Blog #59.. Spin the Bottle & Halloween!

I'm so grateful to be here and alive   . I am so glad that I have been able to overcome something that should have and would have taken my life... if I had given it half a chance. Yesterday, I got a call from one of the oncologist that told me previously (the last time I saw him in mid May) I was in denial of my disease... One that told me not to do the Y-90 as it is the last chance alternative after trying the chemo. When the lady called and said I had a $50.00 outstanding balance, I wanted to say tell Dr. So So that he could write that off, because he almost caused me to lose my life several months ago, and he owes me and  not me owing him a thing. I didn't say a word. I have a plan when this next pet scan comes back and all the tumors are gone in my liver I'm setting up some appointments with these oncologist and their closed minded ways and take the proof of what can happen if you open your mind to other possibilities. I am sure he knows that I am angry with him and I think that I might have a chance at proving some things to these doctors and maybe they will be willing to save more lives. The oncologist that I saw that told me I would be dead in 12 months needs to see and believe in what I have done before they will ever recommend it for anyone else. I have a purpose in all of this and believe me I am going to fulfill my purpose!  

I had a little set back on Tuesday night. Every bone in my body hurt, my throat, my back, and every where. I went to the see the oncologist on Wednesday they gave me half a bag of fluids and a z pack prescription for antibiotic's They worked and I am feeling much better. I had a fever and it's never a good thing when a cancer patient has a fever. I haven't had but that one this whole time and besides the side effects of the chemo and a little stomach aches I am doing pretty good with staying healthy. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I stay away from people and crowds. 


 Today is Halloween, it's one of my favorite holiday's. I just love seeing all the costume's and the joy of the children's faces, especially my own children. I decided to record a message (click link below to watch the video) this morning. I was just sitting here at my desk, thinking about all the things I have to be thankful for and I know that this second chance at life I have been given is my greatest blessing of a life time. 

 https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10205088424240850&l=2249421424115403032


When I was a child my mother never took us out trick or treating except to the houses of the people we knew and she still checked the candy , as if someone we knew so well would try and poison us. Makes me laugh now. My mama was a worrier, and I see that so much in myself as well. I remember we would get out of school, walk down the hill home, and be in our costumes waiting for our mother to get home and take us to the 5 houses. We never got a lot of candy. I remember one year I got to go to a Halloween party and trick or treating afterwards. That is the first time I heard anything about spin the bottle. I remember I had to go into the closet and kiss someone, I just can not remember who it was. I remember the game just not the kiss. LOL ... I felt so big that day, I found a new independence when I got to go with my friends and get candy from a stranger.  All I really can remember is that one time doing that. It was enough. Memories are great. I hold so many memories in my mind, some are tucked away so far that it's almost as if I have forgotten them until something special triggers my mind and the memories come flooding outward. 


When Evan was a baby she would say "Happy Hallowing" Always made me laugh and now I say it to her, and she thinks it's stupid that I do it. I don't care some things just will always make me laugh.  Tonight we are going to be in our own neighborhood for the first time in Evan's little life. We always go to my sisters house. the problem is my sisters kids run off and leave her for  their own friends. Evan  is growing up and wants to be in the neighborhood where her own friends are. I understand, it makes me a little sad to break our tradition but we do what makes our children happy. Evan's father and sister are coming over and going with her too. Should be a great night! 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. 

Blog #58... My incredible REWARD~!!!

Last Wednesday… I saw my oncologist; I was not feeling well at all. I was having all kinds of stomach issues, so much pain in my abdomen that he said he could hear the roaring without even using the stethoscope. He agreed that I didn't need to do chemo that day, he asked when my next procedure was going to be, I told him Dr. Chamsuddin would be back on the 10^th of November and he was planning on getting the last fraction of the tumor on my liver with the chemo and burning the one spot on my lung when he returned.

  Dr. Carter said I could take a break from the chemo until after the next procedure.  That was music to my ears! I was happy to hear I could get a 3 week break, and allow this worn out, damaged body of mine to heal a little and rebuild itself for the next round of procedures and chemo treatments.  In the meantime they were concerned about my pancreases, as it was very tender in that area and Dr. Carters PA order a pancreases blood test to rule out pancreatitis.  I was stressing for days over that test. Who wants something else to go wrong when you are fighting one monster, I worried until Friday when the PA called and said my pancreases levels were a little elevated but it was not anything to worry about.  Dodged that bullet, and I was a happy girl. My cancer marker also came back it went from 287 to 278. Not down much, but hey… it went down and didn't go up and that’s what being cured is all about.

