Blog #71 Make the most of every single day!

I'm just getting through another down weekend of chemo. I have my treatments on Wednesday mornings and by Friday mid afternoon, I am down and out in the bed! Yesterday, was Sunday 1/4/2015 and it was my oldest daughters 25th birthday. I had to force myself out of the bed yesterday to go out and celebrate her birthday. I could have asked to go one night this week, and I am sure that she would have understood, but I didn't want to miss her birthday. I have never missed her birthday in 25 years and just because I have this stupid cancer..... I refused to allow it to hold me back on living my life..... no matter how bad I felt. 

On the ride over to the restaurant I felt fine, I guess the 45 minute wait for a table and  having to stand most of the time and smelling all the different foods, I felt so sick. I had to get up from the table as soon as we were seated and hug the toilet in a public place (first time I've ever had to do this) I just could not hold back the nausea any longer and I did my best to not make a big deal of it. I wanted to  cry though, I wanted to get my food to go and get home and back in the bed. I fought the urge to do so and I made the most of what was not such a good feeling for me. Last night wasn't about me, it was about Sam and I wanted things to be as normal as I could possibly make them, even if I was suffering inside for it. There are times in our lives we have to look past ourselves and do what is right for others. Everyone all day kept telling me not to go, I wasn't listening. I had to go... I had to celebrate my daughters birthday and I had to prove to myself that I would not allow this disease to control my whole life, and I did it.. Accomplishment number 685... 

It's a new year and I am up and at work. Still not feeling great but better than I did last night. I am ready to get back to work full time. I am planning 2015 to be my most successful year in the Insurance business so far! Things have been going good. I had a great year last year considering all that I have been through. I have written 228 new policies in 2014 and I am  proud that I have done so well considering all that I have been going through. I appreciate all my clients and they know if they need me I am a phone call away! That's the great thing about doing business on my cell phone, I am always accessible! 

Seems a couple of times a week I am hearing about someone else coming down with some form of cancer or another.  It's insane. I share my knowledge to the best of my ability. I am certainly no cancer expert, but I do know a heck of a lot more now than I did a year ago. I think the initial shock of being told you have cancer is the one of the most heartbreaking things you could ever hear. Every single person fears cancer in their lives. It's not a reality until it hits your life in one form or another, whether it's you or someone you know and love that get's the dreaded news. My sister and I were talking the other day about chemo, she said "I had no idea what chemo was about until you got sick and I came with you that first time" I didn't either. I had no idea what to expect. I know the day of my first biopsy I was about to lose my mind. I know I had never been more scared a day in my life as I was that day. I was horrified. I wanted to be told it wasn't cancer, I wanted to believe that this was just a nightmare that I was going to wake from any second. Never happened. I was sick. I was very very sick and yet, all I could do was believe that I could beat this. That I was going to do every single thing I possibly could to save my life. I was willing to walk to the edge of insecurity to live my life. I was willing to risk it all , all the days I had left to live to have the chance to live a longer and better life than I had before the cancer. It was a risk. There was no certainty in the outcome of what my life was going to be. Each time I was put to sleep and Dr. Chamsuddin did his thing, I was at risk of not making it through the procedure. I knew that in the very back of my mind, but I didn't allow it to control my decisions. I wanted my life more than I have ever wanted anything else. I was willing to fight for it, I am still fighting for it, and I will succeed what should have been and celebrating in what is going to be... Me in remission.  

Attitude is so important. I always thought that was a crock before now. I thought how can you make yourself believe if you want something bad enough it will happen. I am now a true believer in that,  I believe anything is possible that you set your mind to. I think I am a PRIME example of that. 

Life is worth  living whether you are sick or not. It's about continuing to live your life no matter what you are facing. We all face problems in our lives. I had a friend on FB one day write something like "Wish I were anyone but me" I made a simple comment.... "I would be glad to trade places with you" I haven't seen her post another negative comment like that. It's all about us and our own accountability in life. There are a lot of people that always blame everyone else for their shortcomings. Please... we make our own decisions we chose what we do and no one can force us to ever do anything. Accountability is an important part of growing and learning in life. I take credit for all my own shortcomings, I have learned something from every single one of them. most of the lessons I have hated to learn and hated to accept. But, I am better for them all. 

Life is short.. Not a single person on this earth knows when it will be there last day here. I say make the most of every day whether you are diagnosed with a terminal illness or you are just fighting demons from the past. Today is a new day. 2015 is a new year... I am going to be in remission from a disease that was suppose to take my life... What amazing thing are you going to do?

FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE... IT'S WORTH EVERY SECOND OF THE PAN!!!!! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me!!!  So close to freedom of this disease and yet I continue to fight to make sure that I have the rest of my life to live. Be happy with you because sometimes you are the only person that can get you through to another day!
 

Blog #59.. Spin the Bottle & Halloween!

I'm so grateful to be here and alive   . I am so glad that I have been able to overcome something that should have and would have taken my life... if I had given it half a chance. Yesterday, I got a call from one of the oncologist that told me previously (the last time I saw him in mid May) I was in denial of my disease... One that told me not to do the Y-90 as it is the last chance alternative after trying the chemo. When the lady called and said I had a $50.00 outstanding balance, I wanted to say tell Dr. So So that he could write that off, because he almost caused me to lose my life several months ago, and he owes me and  not me owing him a thing. I didn't say a word. I have a plan when this next pet scan comes back and all the tumors are gone in my liver I'm setting up some appointments with these oncologist and their closed minded ways and take the proof of what can happen if you open your mind to other possibilities. I am sure he knows that I am angry with him and I think that I might have a chance at proving some things to these doctors and maybe they will be willing to save more lives. The oncologist that I saw that told me I would be dead in 12 months needs to see and believe in what I have done before they will ever recommend it for anyone else. I have a purpose in all of this and believe me I am going to fulfill my purpose!  

I had a little set back on Tuesday night. Every bone in my body hurt, my throat, my back, and every where. I went to the see the oncologist on Wednesday they gave me half a bag of fluids and a z pack prescription for antibiotic's They worked and I am feeling much better. I had a fever and it's never a good thing when a cancer patient has a fever. I haven't had but that one this whole time and besides the side effects of the chemo and a little stomach aches I am doing pretty good with staying healthy. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I stay away from people and crowds. 


 Today is Halloween, it's one of my favorite holiday's. I just love seeing all the costume's and the joy of the children's faces, especially my own children. I decided to record a message (click link below to watch the video) this morning. I was just sitting here at my desk, thinking about all the things I have to be thankful for and I know that this second chance at life I have been given is my greatest blessing of a life time. 

 https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10205088424240850&l=2249421424115403032


When I was a child my mother never took us out trick or treating except to the houses of the people we knew and she still checked the candy , as if someone we knew so well would try and poison us. Makes me laugh now. My mama was a worrier, and I see that so much in myself as well. I remember we would get out of school, walk down the hill home, and be in our costumes waiting for our mother to get home and take us to the 5 houses. We never got a lot of candy. I remember one year I got to go to a Halloween party and trick or treating afterwards. That is the first time I heard anything about spin the bottle. I remember I had to go into the closet and kiss someone, I just can not remember who it was. I remember the game just not the kiss. LOL ... I felt so big that day, I found a new independence when I got to go with my friends and get candy from a stranger.  All I really can remember is that one time doing that. It was enough. Memories are great. I hold so many memories in my mind, some are tucked away so far that it's almost as if I have forgotten them until something special triggers my mind and the memories come flooding outward. 


When Evan was a baby she would say "Happy Hallowing" Always made me laugh and now I say it to her, and she thinks it's stupid that I do it. I don't care some things just will always make me laugh.  Tonight we are going to be in our own neighborhood for the first time in Evan's little life. We always go to my sisters house. the problem is my sisters kids run off and leave her for  their own friends. Evan  is growing up and wants to be in the neighborhood where her own friends are. I understand, it makes me a little sad to break our tradition but we do what makes our children happy. Evan's father and sister are coming over and going with her too. Should be a great night! 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me. 

Blog #40 AMAZING THINGS HAPPENING.....

I am going to do my best to get through this blog without crying my eyes out.  When I began this journey through cancer on 2/6/2014.... I had no idea what this meant in my life. My picture today is of me and my sweet, Evan Raine and what we think about cancer! 

 I had no idea if I would even be alive in 6 months. The cancer was consuming my liver and all I heard out of the mouth's of every single doctor I met with... "It's really bad" Those words ring in your mind and heart. They were repeated through memory many times. The times I was most afraid. The times I was all alone. The times I didn't even feel good enough to lift up my head.  Those words stung like a million bee's many times over the last 5 months of my life. 

I had a hard time looking into my little girls' eyes and telling her I was getting better every day, because honestly, I wasn't sure that I even believed it. I knew I was fighting with every thing I had in side me.. to beat this cancer but ,I knew deep in my heart how bad it really was. The one thing that had always given me hope was that my liver has been functioning at 100%. The cancer had not caused any damage to my liver at all.

