was planning on getting the last fraction of the tumor on my liver with the chemo and burning the one spot on my lung when he returned.

  Dr. Carter said I could take a break from the chemo until after the next procedure.  That was music to my ears! I was happy to hear I could get a 3 week break, and allow this worn out, damaged body of mine to heal a little and rebuild itself for the next round of procedures and chemo treatments.  In the meantime they were concerned about my pancreases, as it was very tender in that area and Dr. Carters PA order a pancreases blood test to rule out pancreatitis.  I was stressing for days over that test. Who wants something else to go wrong when you are fighting one monster, I worried until Friday when the PA called and said my pancreases levels were a little elevated but it was not anything to worry about.  Dodged that bullet, and I was a happy girl. My cancer marker also came back it went from 287 to 278. Not down much, but hey… it went down and didn't go up and that’s what being cured is all about.

Friday I felt good, Saturday & Sunday I felt awesome. I felt like me again, it brought tears to my eyes several times over the weekend. Just the fact that I felt like getting out of the house, and doing things that I had not done since I found out I was sick . The joy of not hurting,  and not having to sit down because I was tired. The happiness of realizing that how bad I have felt over the last 6 months is not going to last forever. That when it’s all done and I am through with all the procedures and chemo that I will feel good again. I needed that reminder. I needed to feel good again to reboot me for the next rounds of procedures and chemo. I told someone over the weekend I felt like feeling this good was my reward for all that I have been through so far.  It’s mentally hard to go through all that I have been through. Your mind can play tricks on you. Not that you want it to… it’s just that it gets so involved in what is happening in the now and it’s like it wants you somehow to believe that you will always feel this way. I know now I will not  and I am so blessed to have had such a good weekend. I almost forgot that I am a cancer patient … I don’t think I could ever forget all the way but I allowed myself to put it on hold in my mind and enjoy the happiness that the weekend offered.

Saturday, I took Evan and Landon to my friends little girl Christen’s birthday party. They had a blow up jumpy and those two monkeys had the time of their little lives playing with the kids and just being outside on such a gorgeous day.  Landon did not  spend the night because when it gets dark and bed time he wants his mommy or daddy so I told him I would pick him up the next afternoon for the other birthday party on Sunday.  Saturday night we went to my friend Tonya’s Halloween party it was a lot of fun and the kids had a blast on the hayride.  Sunday we met some special friends at Mellow Mushroom for lunch, went to the other birthday party and once again enjoyed a hayride.  Then we ended the weekend at a church carnival, where the kids had a great time playing games.  When we first got to the carnival we decided tot do the cake walk, well Landon and I did, Evan wasn't having any part in it. After the first go round, the music stopped, the announcer called #25 and there was Landon standing on the 25. He won the cake walk and his face in that moment he won was priceless. I had no down time this weekend and to be perfectly honest, I didn't need it. 

The weekend was awesome. I spent it with two of the people that mean the most in the world to me.  All weekend at random times out of the blue my little girl would come up to me and ask “Mama, you feeling okay?’ I could honestly tell her that I was… But, each time she asked me I would think about what the question truly meant. How much this disease affects my sweet and innocent little girl’s life too, she worries about me …probably more than anyone else in this world. She sees the every day in and out of this disease and it truly almost breaks my heart that she has to see it and deal with it. I know that she strong but no little 6 year old should have to be this strong. What other choice do I have? I have to be a mother, I want to be her mother, sick or not, I want her with me all the time. She is what keeps me going at times. She loves me unconditionally and for me that is my REASON to fight for my life.

When I am well, she is going to be so happy … We are going to do all the things we have been missing out on over these last 9 months. I have an agenda. I want to be done with all my procedures and chemo by the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. I am hoping that that is realistic. 2/6/2015 I want to be cancer free. I want to be back to my life and full force in accomplishing any and every goal that I set forth for myself.

I tell Evan all the time that every single day mama is getting better (whether or not I believed it at the time) I just know that God is with me. That all the people that pray for me, support me, encourage me, and care about me is what is saving my life. That I have a purpose in life, I never knew what it would be and I am not sure that I know how to go about what I feel is my purpose but I know that I want to give hope and guidance to other people facing the same fate that I was told I was facing.  Liver cancer isn't always a death sentence. I want that clear pet scan so I can send a letter to every single one of the oncologist that gave me no hope

except for chemo and 12 months to live that if they would open their minds and hearts to something new and could possibly save more of their patients lives.  The old school way of medicine isn't the most inventive or life saving way of handling patients and their cures. Every time I tell someone how Dr. Chamsuddin tells me all the time I am not suppose to be here, it tears me up. It’s those words that I mean I should be dead by now that rip me up inside. I chose the route I felt right in my heart about. I chose the doctor that I felt would give me the best chance at my life, and I rolled the dice. Something I knew nothing about, I researched on the internet but you really never know the side effects or the outcome until you try something. I was willing to try anything to save my life and that gamble brought me right here… so far… 98% cancer free. The u-turn of my cancer…and the chance at a long and happy life. I am blessed, I am amazed, and I am forever grateful!

After this little break and feeling so darn good that I have been rewarded with I am ready for another battle. Another chance at getting cancer free…. and being given a chance that most people are not given. I wish I could make every day for the rest of my life perfect. Life doesn't work that way… We all have our good and bad days we take them as they come and we make the best of what we have to do. So, I am not waiting on the chemo until after the procedure. I have my next appointment a week from today and I think that I am going to tell him lets do the chemo next week again. I don’t want to chance this monster spreading and there is a reason behind why I do the chemo … I am revived and ready to start again. Life is always about the little breaks to rebuild yourself and to keep going no matter what all you have going on in life. That’s why the work week is 5 days a week with a 2 day break.