Friday I felt good, Saturday & Sunday I felt awesome. I felt like me again, it brought tears to my eyes several times over the weekend. Just the fact that I felt like getting out of the house, and doing things that I had not done since I found out I was sick . The joy of not hurting,  and not having to sit down because I was tired. The happiness of realizing that how bad I have felt over the last 6 months is not going to last forever. That when it’s all done and I am through with all the procedures and chemo that I will feel good again. I needed that reminder. I needed to feel good again to reboot me for the next rounds of procedures and chemo. I told someone over the weekend I felt like feeling this good was my reward for all that I have been through so far.  It’s mentally hard to go through all that I have been through. Your mind can play tricks on you. Not that you want it to… it’s just that it gets so involved in what is happening in the now and it’s like it wants you somehow to believe that you will always feel this way. I know now I will not  and I am so blessed to have had such a good weekend. I almost forgot that I am a cancer patient … I don’t think I could ever forget all the way but I allowed myself to put it on hold in my mind and enjoy the happiness that the weekend offered.

Saturday, I took Evan and Landon to my friends little girl Christen’s birthday party. They had a blow up jumpy and those two monkeys had the time of their little lives playing with the kids and just being outside on such a gorgeous day.  Landon did not  spend the night because when it gets dark and bed time he wants his mommy or daddy so I told him I would pick him up the next afternoon for the other birthday party on Sunday.  Saturday night we went to my friend Tonya’s Halloween party it was a lot of fun and the kids had a blast on the hayride.  Sunday we met some special friends at Mellow Mushroom for lunch, went to the other birthday party and once again enjoyed a hayride.  Then we ended the weekend at a church carnival, where the kids had a great time playing games.  When we first got to the carnival we decided tot do the cake walk, well Landon and I did, Evan wasn't having any part in it. After the first go round, the music stopped, the announcer called #25 and there was Landon standing on the 25. He won the cake walk and his face in that moment he won was priceless. I had no down time this weekend and to be perfectly honest, I didn't need it. 

The weekend was awesome. I spent it with two of the people that mean the most in the world to me.  All weekend at random times out of the blue my little girl would come up to me and ask “Mama, you feeling okay?’ I could honestly tell her that I was… But, each time she asked me I would think about what the question truly meant. How much this disease affects my sweet and innocent little girl’s life too, she worries about me …probably more than anyone else in this world. She sees the every day in and out of this disease and it truly almost breaks my heart that she has to see it and deal with it. I know that she strong but no little 6 year old should have to be this strong. What other choice do I have? I have to be a mother, I want to be her mother, sick or not, I want her with me all the time. She is what keeps me going at times. She loves me unconditionally and for me that is my REASON to fight for my life.

When I am well, she is going to be so happy … We are going to do all the things we have been missing out on over these last 9 months. I have an agenda. I want to be done with all my procedures and chemo by the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. I am hoping that that is realistic. 2/6/2015 I want to be cancer free. I want to be back to my life and full force in accomplishing any and every goal that I set forth for myself.

I tell Evan all the time that every single day mama is getting better (whether or not I believed it at the time) I just know that God is with me. That all the people that pray for me, support me, encourage me, and care about me is what is saving my life. That I have a purpose in life, I never knew what it would be and I am not sure that I know how to go about what I feel is my purpose but I know that I want to give hope and guidance to other people facing the same fate that I was told I was facing.  Liver cancer isn't always a death sentence. I want that clear pet scan so I can send a letter to every single one of the oncologist that gave me no hope

except for chemo and 12 months to live that if they would open their minds and hearts to something new and could possibly save more of their patients lives.  The old school way of medicine isn't the most inventive or life saving way of handling patients and their cures. Every time I tell someone how Dr. Chamsuddin tells me all the time I am not suppose to be here, it tears me up. It’s those words that I mean I should be dead by now that rip me up inside. I chose the route I felt right in my heart about. I chose the doctor that I felt would give me the best chance at my life, and I rolled the dice. Something I knew nothing about, I researched on the internet but you really never know the side effects or the outcome until you try something. I was willing to try anything to save my life and that gamble brought me right here… so far… 98% cancer free. The u-turn of my cancer…and the chance at a long and happy life. I am blessed, I am amazed, and I am forever grateful!

After this little break and feeling so darn good that I have been rewarded with I am ready for another battle. Another chance at getting cancer free…. and being given a chance that most people are not given. I wish I could make every day for the rest of my life perfect. Life doesn't work that way… We all have our good and bad days we take them as they come and we make the best of what we have to do. So, I am not waiting on the chemo until after the procedure. I have my next appointment a week from today and I think that I am going to tell him lets do the chemo next week again. I don’t want to chance this monster spreading and there is a reason behind why I do the chemo … I am revived and ready to start again. Life is always about the little breaks to rebuild yourself and to keep going no matter what all you have going on in life. That’s why the work week is 5 days a week with a 2 day break.

I wanted to post the pictures of the weekend. These are the moments of my life that mean the most to see these two so happy and enjoying the day. This journey is hard but these moments of happiness make all that pain worth every second I have endured.

Don’t cry for me…. pray for me….