 I worried that the radiation (Y-90) treatment would hurt my liver (which it has not). I had several oncologist around the country telling me that they would not do the Y-90 treatment. That it should be a LAST resort. It could cause damage to the liver and they would not do it. If I would have listened to them I would not today be 90% tumor free on the right side of my liver. I wonder what those doctors would say now?????  They could have made me make another choice in my treatment and be on chemo as they said for the rest of my life and make me feel bad.... and kept me from having a normal life again. They had the opportunity and they gave me the advice not to do the treatment. Thank God we didn't listen. I had found out about the Y-90 in the beginning of the disease and I decided to search my options. That is part of being afraid of making the wrong choice, and part of getting wrong information from doctors that seem to care more about me getting my chemo treatments from them instead of doing this procedure and being 90% tumor free.  I have learned that as long as the person that is in charge of your care, truly cares about you as a patient and a person, that is the person you should trust. I wanted to give my Dr. Abbas Chamsuddin a big hug yesterday and instead I shook his hand. I love him. He has done amazing things that no one else cared a thing about doing for me and that's saving my life and giving me the chance to be cancer free. I love him and I would recommend him to anyone.  I am sure I get on his nerves at times and I am very inquisitive about every thing but I like to be in the know... as to what is going on with me.  The traditional medicine route is not always the traditional medicine route. I trusted my whole heart into someone that I hoped had a way of killing these tumors inside my liver. Not once and still not now has he gave me a promise of anything. I just can see when we communicate the concern not only for me but for my family in helping to rid my body of this disease. Nothing is guaranteed but I know if anyone had a chance of making this happen for me,  it was him. I would hope that through my journey someone else facing the same life altering things that I am would consider reaching out to Dr. Chamsuddin too, he will not steer you wrong and he will care about your recovery as much as he has cared about mine. The man has a heart of gold when it comes to his patients and that is something no medical degree can give anyone. A doctor with a heart and compassion is the best doctor to have. 

Yesterday, was my mama's birthday.She gave me the greatest gift. I know she is fighting for my life in heaven as much as I am fighting for my life here....  I had the pet scan the day before because if the news was bad I didn't want it on her birthday. I got pretty good news from Dr. Chamsuddin the day before saying it got 60% of the tumors but I could see the sense of unhappiness that it had not gotten it all. Most doctors, like us would have been happy with 60% but not him. I went back yesterday with the old pet scan and the new one and he realized it had gotten more than he thought, 90%.. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream with excitement, except I am one of those that the news has to sink in. I have to think about it, I have to analyze it all in my mind. I slept good last night and woke this morning feeling like I have been given a second chance at life and how simply amazing that feels. 

Throughout this journey I have been nothing with honest. I have had more fear in the last 5 months than I ever knew I could feel. I have cried more tears than I ever knew could be inside my body. I have worried and been to the brink of not sure if I would ever get up and out into the world again, and here I am today. 90% of the cancer on the right side is gone and now I go and have another procedure on July 8th, to burn the ones on the left side off of my liver. I am going in this procedure stronger than I did the last time. I am hopeful that by the end of the summer I can be cancer free. I can stop the chemo and I can live a normal life again. I will certainly be closely monitored and today I have more hope for a long life than I have in a very long time.  GO TEAM CHRISTY! 

Don't cry for me... Pray for me and know that I am a VERY lucky person to have all and to be all that I am! 

Post #28.... "When all you can really tell ....Is the truth!"

Sharing this journey isn't easy, writing my thoughts and feeling sometimes makes me so upset.  However,  I do it for all of you and for myself. This journey has to be shared with the world. There is hope in having cancer, there are so many other emotions as well, but there is a certain feeling of happiness I get from sharing my journey with the world! 

I am getting a little tired and worn out. I seem to always have some where to be. Liver cancer has changed me forever. It has made me the saddest and yet the most determined person I know. It has given me a new perspective on life and it has taken my soul to the deepest of despair. I do my best to have a positive attitude every day, because all I have is now in this moment, I have to be grateful of the life I have left to live and not worry about what we will if I don't make it through this. It breaks my heart into a million pieces, and the joys that I live more abundantly today and all the days left of my life, I am more grateful for. It's difficult. I could easily sit around all the time and say "What if I don't make it?" I have been told that I won't and I have been told I could have a long life. Who's right? I ponder that question late at night, alone in my bed, as I cry myself to sleep! 