I wanted to post the pictures of the weekend. These are the moments of my life that mean the most to see these two so happy and enjoying the day. This journey is hard but these moments of happiness make all that pain worth every second I have endured.

Don’t cry for me…. pray for me….

Blog #57... Don't hurt my feelings....

It was  a tough weekend. I did the fluids, thinking that it would help with the side effects of the chemo. The only thing it did was make my inner gut  hurt worse. It made me feel. so  full and I felt like I could be one of those balloons hanging on the wall at the fair, that you throw the metal arrows at and pop the balloon for a prize.Except there was no prize at the end of this game.  I was in pain and there seemed to be nothing I could do to make the pain go away. So, I laid there all day Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I would take my pain pills and just sleep on and off as much as I could. 

The chemo gets me every time. There is nothing that seems to make me feel better. I got a new prescription filled on Saturday which cost me $220.00 and the only thing it really did was give me a headache... something I really had not had before now. So, I guess you can assume I will not be taking that medicine again.  It is suppose to help with the digestive system where the pancreas is slacking, I would rather just suffer through all that than I would adding any other side effects to this horrible disease

 On these days that I am bed , I am not able to get up and do anything to myself. No makeup, no wig, no clothes ...other than pj's no nothing just brush my teeth, eat what I can and drink as much as I can. I get up and take hot baths and as I pass myself in the mirror I avoid looking at that person that I no longer recognize. She is not the person I was 8 months ago, mentally, physically, nor emotionally. I still see parts of myself in the mirror when I am fixed up but I don't like the part of me I see when I am not. Call me selfish and vain, I don't care, When you step into my shoes and you feel the every day fighting for your life you would understand it too! 


I was telling my brother in tears today (which I always feel bad when I have those breakdown moments and he is the one I am sharing with, because he really doesn't know what to say) ...that it's almost as if when I am feeling good enough to get out of the house, I need to go places where I don't know anyone. Where someone is not looking at me, judging me and saying you need to gain some weight, you are too skinny. I swear I don't think I can take another person saying that to me. I feel judged by a disease that is doing the best it can to take my life away from me, and I have to stand there in front of someone telling me how skinny I am. Don't judge me. Don't judge anyone. If you don't have something nice to say to me, don't say anything at all. It's hurtful .. It hurts me and makes me cry, not that I would dare let the person see that, but it does. I have to live my life so far from the way I use to and it's so not fair the way I have to justify myself and my weight. I don't ask for anyone's opinion and unless you are sick or have been through what I am going through you have no idea how hard of a battle this really is. I cry enough... I don't need the hurt from other people to make me cry too! All my family and friends I talk to about this make excuses for people, there is no excuse. I am giving this battle 150% of myself. I focus every single moment of my life on getting better. I do things I don't want to do but I do them because I want to live. I want to see my baby grow up.

 I don't want to lose this battle! I cry because the chemo takes me to the brink of heartache every single week I do it, and  when I get up and feel better I am so happy. Then.... someone always hurts my feelings. I am not a punching bag. I am a strong woman but I am only as strong as my heart and soul will allow me to be. Now... I wish we would not have put off the next procedure until 11/10 I wish we would have done it last week. I want this nightmare to end. I want to be in remission. I beg God every single night to save me. To heal me from this pain, this misery, this scariest thing I could ever go through in my life. I want to be on the other end of this disease helping others. 

I know this isn't just happening to me, it happens to so many people when they get sick, they get the same crap they have to deal with, with other people that generally have nothing to do with their inner circle of support and friendship. . I just know that until you have cancer  you have NO IDEA how it feels. Even my doctors have no idea how this feels.The mental stress of this disease is tough. I called a friend today that lost her mother a couple of years ago  and all I could do was cry and apologize to her that I had not been there for them more because first hand I know what it feels like. I would have never known that if I had not been sick, and that's a shame. 

I am up at work today. I don't feel normal but I felt good enough to come in and do my job. It always makes me smile to be able to get out of the house and come to work. I was a workaholic. I love my career and I am so grateful to the families that are my clients that stand by me and support me through this difficult time.  I am fortunate that I can work and make a living from home and/or at the office.  

Things are going to get better. I am done crying over something someone else has said, but listen don't hurt people. Think about the things you say before you say them. It's not even about me being sick it's just showing compassion and concern for your fellow friend!  

Don't cry for me pray for me... and don't say I am SKINNY! 

Blog #56... Little Black size 0 dress and heels.

I went for my chemo treatment  yesterday and I met with the PA before my treatment, to just go over how things are working for me.  To see if  there is anything I might be needing.  I told her again about the way the chemo puts me down for three days, a couple of days after taking the treatments and I asked if there was anything I could do to curb those symptoms. She replied I could come in on Friday mornings and have fluids, that it helps so many other patients not to have those symptoms. Here is my view on this.. I have shared these same concerns each time I meet with the PA or the Oncologist and tell them this same things over the last 5 months and why in the world would they  not have suggested that before now? It was encouraging that I can do it and it may make all the difference in the world in my life, and then it makes me mad because they could have been doing this all along for me. Why have I had to suffer through this for 5 months when I might not needed to? Especially since I am one of those patient's that is on top of my medical care and try my best to stay on top of and understand what is happening in my recovery. UGH! 

I should just be grateful to have the chance to change the way it makes me feel but I can not help being a little ticked off about this. I am fighting so hard to heal myself from this disease ... And a lot of my depression and frustration has come from me  having to spend so much time in bed recovering from chemo. I understand and can accept the procedures putting me down and out but not the chemo. I just have to count my blessings and not be bitter about any part because no matter the pain or the down time what I have been doing is working for me. And for that  I am grateful. I hope tomorrow's fluids make all the difference in how I feel and that I can have my weekends back to do the things I want to do with my little girl, and for myself when she is gone to her dad's on those weekends. 

The disease isn't easy and if I can share my story to maybe help someone else one day than it's worth the time and attention I give in sharing.

Last night ...I went to the funeral home to pay my respects to a 91 year old wonderful woman. Mrs. Garner that had been doing chemo across from me several times. A sweet lady that I barely got to know, but I felt like I had known her my whole life as it came to be that her granddaughters and I grew up together. I had chemo yesterday  and I was not feeling that well but I refused to allow that to stop me from going. I put on my new nice black Cache dress and heels, put on a little extra makeup and I felt like the old Christy Hicks. Well, the old 40 pound heavier Christy Hicks could not have fit into that dress size 0 but hey we can't have it all can we???? I like being skinny... Maybe not as skinny as I am but I hope that I can add a little more weight like Dr. Chamsuddin says and still fit into that 0 hot dress. 

Today, I feel good. I am up at work, I always smile on those days. I am not sure how I have managed to maintain my Insurance Business and continuously have grown my business this year. I think I am blessed in more ways that I can count, and even understand at times. Life is good. Life is full of mystery and surprises. It's how you face and deal with the changes in life as to how the outcome will be. 

A lot of this fight of mine has been my attitude. The attitude that I will survive. The attitude that I will not give up no matter how hard the road becomes. The attitude that I have so much to live for and for all the people that have taken the time to pray for me and the people that have taken their time to treat me during this difficult time in my life. 

Thank you all for reading my blogs and if you know someone going through chemo and having a tough time with side effects please suggest the fluids trick to them it may make all the difference in their life and recovery as well. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me..... 

Blog #55.. Taking a chance

CT Scan confirmed what I already knew, the 6 tumors that were treated are all gone now. Hooray! That of course didn't surprise me. I am just glad that there isn't much more left to do. There is one tumor that is close to my heart that the week of November 10th, Dr.Chamsuddin wants to treat  with direct chemotherapy, a pretty simple procedure. I wanted to have it done this week but to be honest, I am just now feeling good and I need a little more time to heal and just take so me time for Christy Hicks. Since May it has been a whirlwind of procedures and chemotherapy.  I have the one tumor left on my lung that needs to be addressed and apparently we are doing that one last. I'm sure that will be close to the middle of November too. And hopefully that will be the last procedure we have to do, then do a pet scan  and when it comes back clean,  take my last  round of chemo therapy... Glory day when that happens.. I will be continuously monitored, but fortunately throughout all of these procedures the cancer has not spread anywhere else and there have been no new tumors come up in my liver..... nor my lung and that makes for a great chance of me being and staying in remission. 

It's been hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I am almost free of this disease. I knew when I first got sick... that people do not live through liver cancer. And here I am 98% free of it's hold on me. I am winning the battle. I suppose I will remain  skeptical until I am cancer free. Until the day the pet scan comes back and there is nothing that lights up, then I will know and believe I beat this monster. 

I am one of the lucky ones, God brought me to the doctor that would do a pure miracle in my life, and I tell him all the time how grateful I am for him. I think to be honest he gets sick of me telling him but I want to make sure he knows... I deserve my life. I have been through more than 5 other people all put together. I have lived my life fighting for every thing I wanted and every thing I have gotten. The world has been cruel to me at times. I never questioned "why me?" when I got sick. I have always said I have been challenged in life,. I sometimes think God will be standing at the pearly gates when I get there one day and saying to me "You kicked ass in your life" I believe that because you know even with the odds always stacked against me I have come out of things being better than I was expected to be. I didn't grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth, mine was plastic...but you know what... I never allowed that from stopping me from being the best person I can be. I am a giver, even though my whole life I have been taken from I have still had a huge heart for others and that is something a lot of people can not say. I think that it's why it's so important to me to write these blogs, to share my journey, to reach out to people facing their own uncertainty and not to promise them everything is going to be fine with them, but to reach out to be a friend,  someone to talk to and someone to share their insecurities with. I am a pretty good listener. 

Life is funny, I say all the time that I have changed. I guess I see things through the eyes of a person that has been afforded a second chance at life, sometimes that totally overwhelms me. Makes me question what have I done so good in life that I deserve a second chance, and to be honest I think it's because I want it and I am willing to fight for it. I am willing to go beyond what I understand things to be and take a chance on something and hope that it worked for me as it has for other people. I have been blessed that my body has reacted so well to all the things we have been doing. I want the world to know that if I can be strong enough to risk it all, every one can. I would rather risk it all then sit back and do what it takes to live long enough until what I am doing doesn't work anymore and I die. Why not go for the gusto?  