I see a change in my 6 year old, with her knowing that her mama is sick and fighting hard. I don't regret telling her because she would have known anyways, I am different. I am fighting to be here and how could anyone be the same person they were before they were told they were dying? 

Treatments are going good, they really are! The Doc is trying to keep me energetic and well, he honestly feels my pain, because he has taken my life in his hands, and I am sure this is something that weighs heavy on his mind all the time, as it does mine. This journey is full of mysteries and hopefully miracles. It isn't easy to overcome the obstacles I face on a daily bases but... I do it. Because I want to live. I want to see Evan and Landon grow up, I want to be the person that has something to tell the world. I want other people to believe that alternative medicine has a place in healing cancer, because at the end of the day most people are truly not interested in something that could make a difference other than chemo, radiation, and surgery. I want to be a miracle I want to heal my body the natural ways and to know that I can make a difference in the lives of so many others that are as skeptical as I was originally. When I first got sick, my boyfriend instantly went online, looking for alternative medicine treatments. I was not open, I said "I am going to do chemo there is no way in hell I would do alternative treatments. For God sake, Steve Jobs did alternative treatments and he died" That was honestly my opinion. I was not open in the slightest. But with each Oncologist I saw, and the diagnose getting worse and worse for me, I started to open my mind. I had to make the choice to go the alternative route because honestly I had no chance at survival with chemo, 4 out of 5 doctors told me that, I had to open my mind and think about the future. I had to think about how I wanted to live the next 12 months of my life, sick and taking chemo, or feeling good and giving it my best shot naturally to save my life. I chose LIFE!! 

I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I just know that I have been giving this disease my best shot at battle and I am hoping that I will not be defeated. I could easily feel defeated now. I am so afraid, there are no words to describe my fear. It is there all the time, and it's up to me to talk myself out of being upset, sad, and afraid. I have moments where I fall apart and then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and move forward with my day! 

Cancer Sucks... It is such a horrible disease. I have spent my life not thinking about what certain things would do to my body, and now I am totally consumed with it. I know a lot of people have really began to change their own ways of life because of me, it's assuring and it's hopeful that the world isn't going to always be so much about the easy food (that is extremely unhealthy for us) and more open to eating healthy and avoiding such complications as I am facing in my own life. 

This week I start seeing a traumatic counselor, someone that works with people all the time facing the fears and uncertainties that I am now facing! I need it, I had gotten really bad for a couple of weeks and just wanted to cry and be down 24 hours a day. I was mad and uncertain that I wanted to face each new day because I am one of those kind of people that is an overachiever and hates to fail at anything. I can't fail at this... And I have been putting way to much pressure on myself, to the point I am not sleeping good, worried all the time, and fearful. It's going to be more money I have to spend but I know to fight this with all my might I have to keep my head on straight! Cancer isn't about the place in the body you have it, it is about how it makes your mind and heart feel. It affects every thing about you. 

I want to be well, I have to be well. I want to know that I can make it through this and can spend the rest of my life helping others to see how they can make it through this as well. This road is long, as short as I would like for it to be it's long and very hurtful! But, it's all roads in life full of bumps and potholes?

Over the weekend,I met a guy working in a candy store. He asked me "Why didn't you get something in here for yourself" I told him I had cancer, and that I was fighting for my life and each healthy, he asked me a lot of questions about the things I was doing. I thought he must know someone with cancer himself. He does, his mom. She had breast cancer, and did traditional chemo and radiation, and they got it all, but now it has spread to her colon, and she is doing nothing about it, he is trying to convince her to try alternative medicine options and she refuses, he actually left her in his house in TX and has moved away because he could not stand to see her dying each day! I gave him my website and my email address and told him I would like for us to share information and wondered if his mom would be willing to talk with me... He said he would be in touch. 

Stuff like this breaks my heart, because I will never give up fighting, not a day that I have a breath in me to breath I will not give up. I can't then cancer would win, and I won't let it win without my best shot at fighting for the most valuable thing in this world to me ... My Life!!!!

I go back to the oncologist on May 1st, I am looking forward to that meeting. I am looking forward to hearing him say how good I still look. I need that. I need reassurance in this vulnerable time in my life, and I hope that you all know how grateful I am for all the love, support, and tenderness you have shown me in this most difficult time in my life. Life is so worth living. Each day isn't a promise of tomorrow, but it certainly another chance at having the best life you can possibly have.