I am happy. I am still in pain sometimes!  I will hate taking the chemo until the last time I take it and I will pray every night once I am off the chemo that I will never have to take it ever again... I get fussed at by Dr. Chamsuddin about my weight. I try and tell him that I eat three meals a day and he doesn't seem to believe me. I do eat, there are times when I seriously have to force food into my body and I do it because I know that without nutrition I wont heal and I could actually get sicker. I do my best to stay well and I do eat even when I don't want anything to eat even if it's only a few bites. I have had to push myself through this disease on so many levels. This disease could have taken my spirit easily. It could have sent me into a deep depression. And believe me there have been times when I have wanted to give up. The pain, the uncertainty, and just the simple fact that I am sick is enough to deeply hurt anyone. I would not allow any of that in my life, except for short periods of time . There are moments when I melt down. Moments where my fears overrule my logical thinking.Mainly it's when I see on social media every one out having fun on the weekends and I am stuck in my bed unable to get up and do anything because the last procedure or chemo treatment has gotten me down once again. I feel sometimes I ride a roller coaster, the up's are so awesome where I am feeling good again, feeling close to being who I once was, and then the low's hit and they sometimes truly hurt my heart. I get through them only to go through all of that over and over again. It's hard. I can not lie to you. It's a mental thing  for me, it's all about remembering how good it feels to feel good and how the feeling bad isn't going to last forever. 

I have people that encourage me. I have people that give up a lot of their time to be with me. To call, stop by, and just check on me. They have no idea how great it makes me feel to be so loved.  I am a proud person. I have always been a little vain about my appearance. I love clothes I use to shop for new clothes weekly, always walking around in heels, and being sexy. Right now, Olive Oil is sexier than I am. It's tough being like this... But I would rather be like this, than to not be here anymore at all. I have to accept myself for the way I am now and understand that my body will not stay this way forever. 

This disease is tough all around I struggle sometimes, but even people that aren't sick struggle. It's life we are to dealing  with the things that happen and hopefully when we come through our challenges we become better people. I know I am better since having cancer, I think I have shown a lot of people how simple and precious life really is. How we are not promised perfect health forever and how things can totally change for any of us on a dime. ....

Take chances in life without taking a chance... I would not be here today! 

Don't cry for me...Pray for me. I am blessed beyond words for the recovery and the prayers that I have been receiving from so many people. People I know and people I don't... 

Blog #54 ....Independence ....

Last night, I was meeting my working liver cancer group, we were meeting in midtown at Topflr, it’s a trendy little restaurant and what was so great about me going is... I drove myself there You have no idea what a huge accomplishment that is. ... I have always been independent and would drive any where at any time since I was 16 years old ....I have lost a lot of my independence with this disease...

Last night, I was driving down Ponce with the window down and my radio blaring in the wind as I drove to meet with some amazing people. It hit me as I was driving, I was alone. I was driving myself downtown and in the late afternoon to do something I wanted to do. It's a feeling I just can't explain, other than to know that since May of this year  I have pretty much been  confined to home, work, hospital, and doctors office. That has been my life and not doing the chemo this week has allowed me to find some energy and strength that I just have not had in months. The rush of feeling good enough to get out and do things is very exciting to me. I felt almost like a whole person again. I felt free. That my friend is worth all the suffering I have to go through to get my freedom and my life back... It's amazing that in these times that I have been able to pick myself up again, I can see more of the beauty and joys of life. I see the world differently. I see myself differently more than anything else. I hope that when the day comes and I am in """"remission""""" that I can get myself motivated to continue writing my book. I don't have the drive to do it right now. I will pull up my book every once in a while and write a little something. My heart just isn't on that and my mind isn't prepared to focus on it either right now. 

Tonight, I am driving Evan and me over to watch my niece, Georgia Ann, play softball. I have not gone to any of my sister’s kid’s games this whole year, and I tried to go as much as I could in the past. I hope Georgia will be surprised and happy to see us there. It's a stretch for me but I think that it's important to me to go and to enjoy the things I have always loved to do. I had planned on going so many times this year and when the time came I wasn't feeling good enough to go ... That has been painful for me too. To plan and want to do something and then have to back out because of how this disease makes me feel. Tonight cancer can kiss my ass, I am going and I will be cheering my sweet niece on to victory! 

In some ways your life truly becomes a prisoner to this disease. My life has revolved around getting better. About beating this monster and doing it with a vengeance... I don't regret that decision, in any way because I am fighting this to win. I am fighting this to rid my body of this monster 100% ... Nothing else will do for me  nor for Dr. Chamsuddin. .When I told my oncologist Wednesday that I could not do treatment because last week wore me out and I had just had another procedure done two weeks before, he looked at me and said "What's up with that guy, did he buy himself a new boat or something?" I laughed but to me it really wasn't that funny. I don't like being challenged about the decisions that I make. I do chemo with the oncologist office, and everything else is between Dr. Chamsuddin and I.... Hmmm!  I would go with the recommendation from the Interventional Radiologist long before I would go with what the Oncologist says any day! That is a fact..... At one of my appointments my oncologist said he would like to look at the pet scan on his system. I gave him the disc but it would not down load apparently on his old system, he said I would not know what I was looking for anyways. I found that odd. But, the radiologist is the confirmation of the cancer by biopsy or whatever form of confirmation they chose to use. I have learned a lot about medical systems and to be honest too many times the patients suffer and get misdiagnosed because someone has dropped the ball and those doctors are not the one's that suffer it's the patient and their love ones left behind. I simply know a little bit about this disease, I try to learn something new every day about the disease I have but there are so many different forms of cancer and so many different ways to treat certain things. I just know that I don't have the knowledge nor the education to make the life altering decisions for myself and therefore, I put my faith, hope, trust, and desires into a doctor that has been there for me and been fighting this battle beside me all the way. I think about the way I have been treated and cared for and I am so appreciative of all the chances I have been given to make things better for my life. 

I know Dr. Chamsuddin has a lot of patients. He has treated more than I could probably count; I just want him to know that I have to be the most appreciative one that he will ever have. My family loves him, we get tickled at him a lot especially the last time I saw him.  He came by my hospital room on second day, I was in the hospital and told me to go home, I told him I was being released by the doctor on the floor and was just waiting on him to sign me out ... He said "You need to gain weight or I am not going to treat you" I laughed and told him.... "I am not going anywhere I will stalk you, you are totally stuck with me" He laughed, we all laughed. I had not thought about the pressure I put on him writing my blog.. I am sure sometimes he will pull one up to read and roll his eyes at something I have had to say. I just know that without him and his incredible talents I would not be here. I would already be gone. I would be a distant memory in the lives of so many as my family cried for me every day.  When I first got sick I remember my sister calling me crying and telling me she wouldn't want to go on in life without me... Those things take your heart strings and can choke you up in a second. I know I am loved. I may not have always known that my whole life, but I know more than I have ever before now, I am and there is no greater feeling. I know through all that I have been through I will live much longer than we ever thought I would 8 months ago. I can still in my mind see that doctor’s face in the emergency room with tears in his eyes telling me I have liver cancer and it was really bad. I don't think I will ever forget that moment in my life. Those words and that morning were a life changer for sure. Nothing anyone had ever said to me before ever hurt that bad. It was painful. So painful that I would not allow myself to believe I would die. I have told myself throughout this journey that "I will not die” I am needed here, I have a 6 year old to protect and raise. Evan has been through every single day of this hell with me, but we both still wake up every day with a smile on our face, and we keep going. I love that little girl. When I was 40, single, and pregnant I questioned my sanity... and now I know that she's what keeps me going. She is my little rock.....

Life is short...... Today... is all we have and we may not always have that. It's never easy facing any tough things (decisions) in life. You make your choices in life and then you are left to face the consequences of those decisions, and most times it's not until years later when you are facing them. I have not always made the best choices in life, I smoked for many years, I worked harder than I guess I should have at times, I cared more about money, nice homes, and status than I cared about myself for many years. I have hurt other people and I have been hurt. I have always remained accountable for my actions and for the longest time I blamed myself for things that went wrong when I had nothing really to do with those things. I don't feel that way anymore. I close the past and for me I am looking into the future for my happiness. I have forgiven myself for all my wrong doings and that is all that matters. I just see so many people living in the past. So many people that suffer and blame themselves for everything that just isn't even worth worrying about. Happiness is a choice ... Happiness is so important for a good life... A carefree happy person will live a lot longer then a resentful and self inflicted pain person ever will. Let go and be happy! 

Don’t cry for me  … Pray for me…. Thank you all for your love and support ….

Blog #53... Lord.. I hope this day is good

Just a quick note. I am doing pretty good. Chemo last Wednesday was really rough  over the weekend and put me in the bed for several days . I missed out on the movie's with some good friends. But, I got my sister to come over and lay in the bed with me and watch Lifetime Movies all day and it totally lifted my spirits....

I wasn't able to get out of bed until Tuesday and I only worked half a day. I work wherever I am and I come into my office when I feel good enough to get out and about.  I saw the oncologist yesterday and talked him out of chemo for this week. I was just not feeling good and I know my body and what it could take and another round of chemo this week just wasn't an option. So next week we are back on the treatments again. In the meantime I am trying to rebuild my energy and be ready for the next round of whatever is in store for me. 

I have a CT Scan at Newton Medical planned for Monday at 9:00. It will show us how well the last procedure did  getting those 6 out of the 7 fractions of a tumor left. Hoping it got them all. I know for sure I have one more procedure to get the one that was left behind my liver and the other left on my lung. I was hoping that the chemo would get that one on my lung but after 5 months of treatment it hasn't gotten it at all. It's okay it will be gone soon enough. I'm so ready to hear what Dr. Chamsuddin has to say about the results. 

Tonight, I meet with my liver cancer working group. I am excited. We have had conference calls but tonight we all get to meet in person and I am looking forward to it. Anything I can do to help make a difference in the life of someone else with this horrible disease is what I want to be doing. I've had several people say I should worry about getting myself healed, I have been doing that for 8 months and I feel I am called to a higher understanding and giving for other people. Some people follow their hearts and some are just to busy worrying about themselves. I have a story of hope that most people facing liver cancer don't have and I want my story to be heard. It can make all the difference in the lives of other people and it gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling of stepping out and making my own difference in the world. 

Last week Evan (my 6 year old) came home and told me that her and her friends sit in the grass at recess and look for me a 4 leaf clover. It melted my heart.  Then several days later she said (so and so) said that even if we find a 4 leaf clover that it would not help your mama.Made me so mad. What is wrong with kids these days? I wonder if that little girl ever got a single day of nurturing in her life, because she has been so hateful for the last 2 years. Then... last night Evan came into my bedroom with a homemade card she had made and asking me how to spell best friends.  I looked at her and asked if the card was for me... She said "no, it is for so and so" I love Evan's sweet, caring, and forgiving spirit, she had long since forgotten how that little so and so hurt her feelings, but not this  mama! 

I have so many things to teach my daughter, I have so much left to say and do to help her live a long and happy life, and that is one of the main reasons I get up every day and fight this little monster that's been living inside of me. I want my daughter to be strong, secure, and confident in the person she is. She struggles sometimes and I know that is because it's so confusing with me being sick and she doesn't know how to express herself at times but to lash out and be mean to me. I laugh because I don't think that she even realizes how many times I have been through hateful attitudes in my lifetime. 

Things are moving forward. I got fluids yesterday and today I am feeling pretty good. Not great ...but good and hey, I will take that. It's so much better than feeling bad that is for sure! So my next blog post will be with posted results from the CT Scan. Praying for the best news possible. One of the hardest parts about being a cancer patient is seeing others with this horrible disease lose their battles. Each time it breaks my heart a little more. It's like we're in a club. We have the same fears, we get one another, and most times I have not met these people... it's just a bond that I could never put into words. We share our journey's with one another. The good and bad days of this diseases. It's painful to see others and to hear about them suffering. I could for that reason alone never be in the medical field.. no matter how much I would want to heal someone the pain of seeing or hearing about them losing their lives would be way to much for me to handle .....I wish I could put into words how much pain this disease has caused me. I don't know that I have ever hurt as much in my life, it hurt when I lost my mother 17 years ago. I see things so differently now. How the stupid things that use to hurt my feelings and would tear me down, don't really even hurt me anymore. I have become a selfish person through fighting this disease. I have become more dependent. I have lost so much of my independence. I have to have someone take care of me when I am down and out or I wouldn't be able to eat or have someone there to take care of Evan... It's tough it's tougher than tough,... I had no idea how painful mentally this disease could be until I got it. When I am free of it's chains I am going to be the person I have always wanted to be ... I have found comfort in some people and I have been beyond disappointed in others. I have heard more excuses in the last 8 months of why this and why that ... until I just want to burst out laughing in people's faces when they start that crap.  We do what we want to do. We are there for the people we want to be there for. We give to whom we want to give too. No one walks in this life alone and sometimes when you are faced with the things in life that hurt you, you understand what things should have meant to you in the times that they you were needed.  People come and go in life.  I can tell you in this time of my life the true and caring friends have stood out when I have needed them. Anytime I am having anything done they are there not leaving that hospital until the surgery is over and they know I am okay. I don't even think I tell those people enough how much I appreciate and love them. It feels good to know someone is out there waiting for me to wake up and they can see my face before moving on with their day. I don't know many people that would do that but I know the handful that do it every single time.  

I wish I could say when you get sick all you have to focus on is getting better, life doesn't work that way. Life still goes on and there are just a lot more things that need to be done to make sure the ship keeps sailing. 

I have had this song attached on my heart this week... I hope you will listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWKJJplYfNM

Don't cry for me Pray for me.. I believe... I am a miracle and I believe I can be the testimony for other peoples miracles in the future. 

Blog #52... Random thoughts....

Well...it's Friday... TGIF... I always look forward to the weekends, I don't do very much, I mostly just lay around and rest but... honestly that is the best thing for me right now. I sometimes get on FB and I see every one else out and about taking photo's and having a good time doing whatever they have planned for the weekend. I do get a little jealous, and wish I felt good enough to be out there doing those sort of fun things all my friends are.. But... then I think what amazing things I am doing.. I am getting cured from cancer. I am doing whatever it takes to be able to have a chance to do all those fun things in the future. Sometimes.. the future can not come quick enough. Seems just when I might be feeling good enough to get out and do something fun, I either have another procedure or chemo and then I feel like doing NOTHING.... But... Doing nothing is healing me and I have to keep reminding myself of that, almost on a daily basis. Sad but true. 

I was telling a couple of people yesterday that I was speaking with, when I first got sick and several months into this disease, I cried a lot. I would cry myself to sleep some nights. I would lay there and just feel sorry for myself .. For the mere fact that I was sick and I wasn't sure how bright of a future I had. I had been given such bad news from so many doctors... that I felt very helpless and hopeless and I kept fighting that off. I would only allow those  thoughts for a very short period of time, had my little pity party and I got up and kept going. What other choice did I really have? I wasn't really as sad for myself as I was for my family and friends that I knew would break their hearts if I didn't make it. That's a tough thing to really think about . It hurt so bad... that I almost could not allow myself to think about it. I could not imagine how bad it would hurt for them to say goodbye to me, and the sad part about death is life goes on. They would have to go on without me. I know that they would... but I am not sure that life would be the same for my brother, sister, my girls, and grandson if they lost me so quickly. It happens though, more times than not especially with this form of liver cancer. Liver cancer is a bitch. It's a toughie. 

 I have had so many people tell me that they don't think they could have done what I have done and been so determined and strong. Let me tell you this.. You never know how strong you can be until you are forced to be stronger than you ever knew you could be. This disease isn't easy. It causes me a lot of pain, it takes me down and out for several days in a row, it hurts my family and friends to the brink of insanity at times seeing me go through all the hard times. I have somehow been able to maintain my sense of humor about me. It isn't easy and sometimes I am just angry. Angry that it had gotten so far before I even knew I had the disease. Mad that I have so much to live for and this horrible monster tried it's best to strip that all away from me! I fight this invisible disease that I will never see. I know that it's there, but it's barely there anymore and God am I so grateful for that.  This last hospital stay my brother slept on a cot next to me at the hospital he was determined not to leave me. He was a trooper, they came and woke us up all hours of the night when we left the hospital we were both exhausted.  I know how uncomfortable that little so called bed was he was sleeping on and as many times as I offered him to go home and get some sleep, he refused to leave me there. He is a great brother. I think he knew this last procedure was a tough one and he wanted to be there. I was grateful ... 

I have been traveling  this road for only 8 months and 8 months almost feels like a lifetime. It's something I think of every day of these  8 months of my life. Not a day has gone by that I have not had it crossed my mind in one form or another. I try my best not to give the disease so much power in my life but I think sometimes it's understandable. As you battle and are forced to do things you have never done before a day in your life.. Take pain medicine, sleep more, lay around and relax instead of getting out and doing whatever fun you use to do, you are reminded by all the little knick's and cut's on my belly from all the procedure's to rid this horrible little monster from inside me! I see this skinny person in the mirror. 46 and forever changed in many ways from a disease. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror with my wig off. I walk by sometimes and catch my reflection in the mirror and think to myself .... "Who is this person?" I know it's me. it's just a totally different me. It does hurt sometimes... then I put on my little wig, make my face up as I always have, and I put that smile back on my face. It isn't easy having all these changes, I know sometimes I make it seem that way, it just isn't at all. I have my days I wish this wasn't my life, but I would not wish this on anyone else. Well, maybe... I will be nice! 

I avoid crowds. I avoid anyone that might be sick. I don't sleep with my little girl anymore to avoid germs. I am lost without the companionship that she has always brought into my life when I go to bed, and then I wake up and she has sneaked in my bedroom and gotten in bed with me in the middle of the night. I love waking up to her precious little face. The one person in this world that truly needs me more than anyone else ever will. At 40... having a baby was tough. But, I knew she would be my lifesaver and she has been more of a lifesaver than I could have ever imagined she would have been. I think I need her more than she needs me. She brings me so much joy and I just know that I have to be better not for me but for her, to give her the life that I brought her into this world to have. I have a commitment to her and I am determined to fulfill that ..... 

Things are moving along in my recovery. I had chemo on Wednesday, and hopefully it won't wear me down like it usually does... Yesterday, I didn't have to take any pain pills or Motrin and then today I am hurting no rhyme or reason for the pain, weird.  The book fair is at Evan's school, I told her I wasn't going to be able to go, but I think I will. I just am trying to stay out of the school for the obvious reasons with all the sickness and kids but I can not let my fears of those things hold me back from putting a smile on Evan's face this morning. So, I am going. I have to make choices that I never dreamed I would have to make. I hate it. Sometimes it makes me so mad, but what good does getting mad about those sort of things do, besides waste my time and energy. I just want to be well, I am almost there! I wish I had done these treatments when I first found out instead of waiting 3 months... but we have to find our own ways in things, I left no stone unturned and I made the choices that I felt were best at the time and that is all any of us can do. 

I am a proud woman, cancer warrior, and mother. I am fighter. I have fought my whole life for one thing or another. I will never be that weak coward that sits back in the corner waiting and hoping someone else will come along and fix everything for me! That never happens anyways. 

Life is short my friends. We never know what tomorrow will bring . 8 months ago in an instant my life changed forever.But let me tell you this.. My life has just begun. I am a better person. A stronger person. A more determined person than I ever was before and through this journey I have shared my story with people that hopefully can not only appreciate their own lives but can see through the sorrow of being sick and the strength to fight as hard as I can to save my life. It's a journey just like any and every thing else in our lives. We have to be strong to survive just about all the curve balls life throws our way! 

Update: I went to the book fair not only bought a lot more than if I would have sent $20 like the rest of the parents did. She is happy, she got what she wanted, and it put a smile on her face and that's worth more than any amount of money. I even stayed for lunch and it was pretty good. 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me!!! God hears and answers prayers every day all day long....... 

Blog #51... My amazing journey continues....

This morning, I took a "selfie" and posted it on FB (my blog photo) ... Caption read... "I'm like a timex watch.. I take a licking and keep on ticking"... It's the truth. I had another procedure last Wednesday, a week ago today, and the only time I have  stepped outside was when I was  leaving the hospital  coming home, until this morning. What a great day today is the cooler air, the beautiful sunshine, and the beauty of just being alive. I stayed in the bed most of the time, this past week. The pain was a little rough and I was just exhausted. I laid here many days thinking about all the things I needed and wanted to do when I was feeling better. If there is one thing I have learned about my body through all of this ... It's that your body can take a lot   and with a lot of  resting and relaxation it  has a way of helping it heal as you are rebuilding yourself back up again. Thank God, I feel good today. 

Another successful and amazing procedure done by Dr. Chamsuddin at  Newton Medical Center, in Covington GA.  When I go for my procedures, I always  taken to the outpatient pre-op area to be prepared for the procedure. All the nurses there know me, know my story, and each time they see me, they are curious as to what that next step is. I feel special.  

The same fellow always wheels me from the pre-op area to the radiology area where my procedures are done. He is always encourage me along the path that I'm in good hands,because he knows I am nervous . Nice guy and I feel like we are old friends by all the times we have been walking these paths of the procedures together. I make it to radiology and there stands the incredible team of ladies that help Dr. Chamsuddin with the procedures. They are always so nice and caring. I feel like I am part of their team even though I am the patient, they don't treat me that way, by now I could almost do one of their jobs laying there watching what all they do to help in saving my life. Except they are the experts and besides I never wanted to work much less  be in the medical field in any form. 

The week before last I had my CT Scan and I decided that I wanted to just get them all a little something special. I went to Kroger for something and sitting there in full view were some African Violets, one of my mama's favorite plants. I picked out the prettiest 8 and had them all sitting in a box top and surrounding the flowers I filled in the holes with every kind of candy I could find. I bought a simple card, as I just wanted all of them to know (all the people that help in the procedures), pre-certing the procedures, and scheduling me, just how grateful I am for what they do and how they mean a lot to me as well. Sometimes... it isn't the price of a gift, it's the heart felt love and caring that you give with a gift. For me the african violets mean a lot in my life, they always touch my heart when I see one and the people I gave them to may never know the significance of my gift, but I do and that is what counts. 

I was put to sleep, and when I woke I remember seeing and hearing Dr. Chamsuddin talking to me, he had come into recovery room  to check on me but was so foggy from the procedure and being put to sleep that it almost felt like a dream  .... I asked him later if he came he said yes... I asked "Why were you talking to me because I don't remember a thing?" he looked at me, the way he looks at me when he thinks I am being silly or goofy and said "All you said was blah blah blah,... You were out of it" I laugh and thought  to myself "No duh!" 

 I don't remember recovery, I could not tell you who the nurses are or what they even do for me, I can not remember any of the times that I have been there but I know they must take good care of me because I always wake up ..upstairs in a room with a nurse there offering me a pain shot... They in those moments become my best friends. My night nurse for two nights in a row.. he was great. Poor thing he had done something to his leg and couldn't walk very good at all. I told him to get a wheelchair and he could use it to get up and down the halls better to take care of his patients. He laughed and said he should "He didn't"  Even though he was hurting he came to help me with whatever it was I needed and he was AWESOME.. My day nurse and the student nurse were awesome as well. They were totally on top of my pain and were always available when I needed them. They did a great job taking care of me. The nurse that came on shift ... the day I left was great herself. She was cheerful, and so eager to work and help me. When she got the call she had another patient coming to the floor she was thrilled.  When nurses are happy to have more patients you know they are a good nurse.

 I had all kinds of people that work in the hospital come by and see me. To see if there was anything I needed. I felt like a celebrity but I can honestly say they weren't just on that floor to see me, they were there to see all the patients. That means a lot. To have good care. And to know that if you need something and you push a button that they will come immediately means a lot. I feel very secure and cared for from the procedures that Dr. Chamsuddin does to that entire staff at the hospital. Newton Medical Center may be small but it's full of  a lot of care and concern  for it's patients. It's forever my first choice of hospitals to go if I am in need of any medical needs I may have. Who would have thought a local hospital would have something so amazing to offer me that NO other large well known hospital would even consider offering me something that could save my life. Think about that I went to Emory, Piedmont, and to MD Anderson and every one of the doctors at those facilities told me to take chemo and die. Hell no.. I want to be 100% cancer free so I can be one of those people that is in their face telling them to stop being so shallow in their belief's and give their patients a chance at life. I would rather have a chance at life than the no chance at life they all gave me. Sad but it's the honest to God truth. I went outside of the box, to a local hospital and I got the treatment and care that I wasn't offered anywhere else and the chance to have a long life. I have to say who wouldn't chose Newton Medical and Dr. Chamsuddin over these big box hospitals that have these doctors treating patients that who knows how many lives they could have saved and chosen not to. 

This morning at 3:30 my beautiful 6 year old came in my room, got in my bed, and snuggled up next to me so much that she knew it would awaken me. I asked her to look at the clock and tell me what time it was, as I was hoping it was nowhere close to 6:30.... because I was still so very tired. When she turned over and told me what time it was, I wanted to be mad she had woken me up, but I was just so happy that I could make her go back to sleep. I asked her if anything was wrong... That's when the tears started pouring out of her little eyes and she told me about the $50 American Girl jacket she lost at school yesterday and about the library book that disappeared from her desk. Neither of those things upset me, they upset me because she was upset but nothing money can buy these days really matters much to me, and they could both be replaced. I found it odd that she waited until 3:30 in the morning to tell me, but we laid in the bed, made up silly songs, laughed, tickled and giggled like 2 children and it did my heart good. I knew at 3:30 this morning today was going to be a much better day, I got up, took her to the school. found the expensive little jacket in lost and found and went to the library to pay for the book and the librarian said she was not worrying about that book and we will deal with that much later in the year, it usually turns up. Evan wasn't with me to know the outcome of paying for the book but she will be happy when she gets home to realize that it wasn't a big deal.... I told her this morning, I am the mama and if things go wrong I want her to come to me, I am the one that is going to fix things and that there was no reason for her to worry about anything. A lesson learned and that takes me to the thought of how lucky and blessed I am to still be alive to experience these life lessons with my child. Fighting this battle has changed who I once was ....and who I might have been in the future, that's for sure. 

I have to stop writing I have chemo today (not my favorite part by far) I do what Dr. Chamsuddin says and if I didn't he said he wouldn't treat me anymore... The other day I told him he was never getting rid of me... I would stalk him... LOL.... We have a partnership and a life long friendship.. A story for us to tell and lives to save... He could never get rid of me!

 Dr. Chamsuddin when you read this as much as a pain as I can be... I want you to know  ... I think you are the bomb!! You are doing great things in the medical field...I  know that you have chosen the path in life you were meant to travel...Thank you for everything. Brings tears to my eyes to write this but I mean it from the top of my head to the tip of my toes you are amazing! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me.... Share my story of love, compassion, hope, and life because you never know who just may need to hear the story for themselves.